SleepingDog Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 New technology is causing problems I did not image would occur 10 years ago when my wife had her affair (see my post on my flashbacks: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2620739&posted=1#post2620739) My wife had an affair with a colleague of mine while I was away for 6 months. After D-Day she has had NC with the guy for 1o years AFAIK. Now he has suddenly shown up on facebook, and, to my distress, he shares 10 friends with me, some of whom are actually good friends of mine, not just 'contacts'. I feel like he, again, is invading my life and pissing on my turf. Also a very simple fact is, no matter how long ago this was, a person can't be a friend of mine and a friend of OM at the same time. Normally, if they knew about the affair, I would ask them to make a choice. I suspect - hope - these friends don't know, otherwise I would see it as a betrayal by them. We kept the affair secret even from good friends, but gossip may have reached them anyway. The ones that do know are not on his friend list... I have a strong desire to tell them about the affair and ask them to defriend him. On the other hand, that would cause a scandal 10 years after the event and be damaging to my wife. But I can't stand being reminded that this guy walks around on the same planet as I do. What should I do?
cogent_love Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 That's really tough. FB can suck sometimes. Try blocking him or something? Maybe then you won't see him at all? Or message him and ask him if he is sharing things that he shouldn't be. I think you have the right to question him.
silktricks Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Yet another reason I hate facebook! I'm so sorry to hear about your pain, and though I do understand it, I hope you can manage to do nothing. Creating a storm where none exists may only bring you and your wife more trauma. Do you believe the fOM friended these people in order to hurt you, or do you think it's just happenstance?
Samantha0905 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I think you can specifically block him. Have you tried?
vigilant007 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I totally agree with cogent love and silktricks. I love cogent love's 'by-line' quote from Kahill Gibran. Try to apply Gibran's wisdom to your own situation. As for me, I think it will help me deal with very current memories of a very old affair my own wife had. On a practical level, however, you should have no trouble putting a block on the f**ker so you'll never see his shabby a** again.
lkjh Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 You don't seem to have gotten over the affair, and that is more than understandable. Maybe you should consider separating and see if you like life better that way. I am not a fan of divorce unless infidelity is involved. In the mean time join a gym and get some hobbies to keep you occupied
Jeff1962 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Personally. I would expose his ass to everyone for the scum that he is. Let them all know that this guy screws others guy's wives. If they stay friends with him, then so be it.
OWoman Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 New technology is causing problems I did not image would occur 10 years ago when my wife had her affair (see my post on my flashbacks: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2620739&posted=1#post2620739) My wife had an affair with a colleague of mine while I was away for 6 months. After D-Day she has had NC with the guy for 1o years AFAIK. Now he has suddenly shown up on facebook, and, to my distress, he shares 10 friends with me, some of whom are actually good friends of mine, not just 'contacts'. I feel like he, again, is invading my life and pissing on my turf. Also a very simple fact is, no matter how long ago this was, a person can't be a friend of mine and a friend of OM at the same time. Normally, if they knew about the affair, I would ask them to make a choice. I suspect - hope - these friends don't know, otherwise I would see it as a betrayal by them. We kept the affair secret even from good friends, but gossip may have reached them anyway. The ones that do know are not on his friend list... I have a strong desire to tell them about the affair and ask them to defriend him. On the other hand, that would cause a scandal 10 years after the event and be damaging to my wife. But I can't stand being reminded that this guy walks around on the same planet as I do. What should I do? SD, I've read your other thread and it's clear you have some anger issues toward your W, so why are you worried about protecting her in this way from the consequences of her own actions? You may have kept the A quiet back then for reasons of your own, but right now that decision is biting you on the bum. If this guy is a colleague, or former colleague, it's possible you will have friends in common. It's also possible that - if they don't know - you might find yourself face to face with him in a social setting as a result. If you still have strong feelings about the A - and your other thread seems to indicate that you do - then you need to protect yourself from that. Either tell them, and have them choose - or you choose. Unfriend them, and if they ask why, tell them. Meanwhile, block the OM on FB, check your FB privacy settings to prevent friends of friends seeing any of your data, and suggest your W does the same.
Church Bells Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Either tell them, and have them choose - or you choose. Unfriend them, and if they ask why, tell them. Meanwhile, block the OM on FB, check your FB privacy settings to prevent friends of friends seeing any of your data, and suggest your W does the same. I like this approach. The only issue I have with it, is it assumes that your W has a current FB account ... please say that isn't so, as I see no reason for a BS to have to deal with the uncertainty of his WS's social networking activities. Personally, I avoid FB, etc. like the plague. Friends are constantly asking me to sign up and join in their littles circles, and I give the same two word response everytime ... "NO THANKS" and as far as I can tell, our relationships have not suffered at all.
