ex bf wants to 'take things slow' - what does it mean? !!

[xyoungforeternityx]

What could 'take things slow' mean in this situation?

 

Me and ex bf were together for nearly 7 months. I ended things with him 3 weeks ago cos he admitted he wasnt over his ex of 3 years; I had already asked him about this already and asked him to be honest with me and that I'd understand as she ended things with him at the start of May (it was a bad break up; they were long distance; she text him saying it was over then refused to speak with him), and we got together in the middle of July.

 

Our break up wasnt bad, I tried to be understanding cos he seemed so confused by the end and thought ending things with us would help him get over her. I didnt want to be a extra complication in all of this. He didnt want us to finish at first. I had told that I didnt want us to end. After thinking, I still wanted to be with him, cos he had said that he didnt want to get back with his ex (this was what I was worrying about) but he had gone from hating her to accepting things and remembering the good times. He said he'd been trying to adjust to our relationship cos he was used to being in a long distance one, and we live in the same city. He told me that he always had to go up to see her, she'd ever come to see him, even though she was the one with a car, and they'd have to do what she wants and he lost touch with a few friends cos she always wanted to see him at weekends, but now he has this new freedom. We've met each other's friends and get along etc.

 

At first we still spoke, and I told him that if what he said was true then I thinking we are being stupid just throwing things away. He told me he wanted time to sort his head out and that he didnt want to hurt me, so I told him I understand, then didnt for a few days. The first Friday, he just turns up at my house, saying I am right for him, etc etc. I was about to go out with my friend, and he came along and got really drunk. One thing led to another and the next morning he woke up with a hangover. I could tell he was still confused, I told him he can't do this cos its unfair on me, he said he did it cos he was talking to his friends about me and he was worried that I'd go out and find someone else and he couldnt bear that.

He said he wants to be with me but 'doesnt know'. I told him not to contact me til he does know what he wants. He didnt like that at first but said he would. He text me later that night saying my friend had been telling him about the night before. I replied back to a few texts but left the last one unanswered cos I had told him earlier I didnt want to be left in limbo.

 

No contact til the next friday, where he texts asking am I out at the usual place I go to cos he's going with his friends and 'he doesnt want to ruin my night', I wasnt so I said have fun. then at 3am he texts asking can he talk to me, and can he come with me, and if want to see him he'll be waiting. I didnt reply. He then rang, I answered eventually cos I was worried and he said he is confused and depressed. We spoke for a while and his friend told me that he had tried to throw his phone in a puddle cos he didnt want to speak to 'her'. I asked my ex bf if he meant his ex and he yes. I asked if he had been speaking to her and he said no, that hes letting her ruin what we had. He said this past week of us not talking was hell for him. I told him I should go cos it was late and I could hear his friend talking in the background so I knew he wasnt alone, he asked me not to, but I starting to get upset. He asked if he could talk tomorrow I said yes.

 

The next day, (sat) he texts apologising for last night. I replied saying I was worried and hope he was okay. He replied sying I don't know, Im at my friend's safe and hungover.

 

I didn hear from him until the next thursday when he text saying I know we havent talked in a while but Im so exicted and you'd be the person I'd normally tell first, Ive book my driving lessons, for next sat, bet you a pint I pass before you. I replied back saying well done cos it was a big deal, then he'd reply back in a jokey way. I didnt cos things were still up in the air.

 

then on friday night, it was his first gig without me there. He kept texting me everything that was happening, even though I wasnt replying. He then text asking if I wanted to meet the next day cos he needed to talk about things. I was unsure what to make of this but we met anyway.

 

At first he was just chatting away like we usued to. I tried to be distant and not so chatty but its so hard not to with him. He was saying that he was supposed to be going for drinks with workmates and then going to see his firends band with his best mate after, I said Id leave him to his plans cos he wasnt even talking about us. He said he couldnt be bothered going, and did I want to go see the band with him, or we could go cinema or for a drink or something.

