Never let a girl you date hang out with men

[ella23]

May I ask-I'm bi, so how does not seeing my friends alone work for someone like me?

You must give up all your friendships then.

[FryFish]

Who said anything about giving up your friends? This is about giving up the part of the friendship that emulates being a couple.

 

The fact is MOST people cheat. Over half of people are cheaters. Trust isnt something that should be given away freely. Trust is earned. Given that over half of people are cheaters it logically follows that there is cheating will occur in way more than half of all relationships. To assume that your relationship is one of the exceptions before trust is earned is silly and naive.

[harmfulsweetz]

Lol, ella23, I suppose I had better become a hermit

 

Fact is, yes, people do cheat, over half of people are cheaters, but you must find ones that aren't. Are you going to look over your shoulder all of the time in fear of it? It's like not opening the cupboard door in fear of what is lurking behind it! Ridiculous!

 

Sorry, a decent, good, trustworthy, confident person (and I say person, not gender specific like the majority of men use on this thread) will be able to set boundaries with their friends of opposite sexes (or both depending if you're like me) and still be able to have a healthy, successful relationship. You know why? Not everyone cheats, not everyone has that mentality, until people can work that one out I sincerely doubt they can be in a healthy relationship.

 

Emulating a relationship? To who? Some outsider who does not matter because all parties involved know the real deal, and trust each other. Hear'say is ridiculous, and if I'm with a guy, and I'm friends with another guy having lunch with my friend, if someone says anything about it, well he's my friend, and I'm allowed that. Fact is, if you trust someone, you know they are coming back to you, and that their opposite sex friends are just that, friends. Quit assuming that you know how men think because you think like that which inherently means that if you had a female friend, that is all you would want to do, which gives your gf/wife the right to question your friendships. Right?

 

When will people get it into their heads that forcing your own insecurities down someone else's throats isn't conducive to a happy relationship?

[Woggle]

I am not in anyway homophobic but I would never get involved with a bi woman in the first place. In many cases it seems like they are just trying to be trendy.

[Crazy Magnet]

Oh by the way, these needy friends were girls. One was in a long-distance engagement and the other was an ex-girlfriend of one of my really good friends. The problem is that they didn't really have many friends outside of my girlfriend at the time. In fact, the one who used to date my friend told me that she resented our relationship. This was because she wouldn't be able to hang out with my girlfriend due to the fact that she hated her ex so much that she would have a breakdown every time she was around him. Ironically she was the one working so hard to get my ex-girlfriend and me together in the first place because she is one of those girls that likes to have her friends dating her boyfriend's friends. Once her relationship went south, she had to ruin it for everyone else.

 

 

hahaha I HAD these same types of friends! I was starting to think it was just me. In the end, I had to ax the friendships because my personal love life was more important than their drama. (makes logical sense, right?!? Try telling that to them!)

[angie2443]

I am not in anyway homophobic but I would never get involved with a bi woman in the first place. In many cases it seems like they are just trying to be trendy.

 

Women who are trying to be "trendy" by bieng bi are not really bi. They are faking it to get male attention. I don't believe this is a healthy thing. On the other hand, a woman who is truely bi, can be quite capable of having a healthy relationship with whom ever she is with.

[jw90063]

You should never let a girl you are dating hang out with men. If you are dating a girl seriously then you should ask her not to put herself in a situation where she is going to be alone with another man.

 

I think it is fine for a girl to be friends with and have contact with men other then her bf. I just don't think she should be able to go out and do something alone with that person. I also don't think a girl should stay in contact with her ex boyfriends.

 

The same applies for men. I just think women are often naive about thinking it would be olright for them to just go hang out with a guy and just be friends with him outside of school or work ect. I say keep it at work or school, or at some group event like a couples dinner or a party ect.

 

Men and Women can't just be friends and I wouldn't want the stress of knowing that the person I date is out having a good time with a member of the oposite sex.

 

as I said before I think this aplies to men as well, but women in my experience are often more naive to this fact.

 

Regardless of what you are saying, the title of this thread bothers me. It makes me question if you are real paranoid and the obsessive, controlling type.

[meerkat stew]

Regardless of what you are saying, the title of this thread bothers me. It makes me question if you are real paranoid and the obsessive, controlling type.

 

Dunno about that. Title a thread in a bland way, get a few responses. Title it in a more inflammatory way, get 15+ pages!

[donnamaybe]

This thread positively SCREAMS, "I can't hang onto a woman!"

