She's been caught cheating

[JB12345]

Hi Folks,

 

I have a tough one for you. I discovered in January of ’09 that my wife had been having an affair for the better part of 2008. To make a long story short, I discovered the EA then the PA. My discovery came at the tail end of their relationship when I confronted her and the OM. We have worked on our marriage for a year now and I believe her when she says the affair is over and that she has healed and moved on. And, truth be told, our marriage has the potential to be greater than it ever has been. The problem is that I have been through the emotional wringer with this thing. While she was having an affair, I was busy keeping a stream of income in the worst economy in living memory and was not as emotionally available as either of us would have liked. I have never strayed in any form or fashion and we have been together for 11 years and we have a child together. But there is a nagging pain in my gut most of the time due to this and I really can’t trust her. I am basically ambivalent about our relationship at this point.

 

We have talked about divorce. We did separate and I have to admit that I am handling it like a champ. I’m sleeping well, taking care of the house, the kid, the bills, etc and feeling pretty good about life in general. She wants to reconcile and a part of me does too to keep the family together, and I do care for her greatly as there is a lot of water under the bridge. I am just not “in love” with her anymore. She offered last night to let me go with a divorce settlement that would allow me to keep the house, pay no alimony and have partial custody of my child; basically everything I could ask for (long story, GA is an "at fault" state). She and I both cannot keep riding this emotional roller coaster. I know there are other fish in the sea and am actually excited about dating again. But I am having one heck of a hard time making this decision as she has been my partner in crime for literally both of our adult lives. I’m 31, she’s 29. What do y’all think?

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi Folks,

 

I have a tough one for you. I discovered in January of ’09 that my wife had been having an affair for the better part of 2008. To make a long story short, I discovered the EA then the PA. My discovery came at the tail end of their relationship when I confronted her and the OM. We have worked on our marriage for a year now and I believe her when she says the affair is over

 

so in that I assume that she is now an open book, you have access to her email, facebook, phone log...etc..etc? If not, you can't be certain its over.

 

 

and that she has healed and moved on.

 

SHE has healed? huh? you were the one betrayed, the real question is of YOUR emotional state, not hers. Whether or not she "heals" is secondary here.

 

 

And, truth be told, our marriage has the potential to be greater than it ever has been.

 

how when one of you is now a cheater?

 

not saying you can't recover, but how would it ever be greater? you will never forget what she did to you. So while I concede you can recover and move on, how is having the memory of her humping another man indicate that your marriage is better than before this knowledge?

 

I'm not saying any of this to rile you up, but forgive me, I think you are being way too forgiving and to quick to sweep it under the rug.

 

 

The problem is that I have been through the emotional wringer with this thing. While she was having an affair, I was busy keeping a stream of income in the worst economy in living memory and was not as emotionally available as either of us would have liked.

 

are you making excuses for her? I sure hope not.

 

so basically you are doing what you have to do to survive, especially in this economy, and the way she repays you is to wrap her legs around another man???

 

 

I have never strayed in any form or fashion and we have been together for 11 years and we have a child together. But there is a nagging pain in my gut most of the time due to this and I really can’t trust her.

 

yet you say you will have a better marriage? There is a reason you can't trust her...she isn't trustworthy. So how did the affair end? Did it end only because you caught her? Did she come clean and say she ended it?

 

 

I am basically ambivalent about our relationship at this point.

 

We have talked about divorce. We did separate and I have to admit that I am handling it like a champ. I’m sleeping well, taking care of the house, the kid, the bills, etc and feeling pretty good about life in general. She wants to reconcile and a part of me does too to keep the family together, and I do care for her greatly as there is a lot of water under the bridge. I am just not “in love” with her anymore.

 

ok, now I'm confused....where does the "our marriage has the potential to be greater than it ever has been" part come into play here?

 

 

 

She offered last night to let me go with a divorce settlement that would allow me to keep the house, pay no alimony and have partial custody of my child; basically everything I could ask for (long story, GA is an "at fault" state). She and I both cannot keep riding this emotional roller coaster. I know there are other fish in the sea and am actually excited about dating again. But I am having one heck of a hard time making this decision as she has been my partner in crime for literally both of our adult lives. I’m 31, she’s 29. What do y’all think?

 

well I dunno....I'm still wondering about you saying your marriage has the potential to be better than before, then its like you changed up?

 

Whats the real story here?

