adenimosh Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 My ex-boyfriend got a DWI and got such bad grades this semester that he was suspended from the university, all in the past few months. So while we were dating it was difficult to see us staying together as a result of those factors; I just didn't want to be with someone who was messing up their life. He decided immediately after finding out about his suspension to move to Houston, where his family is, so that he can get his life in order. He'd save money since he'd be living for free, go to community college and fix his grades, cut back on drinking, etc. He basically knew his problem and how to fix it since his family is the motivation and support system he needs (he only has two sisters and a grandma and is an orphan). I totally supported him with his decision because it seemed like the best thing for him and was resigned to us breaking up when he moved. But I was always nagging him to do stuff that he needed to do because I was concerned for him and I wouldn't give it a rest. Well we got in a fight, about a bunch of stuff, and the next day he said casually that he thought we shouldn't date because he would interfere with my school/life this semester and only be a distraction for me. He said he needed to deal with his problems alone and that he wanted to be single and deal with them so I don't get affected. It was so sudden, we were happy and I thought we wouldn't break up until he moved. For a little while I thought he was cheating on me with this girl he had a previous past with and who always called and texted him at inappropriate times of night. I checked his email, and she had sent him a bunch of emails talking about how she loved him so much and wanted to just lay in bed naked with him. I emailed her and told her that it was very inappropriate for her to be saying such things while we a been dating, she replied that he had never done anything inappropriate in response to her. I believe her because I know him, and I know he's a very good guy who would not do that. That was a big factor why I agreed to the break up, but now I know nothing is going on, and I miss him. I know for a fact that he hardly eats or sleeps anymore, and neither do I. I asked him to come and talk to me the other day and he said no, he's too vulnerable. He came to my housewarming party last night and left early, obviously sad. I just know, since we are both so miserable from this break up, that all we want is to be together even though he is a distraction to my school and I nag and he needs to gt his life in order. Coming form what kind of upbringing he had (foster homes, alcoholic mother who died of cancer, sisters ran away when he was little), I am so proud of him that he's moving to Houston and turning his life around and not just dropping out of school. I don't know what the solution to the problem is, but I know that neither of us is happy right now being broken up, and I keep asking him to talk. He doesn't respond to anything serious I text or email him, only to superficial friendly small-talk. He's trying to avoid talking seriously with me but he doesn't avoid me, we still hang out in the same social settings and the other day he asked me out to lunch, just as friends. He won't talk serious issues with me, like he's afraid of me or something, I guess because he's "vulnerable." I'm not sure. What should I do? Let this go and allow the break up to continue? Or should I keep trying to talk to him? I know we are both unhappy with this but he seems pretty convinced this is the solution, although I don't think it is. I think the only thing that is apparent as a result of this break up is that we want to be together. Should we just get over it and go our separate ways? Or would that be a mistake? I don't want to keep bothering him to talk if he's not ready, but I'm afraid we never will.
doushenka Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Talk to him. Don't pressure him into anything; I'd suggest you give him time to get his act together, then meet him in Houston and talk about whether a relationship is a good idea. Right now, he's in a bad place and you really do need to concentrate on your studies. Give it time and then you'll see more clearly.
aerogurl87 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Concentrate on school and go NC for awhile while he gets his life together. That's the best thing to do, although it's also the hardest. After a few months, try to contact him again. If he really loves you, then you will not be forgotten by him by then, trust me. Then at that time try to talk to him if you've seen that he's tried to get his life together. Sometimes you have to let go and let people fall on their face and get their life together before you can do anything to really help them. In fact, sometimes that's the best help you can give actually.
Recommended Posts