squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 My ex has begun to make me think he has feelings for me again (I could be wrong, but there have been a lot of signs). Last night I invited him to play trivia at a bar with some friends. He doesn't usually go because he doesn't drink and hates bars, but he agreed to come. Everything was going well and we were having fun when he leaned over and said, "I need to talk to you about something, but I will do it later because I know it will upset you. It has nothing to do with you, you'll understand later." I kind of freaked out. I was thinking all of the worst things. He has been going to the doctor a lot and I was afraid he was really sick. He wouldn't say anything else, and at that point I just stopped having fun. He kept trying to reassure me and console me, at the same time saying he didn't feel comfortable talking about this thing in a crowded bar. After trivia he walked off and had a long phone call, and when he came back he told me his uncle had died. He wasn't close to him but said he had cried earlier that day when he found out. I felt really bad for him but I was also relieved that he was OK. I told him how worried I had been, and that I was afraid he was sick. He seemed annoyed. Maybe I came off as dismissive about his uncle? I felt stupid for getting so upset at trivia and assuming that whatever was wrong would impact me. He came over to my house and he was acting very cold. He stayed for awhile but he wasn't being sweet to me anymore the way he has been lately. He didn't want to talk about his uncle. When he left, he hugged me, but he seemed agitated and I felt like I had upset him somehow. Did I offend him? If we were on our way to reconciling, have I done something to throw us off track? Or does his behavior have nothing to do with me? He suddenly seemed so cold towards me after telling me about his uncle, and the whole night he had been affectionate and sweet. What do you think?
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Also, I texted him later and apologized for getting upset at the bar, and also for potentially being dismissive and he said I was being too hard on myself. But then why was he suddenly so cold towards me?
OnlyJake Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I'll preface this by stating that I'm not the most forgiving or understanding person; if anything even remotely sounds like drama - ew. The way I interpreted your ex's actions are as such: He acted like a complete drama queen when he told you in the middle of a bar where people are supposed to be having fun that he has some terrible news to tell you - but he won't do it now! You have to wait! He clearly wanted you to worry. Then he finally told you the news, and revealed that he cried and you expressed relief that it wasn't something serious (not that death isn't serious, but it wasn't illness, he's not dying, his mom didn't die, etc.). He wanted you to respond with sympathy and baby him and shower him with all kinds of attention. Then he was annoyed that you didn't react the way he wanted you to. Drama queen!
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 I don't know. He takes death pretty seriously (he has worked in hospice and he is a social worker now), so I don't think he'd play some kind of game with something like this. I felt like he was trying to act like this wasn't bothering him when it really was (in hindsight, I wondered why he would have come out to a bar after hearing about a death in the family). I don't understand why he went about telling me in the way that he did. That was definitely very odd and I think anyone would have felt a bit upset in my position. I am usually very supportive and I just feel like I didn't do a good job last night. And I know it's selfish of me when he's going through a difficult time, but now I'm worried that I messed things up between us.
OnlyJake Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 To answer your other questions: Did I offend him? If we were on our way to reconciling, have I done something to throw us off track? Or does his behavior have nothing to do with me? He suddenly seemed so cold towards me after telling me about his uncle, and the whole night he had been affectionate and sweet. What do you think? I doubt it; I think your ex just thrives on the rollercoaster of negative emotions - he manipulates you and situations - he manipulates a situation, in this case mentioning some serious bad news, but he'll tell you later; you don't respond in the way he wants you to; he punishes you by acting cold toward you; you work really hard to get him to "forgive" you for God knows what (to be very clear, you did nothing wrong). I'm sure other people could explain it better than I can. Basically he's manipulating you into giving him all the power in the relationship by making you validate how you feel about him and by punishing you and making you work to get back into his good graces. Sounds like he has you right where he wants you. His behavior really doesn't have anything to do with you, in the sense that you didn't do anything wrong; it all has to do with him and his ****ty personality. Maybe he's a narcissist or something.
OnlyJake Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I don't understand why he went about telling me in the way that he did. I already explained why he told you the way he did, and I would bet good money that I'm right. Been there, done that.