Author SleepingDog Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 "The only issue I have with it, is it assumes that your W has a current FB account ... please say that isn't so, as I see no reason for a BS to have to deal with the uncertainty of his WS's social networking activities." FB is so privacy invasive, it is useless to to conduct affairs with. I get to see her social activities in one stroke if I wish. What more could I want? "SD, I've read your other thread and it's clear you have some anger issues toward your W, so why are you worried about protecting her in this way from the consequences of her own actions?" You are right. It also damages me. I am outed as a cuckold which, though true, is not pleasant. I am not sure how my friends would take it after 10 years that I make this demand of them. Also, the affair caused strained relationships with some friends. They did not like meeting my wife and it poisoned the atmosphere. "Personally. I would expose his ass to everyone for the scum that he is. Let them all know that this guy screws others guy's wives. If they stay friends with him, then so be it." On an emotional level, that is what I would like to do. But I rarely operate on instinct. "On a practical level, however, you should have no trouble putting a block on the f**ker so you'll never see his shabby a** again" Have done, but it does not change the fact that friends of mine are friends with him, without knowing what he has done ( I hope) "Do you believe the fOM friended these people in order to hurt you, or do you think it's just happenstance?" I don' think it is deliberate. It may be that those people sent him friend requests first. I am sure he has seen me and my wife on their friend lists, though. "If this guy is a colleague, or former colleague, it's possible you will have friends in common. It's also possible that - if they don't know - you might find yourself face to face with him in a social setting as a result. If you still have strong feelings about the A - and your other thread seems to indicate that you do - then you need to protect yourself from that." This is not likely. We are former colleagues who worked for an international company. Our friends are all over the place. Should we set something up, I'll be sure to arrange he won't come. I am not worried about WW and OM re-contacting. She found out he had been lying to her which broke her rozy spectacles she was wearing so doesn't want to know him. I just don't like him being 'friends' with friends of mine, however virtual/ So thanks for your tips. My impulse agrees with informing my friends, but I am going to contain it for a while. I can't undo it once it is done.
Church Bells Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 SD, I get the impression that you are upset that you weren't more proactive 10 years ago. Aren't you now doing the same thing, while hoping for different results? Although I can't quite comprehend it ... from reading a variety of infidelity boards, that most BH's first instinct is to hesitate, and suffer as a result of their inaction ... while it is also quite clear that the BH's who take a strong, decisive stance fare much better immediately and in the long run.
Author SleepingDog Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) Church Bells To me it was that all control was taken away from me. Two people conspired to make my life hell and I was powerless to do anything. I saw warning signals, but did not act. That was also difficult because I was abroad. However, I took some control back by taking revenge on the OM. Let's just say his parents are not so proud of him, and he will never forget me anymore when thinking about my wife. I now feel similar lack of control with him invading my life. There is, however , no danger of an affair, just confrontation with the memory of it. Both options, doing nothing and acting, will ensure the memory of it is kept alive. I think I will keep my powder dry for a while. Edited January 26, 2010 by SleepingDog
road Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Expose him on facebook. Your common friends need to be warned of the fox in sheeps clothing.
Buttnutter100 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Expose him on facebook. Your common friends need to be warned of the fox in sheeps clothing. I agree. Bust it wide open. His reappearance may not be conincidental or innocuous.
torranceshipman Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Is there any possibility that these mutual friends know him via your W? I.e. through their 'friendship' they hung out with these people together, or she introduced them to eachother? That would suck. I guess you might all be from the same small place in which case I suppose it'd be normal for you all to know about eachother...but if not, really think about this. On a related note, are you sure she's had NC for 10 years? Maybe talkin to a few of them would be a good idea. Say buddy do you know what this guy actually did to me, and how it hurts to see you friends with him? They'll do right by you if they understand but at the same time, by you and the W not telling any mutual friends, maybe you didn't find out stuff that happened, i.e. the whole truth. If you ever wondered about the truth she was telling you about the A, maybe its a good time to broach the subject with some of these friends and ask them if they knew anything.