 

but if you really want to know what I think....you divorce her and live your life free from a cheating you know what? She wants to divorce, thats why she is trying to make it easy. That way if you divorce her, she can go off and boff whoever she wants while saying she isn't the one that wanted the divorce.

 

no matter what the reason, you'll never be at peace married to a "woman" like this.

[SleepingDog]

See the post I just put up on on the flashbacks in the main thread. This is where I was ten years ago. If I could go back in time I would tell my younger self to get the hell out of there while it was still possible.

[Samantha0905]

Hi Folks,

 

I have a tough one for you. I discovered in January of ’09 that my wife had been having an affair for the better part of 2008. To make a long story short, I discovered the EA then the PA. My discovery came at the tail end of their relationship when I confronted her and the OM. We have worked on our marriage for a year now and I believe her when she says the affair is over and that she has healed and moved on. And, truth be told, our marriage has the potential to be greater than it ever has been. The problem is that I have been through the emotional wringer with this thing. While she was having an affair, I was busy keeping a stream of income in the worst economy in living memory and was not as emotionally available as either of us would have liked. I have never strayed in any form or fashion and we have been together for 11 years and we have a child together. But there is a nagging pain in my gut most of the time due to this and I really can’t trust her. I am basically ambivalent about our relationship at this point.

 

We have talked about divorce. We did separate and I have to admit that I am handling it like a champ. I’m sleeping well, taking care of the house, the kid, the bills, etc and feeling pretty good about life in general. She wants to reconcile and a part of me does too to keep the family together, and I do care for her greatly as there is a lot of water under the bridge. I am just not “in love” with her anymore. She offered last night to let me go with a divorce settlement that would allow me to keep the house, pay no alimony and have partial custody of my child; basically everything I could ask for (long story, GA is an "at fault" state). She and I both cannot keep riding this emotional roller coaster. I know there are other fish in the sea and am actually excited about dating again. But I am having one heck of a hard time making this decision as she has been my partner in crime for literally both of our adult lives. I’m 31, she’s 29. What do y’all think?

 

Have you been to any kind of counseling? It sounds like you haven't forgiven her yet -- or been able to -- which is understandable. Perhaps if you could work on trusting her again, the in love feeling would come back for you.

 

I imagine it's a very difficult thing to learn to trust again, but I think it can be done. It depends on how much you really do want to keep your family together. If both of you truly desire it, it can be done -- but you'd have to be able to work through your ambivalence.

 

I think both of you are primary in your relationship. If you both can wrap your heads and hearts around that, perhaps the two of you could move forward together.

 

Also, the "in love" thing ebbs and flows during long term relationships. People make mistakes -- sometimes terrible mistakes. If there's enough love there, I believe things can work out regardless.

 

I hope things work out for the best for both of you and your child.

[Jeff1962]

JB. Well dude. To me, you have answered your owns questions.

 

You cannot trust her.

 

You are taking this like a champ.

 

You are not in love with her anymore.

 

You are looking forward to dating again.

 

 

 

On the other hand you don't want to split up your family. I can understand this. But I think your wife split up the marrage when she slept with another man. I know we all make mistakes but as I mentioned above, I personally feel as if you already have your answers.

[JB12345]

Thank you all for the input.

 

Samantha, I appreciate the advice. Yes, we have done counseling. It led to a breakthrough and then I discovered some things afterwards that I wish I never had. Crushed me again.

 

Sleeping Dog, thanks for the post on flashbacks. I’ve been through a lot of that already and I know it will continue unless I find some peace in this ordeal. But thank you for sharing.

 

DM, that’s a lot to cover. From the top:

 

“so in that I assume that she is now an open book, you have access to her email, facebook, phone log...etc..etc? If not, you can't be certain its over.”

 

Yes to all of the above. I have a paranoid streak so common of the Irish.

 

“SHE has healed? huh? you were the one betrayed, the real question is of YOUR emotional state, not hers. Whether or not she "heals" is secondary here.”

 

I know, I know. I believe they were in love and I know that’s hard to get over. But if she and I are going to reconcile, I don’t want her thinking about the OM. I need that to heal if there’s any chance of it working out.

 

“how when one of you is now a cheater?

 

not saying you can't recover, but how would it ever be greater? you will never forget what she did to you. So while I concede you can recover and move on, how is having the memory of her humping another man indicate that your marriage is better than before this knowledge?

