My wife left after four years

[new_soul]

Here goes my story... My wife and I have been married for 4 years and throughout the whole relationship we have had a lot of problems but we've also had some great times together. My wife grew up very poor and she has a very low self-esteem she is always looking for attention from other guys and as a result this has caused a lot of issues between her and I. In December I found out she was flirting with a guy at work and she told one of her friends that this person that she met at work is making her realized that she is missing something at home. After I found out we got into a big physical fight and it was ugly. Throughout the whole relationship she would tell me all the time that I do not show her enough affection or that I care enough about her and I used to think that she is just using that as an excuse but apparently she wasn't.

 

 

I went on vacation and came back on Jan 3rd and while I was away she had already moved out all her stuff and had gotten an apt. She had told me while I was away that she just did not want the relationship anymore and that she was moving out. When i came back I also saw that she sent some very revealing pictures to that guy that she was talking to at work.

 

I was very furious and everytime I try to seat down and talk to her she would just say that she needs time and she is overwhelmed with a lot of stuff. So I emailed the guy and told him that she was married and this is very disrecpful. from my understanding she is not as close anymore to the guy.

 

The part that's killing me is sometimes she would invite me over to her place and tell me that she misses me or she would come over to my place and spend the night over while we hold each other and stuff. No sex though. Recently she had told me that she wanted a month to figure out what she wants and hopefully we can start from scratch again. She even said that she was willing to go to therapy but I am really getting confused with all this. What do you guys suggest?

[Ronni_W]

new_soul,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I think. *IF* you want to stay married to the woman who is currently your wife, then you will need couples' counseling. Not only that, you will need to actively participate, do the homework, try out the counselor's suggestions, etc., etc. You BOTH need to learn more effective relationship skills and coping strategies.

 

It also sounds as if you BOTH could also use individual therapy for your personal problems and issues. Anger, blame, low self-esteem, etc.

 

*IF* you want this marriage to work, you cannot just sit around feel stuck in confusion and blame. Take personal responsibility for your contributions to the current state of your relationship. Gratefully accept her offer, and go to counseling with her

[xpaperxcutx]

If you want to work out the marriage, you have to be assertive about what you want to do. Plan a date ( sooner rather than later) and set about getting a counselor.

 

Your wife may need " space" but she's already moved out. How much space does she need? The only time she wants is to give herself the freedom to date and see other people.

 

She's being selfish.

 

You need to figure out whether you want this marriage or not.

[new_soul]

Ronni_W Thanks for the suggestion of going to counseling. I have already went to counseling by myself and she said she is willing to go too. Honestly she seems very responsive when she is with me and when she misses me. She comes over and kisses me and act like she cares. I hope she is not just playing games with me. She also said to give her a month to figure out what she wants but it's hard to do when we are keeping in touch with each other. I think I should apply the No Contact rule here. What do you think?

[Ronni_W]

Well, I think 'no contact' is your second option.

 

I would suggest to first tell her that, if she wants to work with you on your marriage, then she had better show up at your next counseling session (you are seeing a couples/marriage counselor, are you?) If not, hire one of those first, and then let her know the day & time of your first scheduled session.

 

If she does not agree to attend (or she does not show up), I'd take that as a sign that she's not really serious about repairing the marital relationship.

 

Then I would go 'no contact', and I would also consult with a divorce lawyer.

[seibert253]

Actions, not words.

 

By all means invite her to MC, schedule it, then ask her to be there.

 

If she shows, it probably means she really does want to work on your M. If she doesn't, well then go NC and give her her "space".

 

Also, is there another in the picture. You mentioned this other guy at work. Is she having any "extracurricular" contact with him? There's no way your marriage will heal and recover with a third party interceeding. You need to do your homework and investigate to make sure an OM is not lurking about. If she is still having contact with an OM, you need to advise her that if she wants to repair your marriage, she needs to go NC with the OM. Plain and simple.

[shivakrishna]

Get a divorce, you don't need her. If you have no kids, that would be a green light for me. Take what you learned from her and apply it towards a really good relationship.

 

BTW, you said in your OP that you were away "on vacation", how is that so commitment-minded? What's to not make her think you had a little "extra side action" going on?

Edited January 27, 2010 by shivakrishna

[2.50 a gallon]

If she is still messing around with an OM from work, you might get the proof and have a talk with their HR department, many companys totally frown on this and they can be fired.

[new_soul]

very good advices here guys. I already went to counseling on Monday and the counselor said she has to set up an appointment with her. I gave her the phone number of the counselor and I am going to see how that goes. if she does go to counseling I am thinking there is some hope and I should try to work on things. If she doesn't I'll apply the NC rule.

 

She also said something very weird on Sunday night when she was staying the night over. She said that if I give her two to three weeks she might be able to start working on things again. She is a very confusing person and I am hoping that somehow I'll have the courage to go thru this and fix things. Waiting to hear from your insightful replies.

[Ronni_W]

Well...in the grand scheme of things, and to save a marriage, three weeks is nothing.

