ponzi Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Hi everyone. I was hoping I might be able to get some advice. My boyfriend is going to a music concert next month and he goes with "the boys" usually when they do this they go to the strippers and get lap dance's aswell. Now the thing is I dont mind the strippers as this is a guy thing so Im good with this but Im not keen at all on the whole lap dance thing. I dont consider it as cheating unless they touched them but it does hurt to know that my boyfriend still wants to get a lap dance even though we are together. Now I know that he doesnt think he is doing the wrong thing cause he has told me and says that this is something that the boys do when they go out which is not very often at all. What I cant seem to get past is the fact that we are together now and he still is getting a lap dance. He has assured me that he doesnt and has never touched them and I believe this but it still hurts that he wants to do this. I admit Im very insecure about my body and always feel that a guy will find someone better than me with the perfect body but this hurts. I have told him that I dont understand why a guy still feels like he is wanting to do this when he is in a relationship but I havent told him that it is hurting me alot. I dont know what to do and its eating at me. I dont want to lose him and we are moving in with eachother in a few months. Am I being silly and over paranoid if he has told me that he is doing this and has told me of previous ones aswell? He doesnt hide anything and does tell me. He honestly is a great guy and I feel lucky to have him, it just hurts that he is still going to do this. I think Im just lost and dont know what to do. I have also posted this under anther thread as I wasnt sure where to put it and where it is more visible for people to see and respond. Thank You.
sharkhunter Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Personally I think its disrespecful of him. Especially when he knows it hurts your feelings. Why does he even feel the need to tell you about the lap dances? Does he like seeing you hurt? I'd be a little wary of this guy Edited January 25, 2010 by sharkhunter
hoping2heal Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Oh gosh, really? Girl he is going to leave more tracks on you than a tire. So this is the tone you want to set for your relationship? That he can do whatever he wants regardless of how it hurts you or disrespects your RS, but as long as "the boys" do it or he wants too- it's cool? That is what you are teaching him and you are in for a long, miserable haul in that case.
Author ponzi Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Hi Sharkhunter. Thank you for your reply. I figured that he is telling me cause he has nothing to hide and doesnt feel it is wrong in his eyes. I guess if he was going to do something wrong he would hide it but he has told me what goes on , on these weekends and did say that this is what they do. I havent actually told him that it hurts me, Ive just said to him that I dont understand why the need to still want to do it if you are with someone now. I just dont know how to go about this.
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I never used to think going to strip joints was cheating- that is until I became single and sometimes accompany some of my male friends to a strip bar at the end of the night. I've seen some crazy things go on- some of these places are just brothels in disguise. I have a male friend that actually pays for sex and BJ's in establishments. It happens in both the high end trade and the low-rent trashy places. Having said that- some of the guys will indulge, and some wouldn't think of it. I think it depends entirely on the guy and whether or not he is trustworthy in your eyes. The lap dances are down and dirty, there is no holding back.
Author ponzi Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Hi hoping2heal I guess Im just lost. im not sure. Im an insecure person in the first place and always a paranoid freak. I guess I can see by the last 2 answers to my question what it is. Ive never come across this before in the past and dont know how to deal with it.
sharkhunter Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Hi Sharkhunter. I havent actually told him that it hurts me, Ive just said to him that I dont understand why the need to still want to do it if you are with someone now. I just dont know how to go about this. Believe me, he KNOWS that it hurts you.
Author ponzi Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Maybe I should actually tell him, I am so tempted to call him now and tell him even though we have spoken about this. I know you are right Sharkhunter, I guess he does know it hurts me.
hoping2heal Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Hi hoping2heal I guess Im just lost. im not sure. Im an insecure person in the first place and always a paranoid freak. I guess I can see by the last 2 answers to my question what it is. Ive never come across this before in the past and dont know how to deal with it. Yes, you are an insecure person and you appear to also have very poor self esteem. Don't let this guy treat you like crap, there is no reward in it. The day will NEVER come where he thinks "Wow, look at that girl..she put up with so much from me..I really love her." No, the reality is he will realise he doesn't HAVE to respect you and will begin losing respect accordingly until eventually he is bored. Doormats seem to live under the delusian that there loyalty will someday be rewarded which doesn't happen unless the person who is disrespecting you changes and while it DOES happen, it DOESN'T happen much much much much more often than not.
hoping2heal Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Maybe I should actually tell him, I am so tempted to call him now and tell him even though we have spoken about this. I know you are right Sharkhunter, I guess he does know it hurts me. What you need to do is stand your ground. You are not asking for ANYTHING unreasonable to expect that a man you are in a RS does not go about getting LAPDANCES.
sharkhunter Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Maybe I should actually tell him, I am so tempted to call him now and tell him even though we have spoken about this. I know you are right Sharkhunter, I guess he does know it hurts me. Believe me, there is no way he could NOT know
tami-chan Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Personally I think its disrespecful of him. Especially when he knows it hurts your feelings. Why does he even feel the need to tell you about the lap dances? Does he like seeing you hurt? I'd be a little wary of this guy I agree....if he cares about how this hurts you, he won't do it-it's not like "touching" a stripper is a lifeline to him... Hey, skydive!
