CloudyJack Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 This is the first time I've posted on any forum -- I really need advise. No sex pour moi. very frustrated. I talk to my wife as much as I can, but hurt feelings seem to prevent the talks from being complete (hard to press your point when there's tears) & the aftermath is destructive in the short term -- we 'swing' back & forth being 'okay' & 'sad' ..& and I get the feeling that she doesn't completely believe me or take my feelings seriously.. I believe she thinks something like: sexual feelings are not emotional feelings and therefore 'less-than.' Anyway: the facts: We've been married about three years. I'm 31 and she's 28. We're both fit and attractive and 'match,' if that makes sense. both slightly introverted, artsy & successful. She's edits a feminist magazine so always has great arguments, & works for government. I work in a visually creative industry. Sex is great when it happens, usually about an hour or so & we both orgasm. We live together and are moving from her country to mine, getting Visas in order etc.. so we're planning on a life together in the future. Sometimes we have sex as 'often' as twice a month, but more often TWO OR THREE MONTHS will go by -- which for me is ABSOLUTE TORTURE! I am insanely attracted to her -- always have been from the first time I saw her -- sexually attracted but also I just love being around her, living with her -- her sense of humor, her moral character.. I know that sounds weird.. just her "personal aura" in general. We got married after a month of dating & had great sex all the time the first 1/2 year. I don't care what her hair looks like, what she wears, if she's dirty & smelly or clean, I am just always insanely attracted to her. I love the way she smells, the sound of her voice, her ideas/laugh. anyway. In my perfect world we would be having sex twice a day.. but I realize I probably think that b/c I feel I'm so deprived.. so I would probably be VERY happy with the 'normal' 3-4x a week thing that everyone always talks about. I think my sex drive is pretty normal, but my wife is always poking around for the reasons I have "excess sexual energy." She thinks it has to do with being unhappy. I really try to explore that topic with her, and sometimes I feel like she's convincing me -- ie, maybe I want to have sex because I'm feeling lonely, or I NEED something from her -- she hates feeling needed. But really I have a wonderful life -- great good paying fun job, good friends/family/hobbies -- After three years I think, actually.. uh.. one of my needs is sex -- it's not because of anything else -- I just need it. for the physical and emotional connection. I'm tired of feeling guilty/ashamed of that "need." Why is it so bad? do I deserve a frown & a sigh every time I ask if she wants sex? I'm stuck because I can't go looking for that bond from another woman (although in more frustrating moments, I daydream about posting stuff online like "looking for someone to have a lot of sex with, no emotional commitment please" -- or just going to a brothel to be released) -- anyway, I can't get it from her -- so I have no outlet and sometimes I feel like banging my head through a wall. actually, not sometimes -- waaaay too often -- I feel TORTURED. the feelings pass, but they always come back & it sucks! I don't think women realize how intense it really is, & just shrug it off. it sucks to have to restrain yourself AND not persue sex elsewhere -- then at least I'd have somewhere to pour the energy into. although maybe it's not a girl/guy thing.. anyway exercise helps, but sometimes I go swimming for so long & swim so hard "work it off" that I almost kill myself. I masturbate in the shower a lot.. but that only works a little. I want that real physical emotional connection with someone else. one day I was so frustrated, I mb seven times! I actually finally felt some relief by the end -- this weird Zen state and I was so happy for a few hours to be free -- but I can't be doing that every day. I'm looking for advise. The no sex thing is a BIG problem, but it causes even bigger problems. Like: I get insecure around her and try to be really nice & just 'wait' for her to be in the mood. but that's like being in the waiting room at the doctor's office or something for three months, just getting more and more angry that they're not calling your number. I feel like my confidence is being slowly dismantled and there will be nothing left of me. hmm.. I'm sounding more angry than I realized.. but anyway, when they finally call your number you're pissed off. as in: when we finally do have sex, it's hard to enjoy it because of all the anger that has built up, or just a general deadening sadness b/c I know it will be over soon & then I'll have another undefinable amount of time to wait. she has all the power. I've told her that, and she doesn't want the power, but there's no way around it. she really is the most wonderful sweet