Are relationships meant to last?

[Nikki Sahagin]

After a break-up, I think you tend to re-evaluate many of your own ideas and beliefs about the nature of love and relationships.

 

I'm honestly wondering several things which may be controversial.

Mainly i'm wondering; are relationships in themselves natural? Monogamous relationships? We all want someone to be monogamous to us, but we normally do not 100% of the time want to be monogamous. The majority of lies, deceits, arguments, fall-outs and of course cheating occur because people force themselves to adher to this peculiar rule, this peculiar concept of fidelity, which is really only an invention of pride and ego; we all want to be special and we all want to be somebodies number one. I think there was a psychological study that proposed the idea that romantic adult relationships stem from people wanting to recreate the mother/child, all-consuming love they experienced as a baby, but of course, no-one else can love you like a parent. The parent/child love is really the only unconditional love and even then, thats not always the case. Many people have dysfunctional and abusive relationships with their parents.

 

I loved my ex with all my heart and I don't think I ever could have cheated on him but did I occassionally feel temptation or that the grass was greener? Yes. So there seems to be the agony of not wanting to lose someone but also sometimes feeling constrained by the 'rules' of relationships and then fearing that because you've been tempted or bored or unhappy, that your partner must feel the same. Then theres the worst of it all; that you either risk the relationship to explore what you don't know and lose them forever or you stay in the relationship and quietly resent the person for all the 'lost experiences' you may or may not have chosen to persue without them.

 

Now I know there are many amazing positives to relationships and what I feel may not be felt by many of you, but I think relationships, although wonderful, are often to a point very false. You love someone, but sometimes you don't like them...you even hate them, but you work through that, they don't give you certain things you want...but you work through that...etc...I know its all about sacrifice and compromise but it seems usually one person must always sacrifice or compromise more, in whatever way you see it:

 

The wife sacrifices her career and ambitions to stay home.

The husband sacrifices his desire/interests in other women.

I don't know - whatever you see as a 'sacrrifice'.

 

I don't see many examples of positive relationships around me. I know they exist. But i'm not sure i'd be happy in one of these relationships. I think the most passionate and intense relationships are always bound to self-destrust. The ones that mellow and become content often lead to one or both partners secretly going mad with domesticity and developing a mid-life crisis.

 

I think society puts a lot of stock on having a relationship or marriage or kids and so everyone gets into them thinking this is what needs to be done. But how many people are in relationships because they think they should be? Or because they are lonely? Or scared? How many relationships are actually REAL where both people WANT to be there? I'm sure there are a lot, but I think there are more where this isn't the case (and perhaps thats a jaded view given my own circumstances).

 

I sometimes think I would be happy being on my own with just my friends and some pets or something, because I don't know that my idea of 'the perfect relationship' is real and I don't want to grow more and more disapointed trying to find it. I feel like the fairytales I was fed about Prince Charmings and heroes are really a load of BS and it doesn't transcend into reality at all. I do love the idea of a relationship but I don't think I can actually be in one. I have too many 'issues', i'm too selfish, I want to do too much, I don't trust and I don't know that they can last.

 

What do you feel about relationships?

 

Can they last?

Is monogamy a false concept?

Are relationships a false concept?

Can you be happy without a relationship?

What did you feel about relationships before your breakup and after?

[threebyfate]

What do you feel about relationships?

Love them and find them to be far more fulfilling, than just dating around.

 

Can they last?

My belief and also experience with couples in real life, is that yes, they can last.

 

Is monogamy a false concept?

Monogamy is only false, if you're not a monogamous individual.

 

Are relationships a false concept?

Not in my opinion.

 

Can you be happy without a relationship?

Yes you can be happy without a relationship, albeit a relationship makes life even more fulfilling, as long as it's a healthy relationship, rather than a drama-coaster.

 

What did you feel about relationships before your breakup and after?

After having gone through six LTRs, including two marriages and a number of STRs, my feelings before, during and after each scenario were different. The one relationship that floored me in a negative way, was my first marriage. The one relationship that's floored me in a positive way, is my second marriage.

[kyta]

i think they can last, but takes a special couple to make it work, and its not always good, i think a lot of long terms are more habit,

 

yes manogamy is false, by nature true course are basic insticnt is to breed and as many times as we can with as many diffrent people as we can, so the strong will survive.

 

relationships are not a false concept,they are real in every word of the term, there are many different types of relationships,

 

Yes you can be happy without a relationship, you can be very happy,

[DenverBachelor]

All relationships that you have in your life will end in some form or another -- whether by internal inclination by one of the people within the relationship or time itself sneaking up and taking someone you love away from you.

 

The more important question is, "why do we share in relationships and what did I get out of each one?"

 

If you live life as if each day was your last (and I mean REALLY living this way and not just reading a cliche and rolling your eyes) then you will understand that we inject a lot of order into an otherwise chaotic existence. We "have" to do it, because we're constantly trying to string together meaning so that we feel that we've lived a meaningful existence.

