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My ex is with another guy after telling me she didnt want a relationship


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Posted (edited)

Hi guys,

 

Ive been posting on here a bit recently, im really not coping well with this breakup at all. Probably because i really love this girl, like...really. I know i shouldnt, shes treated me like **** by breaking up with me the week before christmas, letting me back in a little bit to the totally shut the door on me without even a second chance. Ive been really trying to get over her, ive been out with 3 different girls now and had a nice enough time but all i can think about on the drive home is that it would have been better with her.

 

We were together for nearly 3 years and we had some problems but i thought we were doing just fine, then the week before christams BAM she broke up with me and i did everything wrong as i am a man and ended up pushing her totally away from me with no chance of reconciliation. Despite knowing this i still think about her for hours each day, when im doing sport (which is a lot and what i used to do to relax) i just end up thinking about her and i get no enjoyment out of it at all. I ly awake at night thinking about her. She said that she didnt want a relationship and wanted to be able to go out and do whatever she wanted as she had, and i quote, 'realised shes not the ugly duckling she thought she was...' I used to tell her every single day how beautiful she was, and she really was to me and i was very lucky. And now shes said that shes now with another guy in a relationship. Weve had about 2/3 weeks NC (which isnt long but is the longest 3 weeks of my entire life) and it has totally and utterly blown me, i wanna just burst into tears. I have no idea what to do, i know i should just move on, realise she doesnt want to be with me but i am seriously struggling. Its desperate and needy but i want her back so bad.

 

I dunno what to do, should i call her? should i message her? If i have to ignore it i really need advice because im really rubbish at it. Shes literally all i think about, even at work. Stalkerish i think, but i just cant help it!!!

 

Anything you got guys, i need it.

 

Cheers

Edited by benjo0101
Posted

Hi Benj

I know what your going through, I went throught, got treated bad went back, same ole routine, only to leave me where I am now, which isn't a bad thing trust me, she left 4 times, I went back 3 times.

 

My advice to you, only opinion, is first read all my post to see what I went through, not saying its going to happen to you, second is, she left you..SHE LEFT YOU, im not rubbing it in, its me suggesting to you, as hard as it will be, you need to give her space and time and keep NC to heal yourself incase she doesn't come back, cause when she left thats what she was telling you.

 

I don't think you will feel better, but if you go back for the wrong reasons, your going to feel worse, because chances are you maybe down this road eventually again....

 

LiL

Posted

Well you've read this advice in other threads, do not call, text message or email.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this, sounds kind of like mine. She said she wanted to be independent, then followed with "you don't expect me to do this alone". Seriously, had to let out a little laugh, it wasn't even worth arguing over. Anyway I digress.

 

What you're going to want to do is leave her alone. Just imagine she is 100% happy with this new guy. He is everything she is looking for, which sad to say is not you. Sorry if this hurts, I'm not trying to be mean. Be careful though odds are she is going to be reaching out to you as soon as they have a row. Just be strong, guard yourself.

 

Keep going out with other girls. With each girl you go out with, your feelings for your ex will start to erode. You'll have the hurt, then the hate, then you just kind of one day won't care.

 

Hope this helps, but you know I could be completely wrong.

 

If all the above fails, you could self medicate. (kidding)

Posted

First of all, I'm disturbed that our relationships are so similar. I was with my ex for nearly three years (off and on over a course of four years), and he broke up with me a week before Christmas. :laugh: I'm sorry. It's just really funny...he said he sucks with relationships, so the third(and last) time we got together our relationship was pretty open. I wasn't surprised he broke up with me. I was surprised he'd just entered another relationship the day before! :eek: And he couldn't do the relationship thing...just not with me. :laugh:

 

Breaking up sucks. It hurts. Those two hours of depression just wore me down until I couldn't take it. Doesn't help that my body is already sick. Anyway, I've realized I'm not like other people. I don't dwell on negative things. I wish you wouldn't. I can look back at those four years I had with my ex and laugh. I was happy! I was fricking happy and nothing no one says can ruin that. Don't forget the good things about your relationship. Know that you'll find someone else that will show you just how beautiful life is, and she won't stomp on your heart and put it through a grinder. ;)

