ex bf wants to 'take things slow' - what does it mean? !!

[xyoungforeternityx]

What could 'take things slow' mean in this situation?

 

Me and ex bf were together for nearly 7 months. I ended things with him 3 weeks ago cos he admitted he wasnt over his ex of 3 years; I had already asked him about this already and asked him to be honest with me and that I'd understand as she ended things with him at the start of May (it was a bad break up; they were long distance; she text him saying it was over then refused to speak with him), and we got together in the middle of July.

 

Our break up wasnt bad, I tried to be understanding cos he seemed so confused by the end and thought ending things with us would help him get over her. I didnt want to be a extra complication in all of this. He didnt want us to finish at first. I had told that I didnt want us to end. After thinking, I still wanted to be with him, cos he had said that he didnt want to get back with his ex (this was what I was worrying about) but he had gone from hating her to accepting things and remembering the good times. He said he'd been trying to adjust to our relationship cos he was used to being in a long distance one, and we live in the same city. He told me that he always had to go up to see her, she'd ever come to see him, even though she was the one with a car, and they'd have to do what she wants and he lost touch with a few friends cos she always wanted to see him at weekends, but now he has this new freedom. We've met each other's friends and get along etc.

 

At first we still spoke, and I told him that if what he said was true then I thinking we are being stupid just throwing things away. He told me he wanted time to sort his head out and that he didnt want to hurt me, so I told him I understand, then didnt for a few days. The first Friday, he just turns up at my house, saying I am right for him, etc etc. I was about to go out with my friend, and he came along and got really drunk. One thing led to another and the next morning he woke up with a hangover. I could tell he was still confused, I told him he can't do this cos its unfair on me, he said he did it cos he was talking to his friends about me and he was worried that I'd go out and find someone else and he couldnt bear that.

He said he wants to be with me but 'doesnt know'. I told him not to contact me til he does know what he wants. He didnt like that at first but said he would. He text me later that night saying my friend had been telling him about the night before. I replied back to a few texts but left the last one unanswered cos I had told him earlier I didnt want to be left in limbo.

 

No contact til the next friday, where he texts asking am I out at the usual place I go to cos he's going with his friends and 'he doesnt want to ruin my night', I wasnt so I said have fun. then at 3am he texts asking can he talk to me, and can he come with me, and if want to see him he'll be waiting. I didnt reply. He then rang, I answered eventually cos I was worried and he said he is confused and depressed. We spoke for a while and his friend told me that he had tried to throw his phone in a puddle cos he didnt want to speak to 'her'. I asked my ex bf if he meant his ex and he yes. I asked if he had been speaking to her and he said no, that hes letting her ruin what we had. He said this past week of us not talking was hell for him. I told him I should go cos it was late and I could hear his friend talking in the background so I knew he wasnt alone, he asked me not to, but I starting to get upset. He asked if he could talk tomorrow I said yes.

 

The next day, (sat) he texts apologising for last night. I replied saying I was worried and hope he was okay. He replied sying I don't know, Im at my friend's safe and hungover.

 

I didn hear from him until the next thursday when he text saying I know we havent talked in a while but Im so exicted and you'd be the person I'd normally tell first, Ive book my driving lessons, for next sat, bet you a pint I pass before you. I replied back saying well done cos it was a big deal, then he'd reply back in a jokey way. I didnt cos things were still up in the air.

 

then on friday night, it was his first gig without me there. He kept texting me everything that was happening, even though I wasnt replying. He then text asking if I wanted to meet the next day cos he needed to talk about things. I was unsure what to make of this but we met anyway.

 

At first he was just chatting away like we usued to. I tried to be distant and not so chatty but its so hard not to with him. He was saying that he was supposed to be going for drinks with workmates and then going to see his firends band with his best mate after, I said Id leave him to his plans cos he wasnt even talking about us. He said he couldnt be bothered going, and did I want to go see the band with him, or we could go cinema or for a drink or something.

 

I asked him why he invited me out and he said he just wanted to see me and that he missed me. I said he had said that he wanted to talk and that I am right for him, and that we get along and when he thinks of me, there's nothing negative, and he enjoys spending time with me and he really really likes me. He said he wants us to try again but to 'take things slowly and see how things develop' and he didnt want to rush into things again. At first I told him I wasnt happy cos I dont want to get hurt and he said he doesnt want to hurt me. I went home and he went out with his workmates.

 

About an hour later, he text me saying he's going home cos he's not in the mood and his workmates are annoying him. I text apologising for acting awkward earlier and that I want things to work, and if he still wants, I'd like to take things slowly.

He said he understand and feels the same. I havent heard from him since.

 

Im not sure about all this. Does this mean we are together or has he left the door open for him to see other people?

 

I told him I dont want to get hurt so surely he cant mean that? He isnt the type really to do that, but it hasnt be established and I dont want to push it cos we used to be fun and happy, and all this serious talk is getting too much now.

