unhappylady Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Just wondering about this one. Did any of you end the affair as you were terrified of being caught? I never once became complacent and was aware it could happen at any time. This meant that for 2 years on top of the emotions surrounding the affair I was permanently anxious and on edge. It was awful. . I also used to ruminate on how the spouse would feel if she found out and how devastating it would be to the familiy. MM never seemed as worried as me which worried me more! Did you walk around in a permanent state of anxiety and fear or just assume you wouldn't get caught?
crystal_lostheart Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I wanted him to stop the A and tell her the truth... I didn't want him to get caught but I wanted him to take action and start being honest, especially after he left home. Never happened. The lies just got deeper
pureinheart Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Wow, what a bumber to be that stressed UHL. My situation was quite different as I did not care, it was not my M. I knew the M was over. SO/exMM never said too much bad about her, although when I first met him I tried to get him to take her out to dinner/flowers and it was almost a repulsive thing that I was suggesting. I began to hear from others and people that had known him for years that it was a bad situation. I wasn't there, although I picked up certain unusual things from SO/exMM. I was hoping that he would get out of the M for his own sake, so that he could finally have a good life. Not to leave the M for me, but himself. We had an EA and that just was not working for me, so I told him he was M and to leave me alone. They cheated on each other, and I think this last time with me was his indirect way to tell her it was over as I know I showed him a different/better way to live, that happiness was/is possible. I am still in the process of understanding what really happened. Devastation for his family was not the disinegration, although would have been if it still existed.
skylarblue Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I have never worried about MM and myself being caught until I recently found out I was pregnant. Now I'm deathly afraid of being caught. Funny, but if the A ended from it (hopefully after everything is done), I’d be so happy. To be able to cut the strings and move on from MM would be great. I’d try to forget all about him. My MM doesn’t seem to worry very much about getting caught either. I know he doesn’t want to get caught, but he sure doesn’t behave like it a lot of times. I think he’s become complacent about it from being able to “pull it off” for so long. He seems so nonchalant that he is totally getting away with it and that his W has no clue what’s going on. She’s been asking him for years and since he denies everything and she “believes” him, he thinks he’ll never get caught. I think she knows, maybe not by “evidence” or confirmation, but she knows. He didn’t even seem fazed about the pregnancy and the destruction it could cause if his W found out. The only thing I recall him saying about being discovered is “I hope I can keep this from my W” and “I’ll work it out”. As for his W, I do feel sorry and regretful that I had an A with her H (something I didn’t feel before). I’m sorry for my part in bring all this pain to her. She definitely didn’t deserve it.
jennie-jennie Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Why would it? I have no need, quite the contrary, of keeping our relationship a secret.
Fallen Angel Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Just wondering about this one. Did any of you end the affair as you were terrified of being caught? I never once became complacent and was aware it could happen at any time. This meant that for 2 years on top of the emotions surrounding the affair I was permanently anxious and on edge. It was awful. . I also used to ruminate on how the spouse would feel if she found out and how devastating it would be to the familiy. MM never seemed as worried as me which worried me more! Did you walk around in a permanent state of anxiety and fear or just assume you wouldn't get caught? Neither. I assume we will get caught, again. We have already had a D-day. He doesn't seem too concerned about another.
OWoman Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Did you walk around in a permanent state of anxiety and fear or just assume you wouldn't get caught? I haven't given it a thought in any of my As - I was a single person, answerable only to myself about my love life. I was breaking no laws, rules, policies or contracts, would suffer no material or reputational damage, and was not emotionally invested so had no fear of any outcome. My last A was very public, anyway - the only person who didn't know was his xW. There were no negative consequences for either of us as a result of anyone else knowing - if anything, that worked to our advantage.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I did end one when we got very, very close to being caught. I arranged for him to be with someone else through a certain course of events and thankfully was able to walk away unscathed. Let's just put it this way: when he did get busted a couple of months later my name never came up. It was way, way too close for me - I could feel it coming. If you are an OW in my state, and you get busted you can be sued by the BW for damages to the marriage (criminal conversation - ie, sex - alienation of affection rarely wins, but CC almost always does.)
wheelwright Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 My xMOM ended the A temporarily on this basis. I did too, when I realised what was between us was possibly deep enough to withstand the wait for my M to be over. Being caught really spooked him. I didn't really see it as a possibility because we were extremely careful with texts. No email. We never did anything we couldn't deny. However, he told his W in the end. I think the possibility of her hearing a rumour spooked him so much he went to this extreme. I am sure there were other reasons for his disclosure, but since DDAy NC. It was horrible for all involved. I think the BS finding out is a huge deal for some WSs and really it's the end of the A for them when that happens - they see themselves in the eyes of the BS at that point, and that devastates them. It can be a big deal, yeah. If it is, maybe that means that their heart isn't really in the A, but in the M.
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