kiran Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Here's the email I just received, and my heart is about ready to explode. I think I'm having an anxiety attack: "No matter how the decision I made turns out, no one will EVER be what you are, and have been to me. I wish you only knew just how terrifying, and painful this has been for me, I was so tortured and torn over the last several weeks, that me dying was a viable option just so I wouldn't have to make such a painful decision and hurt you so badly. I wish this never happened, but it did.... It makes little sense to make any quick, irrational changes/decisions that would disrupt things any further. (house, kids, job, etc). Think about how you want to handle the house, truck, etc. I have a few ideas, most are just leaving things as they are, but with you having a vested monetary interest in the house and truck. Jot down some of your own thoughts, and let me know when and where you'd like to discuss." ARGGHHHHH!!!!!! What does he want?
sedgwick Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Think about how you want to handle the house, truck, etc. I have a few ideas, most are just leaving things as they are, but with you having a vested monetary interest in the house and truck. Jot down some of your own thoughts, and let me know when and where you'd like to discuss. ARGGHHHHH!!!!!! What does he want? Doesn't matter what he wants, this is all you need to concern yourself with. I'd respond with the answers to these questions and absolutely nothing more. You're hurting too, because of HIS decision to leave -- doesn't matter how much HE'S hurting. Right now your job is to take care of yourself. As for when/where to discuss, if this is something you can take care of via email, tell him that's what you want to do. Edited January 25, 2010 by sedgwick
Silver_star Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 sounds like he is ready to cut his losses and pick up (monetary interest?) hes a jackass, he knows this is hurting you and yyet he doesnt much care...he feels a bit guilty but is set in his decision ("Think about how you want to handle the house, truck, etc. I have a few ideas, most are just leaving things as they are, but with you having a vested monetary interest in the house and truck") HE has already left you in his mind now he is selfishly trying to get what he can from the broken fragments of the relationship. Bastard! Dont take the "good parts" of this letter as compliments (no one will be what you are..) because he obviously just trying to make u feel better so he can grab what he wants from you while ur still around. Tell him that you will respond at a later time (when you have calmed down and dont have interest in salvaging anything with him), your not ready to be having this conversation and it is unfair of him to push it.
Silver_star Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 "I wish you only knew just how terrifying, and painful this has been for me, I was so tortured and torn over the last several weeks, that me dying was a viable option just so I wouldn't have to make such a painful decision and hurt you so badly." Wow...poor guy. Hes been thru hell...he just had to sleep with that girl , he had too...dont u understand? He had to sleepp with her and disrespect you and your marriage dont u get it? Hes so sorry it hurt u...because he really HAD to do it. That is friggin bull**** and u know it! He didnt have to do anything, but he did it. He said himself hes not sure it will work out...and i bet hes hoping if it doesnt work he can always come crawlin back to you and u will let hmi because he said how sorrrrry he was for doing it. Dont accept this.
dazzle22 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 So he has decided. He is choosing the OW. Do not send an email which can be used as legal evidence against you. You are in the house so that is good. Don't leave. Throw his personal stuff on the street and change the locks. Call him and tell him to save his sob story for your lawyer and to expect to regret he ever dipped his cheating wand in another pond.
Author kiran Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 I think I will wait a few days, then respond with this: I don't care how you feel. I am done. I will be out of town this weekend, so maybe we can discuss "the things" the weekend after that. I'll let you know. (I will be out of town, going to see an old friend). Or should I say something else?? "I wish you only knew just how terrifying, and painful this has been for me, I was so tortured and torn over the last several weeks, that me dying was a viable option just so I wouldn't have to make such a painful decision and hurt you so badly." Wow...poor guy. Hes been thru hell...he just had to sleep with that girl , he had too...dont u understand? He had to sleepp with her and disrespect you and your marriage dont u get it? Hes so sorry it hurt u...because he really HAD to do it. That is friggin bull**** and u know it! He didnt have to do anything, but he did it. He said himself hes not sure it will work out...and i bet hes hoping if it doesnt work he can always come crawlin back to you and u will let hmi because he said how sorrrrry he was for doing it. Dont accept this.
bbrooke Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I would NOT tell him you are going out of town.. it's none of his business... i would not make it easy for him...
