How do I tell husband going to see MM in UK--I have told him now

January 25, 2010

all is well i posted what happened in the other thread so don't need any more advice

January 25, 2010

I am so glad you told him. It was the right thing to do.

I am shocked he agreed to lie to your kids. If something happens and he lied to them about where you are...

Now start divorce proceedings. Like someone else suggested you can still start the divorce process regardless of being married.

What are the divorce laws where you live. He sounded too nice about this. Are you sure this is not a set up to claim abandonment of the kids and adultery. Flying off to another country for a tryst would sure cver that.

Good luck with this guy. I think you are honestly in for a huge heartbreak. Sorry. If you were thinking rationally and not with that "inlove" feeling you would realize that. How many times have you seen him in person?

January 25, 2010

I would bet almost anything that it will be fun for a minute...Then you will be racked with guilt...Giving up your family for someone off AFF...Priceless...No disrespect intended...You already took care of that...

January 25, 2010

Oxford, enjoy your trip. I am certain you will have a marvelous time. And your husband seems like such a great guy, who wants you well in life. I figured out what the English equivalent is to the saying I posted earlier:

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

:bunny:

January 25, 2010

green goddess now your questioning how my husband reacted......you are questioning everything--I can't win for losing with you. I hardly think i am abandoning my children and significant other with a return ticket--

WE have chosen to deal with this rationally(me and husband) my marriage was in trouble before MM.

If anything MM has shown me how unhappy i was so if it doesn't work out than i will have been able to move forward in an otherwise way that i may not have of.

Perhaps this mm with be a transitory person i don't have a crystal ball.

This is my forth visit with MM--we have been to each others country.

I think actually my husband and i could live in the same house indefinatly if we wanted to...and i would be fine with it but what does that show the kids that its ok to live like that.

I am hoping that one day i will be able to have them understand that sacrificing your own happiness kills you bit by bit everyday and that you should do what you can do seek it. I have not been married just a few years and have wandered. Married since 1991 and yes some of them happy but alot of them we just grated each other. My parents live that same kind of life--just together as tthey don't want to be alone. Happiness does not shine from their faces.

Just as you can't believe how genuine my husband is who i have know for so long you also can't believe how i could know the difference between what i feel for someone that i have know for over a year know--.

Yes AFF wasn't the best site--but if you do read the reviews of the site --we both went off site before December 2008 but all sites have there issues and yes its not a "dating" site i didn't want to date--I wanted to see stuff that was lacking in my relationship to see if I wasn't dead in that area as i sure felt it.

Again i am a good person with 2 degrees behiind my name a job that i have been with for 17 years-a marriage of 15 years and i show commitment in all areas. Two children that i will have to see everyother week but when i am with them I will be "with them" happy-

Not everything in life is textbook, not all people are deceitful we just try and do our best with what we have. Circumstances aren't ideal all the time but we try.

We try our best to understand each person's situation . I have no idea how or what has happened to you. I don't have to justify anything and certainly that was not my intention of asking how to tell my husband i was leaving to go , I hope that expecting and hoping for goodness leads me to that -not a pessimistic view of things.

The statistics for relationships that start as affairs are 3% success. Low rates I know . If i had cancer and was given that statistic what would i do--I would plan with all my might to be in the 3%!!!!

thanks all for your input- everyone.

January 25, 2010

No I think you did the right thing telling him. I'd just be careful, that's all. Bs's can be sneaky too and just wait for the right time to pounce. Especially when they have been deceived by an affair.

It's never good to stay for the kids. It's not good for the kids to see dad down the basement. Time to pack it in.

Good luck to you. You know what you want and are going into it with your eyes wide open.

I was just curious how many times you have actually seen him in real life. I personally just can't imagine being in love with someone I've only seen face to face four times but that's just me. I guess I'm just not as romantic.

January 25, 2010

No I think you did the right thing telling him. I'd just be careful, that's all. Bs's can be sneaky too and just wait for the right time to pounce. Especially when they have been deceived by an affair.

It's never good to stay for the kids. It's not good for the kids to see dad down the basement. Time to pack it in.

Good luck to you. You know what you want and are going into it with your eyes wide open.

I was just curious how many times you have actually seen him in real life. I personally just can't imagine being in love with someone I've only seen face to face four times but that's just me. I guess I'm just not as romantic.

I was in love with My MM long before I ever was in the same room with him. By the time we first held hands or kissed, by the time he first carressed my cheek, we were in love, and that moment we first touched.. I remember it like yesterday.. it was magical.. I am sorry for you that you are not able to understand loving someone's soul... even if you have never held their hand.

