FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Look at it this way: Would you date a girl if she said you can't suddenly watch the game with your friends, or whatever? I know it's not the same thing, but it is at the same time.Its not even REMOTELY the same thing.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Look I wouldn't date a girl who wanted anything from me I couldn't give her. If you translate no alone time as you can't be friends then thats on you. I never said no double dates, or parties with other people or a life where you stay in touch. Alone time is the issue You're setting yourself up for a fall though, aren't you? You're already letting her know you can't trust her, and don't (and don't say you do, because what you're saying otherwise contradicts that) which eventually will lead to problems down the line. You allow her male friends on your terms, that's like saying live your life on my terms, or be damned. Sorry, but it is. If she's had these male friends 'x' years, and you come in, all of a sudden she can't be alone in a room with them, for fear they may just get it on, I very much doubt her friends are going to feel comfortable being her friend, because, well all of a sudden, she's an attachment to you. You're always there, friends are good to get away from your partner, to have that time to chill out and hang, it's not to say she's going to cheat, and if she does, she could cheat with numerous men, not necessarily a friend. It shows how insecure you are to impose such guidelines. I'm sorry, I find it pretty disturbing that you would sooner impose these guidelines, than work out why you are like this, and work on yourself.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Its not even REMOTELY the same thing. fair enough, bad analogy, my head is fairly battered, so yeah. The point I'm trying to make, is that healthy relationships can't be built by placing guidelines and restrictions upon each other, they are built on a mutual trust level and understanding. She can hang with her guy friends, and you can be ok with that because she's coming back to you, and you trust her. You can hang with your girl friends and the same thing. That's healthy. What's not healthy is to have to present at all of these get togethers, because you're an item, you must so be attached at the hip! I would hate to go through that again. I had nothing to hide, and why should I have to prove myself by basically becoming a conjoined twin? If a guy wants me and trusts me, he'd let me go and spend time with my friends, and vice versa, and not give it a seconds thought.
meerkat stew Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 The length of time that I am with someone is irrelevant to me. I could not imagine grabbing someone in front of my so or without them present. There are many other ways I can joke with someone and interact without it being sexual I think. Not all are like this, but several of my best female friends are. One thing I forgot to mention is that their husbands might also grab my ass or stick their tongue in my ear or vice versa. My best friends are a pretty uninhibited lot, and we are old and sexually secure, our relationships are based on humor and cutting-up. It's what we call "grab-assing around" where I'm from, and may not carry over well in other subcultures. Certainly not an aspect a new GF would ever see unless she fairly obviously had a similar social background.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 If cheating is going to happen it's going to happen. We don't live in a society where we shell ourselves in the house. There's the Internet, there's actual people in book stores! GASP! If she wants to cheat she will cheat. Preventing her from hanging with other men is stupid. Don't be so insecure. I encourage her to hang out with other men, I got no problem. Yes, yes, yes! Exactly. You can't live in fear of them cheating on you all the time, you have to at some point trust them! Let it go, have your individual friends and time apart, and enjoy each other, instead of trying to force the issue which may not even be an issue.
thegreatmoose Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Normal women can... Normal guys cannot. From the male perspective, unless the girl is some sort of uber cool super girl, there is no real incentive or desire to hang out with her as a friend... also she would HAVE to be super ugly too... Because if she is even remotely attractive, the guy is gonna want to plug her. No, normal people of either sex can. I have several extremely attractive feamle friends, some in relationships and some single. None are the right person for me for various reasons and if I hit on them, I'd lose the friendship. What a waste that would be. We are human beings who can make rational decisions. Both males and females are capable of rational decisions. I have no use for people of either sex that hit on people inappropriately.
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I can trust her 100 percent... It doesnt change the fact that as a guy I KNOW I cant trust her guy "friends"... If the outing resembles a date then Its a date... It doesnt matter who its with. If I am dating a girl and we have chosen to be exclusive then I am the only guy(straight, non relative) that she should be dating. Pro tip: no guy really enjoys sitting around listening to your feelings. If he does this then he is interested in a relationship with you.