 

You can't dwell on the past, but you can't deny or escape it, either. You have to integrate it into who you are as a person -- because all we ever will be is a culmination of things past while wondering with hope into the future.

[Woggle]

Happy relationships are like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. They are nice concepts and it feels good to believe in them but they are a bunch of bs fed to us to make us feel better. In reality few people are really happy in love especially women.

[USMCHokie]

My current stance on this topic is similar to Denver Bachelor's...

 

You never know whether a relationship was meant to last until: (1) the relationship ends; or (2) you kick the bucket.

 

Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are just stepping stones in your life. Some last longer, and some don't. You really can't count on any relationship to last a specific time. You just have to live each relationship in the present and enjoy it for what it is.

 

If a relationship ends, you take from it what you can and bring that experience to the next one. Each relationship has its place in the continuum that is your life, and each will serve its purpose in bringing joy to your life.

[XKatieX]

My question is if a relationship DOES indeed last, will those two people be truly happy with that person forever?

 

I wonder about this, because I've seen it. My parents have been married for 26 years, dated 15 years before they got married. My parents hardly ever fight, and when they do they usually always work it out. They seem to mostly agree on things, and give in to the other when they might not. But the thing is they aren't very affectionate anymore, they hardly ever touch each other. They live in the same house, but are always in separate rooms. I know that relationships change over time. Do all relationships eventually get to this point, where there ends up being no affection or attention involved?

[sunrae]

I know that relationships change over time. Do all relationships eventually get to this point, where there ends up being no affection or attention involved?

 

I think all reationships change over time, but so do the people involved. Just depends on if you grow apart or grow together in the relationship.

 

One of my best friends has a great marriage, but she will also be the first to say it's not easy. But they love each other enough, that walking out is never an option..

 

My parents have been married 38 years, they do a lot of stuff seperatly and together. They never lost who they were and they share their different experiances, when they are apart. My dad goes camping, plays golf ect. My mom goes out to movies and dinners with her friends. Now they are both retired and adabting to this new phase of thier life. My mom says my dad drives her crazy sometimes and she'll come meet me for lunch to get out of the house for a bit.

 

I guess it just depends on how the couple grows and adapts to lifes changes as to if you can make it work and if it's worth enought ot both of you to make it work.

[Ilovecake]

I read an interesting book a few years a go called The History of the Wife. It's a historical account of the evolution and devolution of marriage. It talks about how there were very specific reasons why two people married and those reasons were mostly economical. It was strictly a means of combining the wealth and land of two families. Getting married for love is actually a very modern concept and not very effectual. We try to combine the fleeting feeling of love with the old fashioned concepts of shelter, security, protection and support. That’s asking a lot of someone who's really just a stranger.

[Lizzie60]

Interesting thread...

 

I personally don't believe in monogamy on a long-term basis.. sure people can be monogamous for a couple of years.. even up to 10-15 years... but IMO that's the top...

 

Like I've said before.. I also believe that women can be much more faithful than men.. for many reasons.. it's our maternal 'instinct' I think..

 

For those who still believe in monogamy and use the examples of 'old couples'... of course.. that was in another era.. another generation...

the concept of M was a lot different back then... so yes.. we still see old couples that have been married for 40+ years... are they happy? not sure.. the oldest they are.. I guess the more 'happy' they are to have someone they can rely on.. (health-wise)...

 

Many people get M because they settle down... they are tired of being alone... of dating.. they want children... etc.. etc... we see that mostly in young people...

 

The older we get... the 'wiser' we get.. and we know that it's almost impossible anymore to be married 'till death do us part'.. this is a concept only young people still believe in..

 

 

What do you feel about relationships?

 

I have, at this moment, no desire to be in a relationship... btdt... but of course.. I'm older... I know they don't last.. so I don't want to make 'sacrifices' or compromises anymore.. I didn't think like that when I was younger.. I would swear.. like most young people that MY relationship would last forever... how naive..

 

Can they last?

 

Of course... for a couple of years... or if one of the spouse just 'endures' the other one's cheating.. abuse or 'whatever'..

 

Is monogamy a false concept?

 

Totally... now days.. it's a very archaic concept.. IMO..

 

Are relationships a false concept?

 

Not necessarily... but monogamy is..

 

Can you be happy without a relationship?

 

Of course.. but I think you need to experiment 'relationships' first.. it's the normal 'path' I think... When we get older I think it's easier to be by ourselves.. it's even better... IMO but some people want the 'assurance' of having someone to rely on.. in case they get sick..

 

What did you feel about relationships before your breakup and after?

 

I think we ALL feel the same way... it all depends on our 'stage' in life..

[Simon Attwood]

Nothing .... is meant to be.

