Beebie Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I've not posted on LS for a while. I've been quietly trying to come to terms with my situation but things have happened in the last 24 hours and I'm dazed, confused and hurting desperately. My full story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205051/ but here's a brief recap: Married 15 years. H announces last September he wants to split. He swears there is no-one else (which I never believed). The last 5 months have been spent with me living in the family home and H spending only a few days here a month. H is up to his eyes in debt with his own business (on which he has borrowed all the equity in our house). So, last night H finally admitted he has been seeing someone else. What's worse is his WHOLE family knew about it and have even been dining out with her. H told me his mistress's sob story about her having a bad marriage and how they have all been "helping" each other. I feel absolutely betrayed - not only by H but by his whole family who have been actively encouraging his affair (I spoke with his mother on the phone last night who told me the OW has been so good to her). I'm so utterly angry I WANT REVENGE. I know this post is brief but I'm not thinking clearly right now and I don't know what to do. I'm absolutely GUTTED by the betrayal of his family. I want to make them all pay for their betrayal but I don't know what I can do. I saw a Solicitor a couple of months ago but H's finances are so bad there's nothing I can walk away with. I'm in a really bad place now and there seems to be no justice.
jesslindy Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 The best revenge you can get is to live a great life, get happy, and get busy livin'. He will end up alone, and watching you flourish will be the best revenge you could ever get. Take care of yourself.
PWSX3 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Like Jess said; take the high road & do everything in your power to make you happy, learn what part you had in the marriage & build from those mistakes. The best revenge is showing you have moved on, and working at being even a better person every day....
Cranialrupture Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 The best revenge you can get is to live a great life, get happy, and get busy livin'. He will end up alone, and watching you flourish will be the best revenge you could ever get. Take care of yourself. 100% agree. It's the harder way and slower way to revenge, but it's so much more satisfying in the long run. So what if you lose everything. I let my ex take almost everything. I looked at it as a fresh start. I don't even have a blender right now. lol. I am slowly working to get all the necessities back but I couldn't be happier. Now this is just my opinion but I would rather die empty handed than have a bunch of stuff that constantly reminded me of my ex and die miserable. Having a spouse betray you like that is bad enough let alone a whole family. Doesn't say much for him or his family and all the more reason to rid yourself of him as much as possible. Clean it off and start fresh.
soul searching Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I understand completely how you are feeling... revenge sounds like such a good idea at first. Something to make him hurt and feel the same feelings of betrayal. But, I agree with everyone else's posts - HE'S so not worth it. Think about all the negative energy and emotion trying to get revenge would take. That's energy you're taking away from someone who needs it - YOU! Stay focused on what's good for you. *!^* HIM! Spending any of your time focused on him is a waste. It is also unlikely to produce the effect you want anyway, esp. if he is someone who has the gall to lie about the OW and then tell you how she's in with his family now. So not worth it... he doesn't get it, and probably never will. Take care of you. He, the OW, and his family all deserve each other!
Ronni_W Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 So, last night H finally admitted he has been seeing someone else. Perhaps he meant that he started seeing her more recently, and not when you and he were still together as a married couple? I know it would be small comfort but it might still be something that can relieve some of your intense feelings. The "rules" do change in the land of limbo called "separated"... legally and, for some, morally, as well. In any case, yes, he did put his family in a horrible position by bringing in a new person so soon after his separation. And your former mom-in-law obviously isn't getting how deeply the news has impacted you, either. They all sound a bit clueless, really. Hugs.
Author Beebie Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Thank you for all your advice. Deep down, I know revenge isn't the answer. I've come to the conclusion that they are all so emotionally and morally bankrupt that revenge wouldn't hurt them anyway. As for the affair - well he denied it all along until Friday and he only admitted it then because I confronted him with evidence. I know for a fact now he's been seeing her since at least March 2009. I'd just like to clarify why his whole family have encouraged it. H and I live in a different city to his family (about 200 miles away). H's father died last year and his mother and the rest of the family want him back living locally. His mother is very dependent and controlling. She would love him back on her territory. H's other family are fed up of running around after the mother, so they want H back there to take the burden off them. Apparently the OW has been "doing a lot" for H's family so they obviously all love her! I just can't get over the betrayal though. I just didn't think they were all capable of this. I feel I'm suffocating with grief and sadness. Edit to add: I should just take my things and run as far away from them as possible. At the same time, I going to miss my husband so much. I was happy - I thought WE were happy. Does that make any sense? Edited January 25, 2010 by Beebie
mrmatt Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I should just take my things and run as far away from them as possible. At the same time, I going to miss my husband so much. I was happy - I thought WE were happy. Does that make any sense? I promise you things will get better over time. You will see breaks in the clouds and clarity will come. I did a lot of revengeful and vindictive things in my divorce over infidelity. I would urge you not to do any of those things. You will only continue to blame yourself more for the ultimate failure of your marriage, thinking that "if only I had not done..., then he would have worked on it with me"...Please believe me on this one. I have learned the hard way. The really, really, gut wrenching hard way.
