Happygrl10 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Hi all, my first time posting.... I have been dating this guy for a month now. We see each other once a week but we text each other practically every day. I'm not the clingy type and I do believe in personal space. Yesterday he called me after work and we talked for a few minutes. He was basically asking what plans I had for the night and to call/text him later (this was around 6pm). I said sure but didn't text him until late (1am). I know he was out with his friends, which is why I didn't text him earlier because I didn't want to come off as a needy obssessive person but he didn't respond to my text. So just now, I get a text from him that said he's definitely interested but maybe it's best that we just do our own thing. WTF?! I don't get it. I replied and said, "ok, if you feel that way". Why would he say this to me all of a sudden? What did I do wrong? I seriously don't get it. I read all these dating tips and advice about not being too needy and giving the other person space but it seems to have the opposite affect for some people.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Were you guys clear from the start that you're looking for a relationship? Was he? Are you guys exclusive? Does he initiate contact more than you? You avoid being clingy because relationships can make a person needy. You don't go about it using it as a tactic to get him to miss you more. Sometimes that just backfires on you. One more question: are you guys fwb?
westrock Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 When he was asking about your plans, did it sound like he wanted to get together with you that evening? If he wanted to get together then texting him at 1am would be too late to get together that evening. It's possible that in your efforts to not sound needy, you came off to him as sounding like you're not interested in him. Since he texted "he's definitely interested" then it's possible that the whole situation is just some miscommunication. If you're still interested in him, you might want to wait a few days to give him a chance to contact you. If he doesn't and you're still interested then consider calling him up and saying to him that maybe there was some miscommunication about the other night.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 PS. was he referring to being not interested in meeting up or was he referring to being with you in general? I think that's big difference.
Author Happygrl10 Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Were you guys clear from the start that you're looking for a relationship? Was he? Are you guys exclusive? Does he initiate contact more than you? You avoid being clingy because relationships can make a person needy. You don't go about it using it as a tactic to get him to miss you more. Sometimes that just backfires on you. One more question: are you guys fwb? Yes, we were pretty clear that we were open to the possibilities of something serious if the situation was right. We weren't exclusive (never had the talk) but I assumed because we talked throughout the day every day, he wouldn't have time to talk to anyone else. I never asked him and he knows I stand firm on the NO FWB rule. He definitely initiates contact more (70/30). I don't mind initiating too but I wanted to give him space because I've been told that guys don't find it attractive for a girl to be clingy. I loved hearing from him throughout the day, especially the good morning and good night text messages. Maybe he's super annoyed and the feeling will subside over time. I will give him space but I hope he will come back. Afterall, it seems silly for him to drop me just like that.
Satisfaction Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Maybe he thought you weren't interested in him that's why he decided to cool it off. But if he was interested in you, he could have doubled his efforts to you.
Author Happygrl10 Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 When he was asking about your plans, did it sound like he wanted to get together with you that evening? If he wanted to get together then texting him at 1am would be too late to get together that evening. It's possible that in your efforts to not sound needy, you came off to him as sounding like you're not interested in him. Since he texted "he's definitely interested" then it's possible that the whole situation is just some miscommunication. If you're still interested in him, you might want to wait a few days to give him a chance to contact you. If he doesn't and you're still interested then consider calling him up and saying to him that maybe there was some miscommunication about the other night. No, he had made plans with his friends that night so we agreed to do our own thing. He just likes to know my plans and what I did the night before. I hope I didn't come off as being uninterested. Afterall, if I wasn't I wouldn't be replying to him all the time. Since he told me maybe it's best we do our own thing, I think he needs space. I'm sure he meant it as in "let's not see each other anymore".
Author Happygrl10 Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Guys are usually very black and white, right? If they don't want to see a girl anymore, they would be straight up and say "hey, sorry but this isn't going to work out" or just stop calling and taking calls. The fact that he said "maybe we should just do our own thing" leads me to think that he's unsure if that is what he wants and he was throwing it out there because he was ticked off. I dunno, maybe I'm over analyzing everything and it's giving me a headache.
Orchid8 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 It's hard to tell these days because it depends on the person. You may have came across as not interested enough which made him back off. He might try to call you again after some time has passed. I've know men to just text/call me out of the blue in after a few weeks of no contact just to try and start up things again. I never give them a second chance, especially when it takes them that long to break the silence.
Johnny M Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I have been dating this guy for a month now. We see each other once a week but we text each other practically every day. I'm not the clingy type and I do believe in personal space. Yesterday he called me after work and we talked for a few minutes. He was basically asking what plans I had for the night and to call/text him later (this was around 6pm). I said sure but didn't text him until late (1am). I know he was out with his friends, which is why I didn't text him earlier because I didn't want to come off as a needy obssessive person but he didn't respond to my text. Ummm, he asked you about your plans because he wanted to go out with you that night. You didn't respond until 1 am. And you don't see what went wrong?? In any event, taking 7 hours to respond to somebody's text (especially if it's someone you're dating) is plain disrespectful. Unless you are at work or can't respond for some other legitimate reason.
meerkat stew Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Agree with John M. If you two were discussing plans for last night, and he asked you to text later but you waited til 1, that would peeve lots of guys, he probably meant for you to text him at 7-8 and possibly meet out. I have a hunch he was checking his phone every 10-15 min or so and started getting POd around 11 or so. And not to sound insulting, but I don't buy your "trying not to be clingy" excuse. In fact, I think you are settling on that after the fact, and something else was going on last night ala your playing hard to get and maybe even being annoyed he was going out with friends and not you. The reason I say this is that you sound like a reasonable person, and no reasonable person would think that firming up prospective plans was clingy in any way. I also think there's a chance you and he were/are in a subtextual pissing contest/power game last night. If so, it's childish, but not to be ashamed of, we have all done it and still do it. Relationships can bring out the child in us. But if so, just acknowledge it to yourselves and realize what kinds of bad results can come of such games. Please consider de-emphasizing text messages as a form of early communicating. They cause all sorts of misunderstandings. Use the phone for setting plans.
