Toggo Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I need some serious outside help and the best thought out help that I can possibly get. This will have taken me awhile to type out and I will try to organize it so that it is not too long to read. It all revolves around how I met my girlfriend that I love more than anything else in the world which is why I am so desperate to try and solve this issue that has come up time and time again. I have never found the right words to make this okay. Things about myself: My girlfriend is the only person she has ever dated. I am extremely in love with her and this February will be our 2 yr anniversary. We plan to move off campus together into an apartment and we spend every waking moment with eachother without a problem. She is the one person on the entire world that I can never get tired of. I am a very emotional person if it ever comes to serious discussions as well. Who I was: a nerd back in the first day of college. I've never dated but I've grown a lot since then. I was typically of the anti-social type personality and very introverted. Like I said, hanging around girls was not my fortay Things about her: She is a redhead, she is very smart, and very logical. She is able to separate her emotions from any situations when discussing things. She is well thought out and understands a lot more than I do especially when looking on qualities of life. It is to the point that all of her friends come to her for advice, and never once has she given anything but the best advice. It is the point that I love hearing from her because it is always interesting to see and know what she thinks. It is always so perfect to hear because every time I hear it, I think to myself of how well thought out and right it is. She is a very interesting person. However, relating to the issue in a moment, she has never felt that any man has ever chased after her and that it makes her feel bad about her self image and feels undesirable. She feels she has always been the one to have to chase after men and get them to date her. not the other way around. The issue: First year of college, I met her and a friend of hers the first night. I got both of their numbers. I thought my later to be girlfriend was absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful body, and that night that we sat outside and talked (we met on our way back from a party) with her constantly. She was ALOT of fun. Her phone number didn't work the next day, but her friends did. So after trying to call her, I called the friend and met her. We began to hang out. The other girl, she was anti-social, played videogames, didn't have many friends, and such. She was plain looking to be honest. I thought it would of been easy to date her in light that I had never dated before. So I set my target and pursued her. From here on, I will refer to my girlfriend as M and the other as D for easy referencing and to still avoid names. It was only later as I hanged out with groups of friends that D brought M along. M, without my knowledge, had actually liked my first impression and we got along great. But I was focused on D because I thought the scenario would be easier. (Please spare me as I see myself as a fool already in the past). I gave her more attention and to everyone else it was obvious that I interested in dating her. I had had thoughts of asking M but at the time, I had developed the comparison of what would be easier. M was as I said beautiful. I thought it would be really hard since in my mind I thought there would be multiple guys after her. She was also very social and out-going in conversation. As we hanged out at dining places on campus, I found myself always talking to M way more than D, in fact it would be just me and M talking while D just sat quietly. In noticing sometimes I would remind myself of my goal and get back to talking to D, but it would always flow back to M. I was too much of a fool to see that I liked M a lot more than D and that I should have pursued it because we were a good match. I didn't see this and was too narrowed on D. (btw, I know it may be weird the way I think of all of this but its just how I've come to look back on all of this) Without my knowledge, there was a conversation between D and M because they were good friends. D asked if something was going on when noticing that I was talking to M more. and M said 'yeah I kind of like him' while D replied 'Okay, you can have him. I don't get his humor anyway.' She then pursued my best friend up here at college instead. While I was all without knowledge to this. I continued to pursue D and when it was only when I asked her out that she said she wanted to just be friends that I saw what was going on. I realized she was going after my friend. I let this go after a lot of thinking and when I was feeling down about being rejected for my first time. M asked at one time while passing by if I was okay. It was only later that I noticed M had moved in on me and we started hanging out together by ourselves a lot. Things fell into place and I am now dating her. The problem: So now that I explained all of this. I am sure that any girls can see the problem. She feels like she is second best and that it makes her feel undesirable and that if she stays with me forever she will not be able to feel like she can overcome that feeling of being undesirable. I learned every bit along the way to hanging out with girls, talking to them, being the best boyfriend I can be, and saying the right thing. I've hardly been ever able to say the right thing. This issue has come up so many times, that I dread talking about it and it brings me to tears when I can never find the words to make this right. This is why I have come to here to try and receive some help. I've failed time and time again to try and make her feel better. I tell her how much I was actually into her, how I was too focused on the fact that D played videogames and was