pandagirl Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Things are still going well with the guy I'm seeing. It's easy, happy, comfortable, safe, etc. I see him pretty much 4x a week, including spending the weekend with him. I think 4x a week is the perfect amount of time. Give you some time to miss the person, time to do you own thing, alone time, etc. This morning (I just spent the say with him yesterday) he said he wanted to see me tonight. I paused in my response, and he intuitively -- and correctly -- called me out, saying: "Nevermind, I don't think you want to see me." So, we got into an argument, but it never got to the point of me saying: "I need my own space," bc I know that is just a bad phrase to utter to anyone you are dating. I essentially MAKE my own space by planning things with my friends. Next time this discussion come up, what is the gentlest way to communicate my need for my own time to myself?
Disillusioned Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 In plain English, "I need my space" means "you're smothering me", but in datingspeak, it neans "I need a sex fix---NOW".
boogieboy Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 In plain english, you say "I need time for myself." You cant say it gently, you have to be direct. If you try to say it gently, you will dance around the truth, and give him the wrong idea. Theres nothing wrong with needing time for yourself. Tell him you want to slow down, but it doesnt mean you want to stop seeing him.
mansquito Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 "I need some alone time tonight. It's nothing against you - I just need a few nights a week where I can just loaf on the couch by myself, or grab a couple of drinks with my girlfriends, or whatever. By the way, I really love you bunches, and I do have a great time hanging out with you." The key is to be honest and straightforward about your need for down time while simultaneously reassuring him that you're happy with the relationship and that you're not trying to distance yourself from him. If he's insecure or possessive enough to get all huffy anyway, then he's probably not the guy for you.
mansquito Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I should probably note that you should avoid general phrases like "I think we should slow down" or "I need my space" unless you're willing to spend the next couple of hours explaining what you really mean. In a perfect world, we'd take those phrases at face value, but in the world we live in, they tend to be viewed as code words for "I'm beginning to lose interest in this relationship." Speak in specifics, not in generalities. "I need a couple nights a week to hang out by myself and read, and a night out with my friends." Those are perfectly clear, reasonable needs, and they don't leave any room open for misinterpretation.
meerkat stew Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 "I think it's important to have plenty of time apart from each other so that we both have something to add to the relationship besides our presence alone." or "I need quiet and apart downtime so that I am more fresh and have more to give when we are together." Four times a week before 6-8 months is a mistake IME.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I think it's perfectly fine to say something like, "I need some time to myself today/once in a while." If he doesn't understand that, there's probably a deeper problem or complaint from his side.
Awesome Username Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I think it's perfectly fine to say something like, "I need some time to myself today/once in a while." If he doesn't understand that, there's probably a deeper problem or complaint from his side. Seconded here. There's nothing wrong with wanting some reasonable alone time, and if he holds it above your head then he's a controlling jerk. You shouldn't be waiting by the phone, or jumping to satisfy his every whim all of the time. He might actually respect you more for it, even though he's throwing a hissy fit.
Agoraphobianebula Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 You don't want to hurt his feelings, that's understood. And he probably wants to hang out a lot because you have just met and he's excited, also understandable. You can soften the "blow" by simply stating that you would love to see him but you need the night off for some me time. Which is all encompassing of running errands, seeing your own friends, vegging out, spacing out, studying, whatever. Everyone understands "me" time. And if you're dating a guy who doesn't, then you got another issue on your hands.You should probably not be dating him at all.
DiscoChick Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I think it's perfectly fine to say something like, "I need some time to myself today/once in a while." If he doesn't understand that, there's probably a deeper problem or complaint from his side. Agreed! He should know up front that I am addicted to Sims 3 and finishing books before I go to sleep.
tami-chan Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 This is a really interesting thread....I don't know if there is a gentle way of saying "I need space'-without them feeling rejected...hmmm..any more suggestions out there?
Disillusioned Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 "Everyone needs a little 'me' time" should be easy enough to understand.
cogent_love Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Well, to put it in perspective, my boyfriend and I of 3 yrs see each other 3-4 times a week, and one of those days we have a class together. It's kind of hard to keep things fresh when you spend that much time together. You are essentially spending your whole week with him if it includes weekends... Tell him that you need time to relax and just do your favorite things, like you did before you two started dating. You gotta have a guy who will respect your independence. I don't think it's that bad to say. Tell him it's not about him, you want to be rested and happy for him, and that it makes you want to see him that much more the next day. Hope it helps.