  • Author
Posted (edited)

See the thing is I don't know if it's her

I miss or it's the killer blow to my self esteem (which is really low at the moment anyway) of her basically saying 'I can do much better than you'. I was with her when her life

sucked and I stuck it out, made sure i was there for her. As soon as my life got a little bit messed up and tough she stamped all over me and now has complete hold over me without even knowing it. No matter what I try I always end up thinking of her in the arms, car, bed of this other guy. I actually had to go puke up today. It's been a month since we split and 2/3 weeks NC. What's up with me? I just want her back, well my head says I do anyways. I'm trying guys, I'm just struggling to see why I bother. It's totally wrong but I'm gonna be honest, i find myself wishing my car would

crash, I'd be mugged, beaten up. I have no idea why! I'm an average joe, good job, good car, fit and healthy, got everything most people could ask for and yet i'm totally messed up.

Edited by benjo0101
Thinking bout stuff
Posted

You sound just like me when I was only a month out...

 

Maybe you feel that way because you're a little more than average. Maybe you just feel like you're actually alive right now. With all the pain and hurt and anger. Know one day it will go away, well most of it.

  • Author
Posted

It's one of the nicest feelings in the world to know you guys have taken the time out to help lil old me. I really appreciate all your comments and experiences. Anything else you got to help me will help this random guy you'll never meet feel a hell of a lot better. Thankyou, really thankyou.

  • Author
Posted

Ok now im even more messed up...another twist.

 

She knew i was doing a massive running/obstacle course even yesterday and she was planning to come along when were still together. Obviously she didnt this year. And yet she text me yesterday morning to say good luck.........Why the hell would she do that? Is she trying to mess with my head? I was just starting to come to terms and now its got me wondering alllllllll over again. Should I text her back? I havent yet as i didnt really know what to do. Should i just ignore it? AHHH! :(

 

Any help is greatly appreciated.

Posted (edited)
See the thing is I don't know if it's her

I miss or it's the killer blow to my self esteem (which is really low at the moment anyway) of her basically saying 'I can do much better than you'. I was with her when her life

sucked and I stuck it out, made sure i was there for her. As soon as my life got a little bit messed up and tough she stamped all over me and now has complete hold over me without even knowing it. No matter what I try I always end up thinking of her in the arms, car, bed of this other guy. I actually had to go puke up today. It's been a month since we split and 2/3 weeks NC. What's up with me? I just want her back, well my head says I do anyways. I'm trying guys, I'm just struggling to see why I bother. It's totally wrong but I'm gonna be honest, i find myself wishing my car would crash, I'd be mugged, beaten up. I have no idea why! I'm an average joe, good job, good car, fit and healthy, got everything most people could ask for and yet i'm totally messed up.

 

You've attached yourself mentally and emotionally to this woman. Now its time to detach. We've all been there - everyone of us has been in a situation just like yours.

 

As fas as wishing your car would crash, get mugged etc. - learn to control your thoughts. Everytime you begin thinking about something along those lines, consciously stop yourself and change your train of thought.

 

Change your body language/location at the moment - as your body and mind reflect each other. Check your posture, your body language etc. Consider learning how to control your thoughts either through logic (see cognitive psychology) and learn how to relax/dissociate through an activity like meditation.

 

You do have everything most people could ask for. Cheer up and get busy livin!

Edited by You'reasian
  • Author
Posted

That's very true. I'm gonna really make an effort this week to br as positive as I can. The one thing i don't get though is why did she text me the other mornin?? What did she have to gain telling me good luck and why would she do it? I haven't replied and I don't think i will. But.... Why would she do it?

Posted
That's very true. I'm gonna really make an effort this week to br as positive as I can. The one thing i don't get though is why did she text me the other mornin?? What did she have to gain telling me good luck and why would she do it? I haven't replied and I don't think i will. But.... Why would she do it?