Author SleepingDog Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 For the time being, I have blocked the f*****r Thanks for the support. I am very tempted. But back then - this is 10 years ago - I told very few people about the affair, in order to protect myself and my wife while we were trying to recover. I didn't even tell my parents, because it would make for very uncomfortable Christmasses. I didn't tell her parents for the same reason. Her father is a serial cheater and I did not want her mother to suffer, though I knew she would be on my side. Her mother died and I am glad she died without knowing what happened, even though I was puking inside when she told me "you know, my daughter is if anything loyal". I didn't tell one of my very best friends because I knew he would tell everyone else. I told another good friend, and it soured the friendship. I didn't see what purpose it would serve at the time to tell everyone. OM had already weasled off, I got my revenge, I got him admitting he had wronged me Now of course I would like it if my friends started to hate the guy and unfriend him - if that is what they did. But it will scrape up all kinds of other stuff as well. I am not for a moment afraid this guy will break no contact. I don't fear a hidden agenda. The only agenda he may have is that he is re-entering social life of our circle and attempting to rejoin teh human race. At the time I did threaten to blow his cover is I so much as saw him in the street. So he kept away from social do's, party's etcetera, until I had left the company. This is ten years later and virtual - should I really care? Why does seeing his picture among a virtual list of friends upset me so much? It doesn't mean anything. All those people are literally continents apart now. I suppose I could write him and threaten to blow his cover unless he unfriends my friends. But he never answered my emails or phone calls at the time, the coward. I suppose I could also set up an anonymous FB account and start a campaign of internet terror against him. I suppose I could also approach a third party: a person I know who is a friend of his, who knows of the affair. But then, she didn't actually dissuade him at the time (apart from saying: "she'll never leave him for you").
Author SleepingDog Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Thank you for taking the time to respond to my note. "As there any possibility that these mutual friends know him via your W? I.e. through their 'friendship' they hung out with these people together, or she introduced them to eachother? That would suck. I guess you might all be from the same small place in which case I suppose it'd be normal for you all to know about eachother...but if not, really think about this." They were mostly my colleagues, so my wife knew them through me. There are among that circle probably people who suspected things were going on, but I am not certain they know for sure. It was a small expat crowd that always hung in the same places. They "dated" pretty openly and my wife said she bumped into some people along the way. It was a gossipy crowd so they may know, but they may not appreciate the extent of the hurt it caused me. "On a related note, are you sure she's had NC for 10 years? Maybe talkin to a few of them would be a good idea. Say buddy do you know what this guy actually did to me, and how it hurts to see you friends with him? They'll do right by you if they understand but at the same time, by you and the W not telling any mutual friends, maybe you didn't find out stuff that happened, i.e. the whole truth. If you ever wondered about the truth she was telling you about the A, maybe its a good time to broach the subject with some of these friends and ask them if they knew anything." You've got a good point there. I confided in one good friend and he gave me some details on the guy's behaviour to other women that made her change her view of OM. I literally saw a cloud come over her face when I gave the info. I am pretty sure there was NC after then, but I can never be certain. Im concerned that contacting him may lead to some ugly revelations, especially because he may be lying. I.e., what if he claims he broke contact just as a mind ****?
OFGnomore Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 You did the right thing by just blocking him. I wouldn't give your friends ultimatums. They're adults they can make their own decisions and although not to undermine your pain, after 10 years, they may not be as understanding.
Author SleepingDog Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 You are probably right. I spent a week reliving nightmares but it has passed. I do find myself wishing I had told them back then.
OFGnomore Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) You are probably right. I spent a week reliving nightmares but it has passed. I do find myself wishing I had told them back then. When I told my H, he was incapacitated for 3 wks. Then the rage hit. He blasted emails in our town and blasted the guy professionally. You're right people get killed over this stuff. And he took heat for that, can you believe it? From the other side. Like he was crazy, blah blah. Even had the nerve to retain a lawyer and come after H. Can you imagine the court testimony, "I messed with his wife and now he's coming after me" (Snivel, snivel to the jury) I'm a woman but from this aftermath, I learned what it means for a "man" to be a p*ssy. And xMM get's the award. But a year later, H is good with himself and wouldn't change a thing. He told me, he had to lance a boil. He couldn't just swallow it or he'd ruminate forever. And xMM's W did the opposite, she was terrified to lose her H. Forgave instantly and went on damage control. A year later, I think is why she still finds ways to be in my radar. Edited January 29, 2010 by OFGnomore Clarification
Author SleepingDog Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Funny, you talk about xMM the way my W speaks about OM. 'Rat', 'creep', 'no backbone'. What possesses you women to jeopardise everything for a p*s*y? Your H sounds like my kind of guy. I went ballistic, but only vs OM, I didn't make it public. In retrospect I wish I had done more. I could have damaged his career, could have told xGF, instead I just threatened to do these things to keep him off my W's back and out of my sight. I was worried I would have nothing left to threaten him with if I went nuclear. Unnecessary, in the end because he skulked back to his hole on his own accord. I regret not having tortured him a bit more. Far more important than the missed opportunities for revenge is that I could have had a lot of real support from my friends, now I had to go through a very difficult period on my own. Perhaps then I would be less bothered by the whole A even after 10 years. What is this "Award" you are talking about, I didn't get that?