 

Its hard because before we were so close and things happened pretty quick. We saw each other a lot straight away and when we didnt we still were in contact in the times inbetween.

 

I dont even know how often should I contact him? Should I just wait for him? but then I'll be at HIS beacon call, when a relationship should be equal.

 

I dont know if we'll just lapse back into how things were in a few weeks cos he said 'take things slow' but was still quite touchy feely, eg; putting his cold hands on my face, tickling me, and calling me by the nickname he always used to. But he never really stopped doing that after the break up.

I even think at one point he tried to hold my hand when I took my hand out of my pocket but I didnt realise it at the time.

 

Am I stupid for giving this a try? Has anyone got any advice as to what I should and shouldnt do when 'taking things slow' and has anyone been through this before and its worked out?

 

Thanks for reading, Im sorry for the LONG essay, just thought I should explain everything. I know its complicated. Thank you

xxxx

[Dtali07]

It sounds like your ex(?) bf is a little afraid and is trying to sort things out but he knows that he doesn't want to lose you. I know all of these heavy conversations can be a drag on your rapport but if he said he wants to work things out but take things slow, then take him at his word for the time being. If there is a long radio silence, then def find out if he still meants what he said earlier and maybe make plans for a fun night out. It is scary to be in limbo and no one wants to get hurt but sometimes you have to take a chance and put yourself out there. You could get hurt but then again, you could just find love.

[xyoungforeternityx]

thanks for the reply.

what if you've just found out that his band are going travel to the city where his ex lives in april, to the same place where he was supposed to play, which he then cancelled after they split and he got with me, cos he thought no one would turn up.

 

In my head, it seems like he is thinking of stringing me along til then, then will see what happens with his ex, and cos we're 'taking things slowly', it wont be as bad if he ex wants him back.

 

Though he's told me he doesnt want to get back with her, and he's said all those things to me, and said he doesnt want to hurt me?

 

Am I overreacting?

Im so angry right now.

Ive definately lost trust in him now. but then again, I do always think the worst.

HELP!

[sunrae]

My ex, kind of did the same thing... We dated, things were great, but then he said he needed some time.. Ijust recently found out from him, that he had only been broken up from his ex gf of 4 years, two months before he and I started hanging out... So, he needs time to sort things out, so, I'm giving him time. (maybe at some point he'll come back around)....

 

Are you ready and willing to open your heart back up to him?

Or do you want an all or nothing relationship with him?

If it's going to end up working, you have to trust him, that he doesnt want to get back with his ex.

[bluewolf17]

I would suggest that you take is slow......

 

If you feel you are being strung along, or you no longer can deal with taking it slow, then you have to back out.

 

Some people here may persuade you to just give up, but it's up to you. Only you know this relationship well. If he is being genuine, then let it go slow. He could be just hurt.

[xyoungforeternityx]

I thought he seemed genuine. Even throughout all this, I never questionned that this hurt wasnt intentional on his part. I think after the break up he acted badly due to his confusion.

 

But all this seems strange. Why play where she lives? Its not like its a major city. He could have arranged to play anywhere. and it's all settled after he asks us to 'take things slow'. this is the only thing that I have doubts about. I just dont want to be how I have been with him, only to get hurt again in a few months time, cos I know it'll be even worse then now.

 

He's not a player or anything, I felt I could trust him straight away. But when it comes to his ex, I know she really hurt him.

 

He says he doesnt now why he still thinks of her, cos she was so horrible to him, looked down on him, his mum and friends told shes taking advantage of him and he should get rid. That they always had to do what she wanted etc etc.

 

I'd be distraught if thats what he chooses over me. I know I'm nowhere near perfect but I havent treated him like dirt and have been nothing but supportive and tried to understand. Even if some of my friends think Im being a fool.

[aerogurl87]

Take things slow, it's for the best. Right now he seems extremely confused and he does need time to sort his mind out. Also you mentioned he was in a LDR for 3 years. Ok I'm going to be honest with you, those things can take a great toil on you emotionally and mentally. I've been in regular relationships and LDRs and the breakup of a LDR is a lot harder to take than that of breaking up with someone closer. Maybe it's because closure is harder to get that way, I dunno, but it is hard. So let him get his mind together and then talk to him. Don't try to rush his healing process.

[xyoungforeternityx]

Take things slow, it's for the best. Right now he seems extremely confused and he does need time to sort his mind out. Also you mentioned he was in a LDR for 3 years. Ok I'm going to be honest with you, those things can take a great toil on you emotionally and mentally. I've been in regular relationships and LDRs and the breakup of a LDR is a lot harder to take than that of breaking up with someone closer. Maybe it's because closure is harder to get that way, I dunno, but it is hard. So let him get his mind together and then talk to him. Don't try to rush his healing process.