Part of what is wrong with so many relationships today is that people meet, fu*k (no it is not "making love" when you have sex in the first week of knowing someone ), and then decide to try to 'get to know each other", after they are already shacked up.

Taking your time, and opening up your heart and soul to them, and them to you is best done without a lot of physical contact, even if that physical contact is keep to a minimum.

My love affair with My MM started out as us being the best of friends, learning to trust each other with our deepest desires, and learning to love each other with all of our flaws. And it was done without so much as a handshake.. over the period of 11 or so years.

Again, our first touch.. he walked up behind me, put his arms around me, and held me while we both cried... when I turned around and he touched my face.. I knew what truly being loved felt like.... :love:

I hope someday you can experience a love like that.. knowing that even if you NEVER touch, you can completely love someone, with your soul.

P.S. I don't know about you, but in my REAL LIFE I communicate with my loved ones many different ways.. in person, on the phone, internet, snail mail... all of those ways are part of my REAL LIFE, that communication does not take place in OZ or Neverland!

January 25, 2010

I was in love with My MM long before I ever was in the same room with him. By the time we first held hands or kissed, by the time he first carressed my cheek, we were in love, and that moment we first touched.. I remember it like yesterday.. it was magical.. I am sorry for you that you are not able to understand loving someone's soul... even if you have never held their hand.

Part of what is wrong with so many relationships today is that people meet, fu*k (no it is not "making love" when you have sex in the first week of knowing someone ), and then decide to try to 'get to know each other", after they are already shacked up.

Taking your time, and opening up your heart and soul to them, and them to you is best done without a lot of physical contact, even if that physical contact is keep to a minimum.

My love affair with My MM started out as us being the best of friends, learning to trust each other with our deepest desires, and learning to love each other with all of our flaws. And it was done without so much as a handshake.. over the period of 11 or so years.

Again, our first touch.. he walked up behind me, put his arms around me, and held me while we both cried... when I turned around and he touched my face.. I knew what truly being loved felt like.... :love:

I hope someday you can experience a love like that.. knowing that even if you NEVER touch, you can completely love someone, with your soul.

P.S. I don't know about you, but in my REAL LIFE I communicate with my loved ones many different ways.. in person, on the phone, internet, snail mail... all of those ways are part of my REAL LIFE, that communication does not take place in OZ or Neverland!

:laugh:

What's wrong with this picture?

Oh yea he's married!

January 25, 2010

:laugh:

What's wrong with this picture?

Oh yea he's married!

Fortunately that can be cured

January 25, 2010

:laugh:

What's wrong with this picture?

Oh yea he's married!

LOL.. and your point?

That changes his love for me how exactly? Oh yeah, that is right.. it changes it by making him long for me when we are apart.. it makes him supremely happy to spend as much time with me as possible, it makes him want to spend his time with me...

Like I said in the other thread, I am not the one getting crumbs, I get all the best parts of him... the him that is where he WANTS to be, not the him who is where he feels OBLIGATED to be..

January 25, 2010

apparently in todays world unless you tell people no matter what that they are good people you are considered mean.

Well I posted something about how actions not resumes make people good or bad and it got erased.

January 25, 2010

Taking your time, and opening up your heart and soul to them, and them to you is best done without a lot of physical contact, even if that physical contact is keep to a minimum.

My love affair with My MM started out as us being the best of friends, learning to trust each other with our deepest desires, and learning to love each other with all of our flaws. And it was done without so much as a handshake.. over the period of 11 or so years.

Again, our first touch.. he walked up behind me, put his arms around me, and held me while we both cried... when I turned around and he touched my face.. I knew what truly being loved felt like.... :love:

I hope someday you can experience a love like that.. knowing that even if you NEVER touch, you can completely love someone, with your soul.

P.S. I don't know about you, but in my REAL LIFE I communicate with my loved ones many different ways.. in person, on the phone, internet, snail mail... all of those ways are part of my REAL LIFE, that communication does not take place in OZ or Neverland!

Hmmm so you were best friends for over 11 years with one another sharing your souls but in all that time he never tld you he was married?????

I became an OW without knowing that is what I was getting. I thought I was in an EA for well over a year with an available man. It never went to PA until I was five months out of my marriage. Then WHAM, learned I was OW as opposed to girlfriend. I mean, he had introduced me to his buddies as his girlfriend. They all knew he was married... I was the last to know. UGH. If only I had known before I offered my heart up to him on a silver platter, I would never have been here...

January 25, 2010

Hmmm so you were best friends for over 11 years with one another sharing your souls but in all that time he never tld you he was married?????

