Extrem Girl Trouble, It Is Tearing Me Up

January 26, 2010

Okay so about a year ago in college I liked this beautiful girl. My friends and her friends vouched for me and she actually began liking me. I blew it because she had it all together and I was living the crazy life partying/drinking. It was one of my biggest regrets.

Fast forward a year. I contacted her and we started talking on the phone via text and calls. I told her how much I regretted not dating her in college and how I had matured and was preparing for law school. I learned from the past. She was very enthusiastic about seeing me and I was positive she knew my intentions.

So on Friday night we planned a dinner date on Monday (yesterday). While we were both at separate bars on Friday this loser runs into her that knew me. She excitedly told him that we were hanging out on Monday. He then return texts me all these vulgar immature things. She responds back saying do not listen to him he is so annoying and what not. She then says "I have told him many times I have a bf" She never told me this when she had every opportunity to. I then tell her if that is the case he is a lucky guy because she is an amazing girl.

On Saturday I texted her confirming dinner on Monday. I said hey sorry last night was intense lets figure out the details about Monday. My intentions were to feel out the situation see how serious the relationship is and play the friend card until the right time came. Nothing is inevitable. She responds saying "I am not so sure about Monday. I thought we were hanging as friends I do not want to lead you on." It baffles me because she HAD to know my intentions she is a bright girl. I responded "I respect you and still want to see you because your a nice person I never expected anything." The next day I sent one text suggesting a casual lunch meet up instead of dinner. She never responded.

I need help badly. I am in love with this girl. I need to get back to her wanting me as a friend then I will try and leave a great impression. I was denied this chance. I know she liked me in college and was attracted to me. We have not spoken until now in a year. I am certain I would make her happy and leave a positive vibe if I see her. I have not texted her since Sunday and do not plan to for a little while. I need to wait this out give her some space but I need a plan when I try and initiate contact again. I am thinking of something more personal than a text. Either a phone call or god forbid a voice mail. How can I get back in her good graces so that she will talk to me and agree to meet up as we had planned? I just need to gain her trust and get back in her circle. I am supremely confident if I take her out she will see what a good person I am with good intentions. It is hard to gauge that over a text or brief phone call obviously. I am so confused everything I said spelled out I wanted her like I did in undergrad. I don't know why one text saying she was amazing and her bf was a lucky guy changed the landscape dramatically. I need to repair this quick. Even if I do not ever date her I need closure. I have to see her and give it my all. What ever happens happens. It just can not end like this without me having at the very least an introduction.

Edited January 26, 2010 by The Crown

January 26, 2010

That's a pretty raw situation, we have all been there, sorry you are going through it. It's actually a good thing the immature friend intervened, as this girl is toying with you. People don't hear that someone is sorry for not dating them, then accept that someone's invitation to go out to dinner without realizing a date is what's intended. Your rude friend actually did you a favor (not condoning it just saying) preventing you from wasting time on this woman. In your shoes, I'd write her off totally and move to the next option.

January 26, 2010

I very much appreciate you taking the time to try and help. In the beginning when I was in school I actually was the one messing up. I wanted a second chance to make it all better. Obviously me saying I regret taking you out, your beautiful, lets do dinner etc. shows my true intentions. She had every opportunity to say she had a bf. The only way she said she had a bf was not even in context of me but in the context of telling the other creep at the bar she had a bf and to stay away. It was never even directed at me. I just wonder if she didn't care about my feelings why did she say she did not want to lead me on? Her actions seem contradictory to say the least. I just want a second opening to meet her in person and gauge everything for myself good or bad. It is much harder through ignored texts/phone calls. I am also confused how she was so enthusiastic and then when I said she was amazing and the guy was lucky it changed everything. It was one solo text and all my other calls/messages were just as blunt. How would this change it all? What should I do?

January 26, 2010

I very much appreciate you taking the time to try and help. In the beginning when I was in school I actually was the one messing up. I wanted a second chance to make it all better. Obviously me saying I regret taking you out, your beautiful, lets do dinner etc. shows my true intentions. She had every opportunity to say she had a bf.

I agree with with meerkat stew. She like she likes the attention bu she's messing with your head. I think you are too infatuated with her to see that she's not exactly the angel you think she is.

January 26, 2010

The only thing you can do is just back away from the situation. You could make a deal of it and put it in her face, but that accomplishes nothing. If she is so fickle that she wanted to hide a BF when first talking to you, then something some jerk says makes the BF come out suddenly, and most importantly she is now trying to backtrack out of setting what was an obvious date with you and ignoring you, she's not worth your time.

