After 27 years husband leaves with a letter

[whatnow1451]

My husband of 27 years left the day after Christmas. All he left was a letter. Found out later he is having an affair/living with an employee who reports to him (he is her boss). Before I knew he was gone, he had sent an e-mail to his family and letters to mine annoucing the split. He did all of this prior to telling me and his own 3 adult children (24, 21 & 19) about the split. He left me to tell them. He won't talk to me and is very mean in the little bits of information I do receive. When I asked him if he wanted to tell the kids together, I received a text stating that "he was physically and emotional exhausted". This behavior is not like him. He is a total stranger to me. He is a recovering alchoholic, and was very bad one at that. In the past, he has disappeared when drinking. Do not know if he is drinking again at this point. It has now been 4 weeks and I am moving on. He is giving me money to run the house, he is living on almost nothing. Not sure how long is girlfried will put up with that. This may be the dumbest question in the world, but do I get a lawyer and file for divorce immediately? He has made it very clear that he is done. Just don't know what to do at this point. This hit me out of the blue. Now that I look back, there were signs in the past few months, but never did I suspect to be treated in this manner by him. Any advice from someone who is thinking clearer than I am?

[Ronni_W]

Big hugs. I really don't even have words for his behaviour. It's beyond appalling. I wonder if he's still able to look at himself in the mirror.

 

In any case, yes, do start interviewing lawyers and hire the one that feels best. You don't have to start the divorce until you are ready to do that, but you do need to get informed about what steps to take to protect your and your children's rights and interests.

 

If I could suggest some loss/grief counseling, as well. Whether with a therapist or faith-based. It's perfectly understandable if you are in shock, and having a professional to help you through it can be invaluable.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[WonderingWhy]

Lawyer- Very good idea

Counselor- Even better idea

 

And don't forget, Keep your head up, Keep smiling, and always remember this is not your fault..

[nobmagnet]

hello What now,

 

welcome to love shack......sorry your herr but im pleased you found it. Hugs

 

i would like if i may to say it sounds an awful thing . He was an Alcaholic and you must( and your kids) put up with so much before this. I would if i may say suggest thinking of the positve aspects of him leaving?? He has made a choice and its not you responsibility to protect him any more. Look after you and yours. Try to work out if you want him back and why, because if you are honest.................one list will be big and one tiny. Then when you have some sort of basis (this will swing as 20= years is impossible to forget over night) you will have a plan.

 

keep posting darling

 

nobby xx

[whatnow1451]

I met with a lawyer today. This is all so scary for me. He is hiding. No one actually sees him. He drops off checks at the house in the middle of the day and texts/e-mails the kids. Seldom actually talks to them. Last night was his mother's birthday. My daughter went to the little get together. Her father did not show up. Apparently, he went to see his mother in the afternoon. This is so weird. Why is he hiding from his own family? It is like a puzzle with a missing piece. Something is so off about all of this.

[Ronni_W]

Why is he hiding from his own family? It is like a puzzle with a missing piece. Something is so off about all of this.

Hugs.

It could be anything. Guilt, shame, embarrassment. The onset of a mental-psychological problem. Maybe he's started drinking again. Maybe there was a serious financial setback. It could be anything.

 

What did his mother observe when she saw him in the afternoon? What are her intuitions and deeper thoughts/feelings about how her son is acting? Does she deeply believe that he is doing okay (under the circumstances) or that he may need medical or psychological help?

 

It sounds as if, right now, she is the only one who may be able to shed any light on anything (given that she at least had a recent face-to-face with him.)

 

Hopefully she will cooperate with you, and answer those types of questions.

Best of luck.

[whatnow1451]

Well, he finally called. He says he is not drinking, just has not been happy for a very long time. Admitted that this is not all my fault. He is at fault too. Says no one understands the relationship he has with this employee. Apparently, she gets him. Really? I mean they have been involved for 6 months. He is her boss. He is living with her at this time. They cannot be seen in public together and our adult children want no part of her. She has a very shady past. Not his type of thing at all. What am I missing? Is it just the sex? He said that he is happy and miserable at the same time. He also is feeling very guilty, but will not change his mind. At this point, with all of the lies and deception, I would not be able to reconcile anyway. I just can't wrap my head around the whole thing. He is50 and I am 48. What is the allure with this type relationship? I just don't get it............

[Butterflair]

Wow, your story is similar to mine except that your husband was man enough to leave on his own, I had to ask for the divorce and make mine move out. Mine is now living with a 27 yr old (his is 51) woman who used to be my son's girlfriend when they were in High School. Now she is my husband's girlfriend. My children want no part of her and he is telling everyone they are house mates. Like you, I'm beyond reconciliation and I can't understand any of this. I feel horrible for what I had to do yet I had no other choice, I can't live with him while he's sowing his oats. The trust is gone and I feel so used now.