loving fair person and isn't "doing anything wrong" at all. So I know all my anger towards her isn't really valid.. it's just the situation I guess. when I tell her how I feel about it I get some relief from my anger, but she gets sad & I hate to disappoint her & make her sad, so I lose track of my anger & nothing is solved. I really love her. So that makes it harder to bring up my feelings the next time. So I repress them.. but she knows something is wrong & we go through a 'weird' phase. then I finally tell her.. big cycle. anyway. I feel like if we could just have sex often enough for me to feel less powerless, I could be 'myself' again -- have some confidence, "be a man" and not so annoying to myself or her -- but as it is now, I feel like her servant, even if she doesn't want one. What do I do???!! .. how do I think about this thing differently? From her side: she says she wants to have a healthy sex life, but has intimacy/trust problems. I believe that's because she's had a lot of grief/loss in her life, but I'm just scared of not getting any sex for my entire life. I can't give her an ultimatum b/c her past is her past & she can't change it -- and I love her too much to consider leaving her. when I do consider it I feel physically ill. we've been to a therapist multiple times both together and on our own. we've tried all sorts of things, like: I should try talking to her about sex because it turns on her "mind" rather than trying to get her in the mood by cuddling etc. doesn't work.. doesn't seem spontaneous & she puts an end to it. many times, we finally have sex when I've just about given up and have started to think about cutting my losses. then I'm trapped all over again. The story is much more complicated, of course, but the sex is the core issue, I think. What I'm curious about is: what have other people done in this situation? Should I expect her to 'try more?' I was reading the post "Sexless marriage - how common?" and someone older said it took him waaay too long to figure out that his wife should have been trying harder .. finally years later after having several kids he found some way of correcting the situation and leveling out the power balance. how? he didn't say. I don't want my wife to feel "forced" to do anything of course -- but I feel like she should at least be trying more.. but when I bring up the issue she says, "I just want to be myself." which to me sounds like "I will only have sex when I feel like it & wont try." should I press her to try more? anyway, thoughts/suggestions/advise very very welcome.
FryFish Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 If you guys arent a match as far as sex drive goes then you arent a match.... No matter how many other ways you guys mesh. Your WIFE is refusing to have sex with you.
Golfilla Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 We got married after a month of dating & had great sex all the time the first 1/2 year. Red flag right there. The fact is, she clearly has a much lower sex drive than you do, and probably always did. The initial euphoria of the relationship kept things fresh early on, but once that wore off, things reverted to their normal pattern. The fact is, that's just who she is, and she has every right to be that way. Your options, realistically, are to either put up with it or leave. Yes, I know that sounds harsh, but it's just the way things are.
FryFish Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 and she has every right to be that way.Ya she does, but she is NEVER going to find a guy that is totally cool with only have sex 3-4 times per year...
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 From her side: she says she wants to have a healthy sex life, but has intimacy/trust problems. I believe that's because she's had a lot of grief/loss in her life, but I'm just scared of not getting any sex for my entire life. I can't give her an ultimatum b/c her past is her past & she can't change it -- Yes, she can change it..By going to counselling and talk about her past issues that have made her feel this way. All her losses, the pain involved, intimacy and closeness issues.. She needs to sort it out so she can BE a happier person in general and let you in. Gently bring this up. Don't mention sex, though.. You really love her, be patient and allow her time to sort this out - as long as she's willing to do counselling on her own. If she is unwilling, then it's up to you to decide what happens next. Meaning, do you want to be in a marriage with a woman who can't/won't have intimacy with you? Sex with you? want to please and make you feel good? Throw kids into the mix at some point,and all the other crap life throws into your lives, you will detach and fall out of love with her eventually.. What then? Cheat? Divorce? Stay married but be miserable with no sex? She has problems, and also I kind of agree with the previous poster, fact that you married so quickly without really getting to know one another....
