Instigators of a divorce

[b52s]

I know a man who went through a heart wrenching divorce a couple of years ago. He pretty much blames a female friend of his wife. Apparently THIS female friend was so miserable from her divorce that she felt the need to "influence" his wife into getting a divorce as well.

 

I notice this kind of behavior is popular among women mostly, this "If I can't be happy, you can't be happy"

 

Apparently she was divorced first, was single and miserable and felt the need to drive a wedge between her and her husband by convincing that she too was not happy in her marriage. He was becoming aware of this woman's meddling, and asked that she stay out of his marital problems.

 

But she even offered up her house to his wife to stay at her place (away from him)

 

He hasn't seen her in a couple of years, until recently she resurfaced through other friendship circles, and now might have to put up with being in the presence of a backstabber.

 

Apparently, he's making other male friends aware of this destructive woman.

 

I was wondering, why do mostly women do this, AND why do the female friends actually LISTEN to such a woman and follow through?

[Ronni_W]

AND why do the female friends actually LISTEN to such a woman and follow through?

No rational, sane PERSON can be "talked into" being unhappy! I mean...think about it. We, each of us, knows 100% what is going on in our own heart.

 

However, there are many (seemingly) rational, sane PEOPLE who are much better at blaming others than taking appropriate responsibility for their own role in their own life experiences, especially the "negative" ones.

 

Men AND women who blame a third party for their marital breakdown, or losing a job, or whatever other sad/bad thing, are not being honest about their own imperfections, and lack of effective life, relationship and coping skills. Exact same, if they're putting it all exclusively on their partner (but not blaming any outsiders.)

[Holding-On]

So... either his wife was easily led or, more likely, they didn't have such a great relationship after all. I would think that if the divorce was such a mistake his former wife would have ended up on his doorstep asking for a second chance.

 

Now, for real instigators of divorce, you really should look to ... LOVESHACK!

 

Most threads with problems have at least one poster who immediately recommends divorce and usually pronto. You could PM them as to why, the half that are women that is.

 

I do not know that more women do "this" (recommend divorce to their friends) but, taking that premise as true, it might be that females tend to talk about their personal problems with each other more and friends stick up for each other.

 

It is possible if you grumbled to your male friends about the darker parts of your relationship, they would say "buddy get a divorce!"

[stillafool]

I know women like this. The moment they smell you are having trouble they start nudging you towards divorce. I have always told my married friends to go back to their husbands and work it out. The only time I would tell a woman to give up on her marriage is if he were physically abusing her. Otherwise, I mind my own business.

[flc]

I would agree that sometimes the decision can be influenced by friends. I always felt that in my divorce my ex did not really come to a decision on this until her close friend got divorced. They talked constantly about her divorce and how happy she was after it was done, I think this had a influence on my ex. Clearly though she was unhappy and unwilling to go to MC so the inevitable was only being prolonged.

 

Of course for me I did not want a divorce and wanted to do MC. But after 2yrs I am much happier that we did divorce and probably wish it had happened sooner.

[WalkInThePark]

I don't think anyone will divorce because a friend has divorced. I think that it is more a matter of hearing a friend complain about her/his marriage and becoming aware of problems in the own marriage.

People are often influenced by their peer group. This can push someone towards divorce but also push someone to staying in a marriage. People also stay married because they know other couples who are married with whom they socialize. One friend of mine who is divorcing told me that more or less at the same time, all the couples he and his soon to be ex-wife knew, started divorcing.

[b52s]

So... either his wife was easily led or, more likely, they didn't have such a great relationship after all. I would think that if the divorce was such a mistake his former wife would have ended up on his doorstep asking for a second chance.

 

Now, for real instigators of divorce, you really should look to ... LOVESHACK!

 

Most threads with problems have at least one poster who immediately recommends divorce and usually pronto. You could PM them as to why, the half that are women that is.

 

I do not know that more women do "this" (recommend divorce to their friends) but, taking that premise as true, it might be that females tend to talk about their personal problems with each other more and friends stick up for each other.