OFGnomore Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Funny, you talk about xMM the way my W speaks about OM. 'Rat', 'creep', 'no backbone'. What possesses you women to jeopardise everything for a p*s*y? Your H sounds like my kind of guy. I went ballistic, but only vs OM, I didn't make it public. In retrospect I wish I had done more. I could have damaged his career, could have told xGF, instead I just threatened to do these things to keep him off my W's back and out of my sight. I was worried I would have nothing left to threaten him with if I went nuclear. Unnecessary, in the end because he skulked back to his hole on his own accord. I regret not having tortured him a bit more. Far more important than the missed opportunities for revenge is that I could have had a lot of real support from my friends, now I had to go through a very difficult period on my own. Perhaps then I would be less bothered by the whole A even after 10 years. What is this "Award" you are talking about, I didn't get that? The "P" Label Award. Really what no man wants. Some insight, I gained from my whole ordeal. I learned to go to H when I'm lonely or want to talk about anything. We had just moved to the community and I didn't know anyone, didn't have hobbies, my life centered around my young kids and my H was working and traveling a lot. Enter xMM, and he seemed like the kind of wounded person that needed "saving". Miserable and sad and not man enough to solve his own problems but start chasing the new kid in town as a weak salve for his life/marital problems. Very much like my father in my parents unhappy M. Some on here my not buy the deep psychological stuff from our childhoods but mine was very very less than nurturing. It became more of an emotional A, with few physical intimacies. (unfortunately enough to learn the guy has "manhood problems" though:sick:) After trying to end it, with him crying and begging me back, I finally confessed to H. What I learned? Is I haven't healed from the old stuff that still needs working through INDIVIDUALLY. H knows me more now, in that my past still effects me and it's really okay to put up healthy boundaries with people, men and women to take care of yourself. We will be able to reconcile completely? Time will tell but I think we've made some positive strides. H was smart enough to know, 'how guys think', that anything less than nuclear and the wus would probably come groveling back. Especially because his wife went on the record telling people she forgave him before he got the complete confession out of his mouth. (you think she's an old hat at this? Me think so) And that she "loves him more than ever". When I read a smart gals postings like Mad Mission, I realize what crack his wife is and it's hard for me to feel sympathy for her. I think what may be stirring your anxiety is your ambivalent feelings about your marriage not xOM. Might be time to get some IC and sort it all out to figure out how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Author SleepingDog Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Well, good for you about confessing. I had to drag a confession kicking and screaming out of W, and even then it was a a pack of lies. I'm not so positive about IC. I had some when I was very younger, and after the affair as well. I was also asked in both cases if I had ambivalent feelings towards my relationship and I just did not want to answer the question, I did not want to go in any direction that might suggest split up. In any relationship I've had there where ambivalent feelings (could I do "better", "what if she's not the one") and in the end it came down to loving someone and deciding that was enough, despite the greener grass. Even in my W's case I alternately thought "she is the love of my life and I want her to be the mother of my children" and "she is driving me totally crazy".
MizzBlue72 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Expose him on facebook. Your common friends need to be warned of the fox in sheeps clothing. SD - what would this accomplish?? It puts the A RIGHT back in the limelight where it clearly should not be. I know you are hurting, but to me, doing this reopens wounds that you and your W have tried so hard to heal from. Also - it will start TONS of questions for you, your W. Do you REALLY want to put it out there? Are you ready for that? Plus - what if he gets nasty? It just sounds like way ore trouble than it's worth. My advice?? If it bothers you THAT bad ... stay off of FB. Really. It sounds like it is more trouble than it is worth for you. Good luck.
OFGnomore Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Well, good for you about confessing. I had to drag a confession kicking and screaming out of W, and even then it was a a pack of lies. That's tough... Either way unless xOM contacts your wife directly, I think it's a futile use of your energy to spend time being angry about him. You seem to be a new stage of your life, new decades can bring symbolic sentiments to people. Maybe IC, focusing on your residual anger at W, XMM and yourself could be useful to you. Anyway good luck!
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