tigressA Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Low self-esteem individuals who internalize the break up and self-flagellate their self-esteem to even lower depths.Individuals with massive egos who can't believe their exes would leave them. My most recent ex fits #1 quite well. It's highly likely he's going to turn out to be just like the woman-hating posters here on this forum because of what I "did to him".
neowulf Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I don't know what your relationship was like, but my previous marriage was potentially different. The ex has clinically diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He never felt he "had" me, in that he needed me to rely on him for something irreplacable, like financial income, etc., something that gave him leverage on me. But the sad reality was that I married him because I loved him and wanted to be with him. You cannot force someone to be secure in a relationship, albeit I tried to show him how much I loved him. It's now been over three years since D-day, with almost three years of therapy, and he still can't find someone to have a deep connection with. Perhaps he never will, if he doesn't let go and move on, same as you. You will never move on unless you stop wasting time self-flagellating and give another person an open heart, taking time to get that deep connection. The connection doesn't magically appear. My situation was different. My ex was a commitmentphobe (as was I). We were both happy to sit at the edge of our relationship and that's exactly what we did.. for 6 years. We enjoyed each others company, were best friends, loved, laughed and acted just like every other couple. But when I wanted to move things forward (moving in together, making more "joint" decisions) she began to rebell against it. Making big decisions without involving me. Showing no compromise for anything that I might have wanted to do as a couple. She wanted to be "single in a couple". I felt we'd done that long enough. This went on for about a year before I finally clicked that this woman I was crazy in love with wasn't really ever going to commit to me. She liked/loved me well enough. But her heart just wasn't in the idea of a long term commitment. This in caused me to suddenly start doubting the future of the relationship. If she wasn't interested in commiting.. how much more time should I invest in her? This of course led to behaviour on my part which signaled to her "He's going to bail" which made her pull away further. I argured with her and finally convinced her to go to counselling (which I paid for). I spent hundreds of dollars trying to find a way out for us where we could stay together. While this was happening, I stupidly became emotionally involved with a woman I worked with and ended up in an emotional affair which later turned phyiscal (I DID *NOT* SLEEP WITH HER). My ex found and out it pretty much destoryed what ever chance we had at fixing things. I still haven't really forgiven myself. I don't know if I can. It of course helps when others point out with some frequency that I'm a cheating scumbag that deserves to be alone for the rest of my life. Yes.. I have issues. I've just giving up caring that I do.
shadowplay Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Thank you for bringing that up Shadowplay. Far be it that I should ever be allowed to forget one of the most shameful mistakes I've ever made in my life. If you've read my threads, you'd also probably have heard about the endless guilt and self-loathing that came with it. Of course I deserved all that. People aren't entitled to make mistakes in their lives. Forgiveness is only for "good" people after all. As for my pain, no offense but you have no idea about my life, my relationship or what went on. I haven't published all the details, nor to I intend too. My pain is as real as the next persons and frankly *I* find it distasteful that you'd come in here and pass judgement on me. I gave my ex 6 years of my life. I was decent, kind, giving and honest. I did all I could for her. I screwed up. I admitted that. I've taken responsiblity and frankly Im sick to death of the "hollier than thou" attitude some people appear to have. Come back to me when you're life is perfect and you've never done anything you're ashamed of. I'm not passing judgment on your behavior; I've done far worse than you did. But I can't understand the logic in pining to the degree that you are for a relationship that ended because it wasn't what you wanted. It sounds like from your description the breakup was mutual.
Woggle Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 So ladies can you explain how a man can open himself up and let a woman in while still remaining attractive to her? How can a man let his guard down without a woman falling out of love? I would love to open up to my wife and not keep this wall up all the time but that seems to the moment when women lose desire for a man.
neowulf Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 But I can't understand the logic in pining to the degree that you are for a relationship that ended because it wasn't what you wanted. Because I *Loved* her. I didn't *want* to break up. I *wanted* to be with her. I wanted to be with her more than anything. But the relationship wasn't working. I couldn't make it work. I threw time, money, resources.. I threw everything I *HAD* at it to make it work. The only thing left to do was compromise everything I wanted or needed. I tried.. but I couldn't do that. I was miserable. I just couldn't make it work. It wasn't going to turn into a healthy, commited relationship no matter how badly I wanted it too. This is probably a woeful analogy but killing my relationship was like taking someone I loved off life support. I couldn't save it. I *WANTED* too... I just couldn't. I'm not talking about this anymore. This thread isn't about me anyway...
shadowplay Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 So ladies can you explain how a man can open himself up and let a woman in while still remaining attractive to her? How can a man let his guard down without a woman falling out of love? I would love to open up to my wife and not keep this wall up all the time but that seems to the moment when women lose desire for a man. My boyfriend has opened himself up to me completely. He hasn't held anything back, and I'm crazy about him.