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Here's the email I just received, and my heart is about ready to explode. I think I'm having an anxiety attack: "No matter how the decision I made turns out, no one will EVER be what you are, and have been to me. I wish you only knew just how terrifying, and painful this has been for me, I was so tortured and torn over the last several weeks, that me dying was a viable option just so I wouldn't have to make such a painful decision and hurt you so badly. I wish this never happened, but it did.... It makes little sense to make any quick, irrational changes/decisions that would disrupt things any further. (house, kids, job, etc). Think about how you want to handle the house, truck, etc. I have a few ideas, most are just leaving things as they are, but with you having a vested monetary interest in the house and truck. Jot down some of your own thoughts, and let me know when and where you'd like to discuss." ARGGHHHHH!!!!!! What does he want? It doesn't matter what he actually wants, he's achieved something.... This is unnerving and unsettling you. Would you like to know the absolute best way to handle it? It goes like this.... "For all enquiries relating to joint property and division of chattels, please contact my lawyer direct. His/her name & Address is: *give details* Do not contact me directly again." That's it, and all you need to say. this tells him you're in control, and capable of thinking logically. Let me elaborate: he made a huge mistake (ok, yeas, I know, he's made a lot of those.....but I mean, here.....) The cardinal rule when dealing with divorce and division of stuff is that you never - NEVER - react, respond or start from a position of Emotional communication. When you do, inevitably, you act from a position of WEAKNESS. Emotions are absolutely hopeless and useless, when it comes to logical, business-like discussion. It does not either mix, or bode well, for the person who's engaging emotionally. You have to lay emotion aside, and work from a completely business-like and practical base. look upon it as two business partners terminating their partnership. That's what you're doing. You're concluding the business, and terminating the contract. Let him speak from his gutless base, if he wants to. Let him sound like a total jerk. Because trust us, that's exactly what he sounds like. We can see it, we're not emotionally tied to him, and he doesn't yank OUR chains.... so it's easier for us to see what a pukkwit he is..... Trust me. Write that to him, and what you're doing is whamming him between the eyes with a perfect strike on the ball.
Author kiran Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Update: I ignored the email I wrote about in my initial post. This morning, he wrote again - said "Ummm....not sure if you got the email I sent yesterday" and attached it. Of course he knows I got it, he sent it to both my work and private accounts. I'm going to continue to ignore him.
CaliGuy Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 He wants closure, I think. If I were you, make all the rational decisions you want, as long as it helps you move on. Ignore him. Don't answer any of his attempts at contact.
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Way to go Kiran. You're doing exactly the right thing. For what it's worth, both Caliguy and I support you 100%. It's his contact guide I have in my signature. But he's the dude. And trust me - what he says is 100% on the button. What you are doing is taking back your power and shifting the dynamics from him controlling your emotions, with your consent, to you standing up to his petulant and selfish behaviour. Good For You!!
Author kiran Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Ugh....he's bugging me. He texted me so I replied to his email in a very detached, apathetic manner. Since then, he's emailed me again and texted me three more times; rambling stuff about what to do with his things, etc. Why won't he stop? At this point, I just want to be left alone! Way to go Kiran. You're doing exactly the right thing. For what it's worth, both Caliguy and I support you 100%. It's his contact guide I have in my signature. But he's the dude. And trust me - what he says is 100% on the button. What you are doing is taking back your power and shifting the dynamics from him controlling your emotions, with your consent, to you standing up to his petulant and selfish behaviour. Good For You!!
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Send him the message I told you to send him. Then block, erase, ignore and deny access. Just shut him off. Do not let him get to you. Do Not. Don't start playing into this game. It gets to the point that he irritates the shyte out of you for doing this - but you kinda want him to keep in touch because it shows you're on his mind. Well you are, Kiran - but please believe me - not in a good way. He's still reaching out to you to stoke his own ego, and make him feel good... He wants to know tht even though he's done what he did, he still has you at his beck and call. he still has one over you. Come on Kiran - take control.... Control him - and yourself. Every time he tries to contact you, tell yourself: "I am in control of this, and will NOT be manipulated by this jerk!" Send him my message. Then shut him out once and for all.
CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Stop replying to his text. Block his email. If he continues to pester you, call the phone company and block his number. Block him on IM. Block him on FB. It's the old adage "If there's no alcohol in the house, you won't be tempted to drink..." So, treat him like a recovering alcoholic treats beer. Remove all avenues of getting it and you'll stay sober. You are much too important to waste your breath on this guy.
sunrae Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Ugh....he's bugging me. He texted me so I replied to his email in a very detached, apathetic manner. Since then, he's emailed me again and texted me three more times; rambling stuff about what to do with his things, etc. Why won't he stop? At this point, I just want to be left alone! Are you holding on to things of his? If so, maybe if you give him his stuff back he'll quit? If you have anything of his drop it in the mail.
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