[within2]

Yes, but its rare. Its rare because most people admit when they first meet someone they date because of physical attraction. That right there is the first reason why relationships fail. Most people begin dating and developing a relationship based on superficial reasons(looks,weight,race,money,status). Most of those things change with time. For many guys its usually based on sex,looks, sex and then personality. For many women, its security,money,personality and looks. I think for a relationship to last until old age both people have to initially be attracted to each other based on a strong emotional connection and be the type of people who do not change as people. You know, the ones who have a strong sense of self and innate goodness about them. We all know of the few people who will always be the same. They were the same as they were at 15, 25 and will be the same in their 80s. But that in itself is rare.

 

I'm unlike a lot of people. For me, I look for a strong emotional empathetic connection and a person who has a strong sense of self. I've only met one person in my life(I'm in my mid 20s) so far that I connected on that level with and I didn't even realize it at the time. He didnt look like "prince charming" and we had a 9 years age difference. He wasnt rich. We weren't the same race. But he had that something. Something real and unusual(in a good way). I know it'll happen again but I know that connection doesn't happen often.

 

Everyone else I've met, just lacked that. Its hard to explain. The guys I've dated I knew out the gate it won't last or if we do get together we will be just "okay" with each other but not be truly happy. With some of the guys, I knew if we had a future we'd eventually spend tons of money on marriage counseling trying to coexist with each other for the children and finances involved. I don't want that. What a waste of life and time.If something is real and organic, you don't have to work hard to make it work. It just works.

 

I think this goes the same for any relationship....even a strong friendship.

Edited January 26, 2010 by within2

[Lizzie60]

I think this goes the same for any relationship....even a strong friendship.

 

I have to disagree here.. I have 2 very strong relationship with my 2 best female friends...

 

with one .. our friendship is 54 years old... and still going on strong.. (we talk every day)... she's single..

 

with the other one... our friendship is 44 years old.. and still going on.. although I don't see her as much as the 1st one.. she's married..

 

True frienship never dies..

[within2]

I think this goes the same for any relationship....even a strong friendship.

 

I have to disagree here.. I have 2 very strong relationship with my 2 best female friends...

 

with one .. our friendship is 54 years old... and still going on strong.. (we talk every day)... she's single..

 

with the other one... our friendship is 44 years old.. and still going on.. although I don't see her as much as the 1st one.. she's married..

 

True frienship never dies..

 

I'm not sure what you are saying or disagreeing about? Maybe you misunderstood my post?

 

I think a key to any real long lasting relationship whether it be between a man and a woman or between two friends.... both people have to have a strong emotional connection.

Edited January 26, 2010 by within2

[Ilovecake]

 

True frienship never dies..

 

I have to disagree. My best friend and I were inseparable for 20 years; we were like two peas in a pod. We did everything together, we were like family, I even called her mother Mom. In the last year we started changing, developing different interests and grew apart; per her request I have not spoken to her since last May.

 

There are no guarantees when it comes to any relationship, even family.

[Lizzie60]

I agree that it's not always on a daily basis... sometimes people lose touch for months and even years in some instances due to many factors... but the feeling remains...

 

with both of them, we lost touch because we had our families, we moved, etc... but we know deep down that it's only temporary..

 

could be the same thing in your case.. unless something 'bad' happened between you..

[Ilovecake]

No, nothing bad happened. It's definitely not temporary though, she simply said we've changed and she no longer finds our friendship fulfilling and sees no reason for us to keep talking. This happened two months after my boyfriend dumped me, when I needed her most. I was absolutely stunned but what could I do, I didn’t want to shop every day and she didn’t want me in her life. I think that can happen in any relationship. I mean people change and grow, it’s inevitable. I think it’s the same reason many romantic relationships don’t last. Maybe the older we get the process of change and growth slows down but it doesn’t stop, if someone is no longer fulfilled by the person in their life it’s only fair to let hem go.

[within2]

ilovecake, what do you mean you didnt want to shop anymore?

[Lizzie60]

No, nothing bad happened. It's definitely not temporary though, she simply said we've changed and she no longer finds our friendship fulfilling and sees no reason for us to keep talking. This happened two months after my boyfriend dumped me, when I needed her most. I was absolutely stunned but what could I do, I didn’t want to shop every day and she didn’t want me in her life. I think that can happen in any relationship. I mean people change and grow, it’s inevitable. I think it’s the same reason many romantic relationships don’t last. Maybe the older we get the process of change and growth slows down but it doesn’t stop, if someone is no longer fulfilled by the person in their life it’s only fair to let hem go.

 

 

WOW.. in your case.. the friendship was a one-way thing.. she was probably a selfish woman..

[GrayClouds]

Interesting thread...

 

I personally don't believe in monogamy on a long-term basis.. sure people can be monogamous for a couple of years.. even up to 10-15 years... but IMO that's the top...