 

I asked him why he invited me out and he said he just wanted to see me and that he missed me. I said he had said that he wanted to talk and that I am right for him, and that we get along and when he thinks of me, there's nothing negative, and he enjoys spending time with me and he really really likes me. He said he wants us to try again but to 'take things slowly and see how things develop' and he didnt want to rush into things again. At first I told him I wasnt happy cos I dont want to get hurt and he said he doesnt want to hurt me. I went home and he went out with his workmates.

 

About an hour later, he text me saying he's going home cos he's not in the mood and his workmates are annoying him. I text apologising for acting awkward earlier and that I want things to work, and if he still wants, I'd like to take things slowly.

He said he understand and feels the same. I havent heard from him since.

 

Im not sure about all this. Does this mean we are together or has he left the door open for him to see other people?

 

I told him I dont want to get hurt so surely he cant mean that? He isnt the type really to do that, but it hasnt be established and I dont want to push it cos we used to be fun and happy, and all this serious talk is getting too much now.

 

Its hard because before we were so close and things happened pretty quick. We saw each other a lot straight away and when we didnt we still were in contact in the times inbetween.

 

I dont even know how often should I contact him? Should I just wait for him? but then I'll be at HIS beacon call, when a relationship should be equal.

 

I dont know if we'll just lapse back into how things were in a few weeks cos he said 'take things slow' but was still quite touchy feely, eg; putting his cold hands on my face, tickling me, and calling me by the nickname he always used to. But he never really stopped doing that after the break up.

I even think at one point he tried to hold my hand when I took my hand out of my pocket but I didnt realise it at the time.

 

Am I stupid for giving this a try? Has anyone got any advice as to what I should and shouldnt do when 'taking things slow' and has anyone been through this before and its worked out?

 

Thanks for reading, Im sorry for the LONG essay, just thought I should explain everything. I know its complicated. Thank you

xxxx

[counterman]

Well, first of all, if he is not over his ex then that's a major issue. Even if he doesn't want to get back with his ex, it doesn't mean he is completely healed. He still seems to be having some emotional issues from his previous relationships and, if unresolved, it will naturally affect your relationship with him. First and for most, he should not have got together with you if he was not 100% over his ex and completely ready to date again. This explains the drinking and feeling a bit confused and depressed. Though, it is good that he recognises that he was mistreated by his ex so he knows what it feels like to get hurt. Getting over this hurt is another matter.

 

Since you're together with him already, you want to help him with this but also not have yourself hurt. You most likely will end up hurt if he isn't 100% with you. A lot of the time, it just seems that he's been a little depressed and lonely and, of course, he'll miss you and being able to call you out means that he can sort of get what he wants, even if he has to try a few times. I don't really like that idea because he might end up taking you for granted, knowing that you'll work with him through this but if it gets too tough, he might not commit anymore.

 

In saying that, what I recommend you should do is devote a time, date and place to talk to him (it'll only be you two) about this and get everything off your chest. Make it serious and discuss your concerns. Asks him whether he really wants to be with you or not and tell him to think about it carefully 'cause you don't want to hurt him and you don't want to be hurt yourself. If he seems unsure, give him time and space to think, but, generally, I think a bit of uncertainty goes back to square one, in regards of him still being hurt and needing to work through some issues. Just take it from there and you can decide, from how you feel, what to do.

 

P.S. taking it slow means not moving fast into anything, and easing into a serious relationship, but if he's all handsy and flirty, then that makes it tough. So you have to set the record straight by asking him what he means by that. You shouldn't be left confused.

[littlebittle]

i think that you should back off from this situation. i know how much you care about him, but as the other guy posted, he is not over his ex. his lingering strong feelings about her are not conducive to a healthy new relationship, and you're gonna get hurt.

 

it sounds like he does care about you and he genuinely enjoys your company, but he's not in a place to be totally committed to someone new.

 

your best bet is to cut off contact with him. this will help him gain some perspective on the situation and it will also save you from getting more hurt. maybe he will come around after a certain point, maybe not. but you're only making things worse in the long run by subjecting yourself to his mercurial moods. you can try to be his friend. but if you want more from him, and he's sitting on the fence, you're never going to feel secure or happy.