Author Happygrl10 Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 He had already made plans to hang out with his friends that night, he didn't want to hang out with me. Or maybe I didn't pick up on that. He told me if I wanted to, I could call/txt him later. Which I did, and it wasn't responding to anything.. just a simple "hope you had fun tonight". And I totally agree about lag time in responding to any text.. I usually don't lag more than a few hours and that's if I am legitimately busy.
Author Happygrl10 Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Well, we weren't discussing plans to be together because he specifically told me that he was hanging out with his friend (who he hadn't seen in over a month). He simply asked what I was doing later and I said I was hanging out with the girls. If he made it clear to me that he wanted to meet up later, I wouldn't have waited so long to text him. I think it's just miscommunication. Also, I have tried calling him in the past, to which he never picks up. He always ends up calling me back. That kind of made me wonder at times but didn't think anymore more of it, which is why I decided to text him more instead.
meerkat stew Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Who knows then, he could be playing some game or be upset or just not as interested as he has been, it's only been a month and this is the danger of early relationships where the parties are in such heavy contact with each other. Best wishes getting to the bottom of it and getting it straightened out.
tami-chan Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 OP, why waste time getting to the bottom of it....he flamed out...that's all...plus you already agreed with him saying you guys should do your own thing.
GAchasen Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Guys are usually very black and white, right? If they don't want to see a girl anymore, they would be straight up and say "hey, sorry but this isn't going to work out" or just stop calling and taking calls. The fact that he said "maybe we should just do our own thing" leads me to think that he's unsure if that is what he wants and he was throwing it out there because he was ticked off. I dunno, maybe I'm over analyzing everything and it's giving me a headache. LOL~~~ No... I think women are more black and white. Men, are afraid of confrontation so they avoid it as much as possible. I know I can't generalize here, so I will say...most men;) Yes, you are over analyzing~! Wait and see what happens...Give it some time. You haven't been seeing him very long, yet.
carhill Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Relax..... Disable the text function on your phone... That's it
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I don't think he was definite about ending it hence the use of the word "maybe." I think he was looking for assurance from you that you're as interested as he is. Instead you say "ok, if that's the way you feel." If you don't want it to be over, call him and tell him you don't understand what went wrong but you don't want it to end. What do you have to lose and isn't it the truth?
Author Happygrl10 Posted January 24, 2010 Author Posted January 24, 2010 I don't think he was definite about ending it hence the use of the word "maybe." I think he was looking for assurance from you that you're as interested as he is. Instead you say "ok, if that's the way you feel." If you don't want it to be over, call him and tell him you don't understand what went wrong but you don't want it to end. What do you have to lose and isn't it the truth? My thoughts exactly.. His "maybe" was just to see if I would agree but when I did, he took that as a sign that I was ok with it too. I don't want to be the first to reach out because I've been reading other threads that says guys like to do the chasing and to just give them space until they are ready.
carhill Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 OK, if you want to do the space thing, what are you going to do if/when he texts you, presuming you don't take my quite sensible advice and disable that function?
Author Happygrl10 Posted January 24, 2010 Author Posted January 24, 2010 I will take your advice and diable the text function.. If he texts me, I will just call him. If he does, is it best to not rehash the old and start fresh or let him steer the convo?
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 My thoughts exactly.. His "maybe" was just to see if I would agree but when I did, he took that as a sign that I was ok with it too. I don't want to be the first to reach out because I've been reading other threads that says guys like to do the chasing and to just give them space until they are ready. I don't think he is going to text or call you. I think he was tired of chasing and had decided he couldn't catch you or you didn't want him to, so he was thinking "maybe" I should give up and you told him it's ok with you. He wasn't acting like a man who wanted/needed space. He texts you daily, throughout the day? He gets upset, atleast it appears, because you didn't text him earlier than 1 a.m.? Not all men need space all the time. You may think you're giving him space but I think he see's it as you gave him the message to move on.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I disagree that you should contact him. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't miss a clue about making plans...you each already had plans. Something got to him. Give him his space to figure it out. Continue on with your life and he'll come back around if he wants to. She is just as guilty of not addressing her concerns directly so perhaps they belong together. She is reading everything and listening to everybody but him. I don't see why he will come back around even if he wants to because he believes she is not interested in him. Pride may leave one very lonely.
carhill Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I will take your advice and diable the text function.. If he texts me, I will just call him. If he does, is it best to not rehash the old and start fresh or let him steer the convo? Since I tend to talk in riddles, I'll be more direct. Text functions are really cool things for quick notes and 'I'll be there at six hon'. Relationship dynamics are far better served talking face to face whenever possible, and, if impossible, over the phone. This is important stuff. You are communicating intimacy and emotions. I'm assuming this isn't random hookup FWB-type stuff but rather a real relationship with real emotions. Leave your text function alone. Do not text him proactively. If he texts you (he might, since this seems to have been your method prior), simply text back 'call me, please' and accept his phone call and tell him how you feel and listen to him. I re-read your OP and it sounds to me like things were going fine and both of you got wadded up in communications style differences. Good information. It comes in handy later when one is married
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