skylarblue Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 The inevitable has happened. I can’t believe I’m pregnant by my MM. This is the most awful and horrible thing that I’ve faced up to this point in my life. I am on the verge of losing anything and everything I care about. Did I expect it? No. I should have because I know how a baby is formed, but I really didn’t expect it to happen to us. I thought we were being safe enough (sans bc), and I honestly thought I’d have a difficult time getting pregnant since I’ve never used birth control and never had a pregnancy (but never been as risky), but I was wrong. MM said “well, we went 5yrs before it happened”, but actually it only took like 6-8mos. He thinks I may be only 1-1.5 mos pregnant since he slipped in early Dec. I think I’m at least 2mos because my last period was Nov. But I know I deserve it. I knew better; I knew the risks and despite rationality and consequence I continued to let it happen. And though I’m not a bad person, I did like having an A at the expense of the W, but it really had nothing to do with her or him for that matter. Had I had a better feeling of self-worth or able to have a sense-of-self independent of the validation of others I, he, or she probably wouldn’t be dealing with this. I’ve never accept any responsibility in the A taking place as I am the one who is not married and my intentions are/were not to take him from his W and family. However, being pregnant by her H seems like it’s a whole new different ballpark and I accept at least half (sometimes I feel even more) responsibility for the A. The only thing that I can see that is not negative about the situation is that my MM is a good guy. I chose him because I thought he was a decent man and he proved to be more than I thought. For 5yrs+ I assumed my MM was only with me for sex; that in importance I was meaningless and other than sexually, the A insignificant. But he really showed he cared about me and my feelings and well-being. He wouldn’t even discuss it over the phone as he said he felt I deserved to be able to talk to him face-to-face about it. He was completely understanding, apologetic, sympathetic, comforting, and supportive. One thing I did not expect was him being sure that I understood he would not pressure me to do anything. That he was here to support me in whatever I thought was best for me. If I decided to have the baby, it was our baby and he accepts the decision and his responsibility as the father. If I decided to abort, he would use his vakay time so he could physically and emotionally be there for me. That he’d do whatever he had to at home to make sure I was taken care of and not feeling alone. I’m glad my initial judgment of him was right, although I wish it didn’t take a pregnancy for me to see it. I told him my decision so now he’s trying to find the best place for me to go and get his vakay time in order. If anything, I’m just very glad he’s here as I couldn’t turn to anyone I know.
Spark1111 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Skylar....I am so sorry you are dealing with this now. I am happy that for now, you at least have his support, no matter what you decide.
Fallen Angel Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Oh Skylar.. are you sure, really sure about what you are planning to do?? My heart is breaking for you... please make sure you really think about this decision.. you still have time... either way, once you make it, there is no going back... (why is there no "I am sobbing" face?) (((((((((hugs for skylar))))))))))
fooled once Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 The inevitable has happened. I can’t believe I’m pregnant by my MM. This is the most awful and horrible thing that I’ve faced up to this point in my life. I am on the verge of losing anything and everything I care about. Did I expect it? No. I should have because I know how a baby is formed, but I really didn’t expect it to happen to us. I thought we were being safe enough (sans bc), and I honestly thought I’d have a difficult time getting pregnant since I’ve never used birth control and never had a pregnancy (but never been as risky), but I was wrong. MM said “well, we went 5yrs before it happened”, but actually it only took like 6-8mos. He thinks I may be only 1-1.5 mos pregnant since he slipped in early Dec. I think I’m at least 2mos because my last period was Nov. But I know I deserve it. I knew better; I knew the risks and despite rationality and consequence I continued to let it happen. And though I’m not a bad person, I did like having an A at the expense of the W, but it really had nothing to do with her or him for that matter. Had I had a better feeling of self-worth or able to have a sense-of-self independent of the validation of others I, he, or she probably wouldn’t be dealing with this. I’ve never accept any responsibility in the A taking place as I am the one who is not married and my intentions are/were not to take him from his W and family. However, being pregnant by her H seems like it’s a whole new different ballpark and I accept at least half (sometimes I feel even more) responsibility for the A. The only thing that I can see that is not negative about the situation is that my MM is a good guy. I chose him because I thought he was a decent man and he proved to be more than I thought. For 5yrs+ I assumed my MM was only with me for sex; that in importance I was meaningless and other than sexually, the A insignificant. But he really showed he cared about me and my feelings and well-being. He wouldn’t even discuss it over the phone as he said he felt I deserved to be able to talk to him face-to-face about it. He was completely understanding, apologetic, sympathetic, comforting, and supportive. One thing I did not expect was him being sure that I understood he would not pressure me to do anything. That he was here to support me in whatever I thought was best for me. If I decided to have the baby, it was our baby and he accepts the decision and his responsibility as the father. If I decided to abort, he would use his vakay time so he could physically and emotionally be there for me. That he’d do whatever he had to at home to make sure I was taken care of and not feeling alone. I’m glad my initial judgment of him was right, although I wish it didn’t take a pregnancy for me to see it. I told him my decision so now he’s trying to find the best place for me to go and get his vakay time in order. If anything, I’m just very glad he’s here as I couldn’t turn to anyone I know. I think subconsciously, you wanted this to happen ~ take a look at what I bolded above. You played with fire .... you willingly, thoughtfully and intentionally had unprotected sex with him (and thereby exposing yourself and his wife to an STD) and now you are pregnant. I want to say this as nicely as I can....I hope in the future, not only do you stay away from married men, but you also learn to use birth control.