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 To answer your other questions: I doubt it; I think your ex just thrives on the rollercoaster of negative emotions - he manipulates you and situations - he manipulates a situation, in this case mentioning some serious bad news, but he'll tell you later; you don't respond in the way he wants you to; he punishes you by acting cold toward you; you work really hard to get him to "forgive" you for God knows what (to be very clear, you did nothing wrong). I'm sure other people could explain it better than I can. Basically he's manipulating you into giving him all the power in the relationship by making you validate how you feel about him and by punishing you and making you work to get back into his good graces. Sounds like he has you right where he wants you. His behavior really doesn't have anything to do with you, in the sense that you didn't do anything wrong; it all has to do with him and his ****ty personality. Maybe he's a narcissist or something. We've known each other for 8 months. He is an emotional person, but not histrionic in any way. He's also a pretty upbeat person, and not someone who seems to feed on negative energy or drama. His behavior last night was not the norm for him, which is why I guess I feel worried and confused. I know that this is difficult for him, and I understand why he'd be acting oddly, I guess I'm just worried that maybe I made things worse by being insensitive.
OnlyJake Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 We've known each other for 8 months. He is an emotional person, but not histrionic in any way. He's also a pretty upbeat person, and not someone who seems to feed on negative energy or drama. His behavior last night was not the norm for him, which is why I guess I feel worried and confused. I know that this is difficult for him, and I understand why he'd be acting oddly, I guess I'm just worried that maybe I made things worse by being insensitive. Fine, I'll take your word for it. Just call him and let him know you're there for him if he needs support or someone to talk to. Don't text.
Absolutely Curtains Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Everything was going well and we were having fun when he leaned over and said, "I need to talk to you about something, but I will do it later because I know it will upset you. It has nothing to do with you, you'll understand later." I agree that this is drama queen behavior. What kind of person does that? A mature, emotionally balanced, reasonable person would have either told you before going to the bar; or kept his mouth shut and told you afterward (later that night, the next day, whenever). Since your ex is not a mature, emotionally balanced, reasonable person, I would stop worrying about how you possibly ruined things or how to get him back. You have nothing to worry about.
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Well thank you for your advice. I'm a neurotic person, and it's just stressful for me when I feel like I've done something to upset or hurt anyone I care about. I still feel worried about this but I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
meerkat stew Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Agree with JJake and Curtains, drama queen, likely manipulative, you shouldn't worry at all about offending him. I have a hunch he was setting things up to be annoyed at you regardless of what you did, the whole episode sounds contrived.
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 I really don't agree about the drama queen thing. I mean, I see where you're coming from, and I suppose based on this incident you might come to that conclusion. But he's never done anything like this, which is why I was confused/surprised and I decided to ask for advice about it. We had planned to meet for dinner before trivia, but I got held up helping a friend, so we ended up meeting at the bar instead. He told me that he had intended to tell me about this at dinner before trivia. I feel like this was a misunderstanding but it is still stressful.
meerkat stew Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Based on what you typed, why on earth would a mature adult posture the death of a relative he wasn't close to in the way he did other than to get some sort of reaction from you? Had he been truly upset, why was he even there in the first place? Had he truly wanted consolation and for you to share in his feelings, why not call you beforehand? instead of waiting and dropping some "mystery bomb" right in the middle of an otherwise enjoyable night out? Plainly obviously, he inserted the mystery to estimate your feelings for him and get a measurable reaction. Of course, you know him, we don't. He very well could be using his uncle's death as a way to bring you two back together, it's quite immature if that's what he's doing, but it is possible. The question remains, why was he there if he was devastated, and if he wasn't devastated, why did he handle telling you the bad news in the squirrely way that he did? What is the composition of the group you were out with? Is there a prospective rival in the trivia group? Anyone he may perceive as a threat? Any male friend he may be jealous of? Just looking for other possibilities here.
OnlyJake Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Agree 100% with meerkat. Is this the same ex you started these threads about?: Have I pushed him away forever? Are these signs that my ex wants to get back together? Just trying to get a better idea of the situation.