Nope, he didn't tell me... *shrug* When we were just friends, it was unimportant, as apparently she is not such a big and important part of his life. All those years, all the things he did, never once was she important enough to the story of what was happening in his life for him to talk about her. And that was long before there was a romantic interest between us.

Should he have told me prior to our becoming romantically involved, absolutely.. he dosn't get a free pass for that. But when he talks to our mutual friends, he talks often about me and things that the two of us share, but he speaks very little about his wife to anyone. They have lived very separate lives for a long time, there just doesn't seem to be a whole lot there to share.

January 25, 2010

Nope, he didn't tell me... *shrug* When we were just friends, it was unimportant, as apparently she is not such a big and important part of his life. All those years, all the things he did, never once was she important enough to the story of what was happening in his life for him to talk about her. And that was long before there was a romantic interest between us.

Should he have told me prior to our becoming romantically involved, absolutely.. he dosn't get a free pass for that. But when he talks to our mutual friends, he talks often about me and things that the two of us share, but he speaks very little about his wife to anyone. They have lived very separate lives for a long time, there just doesn't seem to be a whole lot there to share.

OMG him being married was unimportant for him to tell you for 11 years? Fallen angel step back and look at this objectively. You talk about how much love and trust you developed from sharing his soul with you and oops oh yea I'm married and he convinces you it's because she is unimportant? No being married is not unimportant.

January 25, 2010

OxfordSocks, do you really think your the guy you are visiting is that interested? Is he paying for your ticket? I remember from an older post of yours that he didn't sound that invested. 5days isnt long either. Is it really worth throwing away a M and alienating your kids over some random guys who's not that into you?

And yes, tell your H.

January 25, 2010

green goddess now your questioning how my husband reacted......you are questioning everything--I can't win for losing with you. I hardly think i am abandoning my children and significant other with a return ticket--
WE have chosen to deal with this rationally(me and husband) my marriage was in trouble before MM.
If anything MM has shown me how unhappy i was so if it doesn't work out than i will have been able to move forward in an otherwise way that i may not have of.
Perhaps this mm with be a transitory person i don't have a crystal ball.
This is my forth visit with MM--we have been to each others country.
I think actually my husband and i could live in the same house indefinatly if we wanted to...and i would be fine with it but what does that show the kids that its ok to live like that.
I am hoping that one day i will be able to have them understand that sacrificing your own happiness kills you bit by bit everyday and that you should do what you can do seek it. I have not been married just a few years and have wandered. Married since 1991 and yes some of them happy but alot of them we just grated each other. My parents live that same kind of life--just together as tthey don't want to be alone. Happiness does not shine from their faces.
Just as you can't believe how genuine my husband is who i have know for so long you also can't believe how i could know the difference between what i feel for someone that i have know for over a year know--.
Yes AFF wasn't the best site--but if you do read the reviews of the site --we both went off site before December 2008 but all sites have there issues and yes its not a "dating" site i didn't want to date--I wanted to see stuff that was lacking in my relationship to see if I wasn't dead in that area as i sure felt it.
Again i am a good person with 2 degrees behiind my name a job that i have been with for 17 years-a marriage of 15 years and i show commitment in all areas. Two children that i will have to see everyother week but when i am with them I will be "with them" happy-
Not everything in life is textbook, not all people are deceitful we just try and do our best with what we have. Circumstances aren't ideal all the time but we try.
We try our best to understand each person's situation . I have no idea how or what has happened to you. I don't have to justify anything and certainly that was not my intention of asking how to tell my husband i was leaving to go , I hope that expecting and hoping for goodness leads me to that -not a pessimistic view of things.
The statistics for relationships that start as affairs are 3% success. Low rates I know . If i had cancer and was given that statistic what would i do--I would plan with all my might to be in the 3%!!!!
thanks all for your input- everyone.

oxfordsocks , be postive & best of luck

January 25, 2010

You will want to make sure when you get back that your kids have someone to talk to about this. Paint it any way you want - kids do not see stuff like this as "a way for Mom to be happy". They see it as "Mom threw our Dad away and ditched us down to part time kids for some random married guy she met on a sex site."

Think that sounds unreasonable? You can ask your kids, but what they really think, they would never say to your face. Children, even young teenagers are not emotionally developed to the point to be able to see something like this as 'for the best', and they also aren't equipped to feel comfortable telling you the truth about how they really feel either. They feel angry, and guilty for feeling angry, humiliated over the circumstances, and scared to express any of those emotions.

You have your bases covered and are going to be happy in the 'here and now'. Your husband clearly doesn't care either way what you do, but your KIDS - consider giving them some sort of objective outlet to talk to and don't bury your head in the sand and assume that you'll be "modeling happy separated parents" and all will be well.

Edited January 25, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

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