jwi71 Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Given your previous posts here I don;t think I can add anything. I can only say good luck and best wishes for you, your child and the future.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Can I ask? You've decided not to have the baby? I guess under the circumstances, it's probably best, but are you 100% sure? You say he's a good man, but ... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2499138&postcount=11 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2499138#post2499138 Maybe you need to go back and re-read some older threads.. And, use this opportunity to leave your MM for good since he isn't going to leave his wife. He's double your age and you're young, no kids, yet want your own family some day.. Before you make your final decision, go talk to a professional.
scatterd Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Im sorry but from reading all your other post you seem to want to hurt his wife maybe I am wrong.Wish ya luck.You need to think about this long and hard like his wife and him having the baby over on week ends the cost.Babys cost alot I hope you understand a child is for ever.Does his wife know yet.How about future are you able to provide.Aloy can happen after the fact things can change.I hope you are aware of all the things that come along with this.Take care:confused::bunny:
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 scat, she's decided to abort the baby. I told him my decision so now he’s trying to find the best place for me to go and get his vakay time in order. If anything, I’m just very glad he’s here as I couldn’t turn to anyone I know. Sky, make sure you get counselling afterwards. And, end the A completely. It's the LEAST he can do by going with you.. He isn't a 'nice' or 'good' guy at all. I have read that other thread. He sounds like your typical cake eating MM. Lots of kids, 2 marriages and he's cheating on his current wife. Heal yourself, and get on with your life, without this guy. You are young and spent way too many years with him. HE has taken your early 20's and set a tone for you. Somehow being in this situation for so long has made you not care about many important things in life - BUT, atleast now you see that the A is wrong, the damage it's done and yes, his wife (in another one of your threads) probably knows he's cheating. She asked and like a typical MM, denied it and lied about it. He is NOT a good guy, so please, stop thinking of him in such a pure light.
Samantha0905 Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I agree with the counseling afterwards, but I also hope you get counseling before. It's a huge decision and I could easily see where it could be one a woman would always have some regrets about if she chose abortion. I'm pro choice, but I think this is definitely not something to be taken lightly. Consider how you will feel down the road and please see a counselor beforehand.
overmyhead Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Hello. Hope you dont mind me chiming in but I have a very similar situation. I also have a sweet precious baby. I posted a week or so ago. Maybe you could look it up. During my pregnancy my MM said all of the right things. That he would support me whatever choice I made. That he would tell his wife if need be. That he would never leave me alone. He kissed my belly, love me and he child. Then there was dday. I guess he forgot all of those things because once his wife found out he, excuse me, they decided they did not wish to know if he was the baby's father or not. I was married when I became pregnant. My husband found out and had a paternity test done. The test came back and revealed the baby was my xMM's. I think in his heart my xMM knows the baby is his but because he is trying to reconcile with his wife they say the dont wish to know. He did say he'll take responsibility - like my child is a car payment or something like that. Anyway, I havent told him that I know the paternity results. I tell you this because I understand how terrible it feels to be in your situation. I look at my baby and cry every day because he/she will never have a happy life with a mommy and a daddy. I considered an abortion for like half a second and realized that I could never do it. Not saying I'm against it. I think everyone has the right to choose, it just wouldnt work for me. With all of this being said...I would not give up one second with my child. Not one. I dont care how this baby was made, who the father was or what the circumstances. This child, is the one thing that has kept me going after the fallout of losing both my husband and my MM. I will send prayers up for you as I know how hard this is. Hang in there.
doushenka Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 The inevitable has happened. Pretty much sums it up. How many people here have told you to use birth control if you didn't want to get knocked up by your MM? It's not like you were actually diagnosed infertile -- you just guessed. At least your MM is stepping up to take care of things. Now, for the love of God, will you go to Planned Parenthood and ask them for the Pill?
jj33 Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Sorry you are going through this and very pleased to hear you made what I think is a very wise decision. the whole thing is too complicated and you are wise IMO not to bring a child into it. Im sure you will be a great mother when the time is right. I also hope this will be an awakening for you - you matter you are important and your needs are important.
bentnotbroken Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Be sure of your choice. Get counseling and get birth control for future escapades.
jj33 Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Skylar we havent heard back from you. Hope you are OK or perhaps you vented and that was that.