You'reasian Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) Once a man is betrayed by a woman he is almost never the same. He will never be that wide eyed man ready to give his full love to a woman again. Not only does the heartbreak hurt but he starts noticing things about women that he never saw before and it is an eye opener. Men as they hit their 30s are so afraid of commitment because they have already been burned a few times plus many have seen a friend or two go through a nasty divorce. When a man's blinders are taken of and he sees what women are really like it is very disheartening. These younger men your friends are dating will learn soon enough when they get their hearts crushed. I'm not afraid of commitment, I seek it - but if a woman shows in action that she's not ready, I don't waste time. Like Shadowplay's guy, I open up easily, but in the presence of games, I'll close and move on. Experience has taught me to not waste time and to enjoy what you can. Edited January 26, 2010 by You'reasian
Woggle Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I'm not afraid of commitment, I seek it - but if a woman shows in action that she's not ready, I don't waste time. Like Shadowplay's guy, I open up easily, but in the presence of games, I'll close and move on. Experience has taught me to not waste time and to enjoy what you can. Women know when a man is opening up and that is when they strike. They don't show their true colors until it is too late.
threebyfate Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 So ladies can you explain how a man can open himself up and let a woman in while still remaining attractive to her? How can a man let his guard down without a woman falling out of love? I would love to open up to my wife and not keep this wall up all the time but that seems to the moment when women lose desire for a man.I can only speak for myself and not for your wife or any other woman. One of the first things that impressed the hell outta' me about my husband, was his ability to be emotionally open. He leapt all in, right out the gate and literally floored me, with his ability to care about me. In a little over a year, I'm deeper in love with him than any other man I've ever been with. I trust him implicitly and respect him for the man he is, which to me, is the cat's meow!!
Woggle Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I can only speak for myself and not for your wife or any other woman. One of the first things that impressed the hell outta' me about my husband, was his ability to be emotionally open. He leapt all in, right out the gate and literally floored me, with his ability to care about me. In a little over a year, I'm deeper in love with him than any other man I've ever been with. I trust him implicitly and respect him for the man he is, which to me, is the cat's meow!! I would normally tell a woman that in time she will eventually fall out of love with a man but I actually believe you. I believe you are sincere but you are not like other women. The few rare exceptions such as yourself who can actully appreciate a man who treats them well have no clue what the rest of their fellow women are like.
meerkat stew Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 That girl in kindergarten who "liked" me had the other boys gang up on me and do a pile-up on me. But I'm the one who ended up punished to sit in the corner when I rose up and beat all their asses. And everyone else got to color the clown picture I wanted to color all week ( I had a mental plan of which crayons I would use where) while I sat in the corner in the "self-control" chair. In the carpool home, all the other children had the colored clown and were waving them in my face. Those clowns are everywhere today, out on the street, at rodeos, circuses, birthday parties, I can't get any peace from them, even in my dreams. Don't know if that would count as a life scar or not, but I sure resent clowns.
Pyro Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Ahem I am a guy who has had his heartbroken and it has sucked. Unlike some certain people, I understand common sense and that not all women are the same. Having my heartbroken has helped me open my eyes in regards to the warning signs of cheating and has helped me realze that I deserve only the best and I do have the best.
threebyfate Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I would normally tell a woman that in time she will eventually fall out of love with a man but I actually believe you. I believe you are sincere but you are not like other women. The few rare exceptions such as yourself who can actully appreciate a man who treats them well have no clue what the rest of their fellow women are like.Woggle, that's unfair. I'm not so unique that there aren't plenty of other women who appreciate and thrive on being well treated.