[meerkat stew]

This thread positively SCREAMS, "I can't hang onto a woman!"

 

Ironically, setting firm and fair boundaries on a relationship that run both ways, maybe not quite as drastic as Green proposes, but taking a definite leadership role in the relationship as far as what behavior is acceptable and what is not, is exactly the way to hold onto a woman, because it shows her that the relationship is important to you, and as women like to be led in both dancing and relationships, if it is important to you, it will become more important to her as well.

 

If a man has the attitude that anything is permitted and OK, she will likely test that, and in her heart of hearts, consider that he doesn't really value the relationship, hence she won't either.

 

It's fine and good to talk about trust and finding someone you can trust, but the truth is, trust grows over a long time and firm boundaries cultivate that growth over time and don't detract from it.

[donnamaybe]

Ironically, setting firm and fair boundaries on a relationship that run both ways, maybe not quite as drastic as Green proposes, but taking a definite leadership role in the relationship as far as what behavior is acceptable and what is not, is exactly the way to hold onto a woman, because it shows her that the relationship is important to you, and as women like to be led in both dancing and relationships, if it is important to you, it will become more important to her as well.

 

If a man has the attitude that anything is permitted and OK, she will likely test that, and in her heart of hearts, consider that he doesn't really value the relationship, hence she won't either.

 

It's fine and good to talk about trust and finding someone you can trust, but the truth is, trust grows over a long time and firm boundaries cultivate that growth over time and don't detract from it.

 

I totally agree with YOU, but this business about laying down some rule about NEVER letting a woman have male friends smacks of MAJOR insecurity issues.

[BG1985]

The original poster isn't saying that his girlfriend is not allowed to have male friends. He's saying that there is no need for her to spend one-on-one time with other guys instead of spending that time with her boyfriend.

[carhill]

He's saying that there is no need for her to spend one-on-one time with other guys instead of spending that time with her boyfriend.

 

So, when he has a date planned with her, it's inappropriate of her to break that date to go out one-on-one with one of her platonic male friends. I can get on-board with that

 

She's at work; he's at work; no dates or other interactions are planned. Platonic male friend goes with her one-on-one to lunch, either at her or his request. There is no 'instead of'. He's disclosed... 'Hon, xxx and I are going to lunch today'. I'm on-board with that as well. 'Great, hon, let's have him over for dinner Saturday. I need some help with the race car. Have him bring the beer'.

[JaqueDark]

Oh I would so ban you from seeing those guys. I'd tie you to the bed and force you to think only of me. You'd forget any other guys even existed. At least for a little while.

 

Um... yeah. Good luck with that!

[meerkat stew]

I totally agree with YOU, but this business about laying down some rule about NEVER letting a woman have male friends smacks of MAJOR insecurity issues.

 

He didn't say they couldn't have male friends, just that they couldn't spend time alone with them. If I had the 18-25 years to do over again, I might demand the same. Had a whole string of women who asked or pressed -me- for exclusivity back then, and then used our supposed relationship as a launching board and safety net to go out and do whatever they wanted with whomever. Green's boundary would at least make it easy to dump them without a second thought.

 

Example. Slept with a girl in college casually, had hit on her a couple times, but no serious pursuit. She slept with one of my best friends the very next weekend, though with no knowledge at all that he and I knew each other. She then came back to me and tried to guilt me into an exclusive thing by claiming that she took sex very seriously and expected me to date her exclusively because I had slept with her.

 

I turned her down, she went to my friend and tried to pull the same stunt. We finally told her what was up, that we knew each other well, and that her shenanigans were funny to both of us. Instead of being ashamed, she acted like we were the bad guys, that we had somehow used her, when in actuality she was really easy to bed, and was most enthusiastic about same with both of us. I learned then and there about many women's privileged attitudes and utter lack of any shame today where sexuality is concerned. That knowledge has served me well.

 

My friend and I both wondered how many times we had been fooled by women in instances where we didn't have the luxury of a good friend on the other side of the equation. Looking back at most of my early relationships, I was expected to take the exclusivity seriously and she went and behaved however the hell she wanted to. Men do crap like this. The difference is when a man is caught, if he's masculine and reasonable, he will fess up and accept accountability. The more "feminine" a woman is in thinking, the more emotionally grounded as opposed to rationally, the less likely she will take any accountability whatsoever, and the more likely she will rationalize and fabricate some alternate reality. If one takes the risky step of dating a young woman exclusively, he needs to exercise LOTS of control, or she will steamroll right over him. And this sometimes applies to older women as well.