These types will twist reality and rationalize fluidly, and are a complete PITA to try to date or exist harmoniously with, as you never know what version of reality they are going to concoct up or rationalize next. They have no grip on any truth other than their impulsive emotions in the moment.

January 26, 2010

I agree with everyone here, this girl is just playing with you. She could have told you from the beginning that she had a boyfriend, but she chose not to. Just forget about her, i know that sounds hard, but its better. Its so you don't waste anymore time on her. She is not worth it, find another girl that is. Good luck.

January 26, 2010

Once again I am new to these boards. They seem full of nice caring people. I appreciate the input.

I just am so confused. The only reason the bf came out indirectly cause the guy(a former classmate and friend of mine from her same town) was texting me absurd things like I am going to do etc etc to her once he found out I was seeing her on Monday and she was like "oh my god he is annoying do not listen to him I told him many times I have a bf" This was one of the many instances where she seemed to care what I was thinking. She texted me like 4 or 5 times telling me not to worry about this loser. Even if I would call her and she could not answer the phone cause she was using gps on her cell to get home from a job interview she would give me a lengthy text to explain herself and tell me when she was calling back so I would not think she was ignoring me. She seemed to care about how I felt. When I did not taker her up in college I knew she liked me. She knew I was trying to make up for the past. She is a math major real smart girl.One text me saying she is amazing and her bf was a lucky guy changes everything that was already bluntly visible? She new EXACTLY how I felt way before that stupid drunk exchange about her bf while we were both at two separate bars Friday partying it up. I do not want to sound like a broken record but is there away to intiate successful contact again as desparate as it sounds?

January 26, 2010

. I do not want to sound like a broken record but is there away to intiate successful contact again as desparate as it sounds?

No I don't think so. I think it's time you moved on from this one

January 26, 2010

I pretty much had the same situation as you, but at least I got to date the girl for a bit, though it didn't last long. You, like I, simply waited too long. I was hooking up with my ex-girlfriend for 14 months before we actually started dating, then things ended roughly two months later. And believe me, probably about 5-6 months into her hooking -up phase, this girl was absolutely crazy about me. With your case something changed, and this girl doesn't feel that way about you anymore. Maybe she liked the party version of you, since you must have been fun to be around. I'm probably about your age, since I got out of college recently as well. Let me tell you this, people change a lot as they are transitioning from college to the real world. However, all is not lost. With this girl, I wouldn't keep my hopes up, but at least you can learn the lesson that you can't hesitate when it comes to attraction. You have to strike while the iron is hot.

January 26, 2010

I think you got your answer from the getgo. She informed you that she thought you were only seeing her as a friend (I don't understand why girls do that) so for you to think otherwise was wrong on your part. It sucks I know, but I guess that you scared her off thinking you wanted more than to just be friends (which you do).

You already know she has nothing more to offer than friendship. You could always stick around as her friend and maybe, MAYBE in the far off future something could develope, but that's unlikely and iffy at best, and it will certainly tear you up inside and you don't want that.

I say let this one go and just get a new girl.

January 26, 2010

I think the major the difference between your situation and mine is that your girl already has a man.

She may have considered for a few moments to go out on a date with you (and forget the boyfriend for a moment) but guilt caught on and she didn't know how to tell you she was in a relationship (thus the part about telling the other guy).

I'd definitely let this one go...

January 26, 2010

Thank you all so far for the comments. I just am struggling with this still. She knew how we felt in college and for like 3 weeks now she knew my intentions and knew this was a date. The truth about having a bf came out indirectly and not geared towards me. Even in her face book it says single and looking for a relationship but she is not too savvy with face book and rarely goes on it.

It may seem desperate and the odds are slim that something happens between us as stated above its just that it eats at me having to give up prematurely. Some background is she is a shy beautiful girl who did not really have bfs she did not put herself out in the open to be taken. She was one of the hottest girls in a sorority and people did not even know who she was! So this guy probably came along and was something new and now what shes used to and comfortable with. I am not going to bash the guy that is not my agenda but I am simply stating there is nothing great about him and nothing really bad about him. I have a strong gut feeling that if I had went on the date whether perceived by her as one or a grey area I would have made an amazing impression and gotten her attention. I am not being arrogant or cocky. It is simply the truth she has little to go by other than texts or calls over the last couple weeks. In person I think I could have made a strong case for myself. For all she knows I am still a crazy college unreliable frat boy that just decided texting and callher to get some and basically and was just saying what she wanted to hear.

This is why I want to replay the friend card if possible. I am not going to be a tool and attempt woo her with 20 dinners and be her go to blanket when she has a bf but I have leave her with something to think about. I have had girls in the past who said they would never even hook up with me and we were "JUST FRIENDS" and then I was persistent worked my magic they saw what I was about and even dated a few for extended lengths of time.