 

I'm not saying any of this to rile you up, but forgive me, I think you are being way too forgiving and to quick to sweep it under the rug.”

 

You’re right. I’m not denying any of this and it’s really hard for me to deal with. But I have given her hell for a year now and, to her credit, she’s sucked it up. She’s trying harder now than she ever has and I am too. It’s hard as hell.

 

“are you making excuses for her? I sure hope not.

 

so basically you are doing what you have to do to survive, especially in this economy, and the way she repays you is to wrap her legs around another man???”

 

Again, not denying it. Piss poor timing on her part.

 

I’ll get to the other points later. Thanks again for your input. It’s much appreciated.

[JB12345]

Jeff,

You're right. She screwed the goose. Like I said, we've been working on our relationship for a year so this is not a rash decision. What's keeping us together now is my daughter. My parents split up when I was a child and I know how devastating divorce can be when your whole world is your family. You know, I don't hate my wife for what she did, I resent her for it, sure, and I feel betrayed and used.

 

I wish the affair had never happened. But it did so I have to put on my big boy pants and see the divorce through. I hate it though. SleepingDog, in his post on flashbacks, offered me a glimpse of my life in the future and I think that's what has led me to my decision. I don't want to live like that. She is still my best friend and I pray (been doing alot of that lately) that she and I can remain friends when this is all said and done. We may even get back together in the future, even though I know the odds are against it.

[lkjh]

With the offer she is giving you, you should take it. You can always still date but if you pass this up and 5 years down the road you want to divorce it won't be there.

 

Plus I honestly don't think this is something you will ever forget.

 

I am real sorry you are going through this. But you do have one advantage that most guys don't have, it most states if the guys wife cheats she still leaves with half of everything and no responsibility

[misternoname]

Sounds very similar to my story except we were married for 24 years. She cheated more than once...we tried one attempt at reconciliation during our separation. I utterly feared the prospect of divorce. I hate the stigma attached to it. I feared being alone. I feared the financial impact. I worried how my kids and extended family would be affected, etc., etc.

 

What I didn't factor in was MY mental health. Her infidelity was a cancer to my psyche. It consumed my mind daily. I hesitantly went thru with the divorce and lo and behold it was downright liberating. Eventhough it wasn't really what I hoped for it gave me closure. I later discovered that her affairs were even more extensive than I had feared...one night stands on "girls trips", bar hopping and getting picked up by random dudes...really disgusting s@@@.

 

A year later I'm in a very happy healthy relationship with a solid, stable, sweet, kind, beautiful woman. Getting married later this year.

 

I can't describe how nice it is to wake up not worrying about when the next lie will be revealed. I no longer waste hours pouring over phone records, hacking emails, checking credit card statements, etc.

 

In the past when we were "healing" and I was told to no longer worry it never escaped my mind. Such a waste of emotional energy.

 

I know many on this board believe in fixing a marriage post infidelity and I'm sure in some cases the couple comes out better and stronger but I'm afraid they're very much the exception and not the rule. My new mantra in life is one strike and you're out. I will NEVER subject myself to that kind of pain again. Period, dot.

 

Good luck...I hope you make the decision that is ultimately right for YOU. You have earned the right to decide where your relationship goes...she gave that up the second she jumped in the sack with another man...IMHO.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

WOW what a tough situation you are in. In a very small way I know EXACTLY how you feel. My H didn't physically cheat on me..but in so many ways (including EA) has. This is exactly where I am right now...hes healing..I am not. It's like reading something I will be writing in the next year or so. (dday was 4 mos ago). The way I see it is if you are not in love with her and you don't think you will be able to reignite that spark then why even put yourself through the misery? I know it hurts to think about your child in the whole situation but staying in the marriage even if your emotionally damaged will mess with your child long term..IMHO I think you would be better off with a woman who is faithful to you and you don't have to feel this ache with.

[JB12345]

misternoname, man, I know what you mean. Lie after lie after lie. I hope that my W didn't cheat with any other men. She says she didn't but who knows for sure. It's torture and my only defense for my heart pre-divorce is just to not care about that stuff and to try to be in the moment.

 

BlueeyedJonesy, I hear what you're saying. I love the idea of marriage but I'm just not sure it's for me anymore. That kills me too because I've always wanted a big family. I've lost alot of naivety during this process. I'd give anything to have it back.