 

I don't think people often leave relationships without having some sad, painful feelings about them ending...even if they know that it's time for the relationship to end. Sometimes sending warm messages of support or caring to the other person is just a way of trying to alleviate the sadness about it ending - and to demonstrate goodwill to the other person.

 

If you're on the receiving end of someone else's decision to finish a relationship, and it's come as a complete surprise, then you're bound to feel a bit traumatised and out of control of your own life. Getting a sense of control back as quickly as possible is important, which is why people recommend structuring your routine, keeping up with friends etc. That way you'll slowly start feeling in control of your life again, and enjoying the sense of freedom that can sometimes kick in when an important relationship ends.

 

Embracing and enjoying that freedom doesn't mean you didn't care about the other person....but some relationships really aren't meant for the long term. This one that's ended for you obviously wasn't. It's just going to take a little time for you to accept that and for the hurt, raw feelings to go.

Posted

What she gave you was just an excuse. My ex said that she is not the type to go from one guy to another..told me she wanted a break and never even got back to me to confirm the end of the break..just moved on to someone else within a few weeks.

 

I know how you feel and you don't need to worry about her. Wish her well with everything and try not to see her at all even if its in public places..it will be very awkward and it will bring you down. Just focus on yourself and I know its hard, I'm still dealing with the depression.

 

No matter what she has told you before, now you know the real her and that she could easily do this to someone else.

Posted

Don't freak out, you are not a stalker. It can be very hard to deal with a break up with someone you feel so strongly about, especially after such a long relationship.

 

What she said about not wanting a relationship was most likely an excuse so she didn't have to tell you the real reason. This has happened to me on more than one occasion. You might still have chance of getting her back even though you think you totally messed up.

 

A lot of times they just need a chance to live their lives and take break, and it sounds like you have already started to do that.

 

That is great, keep doing that. I know it is hard but it is best, especially at first, to start worrying about your own life and let her live hers.

 

Good luck, I know how you are feeling

Posted

My girl split up with me over christmas aswell. We both had our problems, we were together on an off for around 4 years, it hurts like hell, im sure another guy is involved, and I want to kill the ****ing world when I think about her, Ive been going out gettin drunk on the weekends, ive met another girl already who to anybody else would be a ****ing result! but I just end up thinking about my ex, who she's with, what she's doing.....its been over a month and its like im at day one, I ****ing hate her but love her a the same time.....

 

My advice to you is delete her number, delete her fb and every means of contact you have, get her out of your reach, dont reply to that text, **** her as she ****ed you......get over it, there's thousands of other girls out there this is just a phase.....it will pass.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for all your advice guys. Ive managed not to reply to the text and have in fact deleted it all together.

 

Jimmy87. I am eexxacctlly the same! And i mean exactly the same. Ive met another girl and its great but i always end up thinking of my ex. I am now pretty damn sure there was another guy involved before we split up. Whether anything happened or she jus split up with me to go with her i dont know. But its stiilllll hurting me. Ive managed to get over it a lot more over the last few days and im starting to find my feet again. I just worry that one little thing, one time i see her, one chat about her im gonna be right back here i started.

 

I hate her but love her. I want to forget her but i dont. I want her to be happy but i dont. I wanna jus give up but i cant.

 

I suppose its the problem with giving so much. When someone else like her who just takes and takes leaves you left in the lurch you just wanna throw in the towel. Noone looks out for us types. We look out for everyone else.

Posted

My ex and I broke up a few weeks ago, and she's on my mind 24/7. Just started no contact a few days ago and it's harder than hell, but I try to look at it like this: a.) she will get her space, figure out what she wants, and either comes back with us being stronger than ever, or finds happiness and begins a new journey, and b.) I will be able to move on with my life and become a stronger INDIVIDUAL.

 

 

I hate her but love her. I want to forget her but i dont. I want her to be happy but i dont. I wanna jus give up but i cant.

 

I suppose its the problem with giving so much. When someone else like her who just takes and takes leaves you left in the lurch you just wanna throw in the towel. Noone looks out for us types. We look out for everyone else.