Woggle Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Woggle, that's unfair. I'm not so unique that there aren't plenty of other women who appreciate and thrive on being well treated. Women such as yourself are completely unaware of how rare they are.
skydiveaddict Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) I believe women are MUCH tougher emotionally than men. Though I have no idea why. I've broken lots of bones (skydiving), been wounded twice in two wars but NOTHING compares to the pain of a broken heart. Then again, maybe it's just me. But I have to admit I have a fragile heart Edited January 26, 2010 by skydiveaddict
tami-chan Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I believe women are MUCH tougher emotionally than men. Though I have no idea why. I've broken lots of bones (skydiving), been wounded twice in two wars but NOTHING compares to the pain of a broken heart. Then again, maybe it's just me. But I have to admit I have a fragile heart SKYDIVE! welcome back!!.. fragile heart? oooppss ..sorry, didn't mean to startle you.... I had my heart broken..ahm....I don't know..I tread very carefully, when it comes to relationships.
skydiveaddict Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 SKYDIVE! welcome back!!.. fragile heart? oooppss ..sorry, didn't mean to startle you.... I had my heart broken..ahm....I don't know..I tread very carefully, when it comes to relationships. Thank you, but how dare you startle me like that! I'm like you, I tread carefully w/ relationships too. I don't know why I'm such a wuss when it comes to matters of the heart, I just am
Thebob Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 So ladies can you explain how a man can open himself up and let a woman in while still remaining attractive to her? How can a man let his guard down without a woman falling out of love? I would love to open up to my wife and not keep this wall up all the time but that seems to the moment when women lose desire for a man. *Drum Rolls**Then the Rocky Song start Playing with Sylvester Stallone jumping up and down with his hands in the air**then a marching band chanting* Now isn't that the question? if we open up we come off as creepers, if we don't open up we come off as people who cant open up and have a emotional relationship. Whatever us guys do, it's never enough and girls can fall out of love/relationship so fast the guys head can spin. Cha-Ching Thebob
gypsy_nicky Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 My first heartbreak did scar me, but not for life. I stopped dating for 2 years. I did learn a lot from it though and the others that followed (not only from the relationship but about myself too).
Mr White Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 What you call "scarring" we just call wising up to women's true colors. Men are emotional, but unlike women they can take it or leave it. So it takes just one frivolous break up from a woman they've loved for them to clean up their act and approach future relationship much more instrumentally and transactionally - as they should. It doesn't mean never falling in love again, it means understanding that there are aplenty women out there if the curent one starts acting weird. Men are only willing to "work on" a relationship once.
USMCHokie Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 What you call "scarring" we just call wising up to women's true colors. Men are emotional, but unlike women they can take it or leave it. So it takes just one frivolous break up from a woman they've loved for them to clean up their act and approach future relationship much more instrumentally and transactionally - as they should. It doesn't mean never falling in love again, it means understanding that there are aplenty women out there if the curent one starts acting weird. Men are only willing to "work on" a relationship once. Agreed. To put it blunty (and I realize kind of a bad way...), it's that magic moment when men realize what women seemed to think about men all along... ...women are expendable...
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Well put, USMCHokie. I believe with a lot of guys, myself included, they believe that their first love is "the one" and is not like other girls. For some reason, your girl is different from all the other ones. After she breaks the guy's heart, and he is able to get over it and move on, he begins to realize that she's no different from all the other women. He had just unnecessarily put her on a pedestal. This doesn't always mean he becomes a woman hater. It's just that now he knows that the concept of "the one" no longer exists. There's no such thing as "the one" or a "soulmate." Once that is realized, it's a very liberating feeling.
counterman Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 It is a very liberating feelings. You often wonder afterwards, after all the red flags and the mistreatment, why you even put her on a pedestal in the first place? That's where I think the newness of this emotion comes in. But, you live and learn from it and, although, it will be hard to completely trust another girl in the meantime, I will know better about what type of girl I want and will not be so much emotionally scarred.
Woggle Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I must say it is very liberating as well. After my divorce it was like I could see for the first time and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
crazy4you Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 There is some truth to that. When I first started going out with my gf, I was head over heels in love with her. I was willing to sacrifice anything, I was willing to get married within a few years (despite being only 21). Now that I've been with her for over 2 years and have been dumped and had my heart broken many times (by her), I just don't want any of that stuff. I guess in a way I am distrustful. I don't want to put myself out there just to be hurt again. Then again, this is aimed towards this one particular girl. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I got together with another girl, but looking at it now, I probably wouldn't want anything committed to the point of marriage until I'm much older.
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