 

The key would be to make sure that she 100% knows that it is ONLY three (3) weeks. Give a strong and clear message that you will not be strung along, and led by a ring through your nose like a jackass.

 

*IF* you are willing to give her the three weeks, also add something to the effect of, "...but if you do not, of your free will choice, attend a counseling session sometime during the week of March 22, I will make a different decision about our marriage."

 

I wouldn't threaten lawyers or divorce cos that could just give her the idea to start proceedings first. When you're ready to take legal action to end your marriage, just go ahead and do it. No "heads up" required, in this case. IMO.

[mark982]

i'd be checking what she has in store for those 2-3 weeks!

[new_soul]

i'd be checking what she has in store for those 2-3 weeks!

 

Guys once again thnx for the replies... I think it's finally over and the next step is for me to accept the fact that she has moved on. Like mark982 said I was trying to figure out why would she say give her 2-3 weeks when that's not even enough time to think about things. Well. I called sent her a text last night and I realized she did not pick it up sent her another text same thing. So I decided to call her she did not pick up. Then I called again she turned off her phone... This is a clear indication that she was with someone else.

 

This is not a complete shock to me as this is what I assumed in the first place. but to know that she has been F*** lying like that all this time and coming over to my place to cuddle and acting like she wanted to work on things is purely evil and selfish of her. Like you guys said she is a selfish person. I am starting the NC rule today and with your guy's help I hope to get her out of my system soon enough. Guys it's going to be hard but I am determined to do this for myself. I have let this woman completely destroyed my pride.

 

I think guys on this board should start realizing that once a woman is gone, she is GONE!! Nothing that you do will make her come back and I am learning that the hard way.

[Brooke79]

 

I think guys on this board should start realizing that once a woman is gone, she is GONE!! Nothing that you do will make her come back and I am learning that the hard way.

 

Unfortunately this is hard part, acceptance because although we all make mistakes, for the most part you do your part and bam, you get hit with something LIFE changing out of the blue. And its someone elses feeling so its nothing you can do, just left to feel stunned and stung! I wish you the best working things out.

[new_soul]

I've been away from the board for a little while just trying to work on myself and focusing on other things. This past Friday I was really feeling like crap, called the wife and I've made the stupid decision of going to her place to talk about things. As anticipated, we got into a back and forth argument about how I know she is talking to someone else at work and she kept lying about it. She is telling me one moment that she wants to try to work on things but she doesn't know how to get the love back because it's not there anymore.

 

So I got very frustrated and told her that she was a selfish *itch and she threw away four years of my life just for someone else. She was upset and things ended on a very bad note. Basically I left her place furious.

 

 

She had to go to her family's house for the weekend so she left to go out of town. Around 2:00 in the morning I got a call from her saying that she is worried about me and she wanted to know how I was doing (Basically she is feeling guilty for all the crap that she has putting me thru) I told her i was ok and I am going to accept her selfish descuision and move on with my life. The conversation ended and I went back to bed. I spent the whole weekend without contacting her or texting her. But I did something syupid and checked her email (which I should not have done) and I saw that she had send a picture to that guy at work.

 

Yesterday she sent me a text to my surprise

 

W:I know you hate me

 

Me:Sometimes certain situations give you no choice. I hope you are Happy

 

W: I am not.

 

 

I am trying very hard to get her out of my system and move on, but today has been very hard for me as I really want to see what's going with her. But I know it will not be a good idea. So please loveshack family tell me what do you think of the siatuation? And how do I keep the No contact process going?

 

Hope to hear from you soon.

[new_soul]

Ok guys here is more confusion for me! Today I had to have a minor gum surgery and last night I talk to the wife and she said if I wanted her to be there. I said yes and she indeed came to pick me up and we started talking about all the crap that she's been putting me through. She definitely admits that she is currently seeing and getting to know someone but she doesn't know if she is making the right choice because she felt like she still cares about me and she still loves me (Which is very weird). She admits that what she is doing is not fair and she has to come up with a conclusion.

 

When we got to the doctors office we kissed and everything seem very real and genuine I can tell from her kiss that she was really missing me. So I went in got the surgery done and she came to pick me up, got my prescription at the pharmacy and she seemed very caring came to my place cleaned up a little bit and got me some food. we cuddled and kissed a little bit and she said she is so confused because she doesn't know who to choose. When she said that I was very hurt but there was nothing I could have done to change the situation. So i told her she needs to make a descision and she sad yeah but I can tell her mind is all over the place. She told me she will talk to me about this tomorrow. I still don't trust her so now I am back to step 1 which is confusion again. Do you guys think that there is a chance to save this marriage? What would you guys do in this situation?