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 (edited) Under my name or Giotto, mem11363, JamesM..... It will paint a pretty depressing picture. I'll be a chauvinist, but repressed feelings, not feeling safe are pure bull and just an excuse. Also unfair, but she writes/editor of a "Feminist" magazine can also raise red flags..... What are her view of males,sex, male/female dynamics in general. Has it changed working as editor. I think this is yet another sad post..... Maybe you and cuppa should meet...... Edited January 24, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
HeyThere Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I'll be a chauvinist, but repressed feelings, not feeling safe are pure bull and just an excuse. Also unfair, but she writes/editor of a "Feminist" magazine can also raise red flags..... What are her view of males,sex, male/female dynamics in general... I was wondering if she is a chauvinist. ... Maybe you and cuppa should meet...... That’s funny and makes good sense – to bad this isn’t a dating site.
giotto Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 to bad this isn’t a dating site. lol... I think it would be too expensive for me to fly to the USA...
cuppa Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I was wondering if she is a chauvinist. That’s funny and makes good sense – to bad this isn’t a dating site. ..are you guys saying that if I choose to leave my marriage and join a dating world, I should find someone with similar situation like me? lol... OP, I can only offer you an alternative while you sort out your issues with your wife. I used to take care myself a lot too (sexually that is) but now since I am taking all the frustration and channel my energy to my exercise routine that I feel a bit more calm & balance these days (and less sexually frustated). Of course, it's not completely gone but it helps (not to mention you will look younger, fitter, and have awesome stamina when the sexy time comes around lol). Take some hard exercises (like kickboxing, krav maga, crossfit ,etc), it takes some edges off while you will look good at the same time.
dazzle22 Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Well, as I have mentioned in prior posts, marriage is SUPPOSED to be a VERY sexual relationship, and anyone who is not ready to do this with a partner is sort of pulling a "bait and switch" on them. You are normal, she is not (correct, I think she is not normal..If she wanted to be a nun, then she should have gone to a convent, not got married!), so don't beat yourself up over this. I think she has huge "issues" with being feminine in relation to a male. Therefore, she really resonates with you as a soulmate, but is uncomfortable when it becomes sexualized. Somehow it feels "demeaning " to her, so she dismisses its importance. She "went along with it" initially, but now her issues are coming to the surface. Writing for a "feminist" organization to me implies a "militant" stance in some way, not just PRO woman, but ANTI male, like an axe to grind. It involves reactionary anger against men, not just wanting equal rights for women. Kind of like I would see it as different if one belonged to a civil rights organization as opposed to the Black Panthers!. What is her family or origin like when it comes to mother/father relationship, attitudes toward sex? Does she feel like the female role in sex is too "submissive" or too "vulnerable" and thus she shies away from it? My guess is that is operating here. Has she ever made derogatory comments about other women and their love relationships, or how she doesn't want certain things in her relationship to be like her mom, etc, etc? Any resonance with this?
Holding-On Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 What would your wife think of having an open marriage?
BettyBoop Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I think it is beautiful the way you love and crave your wife... ...but I also think she believes sex is something you grant a man. Not a sign of love. Are you sure she does orgasm and isn't faking it? I can't orgasm and I *still* want to have sex with my partner...
cuppa Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 So I re-read your post again and try to find the parallel in my own situation. 3 things jump out of your post: 1. You said usually sex lasted about an hour - is this including foreplay or the actual intercourse itself? Personally, from the woman perspective, this might be too long, so she might feel sore afterward - however, if it includes other thing then it's ok. 2. This is what I just learned from my therapist today. Could you do cuddling & kissing without the actual sex for like 2 months and see if it can stimulate desires from her side? Even if it means that afterward you relieve yourself in the shower or ask her to help? 3. Could she be frigid? I just remembered one of my coworkers who is quite close to me, she told me that she couldn't have sex with her husband for one year and she went through therapy during that time. She's ok now and is currently pregnant. I could inquire the type of treatment that she went through if you think this is the case.
someotherguy Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I think it's one of three things: 1. It's just a plot to get a visa. 2. She actually hates men. 3. She's sexually repressed and needs you to dominate her. If it's 1 or 2, you're hosed. If it's 3, you can try to be more aggressive, assertive, and dominant with her and see if she responds positively, and if not, refer to numbers 1 or 2.