[JAGeezer]

Jeff,

You're right. She screwed the goose. Like I said, we've been working on our relationship for a year so this is not a rash decision. What's keeping us together now is my daughter. My parents split up when I was a child and I know how devastating divorce can be when your whole world is your family. You know, I don't hate my wife for what she did, I resent her for it, sure, and I feel betrayed and used.

 

I wish the affair had never happened. But it did so I have to put on my big boy pants and see the divorce through. I hate it though. SleepingDog, in his post on flashbacks, offered me a glimpse of my life in the future and I think that's what has led me to my decision. I don't want to live like that. She is still my best friend and I pray (been doing alot of that lately) that she and I can remain friends when this is all said and done. We may even get back together in the future, even though I know the odds are against it.

 

 

There's just one thing I can add to this. You and your stbxW will never really be friends again. If you feel that you are now, I'd say that you're running on emotional inertia. You may one day be friendly, even cordial, but not friends. Why? Because a friend, especially a best friend, doesn't treat you with the sort of disrespect your W showed you by having an A. She is absolutely not your friend. Best or otherwise.

 

I know many on this board believe in fixing a marriage post infidelity and I'm sure in some cases the couple comes out better and stronger but I'm afraid they're very much the exception and not the rule. My new mantra in life is one strike and you're out. I will NEVER subject myself to that kind of pain again. Period, dot.

 

True wisdom if there ever was any. Some marriages can survive an A. Most cannot. The stats I saw said the the 5 year survival rate was 1 in 5, and that the solid majority of those that tried ended up wishing they hadn't. If someone thinks that they can save their marriage under these circumstances, more power to them. I went that route with my 1st W. I wouldn't waste the time now.

 

JAG

[JB12345]

Guess it's time to go for a long ride and dust off the old Roy Orbison albums. Please keep the advice coming. I am not looking forward to the divorce one bit.

[JB12345]

Well, I just told her that I want a divorce. We were on the back porch when I dropped the bomb. I gave her my reasons which she accepted. Very surreal. We both broke down in tears, she vomited, and I got snot on a pillow. I do sincerely wish I could forgive and forget. That would be the easier route for me. But I owe it to myself to move on from this. I had my whole life planned with this girl. And now I feel totally deconstructed and I know I have to start building that house from the bottom again.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

You just asked your wife for a divorce.

 

She accepted and puked.

It seems rather simple.

 

No begging or pleading from her.....just a simple barf?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I firmly believe your marriage can be saved; brought back to life from its current near death state.

 

You can just look all over these boards and see how people go from one troubled relationship to the next. Sometimes the troubles are more apparent than others.

 

You owe it to yourself, your daughter, and even your wife. You need to give it another wholehearted shot. I am sure you can overcome the affair if you set your mind to it.

 

But alas, as an adult you are free to make your own decisions. The appeal of being on your own and dating again is exciting and something many individuals look forward to when ending a relationship. You married young and now as you enter your 30's, there is an awareness, a maturity and understanding of the world and the opportunities it presents.

 

I wish you the best and again respect the fact that you can stick with your decision to divorce. However, I have a strong feeling at some point you will regret your decision. The majority of the divorced men I know have told me they wished they would have (or could have) made their marriages work. I always look to those responses and opinions when I am having a hard time in my marriage. Then I roll up my sleeves and take the time, effort, and hard work it takes to make it work.

 

The majority of the responses on here will lean towards supporting your decision to divorce; that's the nature of these boards.

 

Even your original post is structured to elicit the responses you are recieving.

 

I would love to hear her side of the story, and your child's feelings and opinion(s) too.

 

No matter what you end up deciding in the end, best wishes for the long road ahead.

Edited January 27, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Church Bells]

However' date=' I have a strong feeling at some point you will regret your decision. The majority of the divorced men I know have told me they wished they would have (or could have) made their marriages work. [/quote']

 

I'm not arguing with you ... just offering a different perspective.

 

Obviously, we have a different set of friends/acquaintances, but I've got to say that my experience on this subject has been the exact opposite of yours.

 

I have a pretty large cross-section of friends/acquaintances and I can think of NONE of them that are divorced that regret their decision. I KNOW I don't ... in fact ... the only regret I have is that I waited too long to finally pull the trigger.

 

When it comes to dealing with a WW's A ... I truly believe that the proper response in the vast majority of situations is D.

[road]

Not feelings but what are the facts that you can not recover your marriage.

[JB12345]

Blindsidedagainalive, she just cried so hard she threw up.