I just want to hear from anyone that has a good next/final attempt I should make. Whether it works or not I do not care. Just read my thread assuming I am going to make contact again after a quick breather. I need to know what to do no matter how slim chances look right now.

January 26, 2010

The more you try to contact her, the more you will push her away. You have to ignore her now. She now knows that since you know she has a bf, she doesnt want the attention from you anymore,. She knows you want to "be friends" with her in an attempt to win her over. Many guys have tried this with her and its gotten tired with her. So she doesnt want to be bothered with you. You dont need closure, her ignoring your calls was your closure whether you like it or not. Theres nothing you can do to save this, cuz she never liked you. So move on, and cut her out of your life, forget about her, find a girl that actually likes you, and doesnt have a bf. Learn your lesson from this.

January 26, 2010

The only thing that will work is to let it go, and maybe, MAYBE, it will work out. Once again you sound a lot like I did in this case. Let me guess, she liked you in college, and while you sort of liked her, you didn't want to be tied down by a relationship and decided to "play it cool." You felt no sense of urgency with the situation, therefore you took her for granted (just as I did). By the time you finally came around, she had given up on you and moved on (my ex was in the process of trying to get past me when I came around). Once you realize that she doesn't have feelings for you anymore, you are beating yourself up over the fact that you didn't make a run at things when you had the chance. Don't worry, if this great girl liked you, there will be other great ones waiting for you down the road. Just work on yourself, live a great life, and things will improve. It sucks, I know. But life goes on.

January 26, 2010

The more you try to contact her, the more you will push her away. You have to ignore her now. She now knows that since you know she has a bf, she doesnt want the attention from you anymore,. She knows you want to "be friends" with her in an attempt to win her over. Many guys have tried this with her and its gotten tired with her. So she doesnt want to be bothered with you. You dont need closure, her ignoring your calls was your closure whether you like it or not. Theres nothing you can do to save this, cuz she never liked you. So move on, and cut her out of your life, forget about her, find a girl that actually likes you, and doesnt have a bf. Learn your lesson from this.

I appreciate where you are coming from. I just in the past have been told by a couple girls we were only friends nothing will ever happen. I was persistent and it worked out better than I could have ever imagined to the point of even dating one for two years after nearly 4 months of pursuit. I knew she liked me a year ago, I know she was enthusiastic about this date. She has since ignored two texts. I have sent them sparingly. One on Saturday and one on Sunday. No calls no double texts like a creep. I would just like to make one appearance to get to the heart of matter without bull**** texts or phonecalls. Any idiot can send a text message. I need to know if the legit reason it was as friends is because of the bf or not. If it is not because of her boy friend what is it? Is it something that I can change? If it is her bf her relationship on the surface seems like it won't last forever.

January 26, 2010

The only thing that will work is to let it go, and maybe, MAYBE, it will work out. Once again you sound a lot like I did in this case. Let me guess, she liked you in college, and while you sort of liked her, you didn't want to be tied down by a relationship and decided to "play it cool." You felt no sense of urgency with the situation, therefore you took her for granted (just as I did). By the time you finally came around, she had given up on you and moved on (my ex was in the process of trying to get past me when I came around). Once you realize that she doesn't have feelings for you anymore, you are beating yourself up over the fact that you didn't make a run at things when you had the chance. Don't worry, if this great girl liked you, there will be other great ones waiting for you down the road. Just work on yourself, live a great life, and things will improve. It sucks, I know. But life goes on.

This is nearly the same EXACT scenario as me. I just found she was extremely eager to go on this date I stated I regretted college she knew where I was coming from. We were not "old acquaintances" from college that needed to "catch up". I could think of a 100 people before her where I actually would feel the need to "catch up as a friend" I wonder why all the sudden it became so more apparent to her then everything else I had blatantly said the last few weeks. If I do give it a try in the distant iffy future (I am thinking at least a month) so it doesn't show I am coming on super strong even as I already have this past weekend. What would I say to her to see if times have changed?

January 26, 2010

Don't contact her! She knows how you feel. If she changes her mind, she'll let you know. The only chance you have with this girl is to let her go and move on. Don't drive her away and cause her to resent you. I did that, and it sucks. You will only torture yourself by facing constant rejection. Typically when a girl loses feelings for you, they will never come back. If you keep trying things with her, word will get out that you are a creepy guy who just doesn't get it. Keep your dignity intact. You will find someone else.

