Agent_99 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Thank you everyone again. I know I am obsessing etc. I need to stop focusing on him. I have been hanging out with my friends more. Dinners etc. Doing social things that I really haven't done in awhile. I want my life, my happiness, and sanity back. I do wish MM the best, and ready to step away and keep away. This is not healthy in anyway shape or form. I know we can never be friends, and don't need to be friends. I can't control him but I can control myself. I will keep ignoring him and continue forward. big hugs Alg! This guy is off his rocker from the counds of it. You on the other hand sound like your dealing just fine. Yes of course it hurts, but from your first post on this topic to this last one, you have slowly gotten stronger in your stance to stay NC and for it to be OVER.
Author alg24 Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Thank you everyone. I keep thinking about him... I am slightly depressed... I don't want to be back with him but this hurt and pain, I just wish it could go away. I am sleeping better at night but just in a slump.. He is 100% off his rocker, and I am lucky he is not in my life. I knew it needed to end, but how it ended sucks. Does not matter. Thank you everyone. I will NOT break NC- today I really have no reason to bump into him.. I have been changing up my schedule and trying to avoiding running into him/driving by him at all costs. Its difficult in a small town.
fooled once Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Thank you everyone. I keep thinking about him... I am slightly depressed... I don't want to be back with him but this hurt and pain, I just wish it could go away. I am sleeping better at night but just in a slump.. He is 100% off his rocker, and I am lucky he is not in my life. I knew it needed to end, but how it ended sucks. Does not matter. Thank you everyone. I will NOT break NC- today I really have no reason to bump into him.. I have been changing up my schedule and trying to avoiding running into him/driving by him at all costs. Its difficult in a small town. Re-read what I bolded. If needed, put a post it saying that on your bathroom mirror each day to remind you that you are better off without him. Soon, this will end....he will realize that all his nasty things he says and does will NOT bring you running back like before. He is alienating everyone in his life .... even his children will soon be affected by his psychotic behavior. Hopefully, his soon to be ex wife will keep them protected from him. Continue to do the things you normally do -- and start doing things you have always wanted to do. Get out there and ENJOY the life you have been given. Rejoice and be happy to be alive. Do not ride your horses by his barn -- go in the opposite direction. Don't let him suck you back into his drama. It was very nice of his soon to be ex wife to call you and check on you. She sees how easily manipulated you were by him and she wants you to be safe. Be thankful that you are away from him. Be thankful for your new roomie and that she is there to support you. Come here and get support and encouragement. In time, the pain will lessen. I promise ((hug)) Glad you are doing well. Keep it up!!!
SuburbanOblivion Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Thinking of you tonight and hope you are doing well. Stay strong, you are far better off without this psycho in your life!
Author alg24 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Thank you everyone! The support, wisdom, advice, etc. has been amazing! I have been thinking about him a lot, but I refuse to talk about him as much, and I am actually going to a local nightclub tonight with my friends. I am reclaiming my life and going out. Every night I am doing things, having fun- its nice not feeling like a caged animal. Things will be a lot better when he is gone is 3 months, and we are in different towns but for now I am making sure I am keeping away. I have changed my schedule around when it comes to dealing with the barn, luckily haven't seen him in two days... Fooled once you have been so amazing. THANK YOU I wrote a list about all the negative things... Its by my nightstand. Thank you everyone. It hurts, but I know its for the best. I remember last year the first time we/he broke things off due to a bad fight... I panicked, I was pathetic and begged... NOW I really don't look at my phone... I don't want to be back with him. I wish the pain would go away. I know I am better off. Thank you thank you.
fooled once Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Hello Alg!! Checking on you!!! What did you do last night? How are you feeling today? If you get a chance, pop over to Imissthekiss's thread and help her out -- she is going through a lot of what you are going through and I think your experience could help her!! ((hug))
Author alg24 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Hey FO! Thank- you! How are you? I did go out last night... Had a couple drinks (Was not looking to get drunk) danced with my best friend, talked to friends, had a good time... Today went to breakfast with friends, continued my day, etc. I had a moment around 5pm where I really missed him... I decided to go see my horse and have some alone time... While I was driving down the small road to get to the barn MM was pulling out of his barn. I couldn't do anything, so I just drove by and looked forward. Our eyes meet sorta, but he just continued-- did not flick me off. Its hard but I know the situation is beyond unhealthy and toxic. I am keeping away. Living in a small town I will sometimes run into him, but I am trying to make sure thats very limited. I will not call/text him. I am 100% leaving him alone. I will deff. check that thread out. Your so amazing FO!
fooled once Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 You are doing GREAT!!! I hope you know that. You are staying strong, your confidence is coming back and you are seeing what a totally toxic person he is. Each day, you are getting more self esteem, you are respecting yourself more and you are realizing that each day without him, is a better, brighter happier day. I also like that you aren't going out to get drunk. You aren't substituting one addiction for another. YOU GO GIRL!! I am so proud of you!!! Continue to stay strong!!