Author CloudyJack Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Hi Everyone, I really really appreciate the feedback here. It's been "easy" in the past to sort of get through the rough times and then just forget about the problems. I'm the kind of person who can just roll with it always with a positive outlook. But I do want to hear about these other stories so I *really* know what I'm getting myself in for, & how much of a sacrifice it really is. again, it's easy to sacrifice the rest of your life in a moment's decision.. or many small decisions over time -- but I just want to have a clear idea of how I'll feel about it when I'm 50 or 60. fryFish: I'm trying to ask myself the question "do I love her enough to deal with having very little sex for the rest of my life." it's a hard question to take seriously though b/c I'm always v positive & believe that she might change. Golfilla: just to clarify -- we eloped and our marriage is a 'fun' marriage -- more to say to each other that we weren't planning on going anywhere and to rebel against the institution of marriage.. at the time. of course with our families involved now it's taking on more of a serious tone. she said I was her family last night which was pretty major for me -- I feel more confident that she'll stick with me in the long run -- sometimes I get to feeling that she'll end up leaving me.. mostly b/c I feel insecure about the relationship b/c of no sex. anyway. not sure if folks believe it's possible to have a 'less serious' marriage. but we sort of redefined it in terms of feminism.. her idea of course FryFish: true, but she'll find a string of guys that will dump her after they find out about it. or she'll become a monk. she says she wants to sometimes. hard to know how serious she is. whichwayisup: thanks for all this good advise. yes, she's been working on her issues for about six or seven years. sometimes therapy is helpful, but sometimes it messes her up more. I like what you're staying though -- that maybe serious trauma like hers just takes that long and that if I wait long enough she'll become a happier person & less scared of losing more people in her life.. so less scared of intimacy. Toodamnpragmatic: haha, I like what you're saying -- very cathartic to let my angry side agree with you. but I'm still hopeful it's really not the case -- & that she can separate her feminist ideas about male-dominated culture etc.. with her relationship with me. we do have arguments all the time about 'traditional roles'etc -- but I sort of agree that she's right most of the time. ie, I'm doing the dishes AND taking the trash out now. sigh. I might start an anti-feminist rant if I start letting myself.. but I wont ! .. it'll be too confused & angry at this point. maybe it is a sad post -- but really the other things about our relationship are amazing. & I wouldn't mind the low sex thing.. except my body just drives my mind crazy.. ie, if I could lower my sex drive somehow I would.. Cuppa: awesome to hear from you. your post inspired me to post ... yes, I do lots of exercise, but I like the idea of kickboxing a lot. I feel like trying to beat the crap out of someone to release energy (I would probably end up on the floor of course). maybe this is where all the war in the world comes from. people get no sex from people they love & wander off frustrated & start military campaigns to dominate other people. dazzle: thanks for the good advise & understanding comments. she has a very odd family. her mother & father were hippies. her father was the feminist in the family -- argued at school why his daughters couldn't learn woodmaking. her father is reclusive, dead quiet in conversation.. a little eerie & hard to emotionally relate to. haven't met her mother.. sadly she died when my wife was 11.. my wife also lost her sister about the same time (who was 16). she has two brothers who've never had girlfriends .. in their 30's. she ran away from home.. kind of.. when she was about 16 and traveled the world for five years. she loves her family, but I think they're all still kind of traumatized. holding on: re and open marriage. she suggested it one time while we were fighting -- that I go get a mistress. I brought it up recently again b/c I was frustrated & got silence & tears. so I doubt she would be into it. I think she'd rather work on our sex life. she thinks it's getting better -- that we're having better sex more often. but we've only had sex twice in the past two & a half months. .. good that she's feeling better about it though.. BettyBoop: yes, she thinks that sex is something you do after you've bonded emotionally. but we're always having great times together, & I feel close to her a lot. it's frustrating b/c I feel the most close to her after we have sex. sort of like sex leads to trust for me, but it's opposite for her. 1000: It's not a Visa thing, believe me. Her country is great & she could easily get a student visa or a work visa in my country if I wasn't around. Cuppa: actual intercourse is usually 20-30 minutes, but not rough the whole time. & a half hour to an hour of foreplay.. usually. gotta make it last .. my wife suggested your #2 -- it's pretty damn hard for me to tell myself we aren't actually going to have sex.. I keep thinking: "well if she gets turned on, then why not