crazy4you Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I feel as if this is going to happen, and very soon. I've been with my gf for over 2 years and some months now. We used to have the greatest thing. We love eachother. We're one of those couples that always see eachother every day and all day. That's not my choice, it's hers, she constantly wants to be with me (sometimes I feel like it's making me feel caged). Anyway, last year we had some problems. She dumped me for another guy and then dumped him within a day or so and started getting all depressed so I went back to her because I still loved her no matter what she did. Throughout the year she dumped me multiple times for a day or so each time before we got back together. We were on and off for months. The point is.. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being played like this. She seems like she just can't make up her mind. She finds pitiful excuses to leave me and then begs me to take her back, and through it all I get my heart trampled on. One of the biggest reasons she wants to leave me is because she thinks I don't love her enough. except her concept of love means me proposing to her. I'm a college student, only 21, and she's 18. I'm not ready to get married. She also wants children ASAP and I'm not ready for that either. I just don't understand.. she always wants something and if I don't want it it's worth leaving me. I have a feeling like this is the best thing for me, but at the same time I love her so much and I don't want to lose her. But I keep thinking this will keep happening. I'm supposed to see her tomorrow.. it's our 2 years and 4 months ann. She expects me to travel 30 miles (via Train) just to see her and if I know her, she won't want me to leave until very late at night (and I have an early morning class the next day). I'm not sure what to do.. If I go, she might break up with me and it'll be such a chore, but then again it might help ease her up on all the complaining she's been doing. If I don't go, it'll surely end the relationship, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. I'm utterly confused and honestly, in the past when I thought of a breakup, I couldn't see myself in the future without her, but now when I look in the future I'm finding it hard to picture me with her. That being said, it doesn't mean I don't love her because I do. It would break my heart to be without her but truth is I'm miserable with her. I just need some advice or stories or something I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. Help!
Boundary Problem Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 see eachother every day and all day. That's not my choice, it's hers, she constantly wants to be with me (sometimes I feel like it's making me feel caged). She dumped me for another guy and then dumped him within a day or so and started getting all depressed Throughout the year she dumped me multiple times for a day or so We were on and off for months. The point is.. I'm sick of it. One of the biggest reasons she wants to leave me is because she thinks I don't love her enough. except her concept of love means me proposing to her. She also wants children ASAP and I'm not ready for that either. If I don't go, it'll surely end the relationship, now when I look in the future I'm finding it hard to picture me with her. I'm miserable with her. She sound bipolar. You are just a convenience for her - how has she improved your life? If you marry her and start having children, is she still going to be dumping you and getting back together all the time? How does this sound stable? Children and marriage need stability. You bending over backwards for her is not going to improve the situation. My advice: Get her into counselling and take a step back. (Huge step back). Brace yourself for the inevitable - "don't leave me". It is just part of her dysfunction - if she is diagnosed as bipolar. Unfortunately it does NOT mean she loves you. If she loves you - she will treat you in a loving manner. Which is the same standard that you would want your children treated - ie why should you take the train when you have an early class? She sounds like a princess without a castle. That doesn't sound like marriage-partnership material to me. Marriage is give 90% and take 10%. And if you are lucky - both will feel it is 50/50.
Author crazy4you Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 You're right about the princess without a castle thing.. I mean literally, she wants to be treated like a princess. If I ever say the wrong thing, she insults me and tells me I'm not a good bf. She constantly tells me I'm not romantic and I don't do enough. She has a serious anger issue when it comes to me doing ANYTHING without her. Last summer I went to the beach for a few days with just my immediate family (parents and sister) and she dumped me so I was miserable the entire time and when I got back into town she came back to me. I don't get it.. why can't I do anything without her? What's with the seperation anxiety? She wants me to propose ASAP and even told me if I don't do it by her 19th birthday that we're through. And I've gotta be honest with you I can't do it, not yet. I'm not ready for that. As for the counseling thing. I think she has seen a counselor in the past. I don't know specifically what her issues are but her family is not nice to her. She gets beat sometimes by her parents or brother and they wouldn't want her to go to a therapist. I'm not sure how I could personally set her up with one I don't live anywhere near her while I'm at school but I do see her on the weekends. Anyway.. I just don't know what to do. This whole thing is a trainwreck. Tonight she pretty much complained to me through text for about 5 hours because apparently I'm not making a big enough effort to contact her through texts. I was in class all day and I couldn't text her every waking moment, yet she's angry over that. And one of the reasons I don't text her as often is because I feel burned out by everything. Either I'm always with her/in contact with her, or I'm being chewed out for not being with her or in contact with her. I just need some space sometimes and she gets mad over it. She insists that I'm not trying hard enough. As for marriage, it's not something I see in my immediate future. I'm just not ready. I want to finish college first and ensure I get a decent job and a decent place to live and get situated before I make a move. And honestly, the thought of marrying this high maintenance girl is kind of frightening to me. I've already dropped every single friend I have because I spend 99% of my free time with her, being married to her would be disasterous. I would have no life anymore, I would never do anything I wanted to. Help.. I need advice fast. I'm considering going to see her tomorrow just because it's an important day and I want to show that I can be there when I can.. but somehow I don't think that will fix our problems. I think I'm gonna be broken up before the end of the month and I'm not sure how to handle it.