 

What is the allure? From what I can tell, he likes the attention and having someone young who needs him. She adores him and takes care of him. He thinks she is making him happy but will probably see that fade soon. I think these men are having other "midlife" issues and have to sort themselves out. I don't think it's about sex or the affair, it's something deeper.

 

I filed for separation very quickly but can't divorce for a year. This isn't my first time dealing with his affair but it will be my last. He has a lot of growing up to do and I have life that needs to be less stressful. The best I can tell you is to not try to make sense of it, you can't. Just let me do what he needs to do and you take the steps to get on with your life. Take your lawyer's advice and get your separation legal and take steps to divorce. You have to get yourself on track and take care of you. As someone told me, it's time to be selfish and look out for what you want.

[whammy2]

I thought I could dodge the whole mid - life cliche. After 27 years of marriage I walked out on my wife to be with a much younger woman - the greener grass and all that. That was 8 years ago. 8 months ago she told me it was over because I still provided financial help to W was in contact with her - I'm talking a happy birthday or such text here and there.

Just found out the one I disrupted my families' life for became engaged 6 months after dumping me to someone much younger, and in my mind, so much better in EVERY way. Hurts like hell. But now she's got the commitment of the life long promise that the ring represents. hmmm...

 

What I've learned over 8 years is that one just doesn't leave quarter century of life behind and forget that it ever existed. Easy at first, but when the shine wears off the new one will want a commitment - emotionally and financially, probably a lot sooner than 8 years. He will say" what the hell was I thinking "

 

Now I'm seeing my wife again, thinking about re-building. it's hard, who knows. You can't pick up where you left off - who'd want to? Marriage changes it's shape over time.

Hard to believe she'd even consider re-building as I've made her life hell for the past 8 years .

Some humans are better than others.

[kuma]

I thought I could dodge the whole mid - life cliche. After 27 years of marriage I walked out on my wife to be with a much younger woman - the greener grass and all that. That was 8 years ago. 8 months ago she told me it was over because I still provided financial help to W was in contact with her - I'm talking a happy birthday or such text here and there.

Just found out the one I disrupted my families' life for became engaged 6 months after dumping me to someone much younger, and in my mind, so much better in EVERY way. Hurts like hell. But now she's got the commitment of the life long promise that the ring represents. hmmm...

 

What I've learned over 8 years is that one just doesn't leave quarter century of life behind and forget that it ever existed. Easy at first, but when the shine wears off the new one will want a commitment - emotionally and financially, probably a lot sooner than 8 years. He will say" what the hell was I thinking "

 

Now I'm seeing my wife again, thinking about re-building. it's hard, who knows. You can't pick up where you left off - who'd want to? Marriage changes it's shape over time.

Hard to believe she'd even consider re-building as I've made her life hell for the past 8 years .

Some humans are better than others.

 

I don't think seeing your wife is a good idea. You're not over your ex-gf. I've read your other posts. What if your ex-gf wants you again? Are you going to dump your wife AGAIN?

[Angel1111]

He said that he is happy and miserable at the same time. He also is feeling very guilty, but will not change his mind.

 

You don't want him coming back to you out of a sense of guilt, anyway. He feels guilty for leaving, even though it makes him feel better to have done so. He knows that you and the kids and his family are going to judge him for it. But, for whatever reason, he has apparently been very unhappy for a long time. Even if the relationship with this OW doesn't last, it may be that it gave him the guts to walk away. He needs to move on with his life. If it's not right after 27 yrs, it's just not worth it anymore.

 

I'm guessing that you probably weren't happy either. You know, my cousin just left her husband after 38 yrs. I mean, seriously, why do people do this to themselves? I know this must be really difficult for you but he has done you a favor. One day, you'll look back and, even though you'll cherish the good times with him, you'll know that your marriage reached its shelf life probably a long time before it ended. This is a new chapter for you, too. You're still young and have a lot of life to live happily.

[whatnow1451]

You are right. At this point there is no turning back and no, things were not perfect all. However, I am mourning the dreams of the future that have now died. I just can't get past the betrayal and cruelty in the way he did this. And then there are the little things that just stab me in the heart all over again. Such as hearing that he is bowling with her and his "new" children. How long does the pain last? Years, months??

