sharkhunter Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Hi Sharkhunter. , like I said the strippers are fine cause guys do this, when guys go out for a bucks night it wouldnt be a bucks night without strippers right?! so strippers are fine, I just cant accept this lap dance thing and Im just waiting now till after work when we chat to hopefully see that it goes well. strippers are NOT fine if it upsets you. You deserve more from him don't take this crap from him. I would NEVER do that to my girl Edited January 25, 2010 by sharkhunter
counterman Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I agree, you can't tolerate this. It is just disrespectful to you and your relationship and is so wrong. Definitely tell him that it's hurting you and if he doesn't understand that, then there's a problem. Even if he makes you happy, this will always make you feel uncomfortable so talk to him about it. You're not being paranoid and it's natural to be concerned. I would be worried and feeling a bit uncomfortable too if, say, my girlfriend was going to these places and getting dances and the like. I don't even think strippers are fine.
hoping2heal Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Hi Sharkhunter. The thing is he is honestly a great guy and cares for me like no other guy I have been with has shown me. I don't know, I am struggling here. He may treat you better than anyone else ever has BUT that really means nothing. It could just mean that you are used to being treated badly in relationships and this guy just looks like a step up from that. I don't know, I know there are 2 sides to every story but getting a lapdance while in a RS is pretty fricken extreme. I agree with every person who said he SHOULD KNOW it's hurting your feelings already, and if he doesn't? Then that is even worse- it's even worse he doesn't give it a thought about how you respond to things. Im not just saying this but he truly is. He treats me so well and makes me laugh and happy. This is the only thing that is bothering me, like I said the strippers are fine cause guys do this Actually no, strippers aren't fine cause guys do this. Just like me, going out and flirting with guys at a club or elsewhere- who I don't have sex with- that isn't fine just cause "girls do it." Now, are there women it doesn't bother? Apparently and if it doesn't bother them- good, great, lovely but that doesn't mean just because "guys do it" it's necesarily something that is right for every Relationship. Again, I'm struggling on the treats you so well bit; because this lap dance thing shows a lot of disrespect and insensitivity to your feelings. when guys go out for a bucks night it wouldnt be a bucks night without strippers right?! so strippers are fine, I just cant accept this lap dance thing and Im just waiting now till after work when we chat to hopefully see that it goes well. My partner knows what I am comfortable with and what I'm not. I've never fudged on what I can handle just so he won't leave and you shouldn't do that either.
boogieboy Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 We currently live in different states. We want to be with eachother, I know it probably looks silly cause here I am asking for advice on the lap dancer topic and you all read that we are moving in together but he truly is a great guy, its just this one thing I dont like or want him to do. Your problem isnt with the strip clubs, its because youre picturing him lusting after women with better bodies than yours. You should not be in a relationship until you fix these self esteem issues you have. He sees nothing wrong with going to strip clubs, he wants to go with his friends. He wants to have fun. You run the risk of him resenting you for trying to kill his fun. So prepare for a possible standoff. If you want to risk the relationship because of this, then you might have to break it off. But this is the way he is, and he might not want to change this.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 It's a respect issue. If you tell him you are uncomfortable with it, he needs to respect your feelings and NOT do it. It's not like you're saying don't go out at all (which some women WOULD say), you're asking him to not let a naked woman rub her stuff all over him. Sounds like courtesy and respect to me. That is NOT an unreasonable request. You can either say something or let it build up resentment. But at least if you say something (with strength - letting him know this is NOT okay), he can make a choice at that point as to what's more important - some naked chick or his GF.