 

the bottom line is that he is not going to be the best boyfriend he can be until he is completely over his ex. you deserve his full attention, not a relationship full of uncertainties.

[LucreziaBorgia]

"Going slow" in this case = "as little commitment as possible"

 

If you want a solid, committed relationship you won't find one with this guy at least not any time in the near future, and if you stay with him under these circumstances it will never get past where it is now. Best to let go completely for the time being.

[Match Factor]

He is not over his ex. His ego was damaged and it will take a while for him to not want her. "Take it slow" for a guy means that he's not into you. Guys can make you feel great in the moment when they are with you, but the what really defines whether he truly cares is what he does when you are not around each other. He should be letting you know that he is thinking of you.

 

You deserve so much better than this guy. You deserve someone who will focus on you and not be distracted. You're worth that, and you will never get it unless you expect it.

[xyoungforeternityx]

He's told me that he does 'really like' me. That he wants things to work. We were together for 7 months. That can't mean nothing. We had no contact for 2 weeks (except at weekends when he intiated it, he always initiated it), surely he'd just not bother and leave things. I was the one who finished things and said he shouldnt be with me if he isnt over his ex but he assured me he wanted to and wanted to move on, which made me think we had a chance.

 

I dont understand why he would ask to meet up and tell me that it was a yes and he feels the same, if he's just not that into me.

 

I know I sound so girly, but it would be ten times easier if he did just say 'no I dont want you' but he's not.

 

He;s told me a day after the break up that even though he was confused cos he thought he still had feelings for his ex but that he didnt know what to do cos what if he could have something more with me and he's just ruining it?

 

I tried not to get too attached and involved at first but he was telling me how he was falling for me within a month, and after a few months, I thought I was being silly with-holding my feelings because he seemed such a great guy. I'm just frustrated that he let me develop these feelings for him and fall for him even when we discussed our exes and how they had hurt us.

 

He isnt a player or that type of guy, and I know that all this wasnt intentional but this aftermath is really starting to tear me apart.

 

Like I said, usually during breakups (not that Ive been in that many relationships anyway), but whether its me or him ending things, Im obviously hurt but Ive always accepted things and moved on, mainly cos I think I always knew they were wrong.

 

But this doesnt feel wrong, we had no fights, we get along so well, we're so similar, we've met each other's friends and family. Maybe we did move too fast to begin with, but I genuinely thought we'd be together for a while, not just for 7 months.

 

I think about all of it and it makes me cry, I try and move on and focus on something, but it still doesnt feel over. I know I shouldnt cling to anything at the moment, cos I want what we had and he doesnt seem ready for it like he thought he was.

 

I think if he calls, I'll have ignore cos Im just going to put myself through all that pain and hurt again cos I want something more at this moment in time. But I feel bad to agreeing to taking it slow. He knows Im not happy with the situation but I thought Id try, but I dont think I can. Ive been nothing but supportive and tried to be understanding and respectful to him, giving him space etc.

 

Is this a good idea? Should I explain to him this and that after he sorts his problems out, if he wants a relationship like we had before then he can contact me if Im free? I dont know how long it will take for him to sort himself out but I know its gonna be a long time. And thats a long time of me being like this. I feel bad for just abandoning him but hes got to work it out on his own and figure out if he really wants me or just the company and comfort any person has to offer.

 

I know I sound like a desperate girl but I assure you Im not usually like this over guys, Im pretty realistic and can handle the truth, (after a little bit of crying), I can understand the stereotype of this type of situation but he seems genuine and why waste all that time with me? why even contact me after breaking up? If I was that bad and he wasnt into me, that was his time to escape, I wasnt contacting him, it was him always contacting me and turning up at my house. I live with my mum, why face her if he doesnt care?

 

Argh, help, Im so confused, any ideas?