have sex? it would be crazy not to. we haven't had sex in months." the couple times it did work out were good.. but very difficult for me to pull off. I'll try more -- thanks! .. dunno about your #3.. someotherguy: I know what you mean about domination. in past relationships when I got involved with women I wasn't really interested in.. it just kind of happens naturally.. the domination. they just go crazy to have sex with you all the time when you aren't that interested. abusive cycle. maybe it's because I wasn't trying to please them & had more confidence. but in the end, it's not a good situation b/c I could never love them & sex isn't very enjoyable w/someone you don't respect. I usually got into those types of relationships after a long term relationship had ended & now regret them.. I don't think it would be possible to try & dominate my wife -- I've got way too much respect for her and we do have a very even and fair relationship in other ways. plus I don't think she'd stand for it & would walk out pretty ****ing fast. the couple times it's been "rough" the sex is good, but it can sort of traumatize her for a while & make the next time take even longer to arrive. again, thanks for all the responses everyone -- it's very therapeutic to write about this for a while in a truthful anonymous way -- just reading your posts & thinking about my situation this way has already taken some of the pressure off. I know just talking about it to other people isn't the solution.. & can actually contribute to folks staying stuck in their situation.. but at least I feel like I'm dealing with the problem in a more face-to-face way. & I don't feel as ashamed about it now. more advise very very welcome
cuppa Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Hi Everyone, Cuppa: actual intercourse is usually 20-30 minutes, but not rough the whole time. & a half hour to an hour of foreplay.. usually. gotta make it last .. my wife suggested your #2 -- it's pretty damn hard for me to tell myself we aren't actually going to have sex.. I keep thinking: "well if she gets turned on, then why not have sex? it would be crazy not to. we haven't had sex in months." the couple times it did work out were good.. but very difficult for me to pull off. I'll try more -- thanks! .. dunno about your #3.. Then stick to it for 2 months and see...don't rush it. My therapist said this is the technique commonly used in sex therapy, that is removing the demand and removing the anxiety from your wife side. What about oral stimulation without intercourse? If you truly can't stand it toward the end, surely, she can help with a hand job maybe? Anything but intercourse. Ps: I know it's been a while but I don't know...I like it sweet and short (like 10 - 15 mins maybe) instead of long 30 mins.....I know in the beginning my husband always want me to have like multiple orgasms and he can last as long as possible while in reality I want it to be hot, passionate, and sweet (and maybe not too long), like a sweet bonding between a man and a woman. So maybe something to discuss with your wife. Also, do you think she's well lubricated? I remember one of my friends has problems with it too, hence it makes the sex painful for her. Edited January 25, 2010 by cuppa
Bright Shadow Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 someotherguy: I know what you mean about domination. in past relationships when I got involved with women I wasn't really interested in.. it just kind of happens naturally.. the domination. they just go crazy to have sex with you all the time when you aren't that interested. abusive cycle. maybe it's because I wasn't trying to please them & had more confidence. but in the end, it's not a good situation b/c I could never love them & sex isn't very enjoyable w/someone you don't respect. I usually got into those types of relationships after a long term relationship had ended & now regret them.. I don't think it would be possible to try & dominate my wife -- I've got way too much respect for her and we do have a very even and fair relationship in other ways. plus I don't think she'd stand for it & would walk out pretty ****ing fast. the couple times it's been "rough" the sex is good, but it can sort of traumatize her for a while & make the next time take even longer to arrive. Don't knock the dominant relationship. It's been the standard for a very long time. Men can dominate a relationship without it being unfair. Frankly speaking, you can't do much to change her. Your description of her father doesn't give me much hope about the two of you long term. What you can do is work on yourself. I think one of the first steps you need to take is to moderate your need to have sex with her. Men can exist without sex. You need to relearn that. Cut the masturbation back to once a week. That's all that's required according to current medical thinking. Declare a sex moratorium. No sex for 3 months. Tell her that you're doing it for your sake, not hers. At the moment, you two have developed a system. 1. You signal that you want sex. 2. If she says no, then you get grumpy (maybe not immediately, but things like that build up. If she says yes, then you and she have sex for an hour. It's boring and predictable. You need to break that system. Ask for more information if you're interested.