Author alg24 Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Thank you. Its very tough, but I am trying to stay strong. Last night I have zero desire to get drunk. Did not even get tipsy. The one thing that MM taught me was that I do want to feel love and not be casual. Even though he and I did not have "love" I did have feelings of "love" for him. After feeling that way for someone I am not looking to go out, get wasted, and be casual with whoever. Make sense? I know that he did not love me, and what we had was not love. It was toxic, out of control, and no where near normal... I do still think about him all the time... It does hurt... I realize and know its for the best.. Coming from different backgrounds, the age difference, etc. it would have never worked even if the craziness and affair where not present. But regardless this man, this situation was not a good one. Feeling the pain is only human... Still words... But slowly sinking in. Even when I cry, wake up thinking about him, and have my moments I will not cave--I will not call, will not text, will not go to his barn/place of work. Even if he did call (And I don't foresee the happening) I know I cannot answer. Speaking to him will derail everything. For the next three months living in this small town I need to keep away as best as possible. When we do run into each other I can only control myself... Well 1 week and a couple days of NC... (I did stupidly send that text days ago as a had mentioned-- does not count =)) and keeping strong!
fooled once Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Thank you. Its very tough, but I am trying to stay strong. Last night I have zero desire to get drunk. Did not even get tipsy. The one thing that MM taught me was that I do want to feel love and not be casual. Even though he and I did not have "love" I did have feelings of "love" for him. After feeling that way for someone I am not looking to go out, get wasted, and be casual with whoever. Make sense? I know that he did not love me, and what we had was not love. It was toxic, out of control, and no where near normal... I do still think about him all the time... It does hurt... I realize and know its for the best.. Coming from different backgrounds, the age difference, etc. it would have never worked even if the craziness and affair where not present. But regardless this man, this situation was not a good one. Feeling the pain is only human... Still words... But slowly sinking in. Even when I cry, wake up thinking about him, and have my moments I will not cave--I will not call, will not text, will not go to his barn/place of work. Even if he did call (And I don't foresee the happening) I know I cannot answer. Speaking to him will derail everything. For the next three months living in this small town I need to keep away as best as possible. When we do run into each other I can only control myself... Well 1 week and a couple days of NC... (I did stupidly send that text days ago as a had mentioned-- does not count =)) and keeping strong! You are doing well. Keep it up. Feel the pain, grieve the loss, and keep telling yourself how much stronger you will be from all this. One step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. You are doing good. Don't push yourself too much and don't think any further ahead than the next day. Yeah Alg Yeah Alg! SOO proud of you!!
Hazyhead Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Thank you. Its very tough, but I am trying to stay strong. Last night I have zero desire to get drunk. Did not even get tipsy. The one thing that MM taught me was that I do want to feel love and not be casual. Even though he and I did not have "love" I did have feelings of "love" for him. After feeling that way for someone I am not looking to go out, get wasted, and be casual with whoever. Make sense? I know that he did not love me, and what we had was not love. It was toxic, out of control, and no where near normal... I do still think about him all the time... It does hurt... I realize and know its for the best.. Coming from different backgrounds, the age difference, etc. it would have never worked even if the craziness and affair where not present. But regardless this man, this situation was not a good one. Feeling the pain is only human... Still words... But slowly sinking in. Even when I cry, wake up thinking about him, and have my moments I will not cave--I will not call, will not text, will not go to his barn/place of work. Even if he did call (And I don't foresee the happening) I know I cannot answer. Speaking to him will derail everything. For the next three months living in this small town I need to keep away as best as possible. When we do run into each other I can only control myself... Well 1 week and a couple days of NC... (I did stupidly send that text days ago as a had mentioned-- does not count =)) and keeping strong! Fantastic Alg :)
Author alg24 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Hey FO- Tail between my legs... I broke today... Had some very bad news, saw him in passing, had a panic attack-- called him a left a voicemail around 9AM. I did NOT say I want to get back together, but I told him this hurts a lot. How he views me etc. When things are going horrible I always have him to fall back on and he is not in my life anymore and I am in a great deal of pain. BIG BIG BIG mistake I know. Afterwards I texted him and said sorry I contacted you. It was out of line and won't happen again. Said a couple other things. Also mentioned please don't contact my friends about this. I ended it saying have a great season/safe summer. Take care. Bad me I know. I could kill myself. Around 7:30PM he texted my older friend and said something along the lines of please call me I need to talk to you. I think she texted him back and was firm in telling him to leave her alone. I know what I did was so beyond stupid. I wasn't looking to go back with him. I wasn't looking to see him. I guess I wanted his safe and familiar voice which I will never get again. Ugh, I feel so stupid. And the rejection on top of it. How do I stop hurting??