Author skylarblue Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Originally Posted by jj33 Skylar we havent heard back from you. Hope you are OK or perhaps you vented and that was that. Thank you to everyone for all your words and concern. Yes I am okay (sorta) just haven’t been on the pc, but I’ve been reading replies over the cell. I don’t even know why I posted. To vent some and because I’ve posted numerous times about my fear of a pregnancy and had many, many warnings given to me, the last I think with FA. I just don’t feel like the same person anymore and I’m not even sure what that means. Again thank you everyone for your well wishes.
Author skylarblue Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Originally Posted by fallen angel Oh Skylar.. are you sure, really sure about what you are planning to do?? My heart is breaking for you... please make sure you really think about this decision.. you still have time... either way, once you make it, there is no going back... (why is there no "I am sobbing" face?) (((((((((hugs for skylar)))))))))) FA, I’m just not an emoticon user (you’re a sweetheart). I actually haven’t cried until today, but it’s only been 4 days since I got 2 positive pregnancy readings from 2 different brands testing kits. I was hoping the first was wrong so I bought another. I’m still trying to convince myself that everything could be a false pregnancy. This is just such a mess and the more time goes by, the more it sinks in that I’ve made a complete f*ck up, the more I feel like…I don’t even know how to describe the mixture of emotions and thoughts. The only thing I know is that I have to get myself out of this situation quickly and there is only one way. I don’t have an option right now in my life. Originally Posted by fooled once I think subconsciously, you wanted this to happen ~ take a look at what I bolded above. You played with fire .... you willingly, thoughtfully and intentionally had unprotected sex with him (and thereby exposing yourself and his wife to an STD) and now you are pregnant. I want to say this as nicely as I can....I hope in the future, not only do you stay away from married men, but you also learn to use birth control. Other posters have said that subconsciously, I wanted this to happen before it actually happened. I didn’t want it to happen. I wish it never happened. I knew the possibility, but I was so hoping we would skirt the odds. I was uncomfortable with all the risks, but I wanted to please him too. And I also liked feeling like he was putting me in such high regards by taking that chance as a MM. Even before I got pregnant I wondered if maybe he wanted me to get pregnant, possibly for a son (he has 4 girls (2 grown) and 1 boy). I just thought it was weird for him to be so risky and trusting (that I’d not expose the A to his W if I became pregnant). But again, and I’ve said it before, I felt so flattered. Now I have to pay the price while an innocent party pays the ultimate price. I liked seeing MM. I can’t see myself dating another MM again.
Author skylarblue Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Originally Posted by scattered Im sorry but from reading all your other post you seem to want to hurt his wife maybe I am wrong.Wish ya luck.You need to think about this long and hard like his wife and him having the baby over on week ends the cost.Babys cost alot I hope you understand a child is for ever.Does his wife know yet.How about future are you able to provide.Aloy can happen after the fact things can change.I hope you are aware of all the things that come along with this.Take care Scattered, I never wanted to hurt his wife. If I did I could have done it long ago. I know I have a skewed way of seeing things, but I’ve tried to explain that hurting her, breaking up the M, exposing the A, or bringing it all to fruition was and still is not my intent. His W does not know about the A or pregnancy. She will not know. Either decision is one that’s forever. I am aware of everything you’ve said which is why I’ve decided to not have this child. Originally Posted by whichwayisup Sky, make sure you get counselling afterwards. And, end the A completely. It's the LEAST he can do by going with you.. He isn't a 'nice' or 'good' guy at all. I have read that other thread. He sounds like your typical cake eating MM. Lots of kids, 2 marriages and he's cheating on his current wife. Heal yourself, and get on with your life, without this guy. You are young and spent way too many years with him. HE has taken your early 20's and set a tone for you. Somehow being in this situation for so long has made you not care about many important things in life - BUT, atleast now you see that the A is wrong, the damage it's done and yes, his wife (in another one of your threads) probably knows he's cheating. She asked and like a typical MM, denied it and lied about it. He is NOT a good guy, so please, stop thinking of him in such a pure light. You may be right about him being your typical cake eating MM. Funny but I’ve never looked at him that way, but I look at other MM in A that way. I guess I do have a high regard of him. He’s never promised me anything (other than now) or lied to me and I never demanded anything from him so I can’t blame him because I allowed myself to stay in a going-nowhere R with him. I know he’s cheating on his W, but he still loves her and take care of her and his family. He really does have many of the qualities that I respect so I have a hard time thinking of him in a light that’s not positive. I do feel bad for his W. For once I don’t feel like “I’ve won” over her sorta speak. I just feel bad her and I’m sorry I did this to her. It’s weird, but it didn’t even cross my mind about ending the A now. In fact, after we discussed about me being pregnant I asked him “does this mean you’re going to stop seeing me”. WTF…It didn’t dawn on me to get out. Right now, I need him. He’s all I have. But when this is over, after he’s stood by me, how could I just end it with him. I would feel so bad and two-faced.