sharkhunter Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Your problem isnt with the strip clubs, its because youre picturing him lusting after women with better bodies than yours. You should not be in a relationship until you fix these self esteem issues you have. . How the hell would you know what her body looks like? It's not a "self esteem" issue. It's called respect. You'd probably do the same thing to your gf, if you had one Edited January 25, 2010 by sharkhunter
carhill Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Here's the OP's responsibility in the process, along with erecting clear boundaries: I admit Im very insecure about my body and always feel that a guy will find someone better than me with the perfect body but this hurts. Once you complete this work on your insecurities, you will attract men who respect your boundaries. Perhaps this is something best done alone. Good luck
Agoraphobianebula Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Come on, don't villify the guy. He can be a great boyfriend to her and still visit a strip club, the two are not mutually exclusive especially because she hasn't made her disapproval known to him. I go to strip clubs with my boyfriend and I even treat him to lap dances. It doesn't bother either one of us. OP, Tell him it upsets you and THEN see what he says/does. He's not a mind reader, he can't just know you don't like it. Edited January 25, 2010 by Agoraphobianebula
dazzle22 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I am so sick of hearing that if you don't want some whore sitting on your man's lap that means you are insecure!! Total BS!! This is what I would tell him: you go ahead and let this whore grind on you. Because that same nite, I am going out to a club too. If I see a hot guy I am going to flirt with him, oh, and maybe make out in a dark corner. Oh and you know, girls will be girls, so maybe I will give him a hand job if the mood carries me away. That ok with u? We can exchange stories the next day 0k?? I totally would! What a douche!
Author ponzi Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Your problem isnt with the strip clubs, its because youre picturing him lusting after women with better bodies than yours. You should not be in a relationship until you fix these self esteem issues you have. He sees nothing wrong with going to strip clubs, he wants to go with his friends. He wants to have fun. You run the risk of him resenting you for trying to kill his fun. So prepare for a possible standoff. If you want to risk the relationship because of this, then you might have to break it off. But this is the way he is, and he might not want to change this. Hi everyone. Thank you for everyone's input on my question. My boyfriend and I had a very long chat on this and everything is fine if not its actually even better. boogieboy I have to say you are almost 100% on this. I am actually very insecure about my body, My boyfriend loves my body and tells me this all the time but I dont see what he see's, I see what I see which is yukky to me but he doesnt see it that way at all.I guess I have to try and see what he see's. You are also right in me thinking he is lusting after women with better bodies but after our talk last night of over 3 hours he has assured me, more than ever before that I am the one he wants to be with and adores me the way I am. I just find it hard to accept myself and to see what he see's. I know alot of people are probably not going to like the result in the way mine and my boyfriends conversation went last night but after a very long talk I actually calmed down and today I feel even more calmer and much better. He is still going to go to the strippers, this I don't care about. He will still probably get the lap dance but this isn't 100% although it probably will be and I will not let it bother me because I trust him. He has been doing this for about 20 years where he comes over with about 5 guys to see a certain band play and then their thing is that they go to the strippers and then possibly get lap dances, they don't always but most of the time they do. This happens about once every 3-5 years so its not a regular ongoing thing, if it was then it would bother me alot but I look at it now as a once in a blue moon thing and not a common thing for him. Its his "boys time" and I don't want to make him resent me in me telling him that he cant do it. He will most likely get his lap dance but that is all it is, the girl don't give a rats ass about him and he don't give a rats ass about her, he is there with the boys for some harmless fun and I know that is all it is.I know I sounded alot worse yesterday when I first posted but after getting a few more opinions off others and talking with him - my thoughts have changed, I admit I still don't like the idea but I'm not going to let it eat at me anymore, its not worth me losing him over this. He is a good guy and so good to me and see's me in his life for long term, always planning things a long time in front and this makes me happy he see's me like this. He makes me happy and I have decided that I'm not going to let a lap dance that happens once in a blue moon faze me. There is no touching on his part and there is no sexual contact. I was alot worse yesterday but feel much better now about it all. He makes me happy and I make him happy. This once in a blue moon thing for me is not worth losing this relationship. Thank you again everyone for your opinions and advice on this. I do appreciate it.
OndaChin Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I'm sorry he is hurting you like this! Regardless of what some might think... This man is "Emotionally" cheating!! It's wrong and extremely disrespectful. You won't have a healthy relationship with this stuff going on and it's bound to escalate into something worse sooner or later. You need to tell him that it hurts you and be prepared to take action (stop seeing him) if your feelings aren't respected. Good Luck!
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