daisydo Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 to be blunt: you need to get rid of this toxic person immediately. the longer you are with her, the more damage she is doing to you. what she is asking of you is completely unreasonable. she clearly has no grasp whatsoever on what a healthy relationship entails. it seems to me as if she has a very large psychological void and she is attempting to use you to fill that void. any problem in her life is immediately dumped on to you. any slight inconvenience she experiences has nothing to her with her own shortcomings and immaturity, but with you. you are not designed to fix her life, you are not a scapegoat for her psychological deficits. extricate yourself from this relationship immediately. she is a codependent. if you go up to see her, you need to end things quickly and rationally. do not let her drag you down into a spiral of despair for hours. do not let her manipulate you if she cries, begs, pleads. end it immediately. do not speak to her again.
Author crazy4you Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 I agree with you on that what she's asking me is completely unreasonable and she has no grasp on what a healthy relationship is, but somehow I can never find the right words to explain that to her. When we get into an argument it usually ends with her being extremely mad at me and me being hurt emotionally. She just doesn't get it. What do I tell her?
daisydo Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I agree with you on that what she's asking me is completely unreasonable and she has no grasp on what a healthy relationship is, but somehow I can never find the right words to explain that to her. When we get into an argument it usually ends with her being extremely mad at me and me being hurt emotionally. She just doesn't get it. What do I tell her? there is no way to explain it to her. she is so far removed from reality that anything you say will go straight over her head. you said it yourself: "she just doesn't get it." you need to plainly state your case. something like, "i can't live like this. what you ask from me is completely unreasonable. i need to time and attention for myself and so i am sorry but this isn't working out anymore and our relationship is ending now." it's brief, polite and to the point. after this - you need to LEAVE immediately. do not fall for her theatrics (which i am 100% positive she will pull). do not respond to her emails, texts, phone calls, fb messages, anything. it may seem very harsh, but there is just no having a normal, mature conversation with someone like you have described. best of luck.
Author crazy4you Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 I understand that, it's just that being with her for such a long time has made it very difficult to just walk away. We have a deep understanding of eachother that I don't think anyone else has and I can't just tell her something as simple as "sorry it's not working out, see ya." I'd need to explain it to her, to make her understand that this is the right decision for us. I'd feel like an utter jerk doing it, but if I had some concrete thing to hold onto, something to use to explain to her what I'm doing, then it'd be a lot easier on me. As for the theatrics, I know exactly what she'll pull. It goes 2 ways: 1. If she's the one doing the breakup, she'll start by being angry and completely tearing me apart and being overly aggressive and mean. I'll end up feeling like crap for a few days, then she'll start texting me acting all depressed and slowly she'll make it seem as if she's the victim. If I don't fall for it, she'll result to threatening something like cutting herself. I once got a text from her saying "do you know why I cut myself?" It was right after she dumped me (like 20-25 min after). I freaked out and rushed over there and she cried and made herself look like the victim and like I wronged her in some way. And do you know why she cried and broke up with me and cut herself? Because I didn't want to sleep over her house that night. She had asked me to and I said no. Mainly because I'm not comfortable sleeping on the couch in her living room.. I'm not comfortable knowing that her parents are gonna wander into the livingroom in the morning and find some guy sleeping on the couch. It's awkward and not comfortable and I never get any sleep doing so (I've slept over before). So I simply said no (in a very kind way) and she dumped me. She just doesn't understand how to let something go, it's either her way or the highway. 2. If I'm the one doing the breaking up, I think it'll skip right to the theatrics, right to the acting like the victim. She knows how to twist my words around and make it seem like I'm being unreasonable. If I try to leave her she'll threaten and do all kinds of things. She'll try and go to the next guy she finds just to hurt me. She did this once with my former best friend. She ended up having sex with one of her (female) friends in front of him. I never spoke to him again, but I did take her back after some time of her acting like the victim. I totally caved in.. Needless to say, the point is, I just can't walk away without feeling like the worse person in the world by doing so. I need to be able to state my case. I know it's weird to think of it that way, but that's the only way that I can personally do this and still have my dignity in the end. Please please offer me some advice, some choice words. What can I say about the whole marriage thing? What can I say about how she treats me? About how I'm just not feeling loved anymore and feel like I'm a caged bird. How do I tell her that whenever I'm not constantly texting her, it's because I just need some space and that she's wrong to just completely blow up on me because I didn't text her back within a minute of receiving it? Please help! I'm seeing her tomorrow, I need some insight on how to be clearheaded and to say the right thing. I need inspiration.
Author crazy4you Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Please anyone? I need some help by tomorrow. Something bad's probably going to happen and I'm just not sure how to handle it.
Boundary Problem Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 What can I say about the whole marriage thing? What can I say about how she treats me? About how I'm just not feeling loved anymore and feel like I'm a caged bird. How do I tell her that whenever I'm not constantly texting her, it's because I just need some space and that she's wrong to just completely blow up on me because I didn't text her back within a minute of receiving it? Just do what you want. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. Don't get married.
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