Elemental75 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 The problem is, I have been hurt, and very badly. I'm now in a relationship with a new guy whom I like very much, but my 'issues' occasionally crop up and make things difficult. I am mistrustful and occasionally insecure, even though I am capable of rationalising about it, and he's patient. Does anyone have any tips on how you go about loving like you've never been hurt? Because I am finding it a challenge
counterman Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 It is normal to feel that way and it's awesome how he's being patient and, I assume, supportive. I wouldn't recommend starting a relationship until you're full heal from your break-up/s but, seeing as you have already, just take things slow and talk to him about it. If he really likes you, he'll understand and he'll reassure you that things are okay. However, you also have to not focus on much on the relationship, don't devote every waking hour to it but rather continue to have your own space and time to do your own things such as hang out with friends, watch tv, exercise, etc. This will make you feel good about yourself and takes your minds of things that you might otherwise be preoccupied with e.g. insecurities. It also makes you feel better about him.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 It is normal to feel that way and it's awesome how he's being patient and, I assume, supportive. I wouldn't recommend starting a relationship until you're full heal from your break-up/s but, seeing as you have already, just take things slow and talk to him about it. If he really likes you, he'll understand and he'll reassure you that things are okay. However, you also have to not focus on much on the relationship, don't devote every waking hour to it but rather continue to have your own space and time to do your own things such as hang out with friends, watch tv, exercise, etc. This will make you feel good about yourself and takes your minds of things that you might otherwise be preoccupied with e.g. insecurities. It also makes you feel better about him. Agreed. It's difficult, but the thing is, when you're still recovering from previous hurts, that's baggage you are taking into a relationship with you. You need to heal first before you can move on. I would recommend taking it slow, and easy, maybe just date, instead of the R? Give yourself time, and don't feel the pressure to be over it all just yet.One day, you will be, but it takes time.
tami-chan Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 "love like you haven't been hurt?".... I wish, boy, do I wish........BUT...frankly, I do not have that much faith in love....it's too volatile, unstable.... You have to have something more practical and substantial, other than love...
Clep Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 The problem is, I have been hurt, and very badly. I'm now in a relationship with a new guy whom I like very much, but my 'issues' occasionally crop up and make things difficult. I am mistrustful and occasionally insecure, even though I am capable of rationalising about it, and he's patient. Does anyone have any tips on how you go about loving like you've never been hurt? Because I am finding it a challenge I remind myself often that this relationship is not my last, the person is different and the situation different. I definitely want to learn from my past relationship, not live it currently.
Satisfaction Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Think about each issue and decide the best way to heal from it. talk through them with your friends or on here.
ella23 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 "love like you haven't been hurt?".... I wish, boy, do I wish........BUT...frankly, I do not have that much faith in love....it's too volatile, unstable.... You have to have something more practical and substantial, other than love... so true. OP, I don't have any advice but I understand to an extent. I have issues and they are stopping me from getting more emotionally involved with my boyfriend.
threebyfate Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 If you look back on past loves, each love and relationship is different. To suggest that you can and will react the same way with a different individual, at a different time, isn't possible. Having said that, everyone posting in this thread or reading LS, has survived past relationships and hurt of some form. It's up to you to learn something from the past, about yourself and what works for you, and move on, rather than holding onto pain and insecurity.
Agoraphobianebula Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I think the trick of it is to trust yourself to be able to handle and weather a broken heart. Accept that love and hurt often go hand in hand. Hurt is the recessive gene of Love. Sometimes it just lays dormant in the system, sometimes it skips relationships but sometimes it also rears its ugly head agressively. There are no guarantees in love. You don't know 100% that the person you're with will never hurt you. But you should know and trust 100% that if they did, you will survive it. This mentality helps you to leg go of past disapppointment and to love freely. In other words, don't make it about the guy, make it about you. I think this is what makes people dust themselves up each time they get hurt and keep moving forward.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I'm not sure anyone who has truly been hurt can go back to loving in that carefree way we did before our hearts were ripped out. The best I can do is realize that whomever I choose to date now has a clean slate and to not judge them or blame them for what other guys have put me through. I do have to work hard to realize that not all men are the same (although, judging from the last several guys I've been out with, I'm starting to wonder.......lol)
meerkat stew Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 The trick is learning from our baggage and experience without -navigating- relationships using it, to keep our eyes open without allowing preconceived notions from the past to color our actions toward someone who did nothing to deserve the preconceived notion. Very easy to type, extremely difficult to do consistently.
Author Elemental75 Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 I think the trick of it is to trust yourself to be able to handle and weather a broken heart. Accept that love and hurt often go hand in hand. Hurt is the recessive gene of Love. Sometimes it just lays dormant in the system, sometimes it skips relationships but sometimes it also rears its ugly head agressively. There are no guarantees in love. You don't know 100% that the person you're with will never hurt you. But you should know and trust 100% that if they did, you will survive it. This mentality helps you to leg go of past disapppointment and to love freely. In other words, don't make it about the guy, make it about you. I think this is what makes people dust themselves up each time they get hurt and keep moving forward. All of this is absolutely true. I do think that you have to be the best you can be in each relationship, and not let your scars show, or at least not let them dominate. I have doubted my ability to survive another bad experience, and I've had serious doubts about my own judgment in relationships/where men are concerned. But I also know that focusing on all that is unproductive and likely to cause difficulties. I know in my heart that love is about choice and freedom, not coercion. You can't 'make' someone love you, nor can you 'make' them faithful. It's a choice they have, irrespective of your desires. It's an incredibly difficult thing
Author Elemental75 Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 I'm not sure anyone who has truly been hurt can go back to loving in that carefree way we did before our hearts were ripped out. The best I can do is realize that whomever I choose to date now has a clean slate and to not judge them or blame them for what other guys have put me through. I do have to work hard to realize that not all men are the same (although, judging from the last several guys I've been out with, I'm starting to wonder.......lol) Crazy Magnet, thanks for your reply. What worries me is: 1. I am concerned I go for a particular type of guy who is perhaps predisposed to be hurtful 2. That by being so hypervigilant for 'red flags' that in fact I'm being mean-spirited and spoiling things. It's very difficult to find a balance!
Author Elemental75 Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 so true. OP, I don't have any advice but I understand to an extent. I have issues and they are stopping me from getting more emotionally involved with my boyfriend. Ella, I guess it's a fine line between listening to your gut, and realizing that sometimes your gut and adrenal glands are in overdrive. I have huge difficulties trusting, and I'm in a LDR, so these issues are to the fore, and I'm really being tested. I am trying to keep as positive as possible, to be easy on myself and at the same time to be disciplined. I think you have to be able to take as much time as you need. I think that is key.
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