Stockalone Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I discuss everything preemptivly but women often try to come off cool in the begining, so do men. I find women will put up with alot of crap in the begining and will challenge things months later, thats when things have to be cemented. The truth is things are never cemented you always have to work on your relationship or it falls apart... any ways I did discuss it in the begining and again as problems arose and the problems went away and I was happy. I practice what I preach and don't spend any alone time myself with women even if I think it would be harmless. The women I met were different. They spoke up right away when something bothered them. They did not turn a blind eye in the beginning only to speak up months later. Thanks for the clarification. If you bring this topic up during the early dating phase, women know what they get themselves into. Green, you're not understanding what I'm trying to communicate to you. Relationship boundaries are easy to express in normal conversation without having an incident happen. The sooner you find out how someone feels about given situations, is the sooner you figure out who this person is. If you look at his reply to my post, he clarified his position there. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2619645&postcount=121 Yes, yes, yes! Exactly. You can't live in fear of them cheating on you all the time, you have to at some point trust them! Let it go, have your individual friends and time apart, and enjoy each other, instead of trying to force the issue which may not even be an issue. This is not about cheating, nor about distrusting his gf. Oh my, I am beginning to think this thread will end up like the who pays for the first date thread.
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 No, normal people of either sex can. I have several extremely attractive feamle friends, some in relationships and some single. None are the right person for me for various reasons and if I hit on them, I'd lose the friendship. What a waste that would be. We are human beings who can make rational decisions. Both males and females are capable of rational decisions. I have no use for people of either sex that hit on people inappropriately.If what you post is true then you are NOT a normal guy.
meerkat stew Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I have to say though, that a woman who goes to her guy friend to vent out frustrations about her BF/SO is really setting herself up..most men, have this 'messianic complex" of saving a damsel in distress. Haha, you just described why I post to this board, other than our fun and games and men's rights rantings. It's absolutely true, lots of men want to help "fix" things if they can (so do women, the approach is different), but in the case of the pseudo friend, the messiah who has a thing for her is almost never giving good objective advice. (Would call it a "helper" complex rather than "messiah" also, I mean -I- certainly walk on water, but most people don't ) I would not go to my guy friends if I have problems in my relationship. That is just unnecessary stuff to deal with. So unless they are gay, weeding out "real" guy friends as opposed to those who harbor a secret crush on you can be tricky. My bro used to tell me that no guy would spend their time listening to a woman complain, whine, or b*tch about their BFs if they do not somehow hope that they can turn the tide to their favor because (as he says) it is not natural for a man to sit and endure listening to this crap from any woman. Once you get old and wizened, they are easy to spot. Men are terrible about concealing their feelings about a woman in front of other men they perceive as threats. And you'd be surprised how some men reinforce the behavior of being a crying towel for a woman, it does work out for them eventually, if they are giving out enough free psychotherapy to women, some of those women will eventually fall for them, or at least sleep with them in a weak moment. They just sacrifice their masculinity in the process. Oh and just an aside about the "gay" friends, have had more than one GF that I found out later would occasionally sleep with the "gay" friend. Well only two actually. That in itself was an eye-opener about gay friends going forward.
thegreatmoose Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 If what you post is true then you are NOT a normal guy. Whatever. Of course I admire the beauty of females, but I don't hit on women I know I can't have. It's really not that hard for me or my male friends for that matter. Maybe it's you that's not "normal" or maybe you hang out with males that hit on women inappropriately so that's your "normal".
threebyfate Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 If you look at his reply to my post, he clarified his position there. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2619645&postcount=121 Thanks but I saw that after I posted my response to him, since when I was drafting, he was posting. It's true that there are plenty of individuals of both genders, who hide behind masks early on in the dating process. Some of this is due to self-denial, some of it is due to us, yes us, wearing rose-coloured beer goggles with fluffy, white cotton balls stuck into our ears.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Oh and just an aside about the "gay" friends, have had more than one GF that I found out later would occasionally sleep with the "gay" friend. Well only two actually. That in itself was an eye-opener about gay friends going forward. Well thanks for raining on my parade! Here I've been all comfy with my BF having lots of female friends b/c many of them bat for the other team.....CRAP! lol
Clep Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Not all are like this, but several of my best female friends are. One thing I forgot to mention is that their husbands might also grab my ass or stick their tongue in my ear or vice versa. My best friends are a pretty uninhibited lot, and we are old and sexually secure, our relationships are based on humor and cutting-up. It's what we call "grab-assing around" where I'm from, and may not carry over well in other subcultures. Certainly not an aspect a new GF would ever see unless she fairly obviously had a similar social background. Oh I am so glad I am not where you are from. haha
tami-chan Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 If cheating is going to happen it's going to happen. We don't live in a society where we shell ourselves in the house. There's the Internet, there's actual people in book stores! GASP! If she wants to cheat she will cheat. Preventing her from hanging with other men is stupid. Don't be so insecure. I encourage her to hang out with other men, I got no problem. Well, I think someone said something about setting up clear boundaries....I am big on parameters. I do not like grey areas....so I understand that concept. I agree "hanging out" is different from "confiding and telling" my guy friends about issues in my relationships. Note, I said hanging out with "guy friendS"-not one particular guy friend. I used to believe that I should be able to go out to dinner and movies with A guy friend...but guess what? it never turns out "just friends"....and it becomes a really uncomfortable thing to have to deal with. I just avoid it.