Author alg24 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I know what I did was very wrong. I don't want to get back with him. There was no future there even if he was this great guy, which he is clearly not. It just hurts and there is no way around it. I know I need to grieve, cry, whatever but don't contact. Clearly he does not even want to be contacted. But the pain is so intense.
Author alg24 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 I feel like a stupid idiot for calling/texting yesterday. The last 1 1/2 weeks thrown out the window. Right now its 8:20AM, I have been crying since 7AM. It hurts so bad. Don't worry I won't call/text him. I actually called the family shrink from up north and said I need to have a phone session asap and we need to find someone where I live. I just don't understand this pain. When I was with MM I wasn't 100% happy. But yet I was happier with him than without him. I think what hurts the most, and I am only being honest, is that he is done with me. He does not want to speak to me/call me. If I got a missed call, I would not call back (its not a game for me) but it would show me I am on his mind, he ''cares.'' I feel like garbage taken outside. Well thrown outside. He blames me for everything. I keep thinking what if he did not find that cell phone? Would he continue USING me for a place to sleep and sex? I don't want to be with someone who uses me. I am a attractive young girl that comes from a great background and he is this poor (sorry, but true) horse groomer that didn't even finish high school (and wait Spanish is his first language-- his English is okay, but he can barely spell) And truthfully his looks aren't that amazing either. Plus he is a lot shorter than me... (Sorry venting) It just hurts. I miss coming home to him. Even with my roommate here its not that same. I miss his smell. I'm just a mess FO... I never have ever gone through any sort of break-up and it just hurts. It truly hurts. I sleep at night, but I wake up and look for him. And I just miss him.
JoyDevine Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 It just hurts. I miss coming home to him. Even with my roommate here its not that same. I miss his smell. I'm just a mess FO... I never have ever gone through any sort of break-up and it just hurts. It truly hurts. I sleep at night, but I wake up and look for him. And I just miss him. I posted this in another thread. It's from a book called Getting to I Do by Pat Allen Quote: To be obsessed with an unavailable man is to be permanently "safe" from receiving an available man's love. It is the "Ghostly Lover" who keeps us mesmerized with the fantasy of perfection at the cost of reality. If you are in the midst of such an obsession and want to end it, you must not taste, touch, smell, see, or hear him for at least two years.... email... text... call... etc... there's no way you can move?? Get away?? I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been heartbroken and the only thing that worked was time and not seeing the person. It just faded eventually. (although to be honest, this guy sounds like a jackass (flipping you off??!) so it seems like that would speed the healing along.)
Author alg24 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Posted February 3, 2010 Thank you. We both live in the same small seasonal town for the next 3 months. He leaves in 3 months, I leave in 4... Both in horses and our barns are practically across from each other. Its very hard to avoid him... Driving down the road 2-3 times a week I am likely to see him. I try at all costs to avoid him. I hate him but in the same aspect I am in a lot of pain and miss him. Its just so difficult. Luckily he does not know how to use a computer-- so no emailing, facebook, etc.
fooled once Posted February 3, 2010 Posted February 3, 2010 Oh crap Alg ((((HUG))))) I am not going to beat you up. BUT, I have to get through your thick skull that he isn't someone to lean you. Not only did you call him, you followed it up with a bunch of texts!!! Bad, bad Alg ((hug)) Just like a drug user has to stop turning to drugs, even in hard times, you have to stop turning to him. I only had a second, but wanted to pop on quick. I will write you more later.