D-Lish Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Panda:rolleyes: I like the "me time" comment. I think it's important to establish upfront that you are going to want this in the course of your relationship. No matter what you say- it will sting a bit, but it has to be said right? I've told people in the past that I had plans already to have dinner with a gf or see my parents...blah, blah...and then stayed home and cleaned my place, had a hot bath, and went to bed early. I think you just have to reassure him things are cool- and make immediate plans for the next time you are going to hang out. "I just want to relax, catch up on some housecleaning/laundry/reading, (you pick), but let's get together Wed?"
skydiveaddict Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Panda:rolleyes: I like the "me time" comment. I think it's important to establish upfront that you are going to want this in the course of your relationship. No matter what you say- it will sting a bit, but it has to be said right? I think that's a good idea too, he should know that girls don't like "clingy" guys. Perhaps one of your friends could tell him (in a nice way) that you are the kind of girl who needs some time to yourself once in a while.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Being a guy, I feel that a girl typically says something like that to soften the blow of what's about to come. My ex-girlfriend said that she wanted to be able to hang out with her friends more (we were long-distance and I had come in a few weekends in a row). She said some other things as well to imply a breakup, so when I flat out asked her, she said that we were still together. A few weeks later when I was back in town and I tried to get together with her, she thought I was nuts because she had broken up with me a few weeks earlier, even though she explicitly said she wasn't breaking up with me at the time. Edit: It never seems to be a good sign when both parties have to take a step back in a relationship.
Author pandagirl Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Panda:rolleyes: I've told people in the past that I had plans already to have dinner with a gf or see my parents...blah, blah...and then stayed home and cleaned my place, had a hot bath, and went to bed early. I think you just have to reassure him things are cool- and make immediate plans for the next time you are going to hang out. "I just want to relax, catch up on some housecleaning/laundry/reading, (you pick), but let's get together Wed?" I definitely make my own plans. I will leave the weekends open for him, but during the weekdays, I usually have 2 or 3 plans of my own with my friends. Being a guy, I feel that a girl typically says something like that to soften the blow of what's about to come. My ex-girlfriend said that she wanted to be able to hang out with her friends more (we were long-distance and I had come in a few weekends in a row). She said some other things as well to imply a breakup, so when I flat out asked her, she said that we were still together. A few weeks later when I was back in town and I tried to get together with her, she thought I was nuts because she had broken up with me a few weeks earlier, even though she explicitly said she wasn't breaking up with me at the time. Edit: It never seems to be a good sign when both parties have to take a step back in a relationship. But, it's not a step BACK. Is there really something wrong with wanting to have your own life? This is what I worry about though. I don't want to send the wrong message.
Itzo Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Things are still going well with the guy I'm seeing. It's easy, happy, comfortable, safe, etc. I see him pretty much 4x a week, including spending the weekend with him. I think 4x a week is the perfect amount of time. Give you some time to miss the person, time to do you own thing, alone time, etc. This morning (I just spent the say with him yesterday) he said he wanted to see me tonight. I paused in my response, and he intuitively -- and correctly -- called me out, saying: "Nevermind, I don't think you want to see me." So, we got into an argument, but it never got to the point of me saying: "I need my own space," bc I know that is just a bad phrase to utter to anyone you are dating. I essentially MAKE my own space by planning things with my friends. Next time this discussion come up, what is the gentlest way to communicate my need for my own time to myself? Ok just say, I am not attracted to you at this time ... I need some space to figure this out. It is not your fault, it is mine. Men like the direct responses, without tossing the ball too much
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Four times a week before 6-8 months is a mistake IME. Yeah, when I read that in the OP I was going ..... hmmm..... However, it does seem to be consistent with this particular man's style of relationship investment. Whether or not it's healthy remains to be seen.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Your problem, Pandagirl, is that when you tell your boyfriend that y'all need to spend less time together, it'll freak him out and make him insecure. He will start questioning everything he does with you. He'll think, "Should I call her or not?" "Will this make me look too needy?" Personally I think it's great for the two parts of the couple to each have their own life, but I just don't think there's a great way to say this. It's like men have been conditioned to view "needing space" as a precursor to breaking up. It'll definitely be a shot to his confidence when you tell him that you want to spend less time with him.
Author pandagirl Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Yeah, when I read that in the OP I was going ..... hmmm..... However, it does seem to be consistent with this particular man's style of relationship investment. Whether or not it's healthy remains to be seen. We are seeing each other a lot for a new relationship, but it doesn't feel forced -- it actually feels comfortable and remarkably easy. However, he just told me it looks like he will be moving soon. He'd kept me updated over the month about the developments going on with his work situations, and the final decision is going to be made in the next few days.
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Yes, that's the 'remain to be seen' part. Does distance change the connection? Only time will tell, IMO. To me, after he moves, you'll have a ton of 'space'. Will it be healthy space?
Author pandagirl Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Yes, that's the 'remain to be seen' part. Does distance change the connection? Only time will tell, IMO. To me, after he moves, you'll have a ton of 'space'. Will it be healthy space? We have talked about it: we both want to make it work, that is clear. However we also both know the future promises nothing, until we get there. If he moves, we're just going to try our best and see what happens.
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