start-fresh Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 In replying to cogent_love's thread, I got to thinking about something about myself. It really makes me kind of sad more than anything. I never really dated very much in high school. I did more in college, but still wasn't able to find a serious relationship. Now, I'm in the workforce and it's harder than ever to meet women. Kind of like OpenGL's thread, I have a lot going for me - good job, volunteer work, generally on track to live a respectable life, etc. I haven't really been directly pursuing many opportunities with women, more going on the approach of living life hoping someone will cross my path. Honestly, that's more of a self preservation mechanism than anything. The way I've been able to stay upbeat is by not putting myself in situations to be rejected regularly. I always think "I'm young, I just need to do good things that fulfill me and the right person will come eventually." But going back to my first paragraph, here's what makes me wonder. Is it possible I'm conditioning myself so that I'm becoming incapable of loving someone? Is that even possible? I feel like that part of me is buried so deep inside and it's getting smaller every day. I've been spared a lot of heartache by living life the way I have, but I've also missed out on a lot of good things in life. I'm surprised how easy it is for me to isolate myself in certain ways and still live a mostly happy lifestyle.
cogent_love Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Aw, I'm sorry that my post brought up sad emotions for you. Maybe you can have something happen out of them. I am all about creating possibilities. Waiting for someone to cross your path is what a lot of people do, but it seems to be very frustrating. And I do believe that if the thought that you are conditioning yourself is crossing your mind, you may very well be. It must mean something. And I am sure that's not the way you want to live your life. I'm not sure how much this pertains, but, I said in another post- any girl that you see when you are out and about in daily life, that looks cool/seems nice/cute/pretty, or you just feel a spark, talk to her! The worst that can happen is she won't want to talk to you. Compare that to the possibility of meeting some awesome women, and possibly girlfriends, and it's nothing. You seem like you have a lot to offer. Don't hide yourself!
counterman Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Like you said, it is a self-preservation sort of thing. I don't think you can completely stifle the way you feel, especially love, but, by the lifestyle you're living, you're certainly not allowing yourself the best of opportunities to love someone - that also means allowing yourself to possibly get hurt and rejected. Some positives are that you're actually doing well, things that you do find fulfilling and also you're very happy. Don't be so naive as to think that the right person will come around and she'll ask you out. Maybe an opportunity will present itself and it could be up to you to make a move if you're interested enough and feel strongly about her.
DiscoChick Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I think the woman in the ad to the right would make a nice redhead. *sighs* Anyway, I'm sure you'll come out when you need to. You'll definitely react when you think you've found the right woman. Just focus on making yourself happy. Let yourself go. Out, out and experience. Love the way the sun warms your face and the bitter winter wind freezes your skin. Hahahaaha. Take me for example. I literally get sick in social settings, but I've managed to drag in a few friends. I may not be the top in looks or being outgoing, but I have a positive outlook on life. I don't NEED someone to make me happy. I want someone that I can make happy. If that makes sense...
Author start-fresh Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Aw, I'm sorry that my post brought up sad emotions for you. Maybe you can have something happen out of them. I am all about creating possibilities. Waiting for someone to cross your path is what a lot of people do, but it seems to be very frustrating. And I do believe that if the thought that you are conditioning yourself is crossing your mind, you may very well be. It must mean something. And I am sure that's not the way you want to live your life. I'm not sure how much this pertains, but, I said in another post- any girl that you see when you are out and about in daily life, that looks cool/seems nice/cute/pretty, or you just feel a spark, talk to her! The worst that can happen is she won't want to talk to you. Compare that to the possibility of meeting some awesome women, and possibly girlfriends, and it's nothing. You seem like you have a lot to offer. Don't hide yourself! Oh don't worry about it. I'm doing a lot of self reflection lately so it's all good. And you're definitely right that going up and talking to someone doesn't hurt at all. It's just so easy for me to keep people at a distance. That's what bothers me.
cogent_love Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Oh don't worry about it. I'm doing a lot of self reflection lately so it's all good. And you're definitely right that going up and talking to someone doesn't hurt at all. It's just so easy for me to keep people at a distance. That's what bothers me. Okay good. Self reflection is usually a plus! Haha. You know what, I have the same problem. Just with making friends. I don't feel a particular need for them I guess. But I have 2 that I can count on...and I'm not sure that's normal. But for me it's pretty easy to feel happy and fulfilled without more friends. But I don't think it's healthy.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I think you're misunderstanding what people say about not trying too hard to find that special someone. You still have to put yourself out there, but don't put too much pressure on the situation as it will inevitably lead to failure. You have to show interest, but not too much interest. Potential girls need to see you showing the attitude, "I could be interested in you, but there are other girls I could have interest for as well." Be fun, be interesting, and don't make women the number one priority in your life.
Author start-fresh Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Okay good. Self reflection is usually a plus! Haha. You know what, I have the same problem. Just with making friends. I don't feel a particular need for them I guess. But I have 2 that I can count on...and I'm not sure that's normal. But for me it's pretty easy to feel happy and fulfilled without more friends. But I don't think it's healthy. I don't really need a lot of close friends, either. A lot of people that have a lot of 'friends' interact with them on a really shallow level. That's not a bad thing, necessarily, as many people are able to gracefully cast a wide social net and feel fulfilled by that. Personally, I think maintaining that big of a social network is exhausting, so I don't bother. If you do have a few close friends though, and for whatever reason one moves on, it makes it a lot harder though because you can't just bounce to someone new.
cogent_love Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I don't really need a lot of close friends, either. A lot of people that have a lot of 'friends' interact with them on a really shallow level. That's not a bad thing, necessarily, as many people are able to gracefully cast a wide social net and feel fulfilled by that. Personally, I think maintaining that big of a social network is exhausting, so I don't bother. If you do have a few close friends though, and for whatever reason one moves on, it makes it a lot harder though because you can't just bounce to someone new. Yes, it is exhausting! At least for me too. Haha. Sometimes I wish I had more people to share things with or talk to, but apparently not often enough for me to do anything about it. But I can see the bouncing problem. Even if me and my boyfriend broke up there would be a problem. He is such a light and support in my life I don't know.. I would need to make some girlfriends quick!