doushenka Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Believe me, there is no way he could NOT know Actually, unless she's come out and said "This hurts me", she'll never be able to win an argument on those grounds, so it couldn't hurt her to tell him. That way, she's got her bases covered. My boyfriend has had a lap dance since we got together; it doesn't hurt me and it didn't hurt us, but you bet he told me before and after, and he's promised to take me to a strip joint sometime to demystify the environment. For someone who is less open and accepting about stripping as a spectator (and sometimes contact) sport, more communication and empathy are required.
hopesndreams Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Hi everyone. I was hoping I might be able to get some advice. My boyfriend is going to a music concert next month and he goes with "the boys" usually when they do this they go to the strippers and get lap dance's aswell. Now the thing is I dont mind the strippers as this is a guy thing so Im good with this but Im not keen at all on the whole lap dance thing. I dont consider it as cheating unless they touched them but it does hurt to know that my boyfriend still wants to get a lap dance even though we are together. Now I know that he doesnt think he is doing the wrong thing cause he has told me and says that this is something that the boys do when they go out which is not very often at all. What I cant seem to get past is the fact that we are together now and he still is getting a lap dance. He has assured me that he doesnt and has never touched them and I believe this but it still hurts that he wants to do this. I admit Im very insecure about my body and always feel that a guy will find someone better than me with the perfect body but this hurts. I have told him that I dont understand why a guy still feels like he is wanting to do this when he is in a relationship but I havent told him that it is hurting me alot. I dont know what to do and its eating at me. I dont want to lose him and we are moving in with eachother in a few months. Am I being silly and over paranoid if he has told me that he is doing this and has told me of previous ones aswell? He doesnt hide anything and does tell me. He honestly is a great guy and I feel lucky to have him, it just hurts that he is still going to do this. I think Im just lost and dont know what to do. I have also posted this under anther thread as I wasnt sure where to put it and where it is more visible for people to see and respond. Thank You. Nasty, nasty places. I have been in a few and as already posted, low end, high end, doesn't matter..they are brothels in disguise. Guys night out and it's ok and for some it is but for you it is not. He knows this and will continue to do it. Tell him you aren't putting up with his "boys night out" and mean it. Just see which he chooses. Don't you want to know if you are more important than a lap dance?
Citizen Erased Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 What you need to do is stand your ground. You are not asking for ANYTHING unreasonable to expect that a man you are in a RS does not go about getting LAPDANCES. Agreed. Having a few drinks and looking at naked tits and arse is one thing. Lap dances on the other hand when in a relationship is incredibly disrespectful. I certainly have no driving need to have some other guy grinding on me when I'm with someone.
Author ponzi Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 I ended up ringing him just now crying and telling him that it is killing me that he is doing this. Unfortunately where he works he wasnt able to keep talking and has asked if we can talk about it after. I guess I will just wait and see what our later conversation comes up with and see what happens. Thanks for giving me your advice to everyone that has replied so far, even the guys here at my work think its disrespectful and unacceptable. I just hope it goes the way I want it to.
sharkhunter Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) I agree....if he cares about how this hurts you, he won't do it-it's not like "touching" a stripper is a lifeline to him... Hey, skydive! Hi TC <......... That's the real me But I like my sky avitar better, dont you? Edited January 25, 2010 by sharkhunter
sharkhunter Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Thanks for giving me your advice to everyone that has replied so far, even the guys here at my work think its disrespectful and unacceptable. I just hope it goes the way I want it to. I was just wondering, how does this guy treat you otherwise? I mean is he good to you other than the strip club stuff? Edited January 25, 2010 by sharkhunter
MissJoness Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I wouldn't tolerate this if I were in a relationship. And a lot of strip clubs have quite a bit of prostitution going on in the champagne room. No man in a committed relationship should even step foot into one
sharkhunter Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I wouldn't tolerate this if I were in a relationship. And a lot of strip clubs have quite a bit of prostitution going on in the champagne room. No man in a committed relationship should even step foot into one I agree completely
Author ponzi Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Hi Sharkhunter. The thing is he is honestly a great guy and cares for me like no other guy I have been with has shown me. Im not just saying this but he truly is. He treats me so well and makes me laugh and happy. This is the only thing that is bothering me, like I said the strippers are fine cause guys do this, when guys go out for a bucks night it wouldnt be a bucks night without strippers right?! so strippers are fine, I just cant accept this lap dance thing and Im just waiting now till after work when we chat to hopefully see that it goes well.
PinkToes Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Not to go too far OT, but why are you moving in with this guy?
Author ponzi Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 We currently live in different states. We want to be with eachother, I know it probably looks silly cause here I am asking for advice on the lap dancer topic and you all read that we are moving in together but he truly is a great guy, its just this one thing I dont like or want him to do.
PinkToes Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 No, I get that. I do agree with the previous posters who suggest that your feelings on this matter are very important, and I think it would be a good idea to let him know directly. I'm just on a personal mission to make sure couples have the same expectations for the relationship before they move in together. :-)
Author ponzi Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Thank You PinkToes. We are definately moving in for the same reason's. Hopefully after we chat tonight itll still be the same.
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