cogent_love Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Hi, newbie here. : ] Ok, so I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. For the most part, we have a fantastic relationship. I really feel like most of the problems we have from time to time stem from my insecurity and trust issues. It's extremely frustrating. I do not want to push him away because of my problems. He is very supportive- but every guy has his limit I'm sure. He is my first long (over a month) relationship. I have heard that the first one you may get more jealous over? Has anybody had that experience? Just a few reasons why I might be uncomfortable...But I think they are pretty normal: -Gets texts/emails from girls occasionally. He doesn't answer a lot of them and says it's just girls from class that he gave his number to. (We are both in college) He says at the end of the quarter, people give numbers out. and for projects, etc. Which is probably true. Idk. -Used to go out late after work with his friends and his friend's gf's sister. They would all go smoke hookah together... I just felt uncomfortable. Then at one point like 2 years ago or so, he wanted to carpool with her to school everyday. Just her. He wanted to pick her up. he said they were all talking about saving gas or whatever. We had like an hour conversation about it and he kept trying to convince me, but said he wouldn't do it if I felt uncomfortable... And I didn't. It just seems like too much time and energy, and I don't like that he wanted to spend it on some girl. Then this past year he was in an art club with a (girl) friend from school and it was the friend from school, my bf, and the girl I mentioned above, all alone one night. He was at the girl's house and they were there for like 2-3 hours. Talking about art. Still makes me mad? Ugh. - 9 months into our relationship, he asks me to retrieve something from his email. I look around (bad girl!) and find a correspondence with an older male friend of his. He says he never should have gotten into a relationship with me, he regrets it, I'm "crazy" over him, and on and on. Now given, I am his first real girlfriend ever. And we were younger. We've had talks about it and see what went wrong. But I think I still feel betrayed deep down. I could go on and on but I won't. He is a great guy, a catch, and has never given me legitimate reason to worry. He tells me all the time that he loves me and only me, and how special I am to him. So why am I such a psycho?!?!
Awesome Username Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I dont think that he's given you any real reason to worry (for what I've read). You just really love him and are afraid that he's going to leave you. Next time, don't snoop through his emails. He has every right to tell his brother that he was upset with you, and what sucks about reading something that is not meant for your eyes is that you can't really call him on it. I think that you might just want to bring up that you have trust issues with him, and that you aren't meaning to smother him or have these jealous feelings. Keep your eye on him and trust your instincts, but if you have a feeling that it's coming from you than you might just want to talk about it to him, in an anti-accusatory manner. Part of being in a relationship is trust and though you shouldn't be blind to what he does, at least know in your mind that he chooses YOU, or he would be with someone else.
Itzo Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Hi, newbie here. : ] Ok, so I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. For the most part, we have a fantastic relationship. I really feel like most of the problems we have from time to time stem from my insecurity and trust issues. It's extremely frustrating. I do not want to push him away because of my problems. He is very supportive- but every guy has his limit I'm sure. He is my first long (over a month) relationship. I have heard that the first one you may get more jealous over? Has anybody had that experience? Just a few reasons why I might be uncomfortable...But I think they are pretty normal: -Gets texts/emails from girls occasionally. He doesn't answer a lot of them and says it's just girls from class that he gave his number to. (We are both in college) He says at the end of the quarter, people give numbers out. and for projects, etc. Which is probably true. Idk. -Used to go out late after work with his friends and his friend's gf's sister. They would all go smoke hookah together... I just felt uncomfortable. Then at one point like 2 years ago or so, he wanted to carpool with her to school everyday. Just her. He wanted to pick her up. he said they were all talking about saving gas or whatever. We had like an hour conversation about it and he kept trying to convince me, but said he wouldn't do it if I felt uncomfortable... And I didn't. It just seems like too much time and energy, and I don't like that he wanted to spend it on some girl. Then this past year he was in an art club with a (girl) friend from school and it was the friend from school, my bf, and the girl I mentioned above, all alone one night. He was at the girl's house and they were there for like 2-3 hours. Talking about art. Still makes me mad? Ugh. - 9 months into our relationship, he asks me to retrieve something from his email. I look around (bad girl!) and find a correspondence with an older male friend of his. He says he never should have gotten into a relationship with me, he regrets it, I'm "crazy" over him, and on and on. Now given, I am his first real girlfriend ever. And we were younger. We've had talks about it and see what went wrong. But I think I still feel betrayed deep down. I could go on and on but I won't. He is a great guy, a catch, and has never given me legitimate reason to worry. He tells me all the time that he loves me and only me, and how special I am to him. So why am I such a psycho?!?! You are jealous, because you worry about the future As far as I am concerned, the future exist only in your head. Therefore, it is pointless to be jealous about anything.
paddington bear Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 It's understandable that you're jealous, and the horrible thing about jealously is that it literally eats you up from the inside - but you've got to get over it as it will poison your whole relationship. I am guessing from both what you read in the email and what you've said is that you are madly in love with the guy, but totally insecure that he's going to leave you for someone else. Sometimes when you feel like this and you cling on too tight, you literally smother the other person and create exactly what you didn't want to happen, that they leave you. Not because they wanted to be with someone else, but because you are too clingy and don't trust them. You being jealous may make him feel desired, but it's more likely to start annoying him and making him feel smothered. You will actually drive him away, rather than keeping him close. He wants you to trust him, by you not trusting him you are essentially telling him that he's some kind of dirtbag that's going to make moves on all these other girls and he's not going to like that reflection of himself that you've created. He's told you how special you are to him, so take him at his word until he does something that warrants real jealousy - like ignoring you all night while obviously flirting with someone else. It is horrible to think of him there with 2 other girls talking about art or whatever, but you have to trust him, that's all there is to it. He can't spend every waking hour with you, or block out every platonic friend to allay your fears. Perhaps you need to go hang out with some of your friends, or with guy friends of yours. Not to make him jealous in return, but to remind yourself how you feel when you are with these guys, they are just friends and nothing more, because you are in love with someone else. It may enable you to put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes and see things from his perspective.
Author cogent_love Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Thank you all for the in depth replies. I really appreciate it. I do feel bad that basically to him it must seem I have little faith in him. : (
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