Ex getting wrong idea because of NC?

[Winger6]

I've been on NC for only 3 days but my ex had no intention to stop talking to me. She wanted to stay friends. I need NC to move on but I also would love to have her back. I am afraid that b/c of NC, she thinks Im ignoring her and being a jerk about the whole thing. I clearly told her before NC that if this is the way its gonna be then I need time to myself and it only pains me to talk to her.

 

Today she tried contacting me 3 times. Once by phone which I didnt pick up and twice over skype IM, which I didnt answer. She told me she misses me but respects me for what I am doing. Then an hour later asked quite bluntly if I was really ignoring her.

 

I'm holding my ground but I dont want her to get the wrong idea that I want nothing to do with her. Any advice or ideas to keep in mind when using NC?

[USMCHokie]

I've been on NC for only 3 days but my ex had no intention to stop talking to me. She wanted to stay friends. I need NC to move on but I also would love to have her back. I am afraid that b/c of NC, she thinks Im ignoring her and being a jerk about the whole thing. I clearly told her before NC that if this is the way its gonna be then I need time to myself and it only pains me to talk to her.

 

Today she tried contacting me 3 times. Once by phone which I didnt pick up and twice over skype IM, which I didnt answer. She told me she misses me but respects me for what I am doing. Then an hour later asked quite bluntly if I was really ignoring her.

 

I'm holding my ground but I dont want her to get the wrong idea that I want nothing to do with her. Any advice or ideas to keep in mind when using NC?

 

 

Please refer to the highlighted passages above. They are all completely irrelevant. You are doing well to maintain NC. If she wants you, then she has to want you the same way you want her. Otherwise, she doesn't get you. Stay strong, my friend. You are well on your way to moving on.

[crazy4you]

I remember over a year ago I was dumped for someone else. When I got dumped I thought ok this is a horrible feeling, but I'll move on eventually, I'll just stop talking to her and try and move on. Yet she contacted me every minute she could through text and even wanted to see me.

 

I tried explaining to her that I need space if I'm gonna get over her but she started getting all depressed and crying and threatening to cut herself asking why I can't be friends with her. Eventually that question turned into "don't you love me? don't you want me?" I'M NOT THE ONE WHO DUMPED YOU!!!!

 

Anyway.. point is, keeping contact with you is keeping you in lingo over the relationship. You simply don't need it. I ended up getting back together with her but at the time, it wasn't because I wanted to, I simply feared for her safety and I thought that she could change. But now a year later, she's been doing the same thing over and over again and I'm MISERABLE!

 

Trust me, once you're broken up, tell her it's all or nothing.

[Winger6]

I tried explaining to her initially that if this is the way its going to be then I can't keep talking to her and hurting myself. I never told her that I never want to speak to her again or anything..

 

She tells me she doesn't know what she wants and I'm just afraid that NC will push her into someone elses arms b/c she is looking for that emotional fix. And what really worries me is that she'll be looking for that emotional fix but the guy shes talking to will be looking at nothing but her chest... Makes me sick to think about b/c i know she is better than that.

[CaliGuy]

I've been on NC for only 3 days

 

It's a start I suppose.

 

but my ex had no intention to stop talking to me. She wanted to stay friends.

 

This is because she is selfish. She wants to stay friends to boost her self-esteem and confidence at your expense. She wants to get whatever needs she has that you meet met by you, but your needs go unmet. Don't be a door mat, ok? You don't need her "friendship" whatsoever.

 

I need NC to move on but I also would love to have her back. I am afraid that b/c of NC, she thinks Im ignoring her and being a jerk about the whole thing. I clearly told her before NC that if this is the way its gonna be then I need time to myself and it only pains me to talk to her.

 

Quit being a door mat, ok? Stop being "afraid" of NC. She isn't coming back. If she really loved you, she wouldn't have left in the first place. People who truly love you DO NOT LEAVE YOU. She left because she doesn't feel the same way about you that you feel about her. Going NC doesn't destroy any second chances. Going NC helps you get your head in the right place and helps you heal and move on. Her reasons to stay in contact with you are COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE towards your healing.

 

She needs to stay the heck out of your life and leave you alone so you can heal. If she really loved and respected you, she would honor your request for no contact.

 

Today she tried contacting me 3 times. Once by phone which I didnt pick up and twice over skype IM, which I didnt answer. She told me she misses me but respects me for what I am doing. Then an hour later asked quite bluntly if I was really ignoring her.

 

I'm holding my ground but I dont want her to get the wrong idea that I want nothing to do with her. Any advice or ideas to keep in mind when using NC?