 

It is possible if you grumbled to your male friends about the darker parts of your relationship, they would say "buddy get a divorce!"

 

Single women also (not all) tend to do this, usually the bitter single women that have been through the gambit of bad men, when her married friend gets an inkling of marital problems, she cant WAIT for her to be possibly SINGLE again, so they go out BOTH clubbing together on the town as two liberated SINGLE gals and be "Woo" girls (quoting How I Met Your Mother) lol

[Woggle]

Manhating friends are the most poisonous thing to a marriage I can think of. Women tend to divorce in packs so if your wife's friends start divorcing then get a lawyer and prepare yourself.

[H1N1]

I agree with what was said earlier: the wife wouldn't get a divorce unless she really wanted one.

 

I suspect the man's problem was that he didn't have enough balls. He knew that this friend of hers was meddling in the relationship. If it were me and my girl had a friend like that, they would end the relationship, or I would. That simple.

 

The fundamental difference between women and men is that women are indeed more emotional than men. They have different biology/physiology than men do. Their hormones affect their brains more. In some ways, women in this way are superior to men in that they can emote better and relate to emotions more than men can; it's a more complete type of thinking. Men, on the other hand, are more concerned with facts and information, and we use information and facts to process and make sense of the world around us. Women seek a more complete rational and emotional balance; men seek "common sense", which is not to say that women don't have common sense, but rather, it means that this is a man's only real resort when it comes to dealing with things.

 

That's why men are confused when their wife confronts them about something that's not feeling right in the marriage. Women sense emotional distance, regardless of whether they or their spouse is causing it. Men can detect it, but they don't know the roots of it, they don't know why it exists. Men just shrug and look at the calendar to see what day it is. Then, one day, a man wakes up and his wife is no longer in love with him and has no idea what happened.

 

The cure for this is first to try to understand better how women think. Doesn't mean being like a woman or acting womanly; it just means knowing how they process everything around them compared with how we do it. There are differences. But the other cure is to know when to be a man and just shut it the f*ck down. Sometimes women get carried away -- even women know this. A man has to step up and be like a circuit breaker, and just cut her emotional short circuit out - without hesitation and with absolute certainty.

Edited January 26, 2010 by H1N1

[hopeful1980]

I am the opposite of this. I WANT my friends to stay married and be happy. It inspires me.

 

Actually, in my circle of friends we do not have anyone overtly trying to break up couples. Everyone is too busy trying to one up each other with houses, cars, vacations, and the like to be worried about trying to get a couple to divorce.

[carhill]

Manhating friends are the most poisonous thing to a marriage I can think of. Women tend to divorce in packs so if your wife's friends start divorcing then get a lawyer and prepare yourself.

Wogs, without going into details, I can say that my experience mirrors your assertion.

[freestyle]

I know a man who went through a heart wrenching divorce a couple of years ago. He pretty much blames a female friend of his wife. Apparently THIS female friend was so miserable from her divorce that she felt the need to "influence" his wife into getting a divorce as well.

 

I notice this kind of behavior is popular among women mostly, this "If I can't be happy, you can't be happy"

 

Apparently she was divorced first, was single and miserable and felt the need to drive a wedge between her and her husband by convincing that she too was not happy in her marriage. He was becoming aware of this woman's meddling, and asked that she stay out of his marital problems.

 

But she even offered up her house to his wife to stay at her place (away from him)

 

He hasn't seen her in a couple of years, until recently she resurfaced through other friendship circles, and now might have to put up with being in the presence of a backstabber.

 

Apparently, he's making other male friends aware of this destructive woman.

 

I was wondering, why do mostly women do this, AND why do the female friends actually LISTEN to such a woman and follow through?

 

 

Oddly enough, I am a woman, and I'm inclined to agree. The same thing recently happenened to my xbf from many, many, years ago. His wife of well over a decade started to hang out with a group of what I would call

"rabid" feminists. Within 6 months she ended up blindsiding him with divorce papers, out of the blue.

