Never let a girl you date hang out with men

[meerkat stew]

I think the goal that is being over looked here is that real friends of any gender will want to know your SO too.

 

Was in my first post, and the one after that too, and the one after that . And agree with you, it's the main test of a real friend.

[Green]

BG1985 you bring up great points. Why do I want a gf or wife who is seen all around town having private dinners, or going into the apartment of single men, or that my friends run into at the movie theatre with another man.

 

Dlish why can’t I restrict what I’m looking for in a relationship based on how other people might perceive it. Seriously do I want a gf or wife with a facebook wall filled with posts by other men such as “Really enjoyed watching the movie with you” or “are you free to meet me for dinner today?”

 

Dlish I would not date a women who so badly wanted to spend alone time with men other then there boyfriends or husband. Look I never said don’t stay in touch or talk to them, just don’t hang out with them as in alone. Obviously there are exceptions like some one pointed out what if you needed a ride home or it was business related.

 

When I called this thread what I did it was never about demanding and it didn’t even have the word friend in the title. This isn’t don’t let your gf be friendly, its don’t let them hang out! I think communication has lead this off topic but it is often hard to communicate properly.

 

Harmfulsweetz if your bi that wouldn’t change anything. I’ve never dated a bi girl but I still wouldn’t want her hanging out with men alone if I was dating her. I wouldn’t even want my gf hanging out alone with a gay man.

 

Fryfish thank you for your posts you often drove some of my points home that I didn’t.

 

Jw90063 if the title of thread bothers you then I suggest you date a guy with lots of close female friends he insists on spending alone time with and you get back to me.

 

Donnamaybe you really should read what I write. When you told your husband not to have dinner with his ex this is exactly the type of thing I am talking about. I just don’t think hanging out alone with the opposite sex is something I want out of a relationship.

 

Meerkat stew I think that people find what I say drastic because they don’t think about it. I always said this applies to men but I focused on women because they are often blind when looking at themselves. Look both men and women use relationships as a platform to find better relationships. Some of these people probably don’t even relize they are cheating. I find my rule works great for me and I thought I would share it. As usual people came in and perverted what I said. They read the title as gf’s can’t have friends I don’t approve of. Then they started talking about trust as if setting boundaries means no trust.

 

BWLoca I think if you follow what you say your relationship has a better chance of staying drama free.

[donnamaybe]

Donnamaybe you really should read what I write. When you told your husband not to have dinner with his ex this is exactly the type of thing I am talking about. I just don’t think hanging out alone with the opposite sex is something I want out of a relationship.

 

See, it matters in what context stuff happens. You should read what I write also, then. I said she wanted to come to his house and cook him dinner. Not have dinner with him in a public place. A woman wanting to cook a man dinner, particularly at his home, is a woman trying to work on the guy romantically. I, as a woman, know this. Not that I was worried it was gonna work, but I wouldn't want my man in a situation where I know DAMN WELL the woman friend in question is on the prowl rather than just a friend.

[meerkat stew]

Meerkat stew I find my rule works great for me and I thought I would share it.

 

The more I think and reflect on my experiences at your age, the more I tend to agree with you.

[Crazy Magnet]

The above is true 50/50 IME. My biggest complaint is starting dating what seems like a normal, thoughtful woman and then two trends emerge. Every picture, even old ones, she sees of a woman that I'm acquainted with draws some comment or question, every FB friend, even those obviously married with children, becomes a talking point, every woman I speak to in any way while around her is under strict observation and likely as not will be brought up later. I've never cheated or been unfaithful in any way in my life, and would think that this "shines forth" in my attitudes and treatment of her, but obviously not. And no, this is not polite interest she is expressing in my friends, I know the difference. Most men I know accept this treatment as a given reality.

 

Then the second trend. Some text comes in the middle of the night from "some guy I used to date, he's just a friend now." She doesn't turn her phone off, and right in front of me, keeps responding to this ex. He texts 4 more times. Next night, a "friend" from work sends a text or calls, long after work hours. She sits and talks to this dude with aplomb for 30 minutes, nothing about work that I can discern, and thinks it's cool because I'm in the room. My thinking is that of course I'm in the room right then, but not always. This scenario repeats with several other guys over the coming months, they come out of the woodwork, these "good friends" of hers. She considers it her right to go out with them without me, carry on however she wants, and expects me to trust her, despite the fact that right to carry on with other women certainly doesn't flow in my direction... at all.

