IllMan Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 For dazzle22- My short story: It turns out my wife and I are probably not sexually compatible. Attempted sex once a year for the last 3 years is what my stats say. My marriage counselor (for the record I picked and made the appt.) says as things improve so will our mutual desire to copulate. We've been successfull before having produced two beautiful children. So I have hope. My difficulty lies in that 'the mood', finding a 'good time' is difficult. For us, work, kids, daily priorities seem to put us firmly in the roommate camp. How do others seem to make it work? I wonder at this, and thank all of you for sharing your life experiences so that we all can have hope, understanding, and find solace in each others words. To that end, I aim to always provide an honest direct answer to any question that anyone has.
bethykins Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I know how frustrating a busy life can be on a relationship. My live-in partner and I are both working, both going to college, and have 2 kids, both extremely demanding. We usually lock ourselves in our room for 15 minutes while the kids are distracted and do our thing. Or late at night when they are asleep. One common complaint I have is why married or long term couples stop fooling around? My boyfriend and I have had this discussion a couple dozen times. I love making out. Why is this a teenage thing? I think if couples were more open to this, the fire would likely stay pretty strong.
Author IllMan Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Bethykins-Thanks for the insight. I wish I could say I know exactly what happened, but I only remember spot events that stick out in my memory. Things were great until we got engaged, then she cut everything off for fear of being expectant with a child while on the alter. That lasted months past our honeymoon. On hind sight I probably should have been more demanding... Things got better, but now oral sex was off the menu - for giving and receiving. She now found it unsanitary. Then out came kid number 1. Everything blew up. I now know I grew to resent her for not being be mother I wanted her to be. This lead to me shutting down, and taking over - which regretfully included trying to show her that a child less then a year old isn't going to sit in the corner and be quiet. All day. And all night. I think we both still have make out fantasies, but not about, or with, each other. I'm sure my wife would say she loves making out - but I know she doesn't with me. If I go to kiss her I get the cheek. If I hold her head I get compressed lips. I think the magic looses it's spark. The key to long term couples is they find a way to reignite it, or one of them completely destroys the person they are so that they both may keep going on...
bethykins Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 She seems very closed off from what I have read, and red flags are going on all over the place. If my boyfriend were that cold to me, I'd instantly assume he was finding intimacy from someone else. Humans need closeness, and she is not living up to her part of the bargain. If this continues, one of you is likely to stray. You can't do all of the work, but you also can't resent her for the way she is. Not everyone is going to be a great mother. Perhaps you can help her? I'm definitely not the best housewife, and this is always a bickering match between me and my boyfriend, but I think the key to success in a relationship has to do with compromising and helping one another. When my boyfriend gets too impatient with our kids, I take over. When I forget to do the laundry, he does it himself. Counseling is obviously important to make your marriage work, but is she attending? Or does she avoid it? How does she react if she does go? If she doesn't even bother to go with you, I'd say she has no desire to fix anything and you may need to consider if divorce would be better for you.
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I would be cold towards someone that resented me too. Maybe that is something to consider.
giotto Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 why wasn't she the mother you expected her to be? Was she a bad mother? Sounds like from what you are saying... not everybody is good with kids... and I know, because I got 4... was she depressed, maybe?
mem11363 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 NID, Sad thing is that your wife liked you but was never really into you sexually. ALL of her behavior is consistent with that. If the fear of being pregnant on the altar - remember now - visibly pregnant means at least 4 months. So once you got to within 4 months of the wedding that logic makes no sense. Kind of obvious right. And then the limited sex after the wedding. And then no oral sex. She just never liked sex with you. She used it to "bond" you emotionally and then she stopped doing it. It really isn't any more complicated then that. As for her being a bad mother - separate issue. And truthfully you are just super lucky that you were willing to be a great dad. But don't for one second let her try and make your being critical of her as a mother explain the sex thing. The sexual connection was dead on arrival. In fact - ask yourself this. When did it really start to die? Shortly after you got engaged right? Because that was when she had what she wanted - your love/commitment. Sex was purely a tool for her. I would be cold towards someone that resented me too. Maybe that is something to consider.