January 26, 2010

Don't contact her! She knows how you feel. If she changes her mind, she'll let you know. The only chance you have with this girl is to let her go and move on. Don't drive her away and cause her to resent you. I did that, and it sucks. You will only torture yourself by facing constant rejection. Typically when a girl loses feelings for you, they will never come back. If you keep trying things with her, word will get out that you are a creepy guy who just doesn't get it. Keep your dignity intact. You will find someone else.

So when she said on Saturday I am not so sure about Monday I thought we were hanging as friends I replied "I respect you I did not expect anything I think your a nice person" and then the following day Sunday I just suggested a casual thing watered down from the previous suggested date since I did not get a definitive yes or no about still hanging out and did not get a response. Do you believe that just by responding to her text on Saturday and just a follow up text Sunday did not put me in that resentful creep does not get it category right? If I were to continue it surely would? You think I should obviously let it lie. I shot myself in the foot by making my true feelings known quick but I dont think I did anything yet to actually get her upset or angry with me. I want to avoid doing that at all costs. I was only conflicted because in the past I have been super persistent and girls finally gave in. One even being a meaningful two year relationship after she said she would not even kiss me but then again the strenuous 4 month pursuit was pure hell that involved frustration, jealously, blowing off my boys etc and did not work out in the long run.

Edited January 26, 2010 by The Crown

January 26, 2010

I don't think she's upset but no healthy woman would want to hang out (even just as friends) with a guy who's interested in more while the feeling is not reciprocated. That's just one uncomfortable situation to be in.

You should be thankful that she is not stringing you along.

January 26, 2010

Still, the big thing here is that this girl knows how you feel and she still doesn't want to be with you. Most likely the situation will not change. I'm sorry. You had your chance with this girl and you let it slip out of your hands. In the future if you know a girl likes you and you feel like you may have the same feelings, go ahead and explore them. Ask her out. If it ends up you were wrong, oh well. It sucks living with the regret that let a great girl slip away from you because you didn't want to be tied down at the moment.

January 26, 2010

You should probably let it go. You had a chance and blew it then waited a year before trying to make it right. Her thoughts are probably I'm so pleased he called me and He is probably going to do that again.

You can keep in contact with her if you care about her as a friend but I really think that persuing a relationship with her will not get you anywhere. Just try and move on find someone new.

January 26, 2010

Still, the big thing here is that this girl knows how you feel and she still doesn't want to be with you. Most likely the situation will not change. I'm sorry. You had your chance with this girl and you let it slip out of your hands. In the future if you know a girl likes you and you feel like you may have the same feelings, go ahead and explore them. Ask her out. If it ends up you were wrong, oh well. It sucks living with the regret that let a great girl slip away from you because you didn't want to be tied down at the moment.

I agree with what is being said I just think the main component was her having a bf. This was the main obstacle not something I was lacking. She has been with this guy for a year and this is what she knows. She knows little about me since we did not meet up and only talked on the phone and texted for a couple weeks. I am positive that a face to face would of definitely not hurt me but could of only helped me. That is why I still wanted an attempt succeed or fail.

January 26, 2010

She knows little about me since we did not meet up and only talked on the phone and texted for a couple weeks. I am positive that a face to face would of definitely not hurt me but could of only helped me. That is why I still wanted an attempt succeed or fail.

Seriously, it doesn't matter what could've been. I think everyone here has given you consistently good advice and you keep trying to rationalize the situation. Who cares what could've been? She doesn't want to be with you, end of story. There's no nice way to say this. Move on, man!

January 26, 2010

I do not want to sound like a broken record but is there away to intiate successful contact again as desparate as it sounds?

Why would you want to? Either she's playing games with you or she has a boyfriend. Either situation is not good for anyone. Do you want to encourage her to cheat? If she has a bf, and cheats with you, who's to say she wouldn't then cheat on you in the future?

It's just a bad situation all the way around. Things happen for a reason. Walk away, and if in the future she's not in a relationship and wants to play "fair" and honest, then talk to her.

January 26, 2010

Crown, it's all about timing.

It's always when we realize what we want it's not available to us anymore.

I've had this happen before and I broke off all contact with them and they eventually contacted me 8 years later. I was still immature and she wanted a relationship, I didn't because I had just broken up with someone else. She gave me an ultimatium and I didn't take it. Do I regret it sometimes? Yes. Did I let her know about it? Yes, once at that was it. I told her I made a mistake and I regret it.

If you need to, tell her your feelings one last time in a real, heartfelt way and then DROP OFF the face of the earth. Respect the fact that she is in a relationship, you will have planted a seed in her mind though.

There's an old saying: They say if you love someone, let them go. If they don't come back, then they were never yours to begin with. But if they do come back, they're yours forever (except in my case, because I was immature).....

This is your best shot, good luck.

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Extrem Girl Trouble, It Is Tearing Me Up

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