 

I know without a doubt that if I were carrying on conversations with similar types of "friends" that it would cause immediate BIG problems. Since installing the boundary, I don't have to worry about it. Just state it right off the bat when she asks "where is this going?" or other exclusivity inquiries and then it's done. When she keeps her attention supply (as opposed to real friends) in place despite my clear boundary, I can walk without any guilt or a second thought. She was warned.

 

I have another off-topic boundary that blends into this one. When you are with me, turn the phone OFF. I don't want to hear it going off with texts and VM every 3 minutes during our time together. "What if there's an emergency?" "Well you can go in another part of the house and check it every hour, how bout that?" Handle your personal business in your personal time, not our time. I will pay you the same courtesy. The reason I mention this is that there's a huge correlation between the issues of spending time with the opposite sex and bad phone manners in terms of irritation factor for many men.

 

 

Oh I've been there! hahaha The 3am phone call from a girl he used to bang casually....who is now only a "friend" (even though I've never met her and whom he quite blatantly makes sure I never run into when out on the town.....oh yes.....I LOVE that line....see me answer his phone.....) One week after I dumped his sorry ass, I went to pick up some of my stuff at his house, and she had dog bowls for her dog there, and toys, and all kinds of her crap everywhere....yeah....friend my behind.

 

Or the other "BEST FRIEND EVER" Who could only conveniently come visit on weekends when I was out of town.......bwahahahaha She was always busy when I offered for the two of us to go up there....

 

I could go on and on......

 

And I completely agree about the phone thing. I often leave mine at home when I'm out on a date. If someone's leg has fallen off, there is nothing I can do about it while eating dinner, I am not a surgeon. I'm one of the few people on the planet probably who continually hope their phone spontaneously goes up in flames. I hate ppl thinking I'm available 24 hours a day.

[BG1985]

I think another good guideline is not to be so worried about long-time friends of your gf/bf. However, I would be concerned if a girlfriend of mine was out making new guy friends and spending time with them. This is how cheating occurs. People aren't necessarily looking to cheat on their significant other, but the two people meet under a friendly pretense that leads to a spark and then the rest is history.

[sally4sara]

I think that people find what I say drastic because they don’t think about it.

 

I think they react to it because you use unfounded and hatefully bias justifications to reason your insecurities. Like this one:

 

but I focused on women because they are often blind when looking at themselves.

 

You are blind here. You've never spent a day as a woman and cannot make this into a factual statement. You feel insecure and I would too if I kept relying on my adolescent reasoning to guide me through life. Eliminating the perceived competition only lends to the vibe that you are not the best they can do and all it would take is a game of Mario Kart with a guy friend and no one else around to make them realize it too.

 

You said it yourself - you want your GF all to yourself. But this is an impossibility. There will be other people in her life to care about if she is worth anyone's time. Good people are able to care about many others. And it isn't just about getting all her time to you because she has time with female friends, and kids she would have with you, her own family.......

Stop listening to your lizard brain so YOU can start seeing your own actions Mr. Wonder.

[Green]

I think they react to it because you use unfounded and hatefully bias justifications to reason your insecurities. Like this one:

 

 

 

You are blind here. You've never spent a day as a woman and cannot make this into a factual statement. You feel insecure and I would too if I kept relying on my adolescent reasoning to guide me through life. Eliminating the perceived competition only lends to the vibe that you are not the best they can do and all it would take is a game of Mario Kart with a guy friend and no one else around to make them realize it too.

 

You said it yourself - you want your GF all to yourself. But this is an impossibility. There will be other people in her life to care about if she is worth anyone's time. Good people are able to care about many others. And it isn't just about getting all her time to you because she has time with female friends, and kids she would have with you, her own family.......

Stop listening to your lizard brain so YOU can start seeing your own actions Mr. Wonder.

 

I don't have to spend a day as a woman to know about how my interactions with them go. I'm saying even if the woman has the purest of intentions I don't want her haning out with men.