fooled once Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Okay -- I'm back Back to what I was saying....you have got to learn other coping skills than that jerk. He blames me for everything. I keep thinking what if he did not find that cell phone? Would he continue USING me for a place to sleep and sex? I don't want to be with someone who uses me. I am a attractive young girl that comes from a great background and he is this poor (sorry, but true) horse groomer that didn't even finish high school (and wait Spanish is his first language-- his English is okay, but he can barely spell) And truthfully his looks aren't that amazing either. Plus he is a lot shorter than me... (Sorry venting) It just hurts. Okay missy --- once again, you are worried about how he feels about you. So what if he blames you? Why are you worried about HIS opinion of you? He isn't someone who treated you very nicely. He isn't someone who learns to think of others besides himself. Stop caring what he thinks of you...his opinion doesn't matter at ALL. Now for this.... (below) I miss coming home to him. Even with my roommate here its not that same. I miss his smell. I'm just a mess FO... I never have ever gone through any sort of break-up and it just hurts. It truly hurts. I sleep at night, but I wake up and look for him. And I just miss him There -- you said it out loud. You miss him. That is normal. Honey, you haven't gone through anything like this before because it isn't like anything. Plus, you are SOOO young (I am old enough to be your mom ... almost ) You will have so many more relationships - some good, some bad. Some might hurt, some many not. This hurts because of all the damage he did to you emotionally. But I PROMISE you --- if you stick to NC, it will get better. You WILL heal. You will one day look back and know that this wasn't love. No other relationship will do the kind of damage that this has done to you. Let yourself grieve and miss who you thought he was. Just know that normal relationships won't hurt you in a damaging way. Please don't reach out to him anymore -- please. No more texts, no more calls, no doing by 'just to catch a glimpse of him'. None of that. Be true to YOU. Be true to the woman you are turning into. Don't rush yourself to heal, but start the journey to true healing. Placing that call to the counselor was a good start. ((hug))
Author alg24 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Posted February 4, 2010 Your the best FO I just got a text from him... Pretending to be someone else? On verizon phone "Not text anymore (MM) thank you" I won't lie I texted back and said some pretty point blank things. Not cursing, but your a bad person. How do you look in the mirror. Sorry, but at least I am being honest about what I did... Not the smartest move. Anyway, talked to the shrink today over the phone. He said I need to embrace this pain. Not fight it. I have been trying to avoid it for to long, and thats why I kept going with MM. This "relationship" is beyond horrific for me. But I need to allow myself to heal. No way around the pain...
fooled once Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Your the best FO I just got a text from him... Pretending to be someone else? On verizon phone "Not text anymore (MM) thank you" I won't lie I texted back and said some pretty point blank things. Not cursing, but your a bad person. How do you look in the mirror. Sorry, but at least I am being honest about what I did... Not the smartest move. Anyway, talked to the shrink today over the phone. He said I need to embrace this pain. Not fight it. I have been trying to avoid it for to long, and thats why I kept going with MM. This "relationship" is beyond horrific for me. But I need to allow myself to heal. No way around the pain... I think I am going to have to come take your phone away from you!!! WHY are you replying to these games???? Honey, stop. Stop trying to get a reaction from him. Stop, stop, stop! Are you hearing me? New rule -- each time you pick up your phone to do something like this, I want you to think to yourself "What would FO do" or "What would FO say". I want you to think or at the very least - wait 30 minutes before responding because maybe by then you will realize he isn't worth it. Your therapist is right -- you have to FEEL the pain in order to heal from it. Cry, stream, yell, write (but don't send) an email to him to get it out of you. But no more contacting him!!! ((((hug))))) I am thinking of you!!
Samantha0905 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Oh crap Alg ((((HUG))))) I am not going to beat you up. BUT, I have to get through your thick skull that he isn't someone to lean you. Not only did you call him, you followed it up with a bunch of texts!!! Bad, bad Alg ((hug)) Just like a drug user has to stop turning to drugs, even in hard times, you have to stop turning to him. I only had a second, but wanted to pop on quick. I will write you more later. It is like a bad addiction. I know it's difficult, but listen to fooledonce. Try not to think of it in terms of forever. Take it day by day and each day make it through the day not contacting him. Soon, enough time will pass where you will start being stronger. Eventually, you'll get to where you need to be.
