br0ken_w0lf Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Hi folks, I've been seeing a woman for about 3 months now and, though she's great and I have absolutely nothing to complain about in terms of the relationship, I think I've come to the conclusion that I have to end it. I've been withdrawing and distant lately and I realize now that I'm not ready to open myself up to anyone right now (went through a divorce about two years ago, my wife left for someone else). Hell, with some family things that are going on right now, I'm not even sure I want to continue living in the city where I am now. What I hate the most is that I purposefully waited a long time to date anyone, since I wanted to make sure I was ready and not hurt anyone. And even though I thought I *was* ready, I know now that I'm not... so I'm kind of hating myself at the moment since I know she is going to be hurt. But I need to be fair to both of us. I'm out of town right now and am coming back next week. She knows what I've gone through and the reasons behind me being distant but I know this outcome will come as a surprise. I am trying to figure out the least harmful way to do this... I have every intention of explaining my reasoning for all of this in person (she deserves that and I know it) but I am struggling with whether I should give any kind of heads-up before I get back to town. I don't know what is better, having some kind of warning, or it coming as a total shock. So as the subject says, is there ever a good way to do this?
Winger6 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I think you should just open up and be honest with her. You say you shared a good relationship with her so there isn't any reason beat around the bush. If your not feeling the same way about each other and your having thoughts of ending it, then you have to put yourself first in a situation like this. That's my take anyway. Just be honest about how you feel, she should appreciate it. Never forget to be true to yourself.
nobmagnet Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 There is no easy way to end a relationship. There is always somebody that will be hurt. I would suggest you didnt warn her as she may have guessed something is wrong anyway. I would try to as honest as possible and just take whats coming on the chin. Doing it face to face is the best way too and its great you plan to do that, as you say emotionaly you just are not ready for a relationship and its good you realise that so she doesnt fall even more. nobby xx
Ronni_W Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I think. Doing the "heads up" thing from out of town is kinda the same as NOT breaking up with her in person, isn't it? You would spare yourself from her initial reaction, having to explain more than you want to, feeling a need to comfort and console, maybe even getting talked out of your decision... but you really would not be doing her any favours. The other side. Have you considered therapy as a tool to help you explore and heal the bits and pieces left over from your divorce experience? In fact, I would even suggest...tell the lady how much you value your relationship but you've realized that there are still some pieces that need healing. And then ask her if she thinks she has the strength and stomach to be with you while you attend to your emotional healing. And then sign-up for 3D divorce support, hire a therapist, and put in the work that you'll need to do. For her part, she'll need to have LOTS of patience and be willing to give you all the time and space that you'll need, which, of course, you won't know ahead of time what that's gonna look like. *IF* she has high self-esteem and confidence, then this could be an option to at least discuss with her. It's doable. My first partner after my divorce was able to do it -- I really don't know how -- he is like a saint -- but I do know from experience that it is doable. Feel free to PM me if you'd like more details. Or whatever.
Raphownsyou Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 i know for me the best break up i had was when i was in a relationship and realized i didn't want to be in it anymore, it was starting to eat away at me as i like to be as honest as possible in life, didn't want to hurt him at all but knew it would only prolong the pain... anyways what i did was... i sent him a really long email explaining everything that i was feeling, being completely honest about why i wanted to end it, nothing at all to do with his actions in my case, just that i didn't feel that certain way about him, and that if im true to myself and end it then it will lead us both to happiness, and for him to come over that night so we could talk in person about it. we had already planned on meeting, i knew i was going to do it that night anyways. i think with an email it really helps in getting all the things out you may forget or not be able to say when having a discussion, things that really mean a lot to you. then he came over and we had a heart to heart and i explained to him that it was for our best, that i cared about him and that this would only bring us closer in the future, but i had to do it. i was completely honest. and now a year later, him and i are close friends, he means more to me now than ever, and i can sense i mean something to him too. honesty will always bring you closer. to where you should be at least. perhaps if you feel comfortable doing that then maybe its a good idea for you? all in all, just be honest and do it, and in time your head will become clearer about what you really want, good luck friend!
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