 

~peace

[sally4sara]

I don't have to spend a day as a woman to know about how my interactions with them go. I'm saying even if the woman has the purest of intentions I don't want her haning out with men.

 

~peace

 

So every time you find yourself around a woman and she isn't roped to another guy, you end up with your dick in her?

[Itzo]

You said it yourself - you want your GF all to yourself. But this is an impossibility. There will be other people in her life to care about if she is worth anyone's time

 

Correct, I can dig this

See, either if a woman is taken or not the attraction mechanisms will be still FIRED, if the button is pushed. Simply because ATTRACTION IS NOT A CHOICE (David deAngelo). I should give credit to this guy for my last statement

[Crazy Magnet]

So every time you find yourself around a woman and she isn't roped to another guy, you end up with your dick in her?

 

 

Oh yeah, that happens to me every time I leave the house without male supervision.....

 

There I am, innocently shopping for potatoes, and next thing I know, I'm naked with 6 guys in the broccoli.....

 

It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to control myself when someone isn't dictating my friendships and escorting me around everywhere.

[sally4sara]

I have this guy friend who is always thinking some girl he just met is just waiting for him to say the word. They are allllwaaaayyyyy "feeling what he was putting down". He too thinks he knows how his interactions with women go despite the fact that 90 percent of the time it leads nowhere.

 

And even if he were right, should one try to have a relationship with every over eager person they meet that was "feeling it" for them?

 

this is exactly what I was talking about in that thread about guys getting scarred by their first heartbreak. Some men think their will, will make a relationship work with whomever they choose. Green here thinks eliminating guy friends will force compatibility and relationship success.

[Itzo]

Oh yeah, that happens to me every time I leave the house without male supervision.....

 

There I am, innocently shopping for potatoes, and next thing I know, I'm naked with 6 guys in the broccoli.....

 

It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to control myself when someone isn't dictating my friendships and escorting me around everywhere.

 

I sense your sarcasm ... but why you are shopping for potatoes when you can use cucumbers and carrots, instead of electronic vibrator that will finish the job 3 times better than 6 naked guyz?

[carhill]

So every time you find yourself around a woman and she isn't roped to another guy, you end up with your dick in her?

 

[sally4sara]

 

 

I DO like me some cider.....

[Agoraphobianebula]

Oh yeah, that happens to me every time I leave the house without male supervision.....

 

There I am, innocently shopping for potatoes, and next thing I know, I'm naked with 6 guys in the broccoli.....

 

It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to control myself when someone isn't dictating my friendships and escorting me around everywhere.

:lmao: oh jeebus, now you got me hysterical here. That's why we women need leashes with a strong collar to boot. Hell, I'll even add a lampshade because dang it, we just can't be trusted to control our -crazy, always wanting to hop into bed with male friends- hormones

 

It's simple, lack of confidence is the only thing that leads anyone to want to control others. It's lack of confidence in yourself that you can't hold her interest because you are just not good enough for her. Which, let's face it, you probably aren't anyway. So maybe it does fit.

[ecco51]

To me, jelousy was never a problem. I was raised being taught that it is the most useless emotion in the human psychy, and in my opinion that's true. Women (at least everyone I've ever dated or been friends with) frowned upon this as an insecurity and a turn off. No women wants to be leashed up and have a fence put around her. If a woman is worth your time and effort she will know what is right and wrong. Granted I wouldn't want my gf spending the night at an ex bf's house sleeping in the same bed or what not but I couldn't care less about my gf going to bars, parties, or hanging out with a guy 1 on 1. My gf and I have been together for awhile and we're currently 7 hours apart at seperate colleges. We each have our own set of friends at each school and we both go out frequently. Clubs, bars, parties, whatever.. to me are just all social enviorments. I would never cheat on her and I trust her fully. Being confident in yourself and your relationship is a major turn on and placemaker, If she were to ever cheat on me by any freak chance, I would know she's not worth me anyway.

[Itzo]

I have this guy friend who is always thinking some girl he just met is just waiting for him to say the word. They are allllwaaaayyyyy "feeling what he was putting down". He too thinks he knows how his interactions with women go despite the fact that 90 percent of the time it leads nowhere.