 

Stick with NC. She is merely using contact with you to hold her over until she starts dating another guy. When that happens you won't be hearing from her again.

 

Is that how you deserve to be treated? My guess is you don't think so but you don't love and respect yourself so you'll eventually start talking to her again... Hoping for a second chance with someone who's already taken you for granted once. Not a good idea.

 

You're too worried about losing her. She's ALREADY GONE. She doesn't know what she wants, right? But she KNOWS she doesn't want you because you're not dating.

 

Do you get it?! She doesn't care enough to work things out before breaking it off -- why should she get ANY of you at all? If you love and respect yourself you WALK AWAY and never talk to her again.

 

She'll learn her lesson -- and you'll end up with someone 1000 times better for you in the long run.

Edited January 26, 2010 by CaliGuy

[WiseOne1]

Listen to caliguy, he’s right!

NC doesn't harm your chances at a 2nd chance, NC is used for moving on, heeling, getting your thoughts together.

 

It's actually the opposite, it's normal to think that if you disappear from someone’s life that they can forget about you easier, while in reality it's not true when referring to a dumper.

 

Don't let her have her cake and eat it too, because rather you stay NC or be friends with her 1 day......1 day......just 1....your going to start noticing that she’s drifting away...your going to wonder what's going on.....she’s then going to break the news "I have a new BF" and your going to be crushed!!!!!

So her getting a new BF is going to happen regardless...how I know??? Because I’ve been overlooking loveshack for 4 years, and have seen this exact same situation maybe 600+ times.

 

1. NC puts you in a good position regardless of the outcome. NC allows you to get over her, so therefore if she doesn't come back, YOU DON'T CARE.

 

2. NC puts you in a good position because if she does come back, you can think more clearly, and not make a bad decision, you can choose rather it's worth it or not.

 

Either way your going to get NC out of the deal, simply because the first couple of months in her NEW relationship (honeymoon stage) she’s going to drop off the face of the earth and stop calling you..if you attempt to call her she might go as far as blocking you...sounds crazy huh...

[LostInLimbo]

Hi Winger, I wouldn't totally agree with Caliguy, that she isn't coming back, but keep in mind, IF SHE DOES, your only going to be back where you are now, going through it all over again, read my posts and possibly see why.

 

Keep also in mind CaliGuy has great advice as he has given me advice in the past with my situation, along with others who have, its all up to you and how you feel, our advice may only help guide you (possibly) but only you can choose to use it or concider it.

 

Best of luck, we have all been here, some of us still here..

 

LiL

[sunrae]

Caliguy is right.. It's tough love coming from him, but he is right...

Sometimes, when the hurt is so new and we are not thinking clearly we need that tough love to slap us in the fac and make us think clearly.

 

Re-read Caliguys post...

[Winger6]

Thanks for the replies. I'd figure I would update you on whats going on. She has kept trying to contact me. Three more times tonight. She texted me once saying that she is legitimately worried cause she has not heard from me and she just wants to know I am ok, and then she called and I didn't pick up. She then proceeded to text me again asking .."Why do you want to hurt me so bad? I just want to know your ok"..

 

Obviously she is missing the point. Why would she just think I would be totally ok with talking to her? Why would she think I am trying to hurt her?

 

It's almost borderline to where I'm pissed about it. Is she really that selfish to where she'll think I'm doing this to hurt her?

 

Continuing NC. Thanks for all the advice thus far guys. I really appreciate that tough love caliguy. A perspective like yours is a nice dose of the reality of the situation. Thanks again.

Edited January 27, 2010 by Winger6

[Winger6]

She called again last night at 2:00a. Three times in quick succession. I didn't pick up but after the third time she simply texted me "Call asap". I didn't, and don't know if I should.

 

I know it wasn't a drunk dial b/c she has heavy classes in the middle of the week.

 

I feel somewhat of an urgency to where she needs to speak with me, but if it is just b/c she wants to talk and nothing has changed, I'll be right back to square one.

 

Is it right to assume that she would say the "right things" in order to get me to talk if she is considering reconciliation?

[HeavenOrHell]

You've told her what you are doing and why, she isn't respecting your feelings.

My ex has said from the start he wants to stay friends but said that if it's painful for me that he understands and will give me space.

[redy2]

Change ur number. don't believe for one minute she is concerned about you. This is all about her. By going no contact you are not stroking her ego like she wants and chasing after her. Girls like drama.

 

keep up the good work and dont cave in!!!

[sunrae]

. Girls like drama.

 

keep up the good work and dont cave in!!!

 

 

Sigh, Not all girls like drama.. I dont.... But the ones who do like Wingers ex, you dont need them around....