 

I hope you communcate this on the first date

 

Like I've said before.. I also believe that women can be much more faithful than men..

 

If you truly believe something you make it true.

 

For those who still believe in monogamy and use the examples of 'old couples'... of course.. that was in another era.. another generation...

the concept of M was a lot different back then... so yes.. we still see old couples that have been married for 40+ years... are they happy? not sure.. the oldest they are.. I guess the more 'happy' they are to have someone they can rely on.. (health-wise)...

 

Many people get M because they settle down... they are tired of being alone... of dating.. they want children... etc.. etc... we see that mostly in young people...

 

The older we get... the 'wiser' we get.. and we know that it's almost impossible anymore to be married 'till death do us part'.. this is a concept only young people still believe in..

IMO that is just a rationalization to justify behavior you prefer. That is not judgment on the behavior; if your not interested in a LTR that is ok but we are on less capable of being monogamous and married in 2009 as we were in 1950's. The only caveat I would add is people's willingness today, but again that has no comment on capability;

 

Mr. Byrne said it best "Same as it ever was, Same as it ever was."

 

Maybe I am are entering into the world of semantics, IMO what you speak of is not a relationship but a series of distractions. If your you can not believe a "relationship" can last, they inherently your looking for it to end as soon as it starts.

 

If you want a committed relationship you have to be willing to put the effort to make it last. Will it guarantee it to last, no, but unless you are putting in that effort you are guaranteeing it not to.

[ginyi1111]

Relationships are a choice. Monogamous relationships are a choice.

 

The reason why relationships(especially love) fail because people choose to be selfish instead of choosing to be loyal and stay to that one person. Relationships are broken because they claim they are no longer happy i.e. they wanna find someone new to excite them and make them feel brand new again.

 

If you look at our parents' era, marriage is not about whether they are 'happy' (unless one party is abusive) or 'in love', marriage is a commitment and responsibility. You stay with that person because when you made the choice to marry them you have given up the freedom to walk away from that person or to sleep with anyone you like, and you stand by your choice.

 

So monogamous relationships are possible, only if you choose to be. Instead of following your heart, you listen to your head.

[Ilovecake]

ilovecake, what do you mean you didnt want to shop anymore?

 

I just meant our interest changed. She got more into hanging out with her sister and shopping and getting her nails done and facials and stuff like that. That was very new for her, she was never into that stuff before and I definitely am not into it and never was. After a while that's all she wanted to do. I had other stuff I was into, I started making friends who did stuff I liked. I'm not mad at her or dislike her for it, it just wasn't stimulating for either of us anymore.

 

I would consider her a very true and dear friend for 20 years of my life. She was very important to me and I was to her. I don't think it's feasible to have a one sided friendship for over 20 years with someone and spend as much time together as we did. Like I said it doesn't matter what the reason is and who's at fault. I’m simply sticking to the topic of this discussion and that is ‘are relationships meant to last’. The point I'm trying to make is there are no guarantees when it comes to the people in your life. Nobody has to be there for you unconditionally, they are not obligated simply because you say so. There is always a chance, even if it's a minute one, that one day they'll be gone.

[Ilovecake]

Relationships are a choice. Monogamous relationships are a choice.

 

The reason why relationships(especially love) fail because people choose to be selfish instead of choosing to be loyal and stay to that one person. Relationships are broken because they claim they are no longer happy.

 

So choosing your own happiness over someone else’s makes you selfish? Doesn't everyone always say you have to love yourself above all else? How is that selfish?

[Lizzie60]

I hope you communcate this on the first date

 

 

 

If you truly believe something you make it true.

 

 

IMO that is just a rationalization to justify behavior you prefer. That is not judgment on the behavior; if your not interested in a LTR that is ok but we are on less capable of being monogamous and married in 2009 as we were in 1950's. The only caveat I would add is people's willingness today, but again that has no comment on capability;

 

Mr. Byrne said it best "Same as it ever was, Same as it ever was."

 

Maybe I am are entering into the world of semantics, IMO what you speak of is not a relationship but a series of distractions. If your you can not believe a "relationship" can last, they inherently your looking for it to end as soon as it starts.

 

If you want a committed relationship you have to be willing to put the effort to make it last. Will it guarantee it to last, no, but unless you are putting in that effort you are guaranteeing it not to.

 

That I do... when in relationships.. I never cheated.. and most probably never will..

[ginyi1111]

So choosing your own happiness over someone else’s makes you selfish? Doesn't everyone always say you have to love yourself above all else? How is that selfish?

 

You chose to be happy with that person when you started a relationship with them. Especially for marriages. Why do people cheat? Because they are getting bored with their spouses/partners. Doesnt that make them selfish?

 

My opinions are based on relationships that fail when one party decides to just get up and walk away. Of course they dont apply to breakups that happened due to cheating partners or being abused etc.