lost..

[UnHappyMaybe]

Well... where do I start.

 

My fiance and I have been together for 8 years. I was 18 and he was 21. Our relationships had more downs then ups. I knew it was doom from the start because I met my fiance at a rave, while under the influence.

The next day I was kicked out of the house.

My fiance agreed to let me stay at his parents house and I never left.

 

During the first year of our relationship there use to be a girl who ALWAYS came over. Everytime she came over they would sit face to face, they were so close that their knees were touching. VERY close. As for me I was off in the corner getting ignored. Even when I try to sit by him and touch him he would brush me off or say I was sitting to close and he needed room.

He even at one point admitted that if she was not dating another guy he would be with her. He use to tell me how he REALLY liked her and always wanted to date her. When she was over she would do the little "hits" that girls do to guys they like.

One time she put on some of my perfume that my fiancé liked because he suggested how much he LOVES that smell.

 

Well after I left him for a few months to live with a friend. He would call the house all the time, send me emails and I would ignore him. One day he got one of his ex-girlfriends to send me an email and tell me how much a "B"word I am and how she was going to have my man. She kept sending me email along with him saying how he didn't want her and she was a crazy ex.

Why did he even give her my email in the first place!?!

So I came back.

We got a job together and open an account together. (telemarketing) Well I didn't do so well so I was fired, while he got to keep the job. Bad things happen, he lost his job and we close our account.

THEN I got another job. I open an account and naturally I put him on there. By this time we been together for 3+ years. I trusted him.. or so I thought.

 

I got paid every two week and I was earning minimum wage. Barely getting 40 hours a week at times. Not only was I working full time I was also going to school full time doing all this with no car. My job was like 2 cites away and my college was a few miles away from where I live.

Since we live in a dangerous neighborhood I would have appreciated my fiance to walk me to the bus stop, only a block away from our house... did he... yeah he did when it was payday and he wanted my check.

He would go all the way to work with me to get my check. Then he would go cash it and spend most of my money on drugs, ciggys and whatever he wanted.

 

I would have some cash left over to travel to work and school but not anymore then that. I spent 4 years getting fat off of the popcorn at work because I never had money to buy decent food. If he ran out of money before the next payday he would nag me every second of the day how he needed my last 5$ for ciggys. He wouldn't even let me sleep at times.

 

If I didn't give him money he would steal it from my purse. The next day I wouldn't have money and had to go beg his mom for money OR over draw my bank account just to get to work.

Finally due to stress, I had to either quit school or work. SO I quit school, since my fiance also added that he never got to see me anymore. The eventually after that I quit my job.

My fiance soon got a job, a very GOOD one and now earns pretty good money.

He open up a bank account behind my back. Then when I found out and asked him to be on his account and he had the nerve to say NO! He said that the last bank account I had I over drew the money all the time and he didn't want that to happen again.

 

I was SO upset! I only over drew money because he STOLE my money from my purse. He never put me on there, and now everytime he is missing money guess who he comes and blames. I DO NOT steal money from him because I knew how it felt, but since I been blame everytime I decided to steal money from him anyways. If I am getting blame might as well make it worth it now.

About this time last year, I was playing on his computer. He kept acting weird around me, keeping an eye on me kept asking me what I was looking at. Gave me a weird vib. THEN one night when he was supposedly working late I saw him looking at FaceBook. Just to let you know he hates social networks but I saw the name he was trying to look for and it was that same girl that use to come visit us.

I was SO mad. The last time we heard about her, she had 2 kids with her husband but was cheating on him with his BEST friend. I yelled at him and confronted him about it. He was pretty shocked to see me. He didn't say anything and went out for a smoke, a 30 minute smoke. Since it was the middle of the night I did not want to yell outside.

 

Well 30 minutes later he comes into our bedroom with roaming eyes and said that he was only looking her up because he had a "dream" about her "being dead".

I am a reasonable person, if he had TOLD me that in the first place, I wouldn't have been mad. But not only was he looking her up behind my back, it took him 30 minutes to finally explain himself, AND his eyes were roaming. Another reason why I know he was lying was he kept saying "you believe me right?" Again nagging me to the point where I just said yes to satisfy his mind.

Since then, we been having more and more fights about nothing. He always says, "if your not happy then leave, I can see your not happy."

 

BEFORE when I was earning the money and was supporting him and we were in a fight he would say different. He always said "I love you don't leave me we can make this work"

Our fight have been so bad that they became physical now. He's never beat me up, but he has put his hands around my neck, telling me how much he wanted to strangle me, he's shoved me on the ground and on the bed, he's grabbed me so hard that it leaves bruises, he thrown small object at my back, and he has even threaten to kill me (though I don't believe he would.) But things have gotten REAL bad.

 

He's been lying and hiding drugs behind my back.

 

Since I been with him my self confidence became so low that I can't even get out of bed to clean my house. I feel lately that all I am is a maid with benefits to him.

 

So now someone from my past is back in my life. I was SO in love with him many years ago and even imagine my life with him. I wanted to marry him. We had a long distance relationship of 3 years. We connected really deep, he knows everything about me that even my fiance does not know.

 

Talking to him I thought we could be friends again but too many emotions stir up in me, and I been realizing that maybe I should have waited for him. I know we can't have things the way they were and I don't expect to jump from one relationship to another, but talking to him open my eyes.

 

I keep wondering if I am in a toxic relationship. I been so confuse...

 

Thankyou for reading this

 

-UnHappy

Edited January 25, 2010 by UnHappyMaybe

[UnHappyMaybe]

Ok got help from another forum. Ty for your time to w/e read this.

Edited January 26, 2010 by UnHappyMaybe