anti-social without friends, How I was too naive to know what was going on. She has at times revealed what I could have said to make her feel better about all of this. I beat myself up everyday thinking about this and knowing I was too dumb to say it back then. The issue came up a year ago btw. She is still with me but she still hurts. I could of said that she was prettier than D. Any kind of comparison along those lines. That she was better and not second choice. My answers to try and make her feel better over time, have improved alot when trying but the problem is that she wanted to hear all of this when I first tried. I never knew how to handle any of this stuff but hearing this would have made it better In terms of me talking to her: I was too shy and had so little confidence in myself that I thought I could not get you. I tried to call you first, I found you must more interesting than D on any day. You're absolutely gorgeous and D was plain and stupid (she really was). I pursued her because I was stupid and naive, thinking that she was be easier (my friend that dated her btw. She turned about to be a psycho bitch, and breaking his heart). There is no one on this planet that can compare up to how perfect you are. If I had believed in myself that I was capable of getting a girl like you, I would of asked you out the second we met again. Its short but you know what I mean. I wish so badly I could say something new in my head to make her feel better about all of this. She really hurts from it and I hate myself that I am the cause of it. I know that our relationship can't ever really be complete unless I can find the right words to overcome this. I want desperately to stay with her for all of my life. She is in my eyes, perfect. She is constantly self-less in life and she deserves to feel great about herself. And I have to stop here because it is making my tear up about all of this. Any advice is welcome, and I'm sorry if I got any facts wrong in my head that misconstrues what this actually is. I did not have much time to organize it in my head, but I wrote it down as I went. I apologize if I sound like a monster during all of this, but it isn't about me. I don't care how many days I have to feel bad about this, it'll always be there, but I want to make her feel good at least, and feel better about it all. I love her.
squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 OK. I need to start by saying that this was super long and unnecessarily convoluted. I think what you're trying to convey is that your girlfriend feels insecure in your relationship because you attempted to date her friend first. Is that correct? If this is the case, I'm going to be blunt. Your girlfriend is being immature and she sounds very insecure. I could understand if this were a lingering issue after a month or so, but you have been together for two years. It should not be an issue at this point. Does she really think you would have committed the past two years of your life to her if you didn't want to be with her? You sound like a sweet guy, and you're beating yourself up over something that you can't control. I don't think you've done anything wrong. And your girlfriend isn't necessarily bad in any way. But if this is actually an issue for her, I think she could use some counseling to help her with her self-esteem. Her behavior isn't healthy at this point.
meerkat stew Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 You don't sound like a monster at all. These things happen in young dating, people switch off BFs and GFs in the process of getting to know themselves and find their preferences. Nothing at all strange about this, how you and your GF came to be a couple. Agree with squeaky, It is -her- issue to deal with after all this time, not your obligation to worry about. You never did anything wrong at all in this. Stop indulging her, and let her know very firmly, but kindly, that the time for these feelings on her part is long past, that she needs to move past them, and that you will no longer consider these issues as valid topics for discussion in the relationship. Ask her how she would advise a friend who came to her with this issue, and then tell her to follow her own advice. Finally, at your age, it is crucial that you both continue developing your separate lives to an extent. Not suggesting time apart, dating other people or anything extreme, but spending every waking moment together is not the best course. Develop some activities that you each do apart from each other and separate friends to increase the chance of relationship success long-term. Best wishes.
OnlyJake Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I'm so ashamed of myself for being the grammar police here, but for the love of god, it's "hung out" not "hanged out". And forte, not fortay. I'll just leave it at that. To the matter at hand: your girlfriend is being completely unreasonable. She sounds like a needy drama queen, and it's totally uncool for her to be constantly making you validate your feelings for her. In short, it's her problem, not yours, so stop catering to her.
lordWilhelm Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I think you're making this more complicated than it needs to be. Whatever was in the past doesn't matter; you've been with her for two years now and she needs to move on, and if she doesn't maybe she has a little bit of growing up to do as well. All you can do is tell her how you feel about her and make sure you do so without excuses and needless explanations. Just tell her simply and directly that you love her and that's why you've ended up together. Now if she wants to feel chased... well, why don't you try to do a little bit of the chasing right now! Don't fall in the trap of being clingy/needy esp. now that you're moving together, but give her a good chase, be a bit mysterious and alluring and she will love it.
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