stillafool Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 For dazzle22- My short story: It turns out my wife and I are probably not sexually compatible. Attempted sex once a year for the last 3 years is what my stats say. My marriage counselor (for the record I picked and made the appt.) says as things improve so will our mutual desire to copulate. We've been successfull before having produced two beautiful children. So I have hope. My difficulty lies in that 'the mood', finding a 'good time' is difficult. For us, work, kids, daily priorities seem to put us firmly in the roommate camp. How do others seem to make it work? I wonder at this, and thank all of you for sharing your life experiences so that we all can have hope, understanding, and find solace in each others words. To that end, I aim to always provide an honest direct answer to any question that anyone has. I just don't understand, can't you just reach for her when you two get in bed at night?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 where to start and what to say.... I thought JamesM (where is he of late?) was a severe case and then I read posts these last few days and wonder what the heck is going on.... Your marriage is doomed if you have desire for sex.... Shut down before your marriage and for months after..... And only now you consider it an issue!!!!! Sorry to be so blunt..... How do you think for a minute you can change it, without telling your wife that you are leaving her on the miniscule chance she'll beg forgiveness, get intensive therapy and start having sex immediately....
Author IllMan Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Bethykins- We both go when she's in town (she travels every couple months). The first few sessions where a shock to her, and to her credit she has tried to address truths about herself. My wife had next to nothing to do with either child until they turned about 2. This includes feedings, diapers, holding and carrying, sickness, and late nights. As the kids get older shes becoming more involved, but keeping a nickname of 'Little B*' for our 2 year old is worrisome. I believe she wants things to be fixed, but she wants an instant fix for what she is missing. NID - I agree. My attitude helped create the wedge in my relationship. She knows, and I acknowledge that I have placed the needs and demands of our children above her desire for dominant attention. I don't expect the kids to watch Soaps on TV and be quiet. She does. Things are getting better, but I can't take the last four years back. It will take time to repair. Giotto - I witnessed an almost shaken baby syndrome. I was grateful I was there to help stop it before it began. My wife doesn't possess patience. A newborn cry's when it wants something. Screaming at it won't help. That maternal instinct just didn't seem to be there. I can accept that not everyone has it, but I would hope that one could learn what to do, and what to expect after a couple months. I do think she was depressed. We had moved and she missed her family and close friends, but moving back to her familys area didn't improve anything. Mem- I agree, and thank you for the insight. StillAF- Last night I climbed into bed, having just worked out, showered, and asking her if she needed anything. We have a queen size bed, so I didn't need to lean over to far to get close, so I do. She winces, whines, and says she needs her space, it's to hot, and she just wants to relax. This is one of the better responses. Since attending therapy I learned I need to assert, and accept the rejection. In two months of therapy we've progressed from sleeping in different bedrooms to me touching her twice, and mutual touching once. Everytime she ends it, and seems to be in a good mood - so not because she's upset or disgusted. Seems to support Mem11363s' idea. TDP- I won't leave my wife. I hope that with counseling, adapting more Alpha Male qualities, and being persistent will help change things.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 there are significant issues way beyond sex...... You claim your wife is a potential hazard to your children, probably suffering depression (my analysis). Forget about the sex issue...... You need to get her into intensive therapy to address a myriad of problems, which will affect you and your kids going forward. Just the little you tell me, reinforces you may need a divorce, not because of your lack of sex, but for your children....
giotto Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 there are significant issues way beyond sex...... You claim your wife is a potential hazard to your children, probably suffering depression (my analysis). Forget about the sex issue...... You need to get her into intensive therapy to address a myriad of problems, which will affect you and your kids going forward. Just the little you tell me, reinforces you may need a divorce, not because of your lack of sex, but for your children.... well, there seems to be the "mother" issue here... she wasn't up to it, apparently, and you resented her for not being able to be a mother, for whatever reason... I believe your relationship to be seriously compromised... she needed help when she was having problems and you shut down... mmm... not good... not saying it would have been easy, but you took, maybe, the easy way out?
jenifer1972 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Illman, I followed your comments in the other thread and wanted to ask if u would take a look at my other thread. The fact that your marriage has issues in no way detracts from your ability to give advice to women, in my opinion. If mem11363 wants to give me advice too, awesome! Anyway, am texting, so may be typos. I am distraught. Have tried to come to grips with hubby's secret porn usage, which BTW, he said he would stop without me being there too. Right, I know...anyway, want to ask about specific situation this weekend, but too difficult to text right now, so maybe if you can look at my prior post, that will give a context. Thanks!!