 

In her case, she was a person without a strongly defined sense of self,and

therefore was suseptible to being influenced by a third party. But that's all on her, she didn't have enough sense to see that the "misery loves company' principle was very much at work. I know my xbf very well, well enough to know that he really loved her, and didn't mistreat her. I was shocked when he told me what happened.

 

I don't agree, however, that this is exclusively a female phenomenon. I've

seen men do this, too, trying to egg their buddies into cheating, or engaging in a sabotage campaign to poison a H's views on marriage.

We recently had an extensive thread about Woggle's guy friend who tried

to convince him that he should get out of his marriage, because after all, his wife might cheat someday. The guy tried to poison Woggle's well, and even went behind his back to give Woggle's wife crap, about how she "might" cheat someday.......a pre-emptive accusation?!? WTF?..

 

Basically, he just wanted his party buddy back, and had no qualms about trying to break up a marriage, to suit his own selfish agenda. So,some men can be just as backhanded and back-stabbing as some women.

It happens on both sides of the fence, IME.

[b52s]

Wogs, without going into details, I can say that my experience mirrors your assertion.

 

 

Yeah, I noticed this two among pairs of "BFF"s, I knew one woman that was a personal trainer at a gym, got a divorce the same time as her best friend did.

 

Even those over seas women that come here, and marry American men, and divorce 2 years later apparently it was almost a joint effort between to Hispanic women that hung out alot.

[H1N1]

I don't agree, however, that this is exclusively a female phenomenon. I've seen men do this, too, trying to egg their buddies into cheating, or engaging in a sabotage campaign to poison a H's views on marriage.

 

Agreed. Both genders have perpetrators.

 

From the perspective of a man, all I can say is, if you see your woman doing this, put down the clamps right away. Don't let it fester. Don't be afraid to be a d1ck once in a while.

[H1N1]

I don't know who said it, but I remember a dude gave me some words of wisdom once. Said the wise man, "Women hope men change but they never do; men hope women never change but they always do."

 

That pretty much sums up relations between the sexes.

[threebyfate]

Agreed. Both genders have perpetrators.

 

From the perspective of a man, all I can say is, if you see your woman doing this, put down the clamps right away. Don't let it fester. Don't be afraid to be a d1ck once in a while.

Enforcing personal boundaries doesn't make someone a dick, unless the manner in which they do it, is over-the-top. A partner is an equal, not master and slave.

 

As for blaming third parties for the demise of relationships, that's the ultimate victim's attitude.

[grogster]

Relationship sabotage, whether done for personal or ideological reasons, is beneath contempt.

 

I have more respect for the OW than a MW's virtuous, politically correct woman friend, who sabotages a perfectly good marriage out of some destructive feminist zeal.

 

Saying that, I suspect these marital sabotage occurrences are extremely rare: more talked about than occurring.

 

Most marrieds are more than capable of destroying their marriages without outside assistance.

[NowhereToHide]

Manhating friends are the most poisonous thing to a marriage I can think of. Women tend to divorce in packs so if your wife's friends start divorcing then get a lawyer and prepare yourself.

 

 

Why is it that in most of the posts from you there MUST ALWAYS be an outside factor in a women deciding to divorce? If it's not an affair, it's her friends? Really?

 

Can't it be possible that in many instances, the woman in the marriage is just no longer happy? She has tried communicating to her husband to no avail? That she has fallen out of love?

 

As much as you may need to believe it, there aren't always outside influences. I have several friends that have divorced.... there were no other influences. And it isn't always the wife's fault, either.

[Snowflower]

Oddly enough, I am a woman, and I'm inclined to agree. The same thing recently happenened to my xbf from many, many, years ago. His wife of well over a decade started to hang out with a group of what I would call

"rabid" feminists. Within 6 months she ended up blindsiding him with divorce papers, out of the blue.

