squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 My ex has begun to make me think he has feelings for me again (I could be wrong, but there have been a lot of signs). Last night I invited him to play trivia at a bar with some friends. He doesn't usually go because he doesn't drink and hates bars, but he agreed to come. Everything was going well and we were having fun when he leaned over and said, "I need to talk to you about something, but I will do it later because I know it will upset you. It has nothing to do with you, you'll understand later." I kind of freaked out. I was thinking all of the worst things. He has been going to the doctor a lot and I was afraid he was really sick. He wouldn't say anything else, and at that point I just stopped having fun. He kept trying to reassure me and console me, at the same time saying he didn't feel comfortable talking about this thing in a crowded bar. After trivia he walked off and had a long phone call, and when he came back he told me his uncle had died. He wasn't close to him but said he had cried earlier that day when he found out. I felt really bad for him but I was also relieved that he was OK. I told him how worried I had been, and that I was afraid he was sick. He seemed annoyed. Maybe I came off as dismissive about his uncle? I felt stupid for getting so upset at trivia and assuming that whatever was wrong would impact me. He came over to my house and he was acting very cold. He stayed for awhile but he wasn't being sweet to me anymore the way he has been lately. He didn't want to talk about his uncle. When he left, he hugged me, but he seemed agitated and I felt like I had upset him somehow. Did I offend him? If we were on our way to reconciling, have I done something to throw us off track? Or does his behavior have nothing to do with me? He suddenly seemed so cold towards me after telling me about his uncle, and the whole night he had been affectionate and sweet. What do you think?
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Can anyone help me? I'm worried that I've ruined things.
Ronni_W Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 squeaky, His uncle had just died. What kind of "sweetness and affection" do you really think he had the capacity for, in his time of personal loss? Put yourself in his shoes and frame of mind. (Don't make it about you!) Send him a sympathy card, or hand-deliver if that's an option. Ask him what he needs. Accept that he may need silence and space. Offer to attend any funeral or memorial service with him. Let him know that you're available however he may need in the weeks and months ahead. In the meantime, Google something like "helping a friend through death, grieving, mourning", or check with a funeral home or pastor for some tips. Make it about his loss and grief/sadness, not about your fears and insecurities.
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 I know, I didn't mean to be that way. I was just so worried that he was really sick or something, I felt so relieved when he wasn't. I'm not trying to make this about me. I want to express to him that I'm there for him, but now I feel like I've just shown him that I'm an insensitive jerk.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Let it go and do not bring it up. I highly doubt he's angry at you. He is grieving and his mind is on himself, his family and their loss. This isn't about you, so again, don't say a word to him about what you think might have bugged him. If he IS irked at you, I'm sure he's man enough to let you know. Show him in actions that you are there for him. Send him a card, order flowers and have it sent to him, and his family. Go to the funeral/memorial service and just be supportive.
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