angie2443 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I witnessed an almost shaken baby syndrome. I was grateful I was there to help stop it before it began. My wife doesn't possess patience. A newborn cry's when it wants something. Screaming at it won't help. That maternal instinct just didn't seem to be there. I can accept that not everyone has it, but I would hope that one could learn what to do, and what to expect after a couple months. I do think she was depressed. We had moved and she missed her family and close friends, but moving back to her familys area didn't improve anything. I'm a bit scared for your children. You say she's been better towards them since they've gotten older. Do you fell they are safe and secure around her now? Do you sense she's emotionally abusive towards them in any way? Sorry if you've addressed this somewhere and I missed it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I don't see her ever being the wife or mother you would like her to be. I don't see her ever being much or a wife or a mother period. Some women just aren't cut out for that. It sounds like she just isn't. Are you wanting to stay for her, or for what you wish she could be? If you are chasing wishes, you may be chasing for the rest of your lives. Are you certain you want that for your children? And calling your two year old Little B (bastard?!) is not acceptable. All it would take is that kid or another one repeating that to anyone outside of your home (particularly any day care or school workers) and she would put you two at risk for child neglect if not abuse.
Stung Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Has your wife ever been professionally evaluated for postpartum depression or other clinical depression?
Author IllMan Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 TDP - Our marriage counselor wants her to go on meds, either to help her check her anger or to help fight her depression. Is she depressed. Yes, I would say shes more down then up, for a number of reasons. Having kids didn't enhance our lives in her eyes, they destroyed her happy-go-lucky days, and now she has to settle for the mommy van. I'm not saying she doesn't love the kids either, she does. She loves it when their good, when they hug, play, and all the fuzzy stuff. She used to do what I call Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the kids all the time. I now call her on it immediately. Since doing so, she has calmed down alot. I do feel much better about leaving the kids with her. I do know that if I have to be gone all day, or longer, that I have to make arrangements for an aunt or baby sitter to come help out. Giotto- I do think that I wasn't prepared to give her the attention and help she needed shortly after having our first. I made sure to be able to after having our second, but the damage was already done. The first time friends consisted of one bachelor guy. The closest family was 3,675 miles away (I just looked it up). I was working, she was not. She had a 3rd degree tear that required hospitalization for a week, so for week 1 it was me, the baby, and Dr. Google since I had no idea what I was doing. I always got up at night to feed/hold the newborn, then I would do to work. Living off of 4-5 hours of sleep became the norm, and it still is. Did I take the easy route? I feel I took the only route I could. Jenifer- I'm reading your post now... Angie- I call her out on her cussing (she's always cussed heavily), and calling them what I consider abusive names. So far they have never repeated them and I'm waiting for the day they do. Until then I try to help my wife notice it when shes about to, or has uttered something that could be bad. To her credit she's noticing it more, and is trying to correct it. She does lash out. Before we started seeing a marriage counselor we got into an argument over her behavior towards the kids, and she stated it was anger that was directed at me. I was a typical guy - couldn't articulate my inner feelings (So now I try to on here, but it's still hard. At least here I can think about what I want to say, and put it into notepad first), and now things are much MUCH better. I think as parents we always level some level of abuse (See teenagers? HA!), and as parents I think we have to show them how to receive it. LucerziaB- I don't think she is the mothering type. Her new job involves traveling for 4-14 days every couple months, and I think it's a good thing for her. I never tell her no when he wants to go out, or take join evening/weekend recreational sports. I know she needs her time to feel more in control of her life. I feel that as her partner I have to encourage her to grow as a person, to help her become what she wants to be. I don't think I'm chasing wishes. Our lives are what they are, and we are trying to work things out. If she wants out, I can accept that. If she wants to take the kids, I cannot accept that. I would fear greatly of what could happen if that were to occur. I suppose the only wish I have for her is for her to wear her love for the children on her sleeve, so it serves as a constant reminder that their just children who haven't been taught the evils of the world just yet. I wouldn't mind some love and understanding too ;p
Author IllMan Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Stung- Our Marriage Counselor has recommended her to receive a depression evaluation and to undergo medication. My wife just had her evaluation and the psychiatrist? wouldn't offer any treatment unless she was there on her own, and not because she was told go.
giotto Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Giotto- I do think that I wasn't prepared to give her the attention and help she needed shortly after having our first. I made sure to be able to after having our second, but the damage was already done. The first time friends consisted of one bachelor guy. The closest family was 3,675 miles away (I just looked it up). I was working, she was not. She had a 3rd degree tear that required hospitalization for a week, so for week 1 it was me, the baby, and Dr. Google since I had no idea what I was doing. I always got up at night to feed/hold the newborn, then I would do to work. Living off of 4-5 hours of sleep became the norm, and it still is. Did I take the easy route? I feel I took the only route I could. fair enough... I didn't know how to cope either and my wife was there! I'm always been hands-on, but it's the mental struggle which I found difficult to deal with... and the changes to our family life and marriage... I just disappeared out of the equation and I still feel a baby machine, in a way... lol
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