Thanks for the advice so far

xxxx

[Simon Attwood]

You will never ever find a man who is well and truly completely over his ex and that's the reality of the situation. You may find a man that will not discuss it, deny it, or tell you that they are over their ex. or keep certain feelings from you because they are afraid it might make you feel insecure and threatened by the truth.

 

So which would you prefer;

 

1. A man to lie to you?

 

2. A man that, although perhaps uncomfortable discussing it, will tell you the truth?

 

As to "taking things slow"; each forward step in a relationship requires that both parties are just that little bit more secure enough in the relationship to take that step and this takes time. If you rush forward too fast, the fear factor kicks in and is usually repressed up until the point it cannot be contained any further, and explodes out in full fury, inside it slowly nibbles away until that explosion that ends up inevitably destroying the relationship.

[xyoungforeternityx]

You will never ever find a man who is well and truly completely over his ex and that's the reality of the situation. You may find a man that will not discuss it, deny it, or tell you that they are over their ex. or keep certain feelings from you because they are afraid it might make you feel insecure and threatened by the truth.

 

So which would you prefer;

 

1. A man to lie to you?

 

2. A man that, although perhaps uncomfortable discussing it, will tell you the truth?

 

As to "taking things slow"; each forward step in a relationship requires that both parties are just that little bit more secure enough in the relationship to take that step and this takes time. If you rush forward too fast, the fear factor kicks in and is usually repressed up until the point it cannot be contained any further, and explodes out in full fury, inside it slowly nibbles away until that explosion that ends up inevitably destroying the relationship.

 

That's what I think when friends tell me to move on and find someone else. I think a lot of people obviously have previous partners and this is not uncommon.

 

His ex, although our only issue, I was never insecure or upset by the fact that he mentioned her at the start. The fact that he did made me less worried as to what had gone on cos he had been so open and honest. There was a part of me that though, 3 years; he may not be over her, but he seemed happy, said he was, and I was, so I didnt question it. I figured he wouldnt be with me if he didnt want to be and that was all that mattered.

 

I understand how hard it is to try and get over someone and we didnt have a massive fight or anything, we're both not really that sort. Thats what great about him, is that we both are similair in personality respect. We can just talk and I dont think I have been that open with someone before, (apart from friends of course).

 

I think by me being so honest (telling him how I feel and what want) at the end, cos I thought at least its one less thing for him to be confused about, and him being so opne about things with me, has complicated things all the more. because we both tend to read into things a lot too.

 

I dont' really know what to do. My heart is telling me to still see him, but not make it a big priority like it was, but my head is full of the possibilities that people have said about him using me and all that kind of stuff. The stereotypical stuff. Though I dont think he is that type of person. I just know that it'll be hard to still see him cos of how things were before.

He hasnt even contacted me since saturday, we'd normally speak every day, and I dont want to overstep the mark on his 'taking things slow'. Plus I dont want to be just his convenient thing, I told him this, he said that I'm not. but Im starting to feel like I am or will be.

 

How would go about 'taking things slow' - do I leave it all up to him? He knows how I feel and hes told me how he does. I dont' know....

 

What would you suggest I do? It seems you are advising me to try things...? I dont know, he's still kept pictures up of us on his facebook (I know its trivial), he deleted ones of his ex straight away.

 

Any more help would be great?

xxxx

Edited January 26, 2010 by xyoungforeternityx

[Simon Attwood]

 

How would go about 'taking things slow' - do I leave it all up to him? He knows how I feel and hes told me how he does. I dont' know....

 

What would you suggest I do? It seems you are advising me to try things...? I dont know, he's still kept pictures up of us on his facebook (I know its trivial), he deleted ones of his ex straight away.

 

Any more help would be great?

xxxx

 

 

I'm not going to make any suggestions or choices for you, they are your choices to make.

 

The future, by it's very nature, is full of doubts and uncertainties and nothing can change that. No one can see in to the future, as much as we try. We can't even get the weather right a week in advance so what hope have we of being able to predict our future lives?

 

In the end, it's up to you.

 

good luck.