 

And even if he were right, should one try to have a relationship with every over eager person they meet that was "feeling it" for them?

 

this is exactly what I was talking about in that thread about guys getting scarred by their first heartbreak. Some men think their will, will make a relationship work with whomever they choose. Green here thinks eliminating guy friends will force compatibility and relationship success.

 

I know it seems spooky, because most women I met were losing control over themselves.

 

The "Feeling it" for them, is the buttom that was pressed to initiate the attraction. When you are interested in a guy or feeling attracted to him, you MADE this choice subconsciously. Noone can have control over their own subconsciousness ... when you make up your mind, you are making up your consciousness. I do not know what other men think, because I've seen it myself.

[sally4sara]

I know it seems spooky, because most women I met were losing control over themselves.

 

The "Feeling it" for them, is the buttom that was pressed to initiate the attraction. When you are interested in a guy or feeling attracted to him, you MADE this choice subconsciously. Noone can have control over their own subconsciousness ... when you make up your mind, you are making up your consciousness. I do not know what other men think, because I've seen it myself.

 

I'm sorry, but I disagree. I have made many friends with attractive people who share common interests while still keeping to my code of relationship ethics. When I "feel it" it is in the form of needing to make sure they know there is no chance in hell.

"I'm feeling I need to set this guy straight about my status before he makes an complete ass out of himself"

 

Cheating is also a choice. I know it feels nice to the ego to believe you can make someone ignore their standards, but if you were achieve this, all you'd be gaining is someone who never really had standards to begin with. It was never your ability to attract or make someone "lose control", it was that they had no control and you pushed their buttons necessary to indicate you didn't care they jump from one person to the next.

[Crazy Magnet]

I'm still in the produce isle!!

 

I ran into 9 more guys over by the squash!!! I told them we were just going to be friends, and here we are naked......AGAIN! Oh, I am so naive and clueless!!

 

OH YES OH YES OH YES

[Johnny M]

The arguments presented by women who are outraged at the very thought of a man wanting to 'control' who his girlfriend hangs out with are dumb because they are rooted in an all or nothing proposition (a major logical fallacy).

 

Just because a woman doesn't jump in bed with every guy she hangs out with does not mean it couldn't happen. Attraction is not a premeditated process. You could be perfectly happy with your boyfriend and then one day meet someone else, become attracted to him, and all of a sudden your boyfriend no longer matters. But if it wasn't for that encounter, you would still be in love with your boyfriend.

 

The more men a woman comes in contact with, the more likely it is that she would eventually develop feelings for one of them. And if she's hanging out with them on a one on one basis, the odds increase tenfold. That's why people often have crushes on their co-workers....when one spends a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex, it is quite natural for a bond to develop.

 

I don't think there's anything 'controlling' or 'disrespectful' about asking your significant other to abstain from hanging out with members of the opposite sex on a one on one. In fact, I always thought that this is an implicit understanding between people involved in serious relationships.

[BG1985]

Hell, Johnny M, you put it pretty well. As I was saying earlier, a lot of affairs begin innocently. It's not like the bf/gf is out looking to cheat, but the bf/gf meets a girl/guy who sparks interest, and then the butterflies appear in the stomach, and then all the sudden this new girl/guy is just a good friend, when in reality it's much more than a friendship.

[You'reasian]

Depends on the situation.

 

If you're dating a woman whose a tomboy, she might just prefer hanging out with guys - who else is going to go bowling with her, practice judo - etc. There's nothing wrong with this.

 

If she's attention seeking, that might raise some red flags if she's hanging with other guys...

 

and likes to get hammer drunk...

 

 

and is horny - then you've got problems lol

[FryFish]

My gf and I have been together for awhile and we're currently 7 hours apart at seperate colleges.

lol... Dude, the chances that she isnt cheating on you are pretty slim.

[Orchid8]

The only guys that I hang out with alone are my gay guy friends. All others are usually in a group setting. If I am in a relationship and my bf was uncomfortable with it, I would rather not give him any insecurities and deal with the drama that would potentially ruin a good thing. I would hope that he would be the same way with me.