[jesslindy]

You should implement Tough Love right away. Go to the bookstore tomorrow and buy a book called "Love must be Tough". Than read it and practice it. I believe it is written by a James Hobson????? In your situation, if she is wavering, it will smack her in the face with a fat dose of reality. If she misses you now(suppossedly), than she will miss you a whole lot more when you are really gone. So be gone. Anyway, just let her go. You will never be able to fix your marraige with an OM in the picture anyway. Blow up the affair, run as fast as you can, be the best man you can be, read and learn, and if she doesnt come back, so what, you will be on the road to healing and being a much better person than her in the end. And that my friend is the best revenge you can get. Good luck.

[You Go Girl]

From a woman's perspective...not very different from the guy's here that have posted--

You're a pushover for her. She's treating you like a doormat and getting away with it because you love her.

She isn't going to figure out anything in 2 or 3 weeks. She may figure out whether she wants to continue this relationship with the OM, but what if that fails? You're the backup plan! That stinks! You're not dating her...and competing for her attention...she supposedly already made that decision when she married you. Now she's pretending she's single again and can decide between two lovers.

She's going to need more time than weeks to sort herself out.

Quit hugging and kissing this woman. She's cheating on you. You're hurting yourself--now stop that!

Let her meet you for therapy, and that's it. Tough love yes--no more kisses until she figures out that she's already married--

she needs to act like a wife and do that for a long time before you sleep with her again. Physical intimacy will just make you weak and confused at this point.

You've been letting her call all the shots and make all the decisions, and have all the control. Stop that!

Maybe even no more contact until she moves back home...depends on how hard a stance you believe you need to take here. She needs to acknowledge that she is already married! Tell her that in a serious tone looking directly in her eyes.

[You Go Girl]

And btw...what is this vacation you went on without her? Did she feel that wasn't fair and if you could have freedom so could she? Just trying to piece together that part of the puzzle...

[tnttim]

Congratulations you are a doormat. Now she can be with OM and if it doesn't work out, then she has you. She's pretty good at getting what she wants, she didn't even have to take off her panties for you.

If you want to know for sure if she really wants you, leave her. Let her decide completely what she wants. She has 2 choices then, you or OM. But with the current state you created, she doesn't have to make a choice. She has what she wants a H and a f*ck buddy, all you can do is eliminate the H part of that. Good luck.

[new_soul]

Actually the vacation that I went to was supposed to be for both of us, I went to visit my family overseas. I went earlier because I had more vacation and she was supposed to meet me there later on but she never showed up. What do you make of her being torn between making a decision? I know I should move on but something is telling me to try to save this marriage.

[tnttim]

Actually the vacation that I went to was supposed to be for both of us, I went to visit my family overseas. I went earlier because I had more vacation and she was supposed to meet me there later on but she never showed up. What do you make of her being torn between making a decision? I know I should move on but something is telling me to try to save this marriage.

 

The best way to save a marriage is let it save itself. Your M is a fragile porcelein doll right now, the more you try to fix it, the more you will break it. Besides a great marriage needs very little work, just routine maintenance.

I have a plan that works, but you have to grab your b*lls and say I'm in. Are you ready to commit?

[new_soul]

I am more then ready to commit at this point any input and advices would be greatly appreaciated.

[tnttim]

The Homer approach worked for me and here it is in a nutshell:

 

1) NC or LC if you have kids

2) Stop working on marriage, work on the divorce

3) Pick a night to go out and have fun, every week

4) Start a new hobby, or activity that has nothing to do with her interests

5) If you do talk, keep it under 10 mins and you end the conversation

6) Date other woman, yes this is a must

7) Act happy around them until you don't have to act anymore

8) Go buy some new clothes, even just a new pair of jeans can help

 

The separation may seem like a curse, but that's because you are viewing it as a curse. I think my wife's A was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am a way better person because of it. I found out that if I change, everyone around me changes as well. Give it a shot and tell me I'm wrong, I dare ya. You can message me if you want BTW.

[Passion4Life]

Actually the vacation that I went to was supposed to be for both of us, I went to visit my family overseas. I went earlier because I had more vacation and she was supposed to meet me there later on but she never showed up. What do you make of her being torn between making a decision? I know I should move on but something is telling me to try to save this marriage.

 

" ...she said she is so confused because she doesn't know who to choose ..."

 

It seems she did not have any problem saying that to u . u have to choose between self-respect and ur wife .

[Kornfused]

Sucks dude. I always gave her the bennefit of the doubt when I shoulda been doubting the bennefit of even being with her. Yesterday was so bad I was basically suicidal. Then I had a surrenderish moment when reading some tao stuff and then last night was ****ing beautiful. Today has been pretty good. I felt fully surrendered and in acceptance today at my lunch Alanon meeting. This too shall pass. I go through ups and downs and regrets and happiness. Such a mind ****. Even though I can see the truth about how even if she did everything right and we got back together it would never be good again, I still cant get my heart to stop aching (off and on now thank God). And she isnt going to do anything that makes me want to try again anyway. As much as I can, Im going to keep finding God inside of me and trying to push Him to the edges of all of my skin and sit in peace. I wonder if I hit bottom or this is just an up time. I like the stuff at yourtrulyloved dot com. Enlightenment is my new goal.