toofast4u13 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 For the most part we don't argue, we talk it out. Every now and then an argument breaks out but she is the one that yells. I bottle my feelings up and don't talk about my feelings. Every now and then I will let them out and tell her what is bothering me. In the end I apologize for having those feelings because she turns it around on me. I don't get it. Well for the confusing problem, She has a very good friendship with her boss. He is about 6 years older then us. I am almost 30. I am not concerned with the friendship. The problem is that she is not thinking about my feelings. I set up my kids at my parents on Saturday so we could not have a nice evening together. About 830 I go into the kitchen, she was baking Bread. She asked me if I was going to be up in about an hour and could take the bread out of the oven. She went out to desert and coffee with her boss at 9 at night. She hangs out with him about once a week. About a year ago I became friends with a co-worker. She was about 2 years younger then us. We sent 2 text messages back and forth about a nascar race. That night there was a fight about me sleeping with her. I have not talked to her in almost a year. I broke off all communication with her. I can not have a female friend because my wife gets crazy jealous. I am not worried about her cheating. I just want her to think of my feelings when she leaves me at home to go out with her boss. We have talked about but she will not answer the one question I want her to answer. How would you feel if I had a friend that I did what you and your boss do? I feel like I am taking second place to a friend. Why do I apologize for having the feelings I do????????????????????
nddb Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Your wife has 9PM coffee and desert with male boss. Hang out with male boss once a week. I can't begin to tell you how wrong that is. Grow some backbone man. Put a stop to that. No company would expect it, so it's almost a certainty that this is extra-curricular activity. If you don't protect your turf, don't expect any respect from your wife.
HeyThere Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Your wife has 9PM coffee and desert with male boss. Hang out with male boss once a week. I can't begin to tell you how wrong that is. Grow some backbone man. Put a stop to that. No company would expect it, so it's almost a certainty that this is extra-curricular activity. If you don't protect your turf, don't expect any respect from your wife. toofast, there are problems in “paradise” - wake up and do it fast before your marriage is over.
hopeful1980 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Are you afraid of her? Man up. You aren't doing anything wrong - SHE IS. You are well within your rights to confront her about her inappropriate relationship with her boss and put a stop to it one way or another.
Ronni_W Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Why do I apologize for having the feelings I do???????????????????? There are dozens of possible reasons. Including but not limited to: fear of conflict; misguided attempts to "always be nice"; having been wrongly taught in your formative years that: (a) your feelings are unimportant and don't matter, (b) your role is simply to ensure the emotional comfort of others, © your "job" is to keep the peace and not rock the boat, (d) you are responsible for how other people feel, (e) if you "act nice" and "don't rock the boat, then, and ONLY then, you will be loved. If you had to guess at some reasons, why DO you apologize for having the feelings that you do????????????????????
eeyore1981 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 There are dozens of possible reasons. Including but not limited to: fear of conflict; misguided attempts to "always be nice"; having been wrongly taught in your formative years that: (a) your feelings are unimportant and don't matter, (b) your role is simply to ensure the emotional comfort of others, © your "job" is to keep the peace and not rock the boat, (d) you are responsible for how other people feel, (e) if you "act nice" and "don't rock the boat, then, and ONLY then, you will be loved. If you had to guess at some reasons, why DO you apologize for having the feelings that you do???????????????????? I came on here to post about my problems and here is this thread and you have described me with great accuracy.
eeyore1981 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Toofast, I have been married for 25 years now. The pattern of my marriage is I have allowed myself to be walked all over until it gets so far gone, at which point I lose my temper, there is a huge fight, things on that particular situation may improve, but there were always more things to take it's place and let myself get walked alll over about again. I have been standing up for myself for a while now. It's a slow process, and it isn't pleasant. I don't know if my marriage is going to survive this, and I also don't know if I even care. What I do know is I should have, and I wish I had, done this a long effing time ago. I have no advice, I need some myself, but I think you should know I am so miserable, and so unhappy right now I don't know if I can stand it anymore.
Ronni_W Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 you have described me with great accuracy. It must be your lucky day!!! [cos] The good news is that you now have new self-awareness and insight into what is/has been driving you . It's an EXCELLENT place to start with your psychotherapist! Best of luck.
Author toofast4u13 Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Good insight on my problem everyone. I do allow myself to get walked on. It was not bad the first 7 years (almost 9 now) but it seems like she is taking advantage of how nice I am now. I treat her like a queen and would enjoy being treated equally for once. I have been so unhappy it is starting to affect my quality of life. There are days I wake up and just do not care about anything. I have such a difficult time expressing my feelings or rocking the boat. I have been one of those guys that would rather do what the woman wants to make her happy and it may make me unhappy, but that was ok. Now it is not ok and it is wearing me thin.
Ronni_W Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 toofast, you have TWO options: 1. Therapy to increase your low self-worth; to repair your misguided beliefs about your Self, life and love; and to learn more effective life, relationship and coping skills. (You could try self-help but it's easier and faster when you have a professional guiding you and giving you timely feedback.) 2. Stay miserable in this relationship, or ultimately become miserable in the next one...and the one after that. With Option 1, yes, there is the risk that your wife won't be able to survive the new dynamic and will ask for a divorce. But. If she can't tolerate a new, more assertive, happier you then... Without Option 1, yes, more than likely all future relationships are gonna end up looking pretty much exactly like this one. It's the role that you've chosen for yourself, which is the natural outcome of your current beliefs about your own worth and about love, that has led to your suffering and putting up with this situation for so long.