 

 

That's what my heart is telling me. I don't want to lose him. But in my head, because of what has been said, the possibility that he is just using me remains. I don't think he is, I think he was genuine. He would just leave and walk away if he didnt want me. It was always him initating contact, never me, in the past two weeks. That was his escape route. But he didnt take it?

 

Normally I'd accept things and move on, I'd obviously be hurt but I think I always knew before that it wasnt right. But this doesn feel right.

 

I'll do what you say and let him take the lead. His band have got a gig in the town where his ex lives which worries me, though its not for a few months, I dont know if thats to reconcile, though he has said he doesnt want to get back with her, and how when he met her when we first got to together to give her stuff back, she was so horrible to him and us, that she 'was glad she wasnt stuck with someone', and that she seemd like she wanted to be on her own. My friend said maybe he's playing there to get closure or something. I dont know even if I should even include this into the equation. I know I'm not thinking straight at the min anyway,

 

This situation is even worse then last time, being in limbo, he's told that he wants us to work etc etc but I havent heard from him since sat, and we'd speak everyday usually.

 

Im trying to just be how I was when I first met him, but even then we'd still speak lots inbetween meeting, and we met up a lot. How can I just pretend I dont have all these feelings for him or that the last 7 months didnt happen?

xxxx

[Limbo21]

Limbo? I'm an expert in limbo. You won't like my advice but I've learnt this the hard way and would hate for you to do the same. The key wording here is 'self respect'. I'm not saying for a moment your ex will take the p!ss but if he's prepared to let you go (or at least pull away) then it's over. The magic won't return ... Only limbo.

 

My ex strung me along as long as I would have allowed it. She genuinely loves me but it can't happen yet (long story). Sounds to me as yours loves you .... But not enough to put your heart in their hands.

 

I'm sure you'll do what we all have on here, we all need to learn by our own mistakes but this one is dead and your self respect erodes with every text you send to someone that can't/won't commit

 

you deserve better ... Don't compromise your happiness .... Explain, ignore and move on

 

goodluck

[xyoungforeternityx]

Limbo? I'm an expert in limbo. You won't like my advice but I've learnt this the hard way and would hate for you to do the same. The key wording here is 'self respect'. I'm not saying for a moment your ex will take the p!ss but if he's prepared to let you go (or at least pull away) then it's over. The magic won't return ... Only limbo.

 

My ex strung me along as long as I would have allowed it. She genuinely loves me but it can't happen yet (long story). Sounds to me as yours loves you .... But not enough to put your heart in their hands.

 

I'm sure you'll do what we all have on here, we all need to learn by our own mistakes but this one is dead and your self respect erodes with every text you send to someone that can't/won't commit

 

you deserve better ... Don't compromise your happiness .... Explain, ignore and move on

 

goodluck

 

It's all in your name. I appreciate your advice. For some reason, the past two days Ive realised a lot and feel like Ive been able to look at it all from a different perspective. This is the 4th week after our break up, and Ive cried enough tears now. Ive been thinking about if this had been happening to a friend or someone I knew, I know what I'd be thinking. Get away from him.

 

When we initially broke up, I said to him it was just bad timing. And I think it was. There's no point clinging onto something especially with an issue like this. At first I believe he genuinely didnt mean to hurt me, but now I feel he is just taking advantage. Maybe I was too honest about everything to him, but that was only because I care and thought I was doing the right thing. He was confused enough, I thought if he knew what I was thinking, it was one less thing for him to worry and be confused about.

 

I think he just wants attention from me and knows I'll give it. He's told me his whole situation and most people probably would have told him to get lost and left him to it, I probably should have done that, but the fact that he still kept in touch and contacted me and still told me how he was feeling, made me believe he could trust me and confide in me and I didnt want to abandon him.

 

But I want a relationship with him, like what we had before all this, and at the minute he obviously doesnt want that. He wants the familiarity and convenience and comfort (possibly without the commitment, I'm not willing to find out), and who can blame him trying? Ive been stupid and more or less offered that to him. He needs to deal with this on his own. I think once Im that person, Ill always be that person who he can take from, but never really have to give anything back to.

 

I would like to think that in time whenever he sorts this all out, if he realises what we had, and wants to try and continue it, then we could, but I'm not even sure if I'd like that. I feel like Ive lost all trust and security in him because of how he's acting at the minute. Maybe it is just confusion and him being lost, or maybe he is just taking plain advantage, messing with my head, cos he knows he can, but whatever it is, Im starting to feel I can let go. He's not bringing me down with him. He's the one with all the problems, whereas I have got just this one, which I know I can deal with now. I now know I don't need him. I can be happy without him. Towards the end, we werent happy because obviously him dealing with his issues alone and me wondering what was wrong. And until he deals with that, we wouldnt be happy.

 

I can appreciate what we had and I know at the time we were good together and I hope one day he realises that. And by then I'll have hopefully moved on.

 

Thanks for all your advice. Its helped lots.

xxxx