Author alg24 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Thank- you FO. Your beyond a huge support, and what you tell me truly has been helping. I have been leaving my phone behind a lot... Hey thats how all of this happened! (Leaving my phone how because I didn't want to be tempted to text/call and he came over, used a old key and then found my phone! Then read through my text messages then finding out I had contact with W) But seriously, haven't been having my cell phone by my side as much... Right now its almost 11PM, just got home and my phone is in the car-- don't need it... Good thing is I don't expect him to call. I don't look at my phone thinking has he called... Nope.. But I just need to embrace this pain, and accept that its going to hurt, no way around it-- thats why I always kept going back to him. Because it hurt.. And it hurt LESS when we were together. Now I just need to go through the pain... Allow it. It sucks but what am I going to do? But I won't text/call... Said everything yesterday via text as I said... When I drove by him the other day he looked at me, but with a blank expression. I know it does not matter what MM is thinking. But I think he is 100% finished with me. I crossed a line that cannot be fixed. Which is a blessing in disguise. This would help. Shrink did mention that its important for me to be done with him because A) Does NOT matter what MM thinks. B)Its done because I want it done and D) Be careful because he does not think it could be done for him-- in a month or so he could come crawling back... (I disagree) Friends say that my MM loved the drama. Feds on it. Yes we had so crazy out of control drama/fights-- the 1st one of those should have ended us.. But we kept going... Which provides how crazy we both were. I kept trying to fix it, thinking I could make it better... I view everything as honest (does that make sense) When someone says they are done, okay they are done. When someone says they are tired of the fighting, they are tired of the fighting. When he came back, after fighting a lot with me long distance during the summer, he told me how tired he was of the fighting (not me, but fighting with me) So I think this just sealed the deal with what happened 2 weeks ago. So yea... But him hating me is the best thing- I know that. FO you are the BESTTTT Ever seen a situation like this?
Author alg24 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Thank- you FO. Your beyond a huge support, and what you tell me truly has been helping. I have been leaving my phone behind a lot... Hey thats how all of this happened! (Leaving my phone how because I didn't want to be tempted to text/call and he came over, used a old key and then found my phone! Then read through my text messages then finding out I had contact with W) But seriously, haven't been having my cell phone by my side as much... Right now its almost 11PM, just got home and my phone is in the car-- don't need it... Good thing is I don't expect him to call. I don't look at my phone thinking has he called... Nope.. But I just need to embrace this pain, and accept that its going to hurt, no way around it-- thats why I always kept going back to him. Because it hurt.. And it hurt LESS when we were together. Now I just need to go through the pain... Allow it. It sucks but what am I going to do? But I won't text/call... Said everything yesterday via text as I said... When I drove by him the other day he looked at me, but with a blank expression. I know it does not matter what MM is thinking. But I think he is 100% finished with me. I crossed a line that cannot be fixed. Which is a blessing in disguise. This would help. Shrink did mention that its important for me to be done with him because A) Does NOT matter what MM thinks. B)Its done because I want it done and D) Be careful because he does not think it could be done for him-- in a month or so he could come crawling back... (I disagree) Friends say that my MM loved the drama. Feds on it. Yes we had so crazy out of control drama/fights-- the 1st one of those should have ended us.. But we kept going... Which provides how crazy we both were. I kept trying to fix it, thinking I could make it better... I view everything as honest (does that make sense) When someone says they are done, okay they are done. When someone says they are tired of the fighting, they are tired of the fighting. When he came back, after fighting a lot with me long distance during the summer, he told me how tired he was of the fighting (not me, but fighting with me) So I think this just sealed the deal with what happened 2 weeks ago. So yea... But him hating me is the best thing- I know that. FO you are the BESTTTT Ever seen a situation like this?
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 The last 1 1/2 weeks thrown out the window. No, don't think that way. That's your foundation..You can just pick yourself back up again and continue. You had a blip that's all. You feel like crap and now know any contact, conversations, emails, texts is just going to mess you up, so this is for the best. Your T is right. Instead of being scared of your emotions, and pain, heartache, embrace it. Let it just happen. It's part of your grieving process, to really let go...Cry it out and keep crying until no tears are left. JUST make sure you laugh everyday about something! Laughter helps. Sorry you're hurting, things will get better as time goes on. Cliche, yes, but it's true. Oh, continue making a list of all the things you hate about him, make it as negative as you can and focus on that stuff instead of remembering, missing him.
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