Author skylarblue Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Originally Posted by overmyhead I posted a week or so ago. Maybe you could look it up. During my pregnancy my MM said all of the right things. That he would support me whatever choice I made. That he would tell his wife if need be. That he would never leave me alone. He kissed my belly, love me and he child. Then there was dday. I guess he forgot all of those things because once his wife found out he, excuse me, they decided they did not wish to know if he was the baby's father or not… I tell you this because I understand how terrible it feels to be in your situation. I look at my baby and cry every day because he/she will never have a happy life with a mommy and a daddy. I considered an abortion for like half a second and realized that I could never do it. Not saying I'm against it. I think everyone has the right to choose, it just wouldnt work for me. With all of this being said...I would not give up one second with my child. Not one. I dont care how this baby was made, who the father was or what the circumstances. This child, is the one thing that has kept me going after the fallout of losing both my husband and my MM. I read your previous post about your story. I can’t help but think that my MM would completely change after the baby was born. I don’t see him ever telling his W. How could he manage to hide his child forever? Plus, I’d never allow it. I also see him doing whatever he had to to save his M if dday happened, even if it was at my expense. Not that he has done anything to make me think he was the type, but I know most MM try to save their M at whatever cost. I’m pro-choice but I never thought I would have or want to abort my own baby. I saw myself with a H and M beforehand so I’d have no need to. I know in this situation that I will though. But I can’t help but think what my baby would look like when she/he is put in my arms for the first time or when he/she is learning to crawl or take his/her first steps, first words, first birthday…And I’m going to take it all away and it really hurts.
Author skylarblue Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Originally Posted by jj33 Sorry you are going through this and very pleased to hear you made what I think is a very wise decision. the whole thing is too complicated and you are wise IMO not to bring a child into it. Im sure you will be a great mother when the time is right. I also hope this will be an awakening for you - you matter you are important and your needs are important. I think it is the wise decision for me. It’s not the right time or circumstances. I have nothing positive in my life right now to offer a child. Neither decision may be a “good” decision, but only one decision would not lead to an irreversible disastrous outcome. Fooled once, doushenka, bentnotbroken…I do plan to get on birth control after this. I never want to be in this position again ever in life.
Fallen Angel Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Sky, Please speak to a crisis pregnancy counselor before you DO ANYTHING!!! I, too, am pro-choice, but coming from a place of having miscarried a baby I thought I didn't want to have... and then later having my daughter pass away.. Well, I can tell you, firsthand, that it will stay with you for a lifetime. I am not saying that abortion is the wrong choice for you. It may vey well be the right choice, but to hear you say that you have "no other options" at this point is concerning, as there are MANY options available to you, but you are just not seeing them all right now. I wish I could just grab you and move you in with me and take care of you...I would if I could, I swear it.. in fact, if you ever need to just run away, my door would always be open hun. Do you have family near you? Friends? You need to gather your support around you closely, not your MM who has his own agendas, but the people who love you withotu any stake in your decision. Let them help you now. Let them help you see ALL the options, before you do something you can't take back.
Author skylarblue Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Originally Posted by fallen angel Sky, Please speak to a crisis pregnancy counselor before you DO ANYTHING!!!... Do you have family near you? Friends? You need to gather your support around you closely, not your MM who has his own agendas, but the people who love you withotu any stake in your decision. Let them help you now. Let them help you see ALL the options, before you do something you can't take back. FA, I think the advice is wise and I think I will talk to a counselor before I do anything, but I don’t think its going to change what I’ve decided I’m going to do. But who knows. At least I won’t always think “what if I had talked to someone first”. I’m not going to tell my MM though. I don’t have anyone other than MM that I can go to for support. Any family/friend that is significant I will either lose or would support me, but make me feel a lot worse in the process. The thing is I don’t want anyone to know so I can’t reach out to them. You remind me of a friend of mine, the only one in the whole world that I’ve confided everything in my life to including the A. We have been through so much together and have had to carry each other through some of our darkest time. She moved almost 4000miles away about 5yrs ago and we lost contact about 2yrs ago. But she sent me a xmas card last year with her ph# and wanting to reconnect again. Had she still lived here, she’s the only person I would have confided in. Maybe I will give her a call.
Ellin Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Dear Skylarblue. I'm sorry to hear about your heartbreak. Whichever decision you make it will have difficult long-term consequences - I know something about it. It would be really good if you had support from someone other than just your MM. If you have no one else to turn to, at least a counsellor, but you've already said you want to go. I wish you all the best in your future.
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