Does my ex still want me

[SoVicious]

Well this is my first post, so to describe what is happening is going to take a long post. I apologize for the length of the message but it would mean a lot if everyone would read it and let me know their opinion.

 

My ex and I dated for 1.5 years. She was my first real relationship, but she was way more experienced than I was. I had trouble with trusting her after she broke my trust. Our relationship ended on a horrible note. We had been fighting for a couple days before we broke up. I called her the night we broke up and she answered my call, which she had been ignoring to this point, she told me she was going out with two guys who she met while playing a game online who she thought she knew from high school. Needless I say, I flipped out. She wouldnt let me come with her and I was confused and concerned for her safety. I asked her at the end of the phone call if we were still together because it didnt feel like we were, and she said yes we are still together. I tried calling her later that night and she wouldnt answer, I began to get angry and worried. I texted her to call me in 45 minutes and let me know she was okay. She never did, and i went on facebook and changed my status to single out of anger. The next day she did the same, and that was that. Thats when I started doing all the wrong things. I begged her to come back, and I was needy and desperate. I was like this for about half a week before I apoligized to her for the way I was acting. The first time we hung out after we broke up, my ex kissed me and made out with me, and cuddled with me, and cried saying she didnt want me angry at her. Then we went out together a couple nights and it felt like we were still together except she wouldnt let me hold her hand or anything that a couple does. I tried telling her how much I loved her on these dates(which is a mistake) and she told me that she still has feelings for me but she was just tired of dealing with the troubles of our relationship and that I was too new and needed to see other people. So I cut back the time we hung out to about twice a week, I know still bad. During the times we went out though, if we went anywhere to eat I would make her pay for half of the bill, which i never did when we were together. Last week she called me because she was having a bad day with her parents and told me she was on campus(we go to the same college), so i asked her if she would like me to come pick her up, since she had no ride home. She agreed and also agreed to come with me to the mall to pick out some new shoes. She was extremely touching that day, which i ended up giving her a massage and she was holding my arm, a lot of things she was not doing on the dates before, even though i felt the strong want for me to kiss her, i did not. also she asked what classes i was taking the next semester and she signed up for one of the classes i was taking, and said it would be fun to have a class together. i called the next day to see what she was up to, she just said she was playing a game, so i told her i would let her do that and i will talk to her later, then she suggested that we go to the bookstore together the next day. i agreed and this is when it gets interesting. after we left campus she asked if i could give her another massage. i agreed and one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. However, before we had sex she told me that I was not the last person she was with. She told me that he had nothing to do with our breakup and that it just sounded like a good idea at the time, but it meant nothing to her. she also made it clear that this was just sex to her. this angered me and again out of anger i went against my own judgment and did something i shouldnt have, and slept with her. after we finished she asked me "are you happy now?" and i was shocked. i told her no i wasnt happy and she was shocked with my reply. after we had sex i thought that would be it and i would take her home, but she ended up wanting to pick up her sister and heading over to the coffee shop, the three of us. unsuspecting to me, her parents were at the coffee shop when we arrived. my ex's sister and my ex left me alone with the parents. the parents asked me how i had been and they told me that they missed seeing me around, and told me even thought my ex and i arent together anymore i could still swing by and check in with them, because they enjoyed my company. i politely agreed, while thinking in my head, YEAH RIGHT! my ex came back and tried to feed me some of the food her sister and her got but i kept declining and she asked why i was so angry. I didnt say anything and just stared at her with a look saying "i wonder why". i dropped her off that night and explained to her that i see why we broke up noww, because she wants to go out and have fun without worrying about having a boyfriend, to which she did not deny. she said "i couldnt even do things that were fun, without worrying what you would think of it." i told her i was sorry for the way i acted and that it was unacceptable and that i shouldnt have told her what she could and couldnt do and who she could and couldnt see. after talking with her i told her that i love her and she said " alright well i will call you later". after she said that i decided to start NC. It had to be broken the next day because we had a class together. i saw that she had a friend in that class and was relieved because i thought that she would sit with him instead of me, but she still came and sat with me, and wanted to joke. I told her about a girl I had been hanging out with and she seemed to get jealous of her and said things like " oh so new girlfriend, new coffee shop?" she said that because i went to a coffee shop with the other girl. Also she said that my jacket did not smell the same, and i made the comment "oh.. thats probably not me." and she had a very surprised look on her face. I was just very short with her , but i did give her a ride home because it was raining and i would feel bad otherwise. during the ride home i did not speak with her, but when we got toward her house she asked if something was bothering me, to which i just shrugged. i was angry that she did not know what was wrong. she thanked me for the ride home and again i just said sure. i did not walk her to her door like i did all the other nights we had hung out, and she seemed surprised by that because she kept the door open almost like she was waiting for me to turn the car off. As soon as she closed the door I took off and that has been the last i have heard of her. That was 2 days ago. I have talked to several friends about this, and most agree that "she wants to have her cake and eat it too". meaning she wants to go out and have fun and not worry but still wants to have you around. What are your guys opinion on this?

[bittersweet memories]

Its really hard to read..try putting them in paragraphs.

 

It will make it easiar for others to read.