 

She's_NotInLove_w/Me, I apprecite what you're saying. I'm glad there is someone sticking up for the other side of me that wants so badly to hold it together. I just don't know if I can handle it. I mean, I close my eyes at night and see her with the other man. She made a conscious decision to have a PA and I wish that she had the intestinal fortitude to just say NO. But she didn't and now we all have to live with the consequences. Believe me, I have never had to make such a difficult decision in my life. I care so much for her and I love my little family. It's like she had a midlife crisis twenty years too early. Not making excuses, she was not the same girl I fell in love with. I feel like she's back now but I also feel it's too little too late.

 

 

 

This is still wrenching my guts. The only thing I know for sure that will come out of this is I will no longer be a full time dad and I will no longer have my W to come home to.

[JB12345]

road, I can't offer you any facts pro or con for our prospects. The problem is that this is an emotional issue and I'm very much a rational thinker. My W is very emotional, as was the OM. They shared a tragic life experience that I could not relate to. They fell in love. Those are the only facts I can offer.

[LostLamb]

I've never been married so I can't give specific advice but what struck me in your posts was that you didn't mention loving or liking her.

I think she killed the romantic love you had for her the day she cheated and now you realise that you couldn't trust or respect her as a partner again . Some people can bounce back from affairs but others can't and I think it's best for you to move on.

If she was feeling neglected then she should have spoken to you about it instead of shagging off with someone else.

You sound like a good man so I wish you luck and hope you feel better soon.

[seibert253]

Sorry to say it, but some guys, and gals, just can't get over the fact, or heal from, the ultimate betrayel.

 

A buddy of mine's wife stepped out on him and got caught. She realized what she did and the love she had for my bud and her family, (2 kids). She was truly remorseful and tried everything to fix what she broke. Guess what, my bud was done. He still loved his W, but he could never trust her or look at her the same. Everytime he touched her all he thought about was the OM. He tried IC, MC, no success. Tried to fake it until you make it, but finally he had enough.

 

We're all different and we all react differently to different situations. Some of the suggestions everyone is giving are great. But, if he's done, he's done. Time to move forward. His W should have thought of the reprecussions before she stepped outside the M.

[Buttnutter100]

road, I can't offer you any facts pro or con for our prospects. The problem is that this is an emotional issue and I'm very much a rational thinker. My W is very emotional, as was the OM. They shared a tragic life experience that I could not relate to. They fell in love. Those are the only facts I can offer.

 

 

What was the tragic life experience shared by the W and the OM?

[dprtman09]

I have a thread here, too. In that thread, Dexter Morgan is very present, as are some of the others here. Pay attention to what Dexter says. Everyone on this thread has a valid opinion on a black or white situation. You must make the decision about your M or your D. Once you make it, you must follow through. IT IS NOT EASY EITHER WAY. I've had to do both in my life. Opt for a divorce in one M and rebuild another M after my W's EA.

 

I told her and my close friend that if it had been a PA, I would have ended the M. That's one area where your W proved that nothing is sacred. I won't say that it can't be done, but she made one h**l of a lot harder (to coin a phrase) than it needed to be.

 

If you can't share with her something that no one else can share, then a rudimentary friendship is all that you will ever get. Your emotional view of a M with her will never be the same.

 

This proves that a man can have feelings, too, not just want the sex.

[vangel2]

If you truly didn't want to work out your marriage, you wouldn't be here sitting here and asking what you should do. The list of things that you mention shouldbe enough to where you would've been got a divorce by now. But uare feeling this way bc deep down inside, you do want to work it out. But it's the trust that's gone & bc you feel betrayed, it's natural to find yourself straying away from your marriage. This is exactly what's going on in my marriage with my husband. I had the emotional affair (not PA) with my ex for a month & I ended it & confessed the whole thing to my husband. Now, he's pretty much feeling the same way you're feeling. Marriages can be restore, it's not gonna be easy but it can also lead to better relationship. Your wife would love you more bc of the fact that you were able to forgive her & love her unconditionally & wholeheartedly. I say give it a try & if you have a personal relationship with God, give it unto HIM to restore your marriage. I believe that everyone deserves a 2nd chance...if it were you, wouldn't you want that? I'm not saying you should make it easy for her to be with you...I feel like she should fight even more harder to work out the marriage as well...she has to do everything she can to earn her trust back. Try doing marriage counseling as well. Good luck & God Bless!