[Angel1111]

You are right. At this point there is no turning back and no, things were not perfect all. However, I am mourning the dreams of the future that have now died. I just can't get past the betrayal and cruelty in the way he did this. And then there are the little things that just stab me in the heart all over again. Such as hearing that he is bowling with her and his "new" children. How long does the pain last? Years, months??

 

I can imagine this all must be truly heartbreaking for you. I believe he's acting in this cruel way because if he didn't, he wouldn't be able to follow-thru with what he wants to do. I don't know how long it will hurt, but it may be awhile for you. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. Relationships can blindside us in so many ways.

[floridapad]

whatnow

 

This is such a tough time. The hardest part. Everyone will tell you it gets better. It's true it does. But..... Only if you're willing to move forward. Every person has a bit of masochism inside. They want to know why could this happen, how could this happen. You won't find the answers from him. He is one messed up guy. That's it. The longer you dwell on it, the longer it takes to heal.

 

He will regret his decisions. No doubt. Absolutely no doubt. Affair relationships don't last. He is really messed up and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing!!! All you can do is give him the rope to hang himself. What is that rope you ask? ( I'm so glad you asked :-). YOU living your life. It takes time to get there but you will.

 

Small story for you. One day when I was talking to my counselor the only piece of lame advice she gave was to live one day at a time. Why was it lame? (I'm glad you asked :-). Living one day at a time is great, incredible, awesome, but if you don't have a compass, it's like a sail boat in the ocean without the sails up. The ocean will just drift you where ever it wants. She forgot to tell me about the sail!!

 

Carpe diem.....with a sail :-)

[whatnow1451]

Well, here I am again. Confused as ever. I told him that I couldn't live in this house until it sells. That may take years if I go by the history in our neighborhood. Too many memories. I will be fine all day long, but wake up sad and get sad when I come home. He had the nerve to say "you just don't want to make this easy do you?" What?? It seems as if he has written a script about how everything should happen. He lives with his girlfriend, I stay in this house and he gives me almost all of his money to maintain everything. He is just living on a $200 every couple of weeks. Am I crazy or is this just plain weird?? It has also occurred to me that the GF is not going to put up with this situation once the "glow" of their new found love cools. I may be wrong, but I sure wouldn't support him very long. I wrote a letter to him summarizing the entire situation and how he handled it. In writing, I see that he is a very selfish man, but I cannot stop thinking about the so called "happy" times. Ugh! I know that my imagination makes those times better than the reality, but cannot convince my heart. I have told him that I will only contact him about finances and that is all. Does no contact help with the healing process?? Also, he is meeting with the kids to talk about the situation. None of them are happy with him, and my oldest son, won't speak to him. Husband had wanted me to participate, but my counselor explained that this is between him and his kids. I cannot "fix" this, so I have backed out. Thanks for listening to my rants. I really am better every day, but I started out very shaky. 5 weeks is not much process at such a slow rate.

[Angel1111]

As tough as this must all be, I think moving out may be frivilous if the two of you can't support an extra rent payment, which is what you'd have if you moved out. The only other alternative may be that he live there and you move out. But if he's paying the bills and living on a minimal amount of money, I wouldn't be too quick to bail out of the house. I understand that you have memories there but if you moved somewhere else, it might feel strange to you and you'll just have different bad memories, and possibly feel misplaced. Unfortunately, financial issues continue to be a reality when going through a divorce. For him to accuse you of just not wanting to make it easy is a comment that was uncalled for, but the facts are that unless you can afford a place on your own, it doesn't make financial sense to move out of your house. And I can attest to the fact that no matter where you move to or where you live, the nights and mornings are always the toughest. It does get better, though, I can attest to that, too. And someday it won't even phase you.

 

Do you currently have a job? You know, you can repaint the walls, redecorate (inexpensively), move furniture around - something - and the house will actually feel quite a bit different, more like it's yours. If there are things there that are his, store them away, out of your sight. You'd be amazed at how effective this is. Or, take advice from the homeseller shows on HGTV - they have excellent ideas and it could get your house sold faster. Again, I understand that what you're going through is difficult but I would personally be thrilled if someone took care of expenses for me. Be glad he's not arguing with you about that because then you'd have a whole different nightmare on your hands.