 

Winger you're doing good... Try to ignore her and keep NC....

[Limbo21]

Are you sure you weren't dating my ex winger6? My ex did and still does exactly the same. She had even gone so far as to send me a 'it's urgent I speak to you, i've got something really important to tell you' .... When I questioned this she just said 'oh that, it was nothing, just a way of trying to get you to answer me'

 

if she's th same as my ex she will create new emails to bypass the block, new facebook accounts for the same reason and hand post letters & cards through my front door.

 

Do yourself a favour and listen to the advice above. I didn't and I badly regret it. Goodluck

[mikeymad]

I tried explaining to her initially that if this is the way its going to be then I can't keep talking to her and hurting myself. I never told her that I never want to speak to her again or anything..

 

She tells me she doesn't know what she wants and I'm just afraid that NC will push her into someone elses arms b/c she is looking for that emotional fix. And what really worries me is that she'll be looking for that emotional fix but the guy shes talking to will be looking at nothing but her chest... Makes me sick to think about b/c i know she is better than that.

 

yup, and she'll screw that one up too, and the one after that, and after that...you may know she's better than that, but she's gonna have to learn the hard way that's now how you go through life. it's not your problem to fix her, unless you want to spend massive amounts of time, energy, and possibly still come out the same way.

 

also, monkeys like this never let go of one branch until they have a firm hold on another.

[Winger6]

A trusted friend found out that when my ex called me 3 times last night she was drunk when she did it. Ugh.

 

Why can't there be a switch you can turn on and off when it comes to moving on and not caring anymore?

 

I'm so depressed over this crap. I hate that this happened and it never should have. Still maintaining NC...

[Winger6]

Just had a barrage of phone calls and texts... Ex threatened to call my parents saying she was worried about me. She also said that she loves how I never ignored my ex's (older ex) calls but with her I'm acting like she never existed. She also said she doesnt know why I am doing this to her.. (LOL; this... to her!?) and then she called me a pet name.. ouch. then she tried to lay the guilt by asking me what i would do if she ignored me straight up for 5 straight days.

 

Icing on the cake was that she said she has never been so hurt than by me.. She then proceeded to say I am literally killing her.

 

This is turning into a mess... I'm beginning to think I'm being counterproductive towards a chance on getting her back.

 

 

Please help with some sort of input!

 

Opinions please. It is so hard to stay strong when the person you love is calling out to you so.

 

The only thing keeping me from replying is I cant go through with her just getting her peace of mind from me then she just drops off the face of the earth! That risk is way too high!

[HLP234]

My ex was the same when she said she wanted a break. I would do LC/NC and she would complain I don't talk to her. You have to realize that they may not understand how much they are hurting you and just want to have you there just as someone to console in or talk to when things are rough. If you were hurt by her choice or what she did, you don't need to be friends since you have to heal.

 

She can heal herself too, those who usually leave us can get over it much more quicker because they leave for a reason..usually for someone else.

[OndaChin]

Just had a barrage of phone calls and texts... Ex threatened to call my parents saying she was worried about me. She also said that she loves how I never ignored my ex's (older ex) calls but with her I'm acting like she never existed. She also said she doesnt know why I am doing this to her.. (LOL; this... to her!?) and then she called me a pet name.. ouch. then she tried to lay the guilt by asking me what i would do if she ignored me straight up for 5 straight days.

 

Icing on the cake was that she said she has never been so hurt than by me.. She then proceeded to say I am literally killing her.

 

This is turning into a mess... I'm beginning to think I'm being counterproductive towards a chance on getting her back.

 

 

Please help with some sort of input!

 

Opinions please. It is so hard to stay strong when the person you love is calling out to you so.

 

The only thing keeping me from replying is I cant go through with her just getting her peace of mind from me then she just drops off the face of the earth! That risk is way too high!

 

WINGER6- Here's the deal

 

*Part of moving on (after a relationship ends) is 'Acceptance' of one's belief that all that can be done has "been done" to sustain a relationship.

 

I've been in your place and know all to well the confusion on whether you are doing right by ignoring her. It's apparent that you haven't accepted the finality of this relationship in your own heart.

 

To get resolution, I suggest the following (call her).

 

1.) Call her OR Meet her and express your feelings. (One last time)

 

Tell her exactly what you feel inside and don't hold anything back. Make sure you know that deep inside you have explored all your avenues of reconciliation with this woman and have articulated them fully to her. (This will give you emotional power if things don't work out- because, you NOW KNOW YOU DID EVERYTHING possible to save the relationship regardless of what she does afterwards. This helps to close out the relationship when things tank!)