 

Women are more pragmatic about this than men, and if a woman had started this thread, the replies would be much more sympathetic. Women are expected to be able to restrict their BF's behavior with other women as a right of entitlement. When men claim the same right, we are called insecure and controlling. Now just because -you- or some other poster responds that -you- don't restrict your BFs interactions with ALL other women, doesn't mean most women don't do it. They absolutely most certainly DO, and any man who has ever dated more than a few women in his life knows this as a matter of course. That most women involved in dating or relationships restrict their men in this way is really not even subject to debate. It's just the way it is. It only becomes controversial when a man attempts to exercise the same prerogative.

[donnamaybe]

See, I wouldn't have a problem with my guy having a drink after work with a female friend, or lunch out. However, one female friend who had recently divorced and moved back into town after several years (who had REALLY been after him years ago prior to us beginning our relationship) wanted to come to his house back in the early stages of our relationship to cook he and his son dinner. I was NOT good with that. It was too intimate and close for my liking. He agreed.

 

It is the TYPE of male/female interaction I would either be okay or not okay with. Not who's there to watch what's going on.

[threebyfate]

So, when he has a date planned with her, it's inappropriate of her to break that date to go out one-on-one with one of her platonic male friends. I can get on-board with that

 

She's at work; he's at work; no dates or other interactions are planned. Platonic male friend goes with her one-on-one to lunch, either at her or his request. There is no 'instead of'. He's disclosed... 'Hon, xxx and I are going to lunch today'. I'm on-board with that as well. 'Great, hon, let's have him over for dinner Saturday. I need some help with the race car. Have him bring the beer'.

carhill, I think we all view people through our own experiences and attitudes, aka personal lenses.

 

If you have opposite gender friends and I mean real ones v. backburners or ego-strokers, you're going to understand that they're no different than same gender friends, just the topics of discussion and perspective. Also, if you view the opposite gender, not as a hunting ground, but as people, who you'd like to interact with on a platonic basis, it becomes less threatening.

 

Overall, it's also reliant on your partner. Are they trustworthy and do you trust them, which can be synonymous or not, reliant on individual.

[carhill]

Good point, and again speaking to compatibility. The OP, if this perspective is intrinsic to his personality and life experience, should seek out a woman with a compatible perspective, presuming he views his perspective as healthy and supportive of positive relationships.

[JaqueDark]

I too have fallen victim to this. It's the main reason I get so jealous and untrusting. My gf had this one work friend who she ALWAYS texted. I figured if she was just at work with him it was alright, but the texting hurt a lot. She often yelled at me and started fights.

 

Finally, one day I said alright you win, I won't complain anymore, I trust you fully. She started feeling really guilty and admitted that she liked him and was flirting with him. Then she dumped me that very same night. The next day, less than 24 hours later, guess who she was in a relationship with? That's right.. that other guy.

 

I really don't trust when girls say they're hanging out with another guy and then use the phrase "he's just a friend" it just points more fingers begging for a closer look.

 

I think if you're dating and you're serious in the relationship, you should have the common decensy not to let someone else interfere the way my gf did. By hanging out with other guys, you're introducing the possibility of something going on, and that possibility doesn't need to exist. Girls just don't get it though.. they get so defensive when you say something too.

 

I get what you're saying but we're not all like that and always assuming that women are is going to leave you bitter. I'll admit it's hard to find a perfect balance in this area.

 

JD

[BWLoca]

I'll admit to agreeing with this idea. I don't hang out with my male friends one on one when in a relationship. And when my male friends are in relationships, I take a step back out of respect for his girlfriend.

[Crazy Magnet]

Women are more pragmatic about this than men, and if a woman had started this thread, the replies would be much more sympathetic. Women are expected to be able to restrict their BF's behavior with other women as a right of entitlement. When men claim the same right, we are called insecure and controlling. Now just because -you- or some other poster responds that -you- don't restrict your BFs interactions with ALL other women, doesn't mean most women don't do it. They absolutely most certainly DO, and any man who has ever dated more than a few women in his life knows this as a matter of course. That most women involved in dating or relationships restrict their men in this way is really not even subject to debate. It's just the way it is. It only becomes controversial when a man attempts to exercise the same prerogative.

 

So true, not only does it vary from woman to woman, it varies from relationship to relationship. If a man gives me cause to question his intentions with his female "friends" as in, I think they are all on the back burner, I'm going to pull that leash in awful tight. He probably won't even get a leash, he'll get the option to attach himself to my foot or get lost. That, however, becomes a big hassle I don't want to deal with, and 99% of the time I'll go ahead and dump him right away. Why bother?