Edited February 4, 2010 by Angel1111

[whatnow1451]

I do have a very good job, but really cannot support another household. Son in college, all of that. I am usually a very strong person. That may be a big part of the problem. He is superior to his employee (GF) and thinks he is so smart when around her. I am really struggling right now. Yesterday I spend most of the day crying. Why do I cry some days and I am, for the most part, ok on others? Why is it so hard for me to complete that damn paperwork I received from the lawyer and return it. I am not having contact with him right now. Sent him an e-mail outlining things I need for him to do around the house. He came, left a check and did the items I asked. I guess this is good, but really, really weird! Tomorrow, he is coming to my house to talk to our adult children (19, 21 & 25). I am leaving while this happens. I have not seen him since he left on 12/26. I just cannot get the courage to do that. Is it normal to cry and feel so sorry for myself? I am I handling the not seeing him and all of that correctly? I am asked if I would take him back if it came to that. He is very adamant that he will never come back, and I told him that I couldn't take him back. However, when I am really honest with myself in the quiet moments, I would take him back in a heartbeat. Maybe this is just due to the hurt I am feeling and I may be thinking taking him back would be so much easier than going through this pain. I mean really, leaving with a letter after 27 years??? What am I, crazy?

[Angel1111]

Yes, it's normal to cry and feel sorry for yourself. I can't imagine that this wouldn't be anything but heartbreaking and devastating to you.

 

So, who asked you that question about whether you'd take him back or not?

 

If you can't afford to live anywhere else, I highly recommend that you stay in your house. I know you've got a lot of memories there but, like I said, if you do some things to change it up, it really will help.

 

Honestly, leaving the letter was his way of not talking to you about it. Do you tend to argue with him? It may be that he felt there would be no point in discussing it or didn't want to deal with how ugly things would get. My sister did this after being married for 24 yrs. He went off to work, she left a letter and drove far, far away. She said she wasn't going to get into an argument with him and the only way he would let her leave was for her to just disappear. I don't know what it was like between you and your husband, but that might've been his motivation. Of course, the obvious reason he did it is because he's too gutless to talk to you face-to-face. Because as soon as he would tell you that he was leaving, your next question would have been, 'Are you seeing someone else?' and this is obviously not a question he wanted to answer. I really think that's why he did it.

 

The truth is, though, that my sister never went back and that was 5 yrs ago. She did say that it was really, really hard and she just wanted her old life back - but she couldn't live with her husband, so going back wasn't an option. Did you and your husband argue a lot? Did you have a tumultuous relationship? Are you really surprised that he did this, or was it out of the blue? If things were really bad between the two of you, or if you had really lost touch with one another, then it's probably very likely that he won't come back. But if things were pretty good, I suppose it's a possibility that his current relationship might fall apart and he might want to return. I don't know, though. I get the impression that he's been thinking about this for awhile. I'm just surprised that he hasn't at least discussed this with you over the phone or in some other way, now that the axe has fallen.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[You Go Girl]

Hello--sorry about this tough time in your life.

He's feeling guilty. That's why the letter. He couldn't tell you to your face. He knows he's done you wrong.

Meanwhile, young gf that relies on him for a job is in a terrible situation too. Who would date their boss? She's young and stupid...and as we all know good looks are wasted on the young who have no wisdom.

 

So she's miss agreeable I bet. She has to be! Not only because he's holding her job, but she's miss agreeable because she's so impressed by his professional standing, by his power of his years and knowledge, and wow--shouldn't she feel great that she's so attractive she broke up a long marriage? She never felt so powerful yet...what day will she wake up and realize just how powerless she is?

Yeah well all the glory will fade, and when it does it will go like the big bang.

Moving is tough. You are comfortable in your home. If you leave it before you get through this tough time--then your new place will have bad feelings in it, and you'll wish that if you were going to be miserable regardless that at least you were miserable in your own home. So don't leave until you are ready for a new beginning. If you feel that you really must move now--then do so.

But do get the house ready for the market. He can't hold you hostage in the house, and when you feel ready to start a new fresh beginning in life--that's when you put it on the market.

Separate all his stuff. Put all his stuff in the garage. Then tell him that he is not to come into the house without asking first from now on, now that it is your space only, you would like him to respect your privacy. You don't want him coming and going as he pleases.

Is there any equity in the house? You could get it all by his abandonment of the primary residence.

Move at a pace that is comfortable for you. It's your life now, you call the shots. You don't have to take into consideration what his feelings are anymore than he does yours. Just keep it civil.

I think we grieve in spurts because if we grieved it all at once it would be too much. We also get tired of crying, and some days just want to pick ourselves up and have a decent day, not a sobbing headache one. But if we didn't grieve, we'd be left with baggage and would never heal.

Seek out those who love you...abandon those who are negative energy killers.

And everyday--do something just for you. A bubble bath, a new cd, a haircut, a new outfit, a lunch with a friend, anything that is being kind to yourself.

[tnttim]

Now that's good advice. Do what she says^^^^^

[Chitowngirl]

My heart breaks for you and your situation.

I hope you get stronger every day. The pain will pass but it will take time.