crazycatlady Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 My heart goes out to ya, no sex sucks. I get pissy when its just once or twice a week.... However - I know if I don't get sex, I will stop wanting sex. And if we go too long due to whatever reason I sometimes have to push myself to have sex a few times to get back into the mood of wanting it. So one suggestion is to ask her if she would be willing to have sex every day for a week, and then see how each of you feel. You could do it after the two months of cuddling someone else suggested. Something else you could talk to her about is to tell her that you respect her not in the mood, but you are, and she needs to give to you as you give to her, a blow job or a hand job once a week is better then nothing. And when I'm not in the mood, I'll do that instead and just getting him off can help me get in the mood for the next time. Have you considered a different time of day? H is on in the mornings. I hate mornings. But I'll do it for him. I'm on in the afternoon. Like let me toss you down and ride you until I'm pleased, then hurry up and finish so we can get on with our day type of quickie. He hates afternoon sex, plus its really hard to get away to do it even if all I want is 10 minutes. And I do think that's one area he should bend a little to make me happy that he doesn't but its not enough to get too bent out of shape over. I don't understand that if couples say they love each other, why one won't bend to have sex to please the other. I don't get it. And I've been in the habit of saying no. At the time, I didn't realize how much it hurt to be told no that often. My sex drive was horrible, sex was horrible because we didn't do it enough so when we did he lasted all of two seconds, which made me not want to do it. It was awful. And we didn't talk about it. He never bitched I didn't have sex with him. He should have but he didn't. I told him no at least three times a week. Now I've been on the other side. WOW it truly sucks. It hurts emotionally let alone the physical craving. And I gotta say masterbation does nothing for me. I can get 10 orgasms and it doesn't beat the one he gives me which will satisify (usually) me. Anyway, I would really really talk more to her about this. Good luck CCL
giotto Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 if you stay, make sure you take anti-depressants to kill your libido and drink lots of wine to forget how you feel inside...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Don't knock the dominant relationship. It's been the standard for a very long time. Men can dominate a relationship without it being unfair. Frankly speaking, you can't do much to change her. Your description of her father doesn't give me much hope about the two of you long term. What you can do is work on yourself. I think one of the first steps you need to take is to moderate your need to have sex with her. Men can exist without sex. You need to relearn that. Cut the masturbation back to once a week. That's all that's required according to current medical thinking. Declare a sex moratorium. No sex for 3 months. Tell her that you're doing it for your sake, not hers. At the moment, you two have developed a system. 1. You signal that you want sex. 2. If she says no, then you get grumpy (maybe not immediately, but things like that build up. If she says yes, then you and she have sex for an hour. It's boring and predictable. You need to break that system. Ask for more information if you're interested. and all these other ideas that you should stop talking about sex.... That basically says she wins.... Now if you were whining and discussing this continually, there is a point. If you however have one major discussion or a serious one every 3-4 weeks, that is not pressuring in my opinion. This is getting old and I've heard this before and am 100% sure it does not work. You have to sit her down and tell her straight out that this is a make or break proposition. You do not have kids, you are young fit and attractive. You are married and taken vows (even non-traditional ones). You already do not have sex, frankly have not pushed her hard at all when you tell me twice is 2.5 months is what she thinks is progress. If she simply thinks that you are not "worth" having sex with, and surprise she has orgasms and it is enjoyable and then shuts down again..... she does not care for your wellbeing..... Yep I'm a male and still just don't get it..... Edited January 25, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
giotto Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I do agree... I had to be very firm with my wife (well, I was leaving... ) and she made a real effort... unfortunately, it didn't last very long... lol Now, being a wise old man, I decided to stay anyway, because twice a week is still bearable and she makes a point of actually telling me that sex will be happening soon if she sees me a bit restless... What I'm trying to say is that - if you go a bit heavy handed about it - things might improve for a while, but I'm pretty sure all will revert back to "normal" sooner than you expect... and now let's wait for good old "mem" to put his boot in...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I do agree... I had to be very firm with my wife (well, I was leaving... ) and she made a real effort... unfortunately, it didn't last very long... lol Now, being a wise old man, I decided to stay anyway, because twice a week is still bearable and she makes a point of actually telling me that sex will be happening soon if she sees me a bit restless... What I'm trying to say is that - if you go a bit heavy handed about it - things might improve for a while, but I'm pretty sure all will revert back to "normal" sooner than you expect... and now let's wait for good old "mem" to put his boot in... or his computer crashed, because this thread (and cuppas) is just too good for him to pass on...... However to the OP, just as I said search for him in any thread and his advise and he will tell you to start being assertive, more aloof, lift weights and become an Alpha Male..... Now married to a "feminist", I doubt that will work......
