nukeplus Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and it's been a very good relationship. We both are divorced and each have two boys under the age of 9. A couple days before christmas I could tell something was bothering her and then she finally dropped a bomb-shell. She was scared to death she was pregnant and didn't tell me. Evidently, this was going on for about 3 weeks and she finally went to the Dr and found out she wasn't. She claims she didn't tell me because she didn't want to stress me out. Anyway, after finding out she wasn't she said it gave her a new perspective on things and she realized she needed to focus more on her kids and she didn't want to get married and have more kids. We had talked light-heartedly about marriage, but she had it in her head that I wanted that and more children. The latter couldn't be further from the truth. So this happens on Wed before xmas and we already had a trip planned for Gatlinburg leaving on the 26th. Since the trip was paid for we went, and while we had a great time. We were so comfortable around each other and things couldn't have gone better. I made sure to keep it on a friends level. After the trip I didn't see her for about a week, but now we have seen each other for 7 of the last 10 nights. Things are fine until I ask her if I can lay down on the couch next to her or something (this happened last night). We have a cruise planned and paid for in May and trying to figure out what to do about that. Her ex husband was a total jerk to her and left for another woman. Aside from that, she has had a rough time early in her life. Taken from her mother, two brothers passed away early on, etc. I know that she has A LOT to deal with and on top of all of this her youngest son is giving her some problems. I can't believe that her feelings just dried up once she found out she wasn't pregnant and I can't understand why she would want to see me so much. She doesn't seem like the type that would intentionally string me along or try to hurt me. She has told me a couple times that she doesn't know whats going on in her head and I sure don't. Should I back off? I obviously care the world for her and have made sure she knows this. Again, when we are together it's JUST like old times, minus the intimacy. Anyone know what's going on with her?
Author nukeplus Posted January 24, 2010 Author Posted January 24, 2010 I really feel like her feelings are still there but its sort of like she is trying to prove something to herself and that is the most frustrating part.
1life8love1trust Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 The best advice I can give is in books. I have never been married, so I can't speak from experience. It seems like you caught this pretty early, so you might just be able to save it. The best advice I can give is that give her space. Sometimes you just have to give the other person time to miss you and understand that you are something they need not another burden. I would personally recommended reading more into it yourself, go to the bookstore and pick up a relationship book. I know we LS forum group is here but if you can't afford a personal relationship person, a book about it is the next best thing.
Ronni_W Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Anyone know what's going on with her? She says that she doesn't even know...so, sadly, ain't nobody else gonna know, either. It would seem that the pregnancy scare triggered some deep...something. Old trauma, new fear, something serious that, apparently, isn't yet conscious for her. If she's not having sex then she can't get pregnant -- that would explain why she's not interested in anything that even might lead to sex. Have you told her that you don't want anymore children? Do one (or both) of you need to consider a more permanent form of birth control? You could also let her know that you care very much about her emotional well-being and are concerned about her. You could ask her if she's considering individual therapy, and ask how you can support her through this / what she needs, wants or would like from you at this time. MarriageBuilders.com has some excellent articles and questionnaires. Also check out the 'recreational enjoyment inventory' (under 'questionnaires' tab), and maybe use it to help bring back some emotional intimacy into the relationship in a fun, playful, non-sexual way? Unfortunately, she's the only one who can really make a difference here. You don't know what's going on in her head (because she doesn't), and you don't know what she needs and wants. She will have to figure out those two things, and communicate them to you. Best of luck.
Author nukeplus Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 I have let her know that I'm not interested in having children, even though it is something we've kidded around a little bit about in the past. Sometimes I feel like she thinks I am just saying I'm not interested to pacify her. With regards to birth control, we haven't been the best with that, but I'm sure it could only serve to lessen her fears. I think she could definitely benefit from counseling given all she's had to deal with. However, I am very nervous about suggesting that because I can see her going into defensive mode and taking it the wrong way. I know she knows where my head is and I truthfully believe she loves me. I really believe her when she says she is overloaded with crap and I think she's struggling how to balance me along with everything else in her life. That's where my dilema is. Do I back way off and let her see that I'm not a burden and come back to me or do I continue to hang out but keep things on a platonic level?
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