 

In her case, she was a person without a strongly defined sense of self,and

therefore was suseptible to being influenced by a third party. But that's all on her, she didn't have enough sense to see that the "misery loves company' principle was very much at work. I know my xbf very well, well enough to know that he really loved her, and didn't mistreat her. I was shocked when he told me what happened.

 

I don't agree, however, that this is exclusively a female phenomenon. I've

seen men do this, too, trying to egg their buddies into cheating, or engaging in a sabotage campaign to poison a H's views on marriage.

 

 

I agree 100% and it isn't 'just a thing that women do' Both genders can be guilty.

 

This type of situation is 'group think' at its most dangerous. Think about...negativity breeds negativity. It's sort of like sitting in the company break room and listening to co-workers complain about their jobs, blah, blah, blah. Day after day of listening to this can make even the most 'positive' employee start to question their own job satisfaction.

 

Not saying everyone does this and I think like freestyle mentioned, people with a strong sense of self are able to see the negativity for what it is. But there are others who cannot.

 

Part of the demise of my own marriage was due to the fact that my husband's buddies liked to sit around and marriage bash whenever they got together.

[threebyfate]

I agree that it's about a strong sense of self. If you don't have it, you're going to be influenced by external pressures.

 

But there's another piece to it. It's also about personality. If you're the type of person who solely focuses on the negative and someone points out a negative for you to obsess about, you're also going to destroy your relationship, whether it's sooner or later. If you're capable of balancing positives and negatives, within reason, and the positives overwhelm, it should be an easy decision of stay. But if the negatives overwhelm, then it should also be an easy decision to go.

 

The same rule of thumb can be applied to MM/MWs. If they can be so easily influenced by an OW/OM, then they also fail in their sense of self and upholding to values, if they have them, and also to their higher power vows, whether it's solely legal or combined with religion.

[Snowflower]

I

 

The same rule of thumb can be applied to MM/MWs. If they can be so easily influenced by an OW/OM, then they also fail in their sense of self and upholding to values, if they have them, and also to their higher power vows, whether it's solely legal or combined with religion.

 

Thanks for writing this, TBF. It gives me some food for thought in my own situation.

 

Thanks again, it might really help me with some things.

[cuppa]

I don't think anyone will divorce because a friend has divorced. I think that it is more a matter of hearing a friend complain about her/his marriage and becoming aware of problems in the own marriage.

People are often influenced by their peer group. This can push someone towards divorce but also push someone to staying in a marriage. People also stay married because they know other couples who are married with whom they socialize. One friend of mine who is divorcing told me that more or less at the same time, all the couples he and his soon to be ex-wife knew, started divorcing.

 

I agree with this because my bestfriend and I, we have the same issues. The more we talk about it, the more we determine to do something about it instead of putting things under the rug.

 

Of course, my bestfriend was discouraged on a few divorce cases of our mutual friends where the women spiralled downward after the divorce but she was also encouraged to see one case where a gutsy woman just went ahead and did it, and now found her happy ending.

 

So yeah, my girl friends are what I call my support system. Without them, I will not be able to do whatever I am doing right now and probably resign with as good as it gets mentality (and probably become bitter & resentful at the end like some posters here )

[threebyfate]

Thanks for writing this, TBF. It gives me some food for thought in my own situation.

 

Thanks again, it might really help me with some things.

You're welcome Snowflower. I don't know your story, beyond being a BW, but it's a helluva' grind to recover from infidelity. But one thing's for certain, you learn a lot through the process about human nature, including and especially, about your own nature.

[Snowflower]

You're welcome Snowflower. I don't know your story, beyond being a BW, but it's a helluva' grind to recover from infidelity. But one thing's for certain, you learn a lot through the process about human nature, including and especially, about your own nature.

 

I don't want to t/j with my own story (PM me if you wish)...although the 'negative friends' part did play a role but then again so did a strong sense of self/values.

[b52s]

Man, this guy's really going all out to "out" this woman that ruined his marriage.... to everyone (giving all men fair warning), even posting a picture of her to get an I.D., really raking her over the coals in attempt to smear her name (though mass emails)

 

Yikes.