 

If she can't except your feelings and no middle ground can be reached- atleast you have done ALL YOU COULD. There's no shame in the effort to talk and it does help (depite the hurt) to enable you to move on without too much regret.

 

When you know deep down you really made an effort to try and ultimately it was her that didnt follow through in saving the relationship- "Cutting your ties with her become much easier to do". This is when you "Accept" the relationship as FAILED. When this occurs- the pain lessons considerably and you can truly move on. I promise you this!!!

 

Be strong and stay true to your heart!

 

Good Luck!

[Beeotch]

I've been on NC for only 3 days but my ex had no intention to stop talking to me. She wanted to stay friends. I need NC to move on but I also would love to have her back. I am afraid that b/c of NC, she thinks Im ignoring her and being a jerk about the whole thing. I clearly told her before NC that if this is the way its gonna be then I need time to myself and it only pains me to talk to her.

 

Today she tried contacting me 3 times. Once by phone which I didnt pick up and twice over skype IM, which I didnt answer. She told me she misses me but respects me for what I am doing. Then an hour later asked quite bluntly if I was really ignoring her.

 

I'm holding my ground but I dont want her to get the wrong idea that I want nothing to do with her. Any advice or ideas to keep in mind when using NC?

 

Just tell the person the truth....that you don't hate them but you need space to be over them, then you can be friends. They should respect that and you have nothing to feel guilty for if you are truthful.

 

Unless the person cheated on you or did something completely messed up...there is nothing wrong with being polite and honest. They might feel bad for a while but will get over it.

[redy2]

Ok and if she is so worried why isn't she on your doorstep????? Your like a hundred miles from her not a thousand. No reason why she just doesn't show up. Change you number.

[e.clipse]

if she genuinely/sincerely cared about you, she would understand that you are hurting right now and would not want to add to your hurt by contacting you.

 

it is no science that when someone you love leaves you, you are left heartbroken. in this case, she broke up with you and you are hurting because of that and because you want her back in your life again, which is normal, believe you me.

 

however, because you want her back as something more than friends, while she just wants friendship, there is a conflict. when you want someone back, hearing things about them--much more from them--is incredibly painful and hurtful, as it makes you believe, sometimes falsely, that that person is coming back.

 

because of this, i sincerely believe you cannot be friends with an EX, if you still have romantic feelings for them. her hurt right now is probably all located in her ego in that you are ignoring her; she is being selfish.

 

your hurt, on the other hand, is in your heart.

 

if you want, tell her simply that you cannot be in contact with her because you want more than she does, so you need to cut off all ties to move on. someday, when you do, then sure, you can be friends, if that's what you want. right now, though, you are 100 percent right in what you are doing by maintaining NC.

 

or, you can simply continue with NC until she backs off. either way, remaining in NC is definitely the best way to cope.

[jazzpur]

any updates on this winger?

 

im going through something very similar....shes the one contacting me all the time, only she left me for somebody else..

[Winger6]

She finally sent me a message stating that she is going to come by this weekend while I'm not around and gather the rest of her things. She told me that I made my point clear and she will not call or text me again and that shes sorry it took her this long to listen.

 

That really stings, but I don't think she'll never contact me again.. not if our relationship ever meant anything.

 

She says she still doesnt know what she wants but I know she is out seeing another guy while she's home this weekend. The truth is, she DOES know what she wants, but she won't tell me the truth b/c she doesnt want to hurt me further and she doesn't want to rule herself entirely out of my future if things don't work out. I'd rather her just flat out say what she wants RIGHT NOW though b/c her telling me she doesn't know what she wants is basically keeping me in the game hoping that she'll come around. I'm sticking with NC b/c if I want her back (which as of late I'm not even sure if I do anymore) she has to want it as well and initiate the reconciliation.

 

I do have plans in the long term to see and talk to her again and see where that takes us, but right now I know I am not ready. I need to know nothing and see nothing. Like its been said so many times before, ignorance is bliss.

 

I'm doing ok through the day now. In the morning and at night before bed are the worst when my mind has the chance to ponder things. I've been trying to stay busy throughout all hours.

 

This thread has been a major help and thanks to all that contributed. Each day is another step to forgetting this mess.

[malc]

Good luck Winger, Hope you get your head around all this BS, I can understand you mate, going through a very similar thing, and for me like you, the worse time is in the morning and at night, where for a split second, I think she is still there in my life and looking at my phone and email constantly sometimes to see if I have had any messages from her. NC will make things a lot more clearer hopefully as to where you stand, and I hope it does for me.

 

Keep us updated on your story.