Stockalone Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 It's true that there are plenty of individuals of both genders, who hide behind masks early on in the dating process. Some of this is due to self-denial, some of it is due to us, yes us, wearing rose-coloured beer goggles with fluffy, white cotton balls stuck into our ears. That is true, but I think that is the price we pay for having feelings.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I used to believe that I should be able to go out to dinner and movies with A guy friend...but guess what? it never turns out "just friends"....and it becomes a really uncomfortable thing to have to deal with. I just avoid it. Story of my life, I avoid it now too. I'm already a crazy magnet....no need to be a drama magnet too.
threebyfate Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 That is true, but I think that is the price we pay for having feelings.To an extent, yes. To an extent, no. LS is a great place to find out just how much crap, people are willing to put up with, including myself.
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 but I don't hit on women I know I can't haveNo, you arent an alpha so you play the "backburner" game.
Clep Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Whatever. Of course I admire the beauty of females, but I don't hit on women I know I can't have. It's really not that hard for me or my male friends for that matter. Maybe it's you that's not "normal" or maybe you hang out with males that hit on women inappropriately so that's your "normal". Thank you for that. I picture some of the men on here walking on their way to work with their dicks leading the way, completely incapable of stopping it, going from direction to direction following the chick for the moment, late for work or not getting there at all and life is just a mess. Glad to hear that there are men out there that are capable of reacting and making decisions on a reasonable thought process. Your crowd is the type I gravitate to and I know there are guys like you out there, as my few male friends are just like this.
meerkat stew Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Well thanks for raining on my parade! Here I've been all comfy with my BF having lots of female friends b/c many of them bat for the other team.....CRAP! lol hahaha, only a couple times has it happened, but looking back on one in particular, I think she was sleeping with her gay friend off and on while we were dating, he even made a half-joking reference to it then ("just remember she and I can still f*ck!") and after seeing some other things, once we broke up, putting some things together, I'm almost sure they were FWB, though of course I didn't witness them in the act.
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Ok, its nothing to do with hitting on women or following my penis. It has EVERYTHING to do with being HONEST with myself. Can any guy here HONESTLY say that they actually enjoyed the last time they got to sit and listen to some girl bitch and whine about this or that? And honestly what exactly is the nature of nearly all male/female "friendships"...? Its either emulated "dates" or sharing "feelings".... Ladies, if you guy friends put ANY effort into getting alone time with you they have ulterior motives. Guys, be honest with yourself about why you "value" your female friends and why you would put effort into making her feel good when she is alone with you...
thegreatmoose Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Ok, its nothing to do with hitting on women or following my penis. It has EVERYTHING to do with being HONEST with myself. Can any guy here HONESTLY say that they actually enjoyed the last time they got to sit and listen to some girl bitch and whine about this or that? And honestly what exactly is the nature of nearly all male/female "friendships"...? Its either emulated "dates" or sharing "feelings".... Ladies, if you guy friends put ANY effort into getting alone time with you they have ulterior motives. Guys, be honest with yourself about why you "value" your female friends and why you would put effort into making her feel good when she is alone with you... You have no understanding of this. We might have a common interest in something. Imagine that.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 My thinking is if I have a boyfriend, why do I need a male friend? I'm not talking about co-workers or men you visit with but always in groups or always in public. I'm talking about a one-on-one relationship with a man. I don't think a woman in a relationship should be spending time alone with another man. Yes, this applies to men also. I've never had a male friend who didn't want to transition to something romantic or sexual. When I said "I'm not interested," they all stopped being my "friend." So shouldn't I conclude that was their intent all along? Is that what other men are doing when they befriend women. Do men have unattractive female friends? I've also never understood the purpose of being friends with exes.
thegreatmoose Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 No, you arent an alpha so you play the "backburner" game. In your world everybody is an alpha or a beta, right? I'm an alpha-beta or you can call me a gamma.
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