HeyThere Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) OK 1st step recognition of the problem 2nd step deal with the problem This is harder in some regards because you’re not used to standing up for yourself – be prepared for lots of arguments, many denials, crying and carrying on – your calmness and persistence at keeping on topic will determine the success of the outcome – if the denials are not abating then intervention would be the next step (marriage counseling). Go get’m tiger (not that tiger) 3rd step (do I have to tell you) ok - do the bunny hop Edited January 26, 2010 by HeyThere
Brandy228 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Toofast, her going out with the boss at 9:00 at night is somewhat unsettling. While there's a chance everything is on the up and up, you must realize somewhere inside of you that it's just not 'normal' to have that kind of a relationship with your boss. I'm not suggesting you confront her about a potential affair, but if I were you, I would pay close attention to what she's doing. Learn more about where she is going, and what is going on. Good luck to you, it sounds like you're going to need it.
rina_r Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 9PM dessert with boss? Every week? Thats wrong! I understand lunch during the workdays... Why dont you go with her to those coffees? Something smells fishy..
Jeff1962 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I would not put up with this crap. This is just not proper married behavior on your wife's part. Her boss is not showing proper behavior toward a woman in which he knows is married. There are boundries in which you do not cross considering marriage and married couples and I feel that they have been crossed on both parties. Her boss should say "hey, why don't the two you meet me and so and so for dessert and coffee." He should respect YOUR marriage and invite you too. Sorry dude. My wife meeting her boss once a week off work time does not fly in my book. She can do it but you can't? Ppbbbfffttttttt to that crap. Let me put it to you this way and this is just how I am. I'm no wuss by any means and I am a free spirit but I am also committed to my wife and family. If I were doing something that caused stress in my maritial relationship and my wife talked to me about this. I would have to reconsider what I was doing. I would respect my wife enough to listen to her concerns and try to understand why she was uncomfortable with what I was doing. If this is not happening either way in your marriage, you'd both better fix it. I am self employed. I have 4 people that help me out. 2 are women. 1 is married and the other is not. I would not ever, ever even consider acting like your wife's boss has. In all honesty dude, you do not become personal FRIENDS with people that work for you. You can care about them and help them, be understanding but there is a line as a boss that you do not cross. I think something is up. If you want to keep your wife, I suggest you find out for yourself.
hoping2heal Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 For the most part we don't argue, we talk it out. Every now and then an argument breaks out but she is the one that yells. I bottle my feelings up and don't talk about my feelings. Every now and then I will let them out and tell her what is bothering me. In the end I apologize for having those feelings because she turns it around on me. I don't get it. Stop apologizing. You are being manipulated and letting her do it. When she tries to turn it around on you it is simple "No, you are not going to turn this around on me. Take some responsibility." Well for the confusing problem, She has a very good friendship with her boss. He is about 6 years older then us. I am almost 30. I am not concerned with the friendship. The problem is that she is not thinking about my feelings. I set up my kids at my parents on Saturday so we could not have a nice evening together. About 830 I go into the kitchen, she was baking Bread. She asked me if I was going to be up in about an hour and could take the bread out of the oven. She went out to desert and coffee with her boss at 9 at night. She hangs out with him about once a week. About a year ago I became friends with a co-worker. She was about 2 years younger then us. We sent 2 text messages back and forth about a nascar race. That night there was a fight about me sleeping with her. I have not talked to her in almost a year. I broke off all communication with her. I can not have a female friend because my wife gets crazy jealous. Why are you not concerned about her cheating? It's a little suspicious to me every time someone doesn't allow their spouse to do something THEY are doing. I am not worried about her cheating. I just want her to think of my feelings when she leaves me at home to go out with her boss. We have talked about but she will not answer the one question I want her to answer. How would you feel if I had a friend that I did what you and your boss do? I feel like I am taking second place to a friend. Why do I apologize for having the feelings I do???????????????????? Yes well this situation is really, really fishy. You are married, it is not controlling or wrong of you to request that your wife does not go out for coffee an desert at night once a week with her boss. Especially when it means leaving you at home ALONE on a night you two have with the kids gone to be together? Something smells fishy around here and it isn't the salmon.
mark982 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 what's wrong with following her next time she meets her boss? she don't care about your feelings. just follow her and tell her boss that this crap isn't right. or companys human resourses, companys don't like that crap either.
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Your wife is the boss's dessert. I will not beat around the bush. She is cheating on you. It is at least an emotional affair and there is very little doubt that it is a physical tryst as well on a weekly basis. You must confront and expose.
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Why do I apologize for having the feelings I do???????????????????? Because its very likely that when you do tell her your feelings its like letting steam off. And its likely done in a rude, hurtful way that ends with "there, now you know." My H used to do this, and I turned it around on him too. He blurted things out in mean, hurtful ways because he was so uncomfortable with sharing his feelings. Sharing your feelings shouldn't be after bottling them up for a long time. Because you are almost certainly assured that when that pressure valve is released the recipient is going to be hurt. Your W may well be cheating on you, but that isn't the only issue in your marriage.
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 when you do tell her your feelings its like letting steam off. And its likely done in a rude, hurtful way that ends with "there, now you know." My H used to do this...He blurted things out in mean, hurtful ways because he was so uncomfortable with sharing his feelings. My ex does the same...whether he's trying to convey a need, fear, upset or any so-called "negative" emotion. It wasn't that I looked for him to apologize for his feelings, though, but for how he expressed them. He couldn't get that if he wanted me to treat his feelings with care and compassion, then he'd better not use them as a weapon to bash me over the head. Couldn't understand, "Your content is fine, your delivery sucks." toofast4u13 if you recognized yourself in NoIDidn'ts post, I would encourage you to learn more effective communications skills, esp. with regard to emotions with which you're not comfortable...and also your healthy/appropriate needs and wants.
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