Brooke79 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 So sad...I am so sorry you are going thru this, pray for strength, clarity and peace of mind. Hopefully you will find happiness, good luck honey.
mixedupone Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 The best revenge you can get is to live a great life, get happy, and get busy livin'. 1+ Also get a really really good solicitor and fight to get as much as you can out of it
Author Beebie Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Well, I've decided take all your good advice and I'm now going to take control of my life. H came home last night (he's still not officially left our home) and he saw a whole different me. I think he was surprised, to be honest. I'm under no illusions that this means anything, but the only way I can be strong and in control is to be the opposite of what he expects me to be. I've found some strength from somewhere and I'm going to live my life now for ME. I'm going to spend the next few days working out how I can improve my future prospects and fulfilling all my ambitions. LS has been a godsend for me. Without all your advice over the last few months I think I would probably be a wreck. I thank everyone who has helped me emotionally. My future starts NOW.
nobmagnet Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Thats the spirit!!!!!!!1 Just think of the positive things about him leaving and it will help no end. The start of the rest of your life is here!! you and me both Nobby xx
Woggle Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Just move on with your life. That is the only thing you can do.
sumdude Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 1+ Also get a really really good solicitor and fight to get as much as you can out of it Be careful with that though. Many times the only one who walks out with much is the solicitor/lawyer if you fight too hard.
Match Factor Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 95% of affairs do not last. Most people who have affairs do not stay with the person they had the affairs with. There is an excitement about running around with someone, and once the cat is out of the bag, the relationship takes on a different dynamic. What bonded them together was their mutual discontent. These relationships almost never work. You husband will eventually want to get back together with you. You have to be prepared for this. It almost always happens in situations like this. WOuld you take him back if he was truly sorry? Betrayal is the worst. There is a part of you that feels that there must be some sort of justice. Heck, after reading your post, I want everyone to pay. However, you are going to need every ounce of energy you have to extricate yourself from this relationship. Though he is in debt, he still has financial responsibility, especially if there are assets (such as the business itself). Be brave and be strong. It took a lot to share your experience. You have what it takes to have a better life than you have ever had before.
NowhereToHide Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Beebie.... I can't imagine the pain you are dealing with. Do you have children? I know about wanting revenge.... but here's the thing: Maintaining your dignity and respect is SO much more powerful than anything you could do to try and get back at him. And think about it... if you were to do something like, oh say set his car on fire , then do you know what everyone would say to your H? Wow! Good job moving on from THAT nut job. Don't ever show him that he's hurt you. Don't let his family know that you're hurting. Funnel that anger and hurt into YOU. The best revenge is him seeing you happy, looking beautiful, and having a life. It will crush him eventually, trust me. Good luck. And by all means, go to IC so you have a healthy place to work all of this through. It will help you to see in time that you can truly be headed to a better place.
kuma Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 My future starts NOW. Great! Beebie, The best revenge is living well. Focus on yourself. Don't let your H waste your time.
Author Beebie Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 No we don't have any children, which is probably a good thing. I'm on that awful rollercoaster. I felt stronger earlier today but I've been in floods of tears tonight. I'm really missing him, even though he's responsible for the hell I'm going through. I keep hoping tomorrow will be a better day and I try to do something positive to make myself feel better but the sadness just brings me crashing back down. I should hate him, but I don't. I'm trying to help myself, I really am. Maybe it's just too early to expect anything more.
SummerLady Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Well, I've decided take all your good advice and I'm now going to take control of my life. H came home last night (he's still not officially left our home) and he saw a whole different me. I think he was surprised, to be honest. I'm under no illusions that this means anything, but the only way I can be strong and in control is to be the opposite of what he expects me to be. I've found some strength from somewhere and I'm going to live my life now for ME. I'm going to spend the next few days working out how I can improve my future prospects and fulfilling all my ambitions. LS has been a godsend for me. Without all your advice over the last few months I think I would probably be a wreck. I thank everyone who has helped me emotionally. My future starts NOW. Way to go!! In the beginning its hard. You feel so betrayed, once you come to terms with that the rest just flows. I know what you are going through and everyone here was so right in advising you, move on and be happy. Life is short. You can't control others but you can control yourself. You can do it, you are strong and can do better. You deserve better. Never ever forget that.....Good Luck.
whatnow1451 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Wow! This story is mine. I am just a few months behind you. My husband of 27 years left me the day after Christmas with nothing but a letter. He is also very mean and all communication is direct and to the point. He also denied another women, but I later found he is living with an employee of his. You are an inspiration to me and I hope I can do as well as you are. I am also 48 and he is 50. I too, keep hoping he will come to his senses, but then I think, why would I want someone who would treat me like this in my life? I just cannot reconcile the person he is today with my husband!!
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