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Based on what you typed, why on earth would a mature adult posture the death of a relative he wasn't close to in the way he did other than to get some sort of reaction from you? Had he been truly upset, why was he even there in the first place? Had he truly wanted consolation and for you to share in his feelings, why not call you beforehand? instead of waiting and dropping some "mystery bomb" right in the middle of an otherwise enjoyable night out? Plainly obviously, he inserted the mystery to estimate your feelings for him and get a measurable reaction. Of course, you know him, we don't. He very well could be using his uncle's death as a way to bring you two back together, it's quite immature if that's what he's doing, but it is possible. The question remains, why was he there if he was devastated, and if he wasn't devastated, why did he handle telling you the bad news in the squirrely way that he did? What is the composition of the group you were out with? Is there a prospective rival in the trivia group? Anyone he may perceive as a threat? Any male friend he may be jealous of? Just looking for other possibilities here. He tends to take a little while opening up about things in general. I don't think he even realized how his wording might affect me, because I think he was kind of wrapped up in his own feelings. The reason why he didn't cancel trivia was because he knew how excited I was about it. My best friend moved away last month, and I've been a bit depressed since she's been gone. I haven't had the time or money to go out much, and I thought that a night out would be good for me. I had planned this trivia night for awhile, and he wanted to come because he knew it was important to me. He decided not to cancel because he felt like he'd be OK, but once we were there, he started to feel upset. He wasn't close to his uncle in the past 3 years because of a falling out his parents had with him, but he had lived with his uncle for 6 years as a child, so this man did play an important role in his life. There was no one there who might be considered some kind of rival, it was all mutual friends. I don't think that he is trying to use this death as a way to bring us together or as some kind of test of my feelings. I think I agree with alphamale that he was just kind of freaked out.
meerkat stew Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 OK, I understand you omitting detail so the OP wouldn't be too long, but several of these new details are pertinent. Back to the topic, if anything you did or said irritated him, it's likely a product of his mood and not your insensitivity (unless there is more pertinent detail with respect to what you did or said ). IMO, you have nothing to apologize for, and if this incident spoils the reunion prospects, it wasn't ready to happen anyway.
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Agree 100% with meerkat. Is this the same ex you started these threads about?: Have I pushed him away forever? Are these signs that my ex wants to get back together? Just trying to get a better idea of the situation. Yes, it's the same fellow
OnlyJake Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Yes, it's the same fellow In that case, I stand by my initial verdict that he's a manipulative drama queen. People who "were hurt in the past" and are therefore "afraid of being hurt" in a new situation are manipulative drama queens, end of story. Those people, who use their pasts as excuses, are not well adjusted individuals. I know you disagree with me so I'm just going to bow out of this thread. Good luck to you.
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 In that case, I stand by my initial verdict that he's a manipulative drama queen. People who "were hurt in the past" and are therefore "afraid of being hurt" in a new situation are manipulative drama queens, end of story. Those people, who use their pasts as excuses, are not well adjusted individuals. I know you disagree with me so I'm just going to bow out of this thread. Good luck to you. Ok, well thank you for your advice. Even if I don't necessarily agree, I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond to all of this
Author squeaky Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 I called him and left a message. I didn't apologize or mention last night. I just said I was calling to see how he was doing and that I was here if he felt like talking.
OnlyJake Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I called him and left a message. I didn't apologize or mention last night. I just said I was calling to see how he was doing and that I was here if he felt like talking. I think that sounds reasonable
Author squeaky Posted January 24, 2010 Author Posted January 24, 2010 Well he still hasn't returned my call. This is the first day in like 3 months that we haven't spoken, so I'm a bit anxious. I spoke to my roommate and my friend about it (both of whom know my ex and were present at trivia last night), and they both think that he is probably just upset about his uncle and he might need some space. I hope they're right. This is so nerve-racking for me. I'm not gonna call him or bother him, but I think it's a bit insensitive that he hasn't returned my call even just to say he needs space. He's never given me the silent treatment before, and the more I've thought about it and talked to other people, I feel like I didn't do anything wrong and I certainly wasn't being intentionally hurtful. I just hope everything works out OK.
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