 

But when it seems like there are real opposite sex friendships, and not some sort of back up plan, I'll cut the leash in half and not have a care in the world.

 

What I have often found to be true though, is that the partner, be it male or female, with the issues about friends of the opposite sex is usually the one who has the most inappropriate relationships. Every time I have been cheated on, it was the cheater accusing me of doing inappropriate things with men. They were trying to pull my leash in tighter. It's usually what tipped me off in the first place. Idiots.

[sally4sara]

I think the goal that is being over looked here is that real friends of any gender will want to know your SO too. They want to be a benefit to your happiness. If you have opposite gender friends, and the moment you start a new relationship you drop them - YOU are saying it was not a real friendship and YOUR motives were not on the up and up. YOU were cultivating an untoward and self interested friendship with them.

 

Friends who don't want to know your SO and do things that detract from your relationship only show you they were never a real friend. And yeah, you don't go further investing time with them. I'm not sure why you'd want to keep bothering with them once you know they had motives.

 

But if you start dating someone and demand they drop their normal associations, YOU start drama. Now their friends will wonder if your new partner had motives in being their friend. Instead, if you really want to see the truth of who is who, you'll let people show themselves for who they are and that includes your new SO.

[BG1985]

I feel like when you date someone, you also date their friends/family. If I feel that potential in-laws will be a pain to deal with, I temper expectations about where the relationship will go. You also have to understand that your bf/gf's friends are looking out for the interest of their friend, and not the interest of the relationship. If your bf/gf's friends dislike you, they'll cause problems with your relationship down the road.

[BG1985]

When my friends, either guys or girls, get into relationships, I pretty much start hanging out with other friends anyway because people in relationships tend to be boring in my opinion. In college whenever I'd be out at a restaurant or bar with all my friends, the tables would usually be split up between couples and singles. The singles table had a hell of a lot more fun. All my guy friends in relationships act like old men now. It's depressing.

[meerkat stew]

What I have often found to be true though, is that the partner, be it male or female, with the issues about friends of the opposite sex is usually the one who has the most inappropriate relationships. Every time I have been cheated on, it was the cheater accusing me of doing inappropriate things with men. They were trying to pull my leash in tighter. It's usually what tipped me off in the first place. Idiots.

 

The above is true 50/50 IME. My biggest complaint is starting dating what seems like a normal, thoughtful woman and then two trends emerge. Every picture, even old ones, she sees of a woman that I'm acquainted with draws some comment or question, every FB friend, even those obviously married with children, becomes a talking point, every woman I speak to in any way while around her is under strict observation and likely as not will be brought up later. I've never cheated or been unfaithful in any way in my life, and would think that this "shines forth" in my attitudes and treatment of her, but obviously not. And no, this is not polite interest she is expressing in my friends, I know the difference. Most men I know accept this treatment as a given reality.

 

Then the second trend. Some text comes in the middle of the night from "some guy I used to date, he's just a friend now." She doesn't turn her phone off, and right in front of me, keeps responding to this ex. He texts 4 more times. Next night, a "friend" from work sends a text or calls, long after work hours. She sits and talks to this dude with aplomb for 30 minutes, nothing about work that I can discern, and thinks it's cool because I'm in the room. My thinking is that of course I'm in the room right then, but not always. This scenario repeats with several other guys over the coming months, they come out of the woodwork, these "good friends" of hers. She considers it her right to go out with them without me, carry on however she wants, and expects me to trust her, despite the fact that right to carry on with other women certainly doesn't flow in my direction... at all.

 

I know without a doubt that if I were carrying on conversations with similar types of "friends" that it would cause immediate BIG problems. Since installing the boundary, I don't have to worry about it. Just state it right off the bat when she asks "where is this going?" or other exclusivity inquiries and then it's done. When she keeps her attention supply (as opposed to real friends) in place despite my clear boundary, I can walk without any guilt or a second thought. She was warned.

 

I have another off-topic boundary that blends into this one. When you are with me, turn the phone OFF. I don't want to hear it going off with texts and VM every 3 minutes during our time together. "What if there's an emergency?" "Well you can go in another part of the house and check it every hour, how bout that?" Handle your personal business in your personal time, not our time. I will pay you the same courtesy. The reason I mention this is that there's a huge correlation between the issues of spending time with the opposite sex and bad phone manners in terms of irritation factor for many men.