Author start-fresh Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 I think you're misunderstanding what people say about not trying too hard to find that special someone. You still have to put yourself out there, but don't put too much pressure on the situation as it will inevitably lead to failure. You have to show interest, but not too much interest. Potential girls need to see you showing the attitude, "I could be interested in you, but there are other girls I could have interest for as well." Be fun, be interesting, and don't make women the number one priority in your life. Yeah, I know. I'm not really in a lot of situations lately to meet potential partners even. I really think a part of that has to do with my location, though. I'm in a pretty small town with not a lot of singles my age. It's a great place for raising a young family but being a young professional here is pretty limiting datewise. I planning to move next year once I save up some money for grad school, so hopefully things will improve at some point.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Cogent Love, you need to make more friends. It's hard to have a large number of close friends, but I myself probably have at least 3 circles of friends, and it works great. When it comes to friends and potential suitors, it's great to have options. Let's say you and your boyfriend don't last, you'll need the support of as many friends as possible. Let's say you have a falling out with these few friends you have, you'll need other friends to lean on.
cogent_love Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Cogent Love, you need to make more friends. It's hard to have a large number of close friends, but I myself probably have at least 3 circles of friends, and it works great. When it comes to friends and potential suitors, it's great to have options. Let's say you and your boyfriend don't last, you'll need the support of as many friends as possible. Let's say you have a falling out with these few friends you have, you'll need other friends to lean on. I just don't know where to look. I work at a grocery store. Most of them are older. I go to school, I go home. I don't linger...I go to work. I do homework. You know? Idk... where? when? how? Do you participate in activity groups? Part of a religion?
USMCHokie Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I think you're misunderstanding what people say about not trying too hard to find that special someone. You still have to put yourself out there, but don't put too much pressure on the situation as it will inevitably lead to failure. You have to show interest, but not too much interest. Potential girls need to see you showing the attitude, "I could be interested in you, but there are other girls I could have interest for as well." Be fun, be interesting, and don't make women the number one priority in your life. I'll add to this with a different perspective of looking at it and use myself as an example...I think the whole "trying too hard" angle has a lot to do with expectation... Right after my breakup (and even before that relationship), I had friends take me out with the goal of me meeting someone and hooking up or whatever. So at the beginning of the night, they pounded that expectation into me. I spent the whole night focusing on that one goal, instead of just having fun with my friends. At the end of the night when I went home alone, I felt like a failure. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt like OpenGL. And this happened multiple times, where I'd hate going out because I didn't "accomplish the mission"...I was 'trying too hard', as they say, to make things happen. After repeated failures and a trip down to Tampa to meet up with my really good friends, I realized that this wasn't the right approach at all. I realized that I should be going out, doing activities, etc. to enjoy the company of my friends and have a good time with them. When you are having fun at whatever you're doing, people will notice. They will want to join in on the fun. And it will make you MUCH more approachable. It will also make you feel good at the end of the night that you had a great time. So it doesn't matter whether you're in a bar, or a rock climbing gym, or a bookstore or the park; and it doesn't matter whether you're there with 2 friends or 10; just have fun without that lingering expectation to meet someone.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Exactly, if you're young and single, you need to be in a city with plenty of other people who are both young and single. Where do you live, if you don't mind my asking?
USMCHokie Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I just don't know where to look. I work at a grocery store. Most of them are older. I go to school, I go home. I don't linger...I go to work. I do homework. You know? Idk... where? when? how? Do you participate in activity groups? Part of a religion? Networking...the absolute best way to make new friends is through existing friends...but you can't wait for them to become your friend...you have to make it happen...
Author start-fresh Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Exactly, if you're young and single, you need to be in a city with plenty of other people who are both young and single. Where do you live, if you don't mind my asking? Um, Midwestern town with about 8000 people or so? About 10 bars, Wal Mart, etc. Don't get me wrong, it would be GREAT to raise a family here, but otherwise, meh. Edit: haha, that sound bad. bars and raising family weren't intended to correlate.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 And let me add on top of USMCHokie that having friends provides social proof. Yes, it's shallow, but most girls really don't find that lone-wolf thing to be attractive. It actually comes off as creepy.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Haha, bars and family correlate quite well. I know plenty of people who have started a family after a night out at the bar. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Author start-fresh Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 making family also doesn't correlate with successfully raising a family either, though. anyone can make a family
USMCHokie Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 And let me add on top of USMCHokie that having friends provides social proof. Yes, it's shallow, but most girls really don't find that lone-wolf thing to be attractive. It actually comes off as creepy. Unless you're rich. And rode into the place in your Ferrari. And you were suited-up.
Zeegagge Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I'm hopeful. My emotions must like to live on the edge. I go so high and crash so hard every time, then I go back for more. I'm addicted to the love and to the pain at this point. It's like a drug and I can't get enough. One day whining here, the next day in the breakup forum, the cycle repeats and so it goes. Im ready to fight for it too. I just wonder who's next, oh the ride *grits teeth*
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