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If your new boyfriend says these things, what do you do?

purplehouse

By purplehouse
in General Relationship Discussion

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purplehouse Member

purplehouse

Posted
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So the guy i have been seeing since October who recently made things official (we have known and liked eachother for 1 year prior) tells me that

he is always very wary of relationships.

 

He said its not due to previous relationships its just the way he has always been. He said that he has said i love you twice and it took him more than a year to say it and that if i am looking for 'the one' to settle with then he is not the guy for me.

He said he doesnt' just say wimsical things like 'we'll be together forever' etc..... he doesn't plan the future, and he is very casual about things. It's who he is, its his nature.

He says he doesn't see himself getting married or having kids...

Im the same, i don't want to get married... but i have kids. He likes children though and is great with them. He has not met mine yet as i feel it's a bit soon. Plus they are at their fathers half the time.

 

He also said for him, 'relationships don't work and he and the girl always end up hurt' and he hates it.

 

he said he should be on an island with his boat.........because it never works. he kinda laughed but basically meant it never works so whats the point???

 

I guess his motto is 'let's see what happens'.

 

I don't know what to think. I agree that we shoulod 'see what happens', i mean what else can you do????

 

I enjoy our time together, he is wonderful to be around and we are compatible in many ways. I am a little the opposite though. I like to plan, i like to know where i stand. I am happy to do my own thing and i am not clingy although i do miss him a lot when we are apart....but i leave him be as he loves his fishing and is very passionate about it so i make sure he goes fishing. I also enjoy time to myself too...

 

Are these red flags??? could you date someone who can't see past next month...... i guess it's early.

 

Not sure what i am really asking but things with him are incredible but there is this side to him that make me wonder what i am doing??

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted

Yes, they are red flags.

Five, or 10, or 20 years from now, you're gonna be saying, "Darn! I shoulda listened to myself back in January 2010!!!" :)

 

It's tough, ain't it? I mean...isn't it more like there are ALWAYS a few "red flags"? I think human nature is such that we just are an optimistic bunch, and we just keep hoping for the best.

 

And sometimes it works out just fine, when we do that :bunny:

But he IS telling you that your wise move would be to NOT place even the smallest expectation on him, as far as a long-term love relationship. That's easy to do now...but would you still be okay with this exact same 'level' of relationship in 5, or 10, or 20 years' time?

 

I kind of think that I get what you're asking. And I kind of think that you know your easier option is to walk away now than later. But. We are an optimistic bunch, and we just keep hoping for the best.

 

There is also a case to made to just be happy with him for as long as it lasts...and then decide what to do after that.

 

It's tough, ain't it? :(

D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

Posted
Posted

Yes, those are huge red flags.

When people make disclaimers at the beginning of a relationship- they are already pre-planning a way out.

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

Posted
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I just got married to a guy who said, almost word for word, most of the same ****.

 

:rolleyes:

 

Ahhhh those melodramatic bold statements!

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purplehouse Member

purplehouse

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I think he might be a commitment phobe to be honest.

 

The funny things is he has only had long term relationships.....:confused:

 

Its a shame, cause he is an amazing guy for so many reasons. We have lot's of fun and the tension that built during the year of knowing and liking eachother is crazy. We are getting quite close and when we kiss it is very intense. He told me know one has ever kissed him the way i do.....he gets goosbumps sometimes.

 

He bought me a Christmas present ( we weren't official yet) and he spent new years eve with my family and I at a party my sister had. He had a great time and really likes my family. He couldn't believe how they are so similar to his.

 

Anyway, he does like his freedom so to speak. He's not the type to want to get tied down. He did it for 3 years with his ex and wasn't truly happy as he lost himself pretty much. She was very controlling.

 

It's hard because he has been very sweet and very into me and i am starting to fall for him. I'm not inlove, i know the difference. But i like him very much and am not sure what to do.

 

I have stepped back slightly, just to gve him breathing space. I fell a little annoyed because he didn't tell me those things until AFTER he asked to make it official......

Jersey Shortie Established Member

Jersey Shortie

Posted
Posted

Red Flags. As D-Lish said. He doesn't want any responsiblity. It's basically all about him. If you are cool with that, that's up to you. However, I think most women would want to move on.

fiatflux Member

fiatflux

Posted
Posted

I don't think they are necessarily red flags. It sounds to me like he has been burned and is afraid of getting too invested and getting hurt again. Just take it one day at a time and try not to "overthink" about where the relationship is headed at this point in time.

skydiveaddict Established Member

skydiveaddict

Posted
Posted
I don't think they are necessarily red flags. It sounds to me like he has been burned and is afraid of getting too invested and getting hurt again. Just take it one day at a time and try not to "overthink" about where the relationship is headed at this point in time.

 

 

Yes I agree. Getting burned sucks and women get over it much faster than men.

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
Posted

When a man tells you things like this, take it at face value, never try to read some 'reverse meaning' into it, and either keep it casual with your options open (without him as a long term option), or simply walk away.

SuburbanOblivion Established Member

SuburbanOblivion

Posted
Posted

Red flags? No. Excruciatingly honest? Yes.

 

He's flat out telling you he doesn't want a serious, committed relationship. Couldn't be any clearer.

 

Question is can you live with that, or are you hoping/planning to try to change his mind?

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

Posted
Posted
When a man tells you things like this, take it at face value, never try to read some 'reverse meaning' into it, and either keep it casual with your options open (without him as a long term option), or simply walk away.
Agreed. Never look to potential in a partner. If you're looking to potential, you're looking to change someone, which might or might not happen.
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