HeyThere Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 if you stay, make sure you take anti-depressants to kill your libido and drink lots of wine to forget how you feel inside... Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard, I’ve tears coming down. CloudyJack, you’re getting great advice here. It seems the sex roles are totally reversed. You talk about how you feel so much trust after the sex act and she’s “wham bam thank you ma’am” – Hello what’s that?
giotto Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard, I’ve tears coming down. lol... you need to develop a very good sense of humor when dealing with this depressing stuff...
mem11363 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Many couples have a large difference in their innate libidos/drives. In a healthy marriage - with a fairly even power balance - the low drive partner steps up and meets the high drive spouse somewhere in the middle. For the low drive spouse to say - we will ONLY have sex when I feel like it is NOT compromise. The elements of the power balance are - from best to worse: - Love - the real thing - not the I say it version the "I ACT on it" version - Guilt - a strange but powerful variant of love that is based on true understanding of how sexual deprivation effects your spouse - Fear - this one is a MUST to recalibrate the power dynamic when it gets to the sad pathetic state of your marriage By fear I do NOT mean anything physical at all. But fear is a part of respect. Hell I DO fear my wife in a healthy way and I know she fears me also. She would never ask me to not have sex with her for even 1 week (barring a medical problem) because she knows that would make me irate. I doubt you can salvage this one. But just know this - when your spouse starts denying you sex - you ask why and if you get a honest, clear answer that makes sense then act on it. If you get a bunch of doubletalk - start focusing more on you and less on HER. Read "Mating in Captivity". That is my basic roadmap to this stuff and it works well for many people. This is the first time I've posted on any forum -- I really need advise. No sex pour moi. very frustrated. I talk to my wife as much as I can, but hurt feelings seem to prevent the talks from being complete (hard to press your point when there's tears) & the aftermath is destructive in the short term -- we 'swing' back & forth being 'okay' & 'sad' ..& and I get the feeling that she doesn't completely believe me or take my feelings seriously.. I believe she thinks something like: sexual feelings are not emotional feelings and therefore 'less-than.' Anyway: the facts: We've been married about three years. I'm 31 and she's 28. We're both fit and attractive and 'match,' if that makes sense. both slightly introverted, artsy & successful. She's edits a feminist magazine so always has great arguments, & works for government. I work in a visually creative industry. Sex is great when it happens, usually about an hour or so & we both orgasm. We live together and are moving from her country to mine, getting Visas in order etc.. so we're planning on a life together in the future. Sometimes we have sex as 'often' as twice a month, but more often TWO OR THREE MONTHS will go by -- which for me is ABSOLUTE TORTURE! I am insanely attracted to her -- always have been from the first time I saw her -- sexually attracted but also I just love being around her, living with her -- her sense of humor, her moral character.. I know that sounds weird.. just her "personal aura" in general. We got married after a month of dating & had great sex all the time the first 1/2 year. I don't care what her hair looks like, what she wears, if she's dirty & smelly or clean, I am just always insanely attracted to her. I love the way she smells, the sound of her voice, her ideas/laugh. anyway. In my perfect world we would be having sex twice a day.. but I realize I probably think that b/c I feel I'm so deprived.. so I would probably be VERY happy with the 'normal' 3-4x a week thing that everyone always talks about. I think my sex drive is pretty normal, but my wife is always poking around for the reasons I have "excess sexual energy." She thinks it has to do with being unhappy. I really try to explore that topic with her, and sometimes I feel like she's convincing me -- ie, maybe I want to have sex because I'm feeling lonely, or I NEED something from her -- she hates feeling needed. But really I have a wonderful life -- great good paying fun job, good friends/family/hobbies -- After three years I think, actually.. uh.. one of my needs is sex -- it's not because of anything else -- I just need it. for the physical and emotional connection. I'm tired of feeling guilty/ashamed of that "need." Why is it so bad? do I deserve a