 

This is legit because it's the exact same way I feel. I supported my ex through so many hard times, pushed her to be open-minded, social, and enjoy every opportunity she had. I paid the mortgage, drove her to/from where she needed to be, did all the housework, made dinners, got groceries and so on and so on. She was/is at law school so I knew she needed as much support as possible, and now she just threw everything away. Apparently I gave her "too much space", and we "drifted apart". I thought I was doing the right thing, obviously not.

When you give give give, and the other partner takes takes takes, you're on a one way street, and that street is going to have a dead-end eventually.

I won't lie, my ex is amazing, smart, beautiful, caring, but leaving me when I did everything to make her happy has built a lot of resentment up towards her.

It's time to move on, I'm right here, going through the same thing you are. Take it day by day, and don't worry about the future, or finding another girlfriend, just try to wake up in the morning, step outside for some fresh air, and be grateful for the positive things in your life. Everything else will fall into place, at least that's what I'm hoping for.

Never believed in fate, but it's time to put faith in it. What's meant to be is meant to be.

Posted

Another dumped before Christmas here. I've been NC since then, after a minor desperate deal two days after Christmas. Same stupid excuse about being independent, single,etc . Now she's out and has a new pic of her and a new guy as her fb pic.Ugh, I was feeling so good until now and I feel like day one all over again.

Posted
Another dumped before Christmas here. I've been NC since then, after a minor desperate deal two days after Christmas. Same stupid excuse about being independent, single,etc . Now she's out and has a new pic of her and a new guy as her fb pic.Ugh, I was feeling so good until now and I feel like day one all over again.

 

 

 

Don't do that to youself dude. Whatever you do, dont look at her fb page ever again. I'm often tempted to look at my ex's fb page, but will not let myself do it. I'm really beginning to hate the fact that FB exists at all

  • Author
Posted

Thanks rand0m. You really sound like your going through the same thing. It's really reassuring to know somebody like you who knows how I feel can tell me to hold strong. I wanna day it back man, that post has really made me feel better. You sound like the greatest guy in the whole world! We all have our flaws but you were really being a girls dream. I'm sure she will be seriously regretting her decision before long. (same for me Id imagine)

you deserve so much better man. If you ever wanna chat about anything just get in touch. We seem so similar seems like we should.

 

Keep your chin up an keep smiling. You'll get the woman you deserve. :-)

  • Author
Posted

Ok, this is the pettiest twist ever! But i'd just like to know how to play it. My ex just re-added me on facebook after she deleted me when we split. What should I do? Accept, decline or just ignore?

  • Author
Posted

Ok, ive also found out shes not in a relationship with this guy anymore....God im confusseddd! ahhh!

Posted

Ignore the request ... let he wonder. Maybe she'll talk to you about it and you'll get more clarity. Either way, let her dangle for a while.

  • Author
Posted

This is me on here venting my steam again an needing advice on literally everything my brain has to offer!

So I accepted the friend request and about an hour later she posted on my wall saying hi, how you been. I replied civilly with a smile and a very very short convo went on just bein courteous. She started it, not me. This was a mistake maybe as I clearly still have strong feelings for her. She is very lonely at the moment i can tell and I get the impression she is actually missing me. With the infamous valentines day approaching she is probably even worse. Now I am happy with myself at the minute and I could live without her and I think I'm going through the getting over her stuff. But part of me still wants to be back with her. Were probably gonna be at the same party on Saturday as we both know the guy who's party it is, and with valentines the following day. I think you can see where I'm going, should I think about messaging her or something casual to see if she would like to go out on a date type thing. See how she feels? Talk to her at all? Should I just wait it out? I really dunno how I'll react at this party as I haven't seen her in weeks. I really just don't know what to do. I don't want to push her away by smothering her again but I don't wanna do my usual screw up thing an message her when I really shouldn't. I dunno if you can see what I mean. I do still love her. How can I show her without being an idiot an putting me back to square one?

I really suck at this stuff. :-(

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