frown & a sigh every time I ask if she wants sex? I'm stuck because I can't go looking for that bond from another woman (although in more frustrating moments, I daydream about posting stuff online like "looking for someone to have a lot of sex with, no emotional commitment please" -- or just going to a brothel to be released) -- anyway, I can't get it from her -- so I have no outlet and sometimes I feel like banging my head through a wall. actually, not sometimes -- waaaay too often -- I feel TORTURED. the feelings pass, but they always come back & it sucks! I don't think women realize how intense it really is, & just shrug it off. it sucks to have to restrain yourself AND not persue sex elsewhere -- then at least I'd have somewhere to pour the energy into. although maybe it's not a girl/guy thing.. anyway exercise helps, but sometimes I go swimming for so long & swim so hard "work it off" that I almost kill myself. I masturbate in the shower a lot.. but that only works a little. I want that real physical emotional connection with someone else. one day I was so frustrated, I mb seven times! I actually finally felt some relief by the end -- this weird Zen state and I was so happy for a few hours to be free -- but I can't be doing that every day. I'm looking for advise. The no sex thing is a BIG problem, but it causes even bigger problems. Like: I get insecure around her and try to be really nice & just 'wait' for her to be in the mood. but that's like being in the waiting room at the doctor's office or something for three months, just getting more and more angry that they're not calling your number. I feel like my confidence is being slowly dismantled and there will be nothing left of me. hmm.. I'm sounding more angry than I realized.. but anyway, when they finally call your number you're pissed off. as in: when we finally do have sex, it's hard to enjoy it because of all the anger that has built up, or just a general deadening sadness b/c I know it will be over soon & then I'll have another undefinable amount of time to wait. she has all the power. I've told her that, and she doesn't want the power, but there's no way around it. she really is the most wonderful sweet loving fair person and isn't "doing anything wrong" at all. So I know all my anger towards her isn't really valid.. it's just the situation I guess. when I tell her how I feel about it I get some relief from my anger, but she gets sad & I hate to disappoint her & make her sad, so I lose track of my anger & nothing is solved. I really love her. So that makes it harder to bring up my feelings the next time. So I repress them.. but she knows something is wrong & we go through a 'weird' phase. then I finally tell her.. big cycle. anyway. I feel like if we could just have sex often enough for me to feel less powerless, I could be 'myself' again -- have some confidence, "be a man" and not so annoying to myself or her -- but as it is now, I feel like her servant, even if she doesn't want one. What do I do???!! .. how do I think about this thing differently? From her side: she says she wants to have a healthy sex life, but has intimacy/trust problems. I believe that's because she's had a lot of grief/loss in her life, but I'm just scared of not getting any sex for my entire life. I can't give her an ultimatum b/c her past is her past & she can't change it -- and I love her too much to consider leaving her. when I do consider it I feel physically ill. we've been to a therapist multiple times both together and on our own. we've tried all sorts of things, like: I should try talking to her about sex because it turns on her "mind" rather than trying to get her in the mood by cuddling etc. doesn't work.. doesn't seem spontaneous & she puts an end to it. many times, we finally have sex when I've just about given up and have started to think about cutting my losses. then I'm trapped all over again. The story is much more complicated, of course, but the sex is the core issue, I think. What I'm curious about is: what have other people done in this situation? Should I expect her to 'try more?' I was reading the post "Sexless marriage - how common?" and someone older said it took him waaay too long to figure out that his wife should have been trying harder .. finally years later after having several kids he found some way of correcting the situation and leveling out the power balance. how? he didn't say. I don't want my wife to feel "forced" to do anything of course -- but I feel like she should at least be trying more.. but when I bring up the issue she says, "I just want to be myself." which to me sounds like "I will only have sex when I feel like it & wont try." should I press her to try more? anyway, thoughts/suggestions/advise very very welcome.
Recommended Posts