Not sure about spouses lack of honesty?

[mixedupone]

Sorry this is so long but I'm not sure what to do about my wife's repeated lack of honesty. Frankly I'm concerned it could develop into at least an emotional affair. But I don't know what to do about it, especially since I found out about it by snooping around.

 

I'm not sure whether to confront her about it or to just keep an eye out and see what happens.

 

We have been married 13 years and have a son.

 

This started in August of 2008. We have a joint email account and I noticed a bunch of messages in the delete folder to/from a guy whom we both knew casually from about 10 years ago. He had gotten her email off a mutual friend and recontacted her. He's still single.

 

After initial pleasantries and life updates their conversation quickly turned to talk of crushes/mutual attraction and bad timing.

 

At the time my wife and I were in couples therapy and I brought it up during the session that I had found the messages and how unhappy I was about it and how I would like the contact to stop because I felt it was inappropriate.

 

My wife was very defensive and insisted that he was/is just a friend and that she had said some stupid things and she was sorry but she really saw no reason to discontinue the contact.

 

I said that for me to continue to work on our marriage in therapy she needed to discontinue the contact as this guy is clearly not just a "friend" if he was just a friend why would she be trying to hide stuff by deleting messages etc.

 

Anyway fast forward to this week I notice that every time her cell phone goes off she's running another room to take the call or text.

 

So I start snooping. I check her facebook account (easy since she uses the same password for everything) and sure enough there's a message in her FB sent box to this guy: sorry about stopping contact my husband found the emails and was pissed -- if you still want to be friends call or text me on my cell.

 

So tonight I check her phone and sure enough there's a text from this dude that yes he wants to be friends and will call/text and a reply from her that she's happy that he responded.

 

Do I let it slide and try to keep tabs on it?

Do I confront her and demand we go back to therapy?

 

I'm tired of the dishonesty. This isn't how I want to live my life.

[eeyore1981]

It's already an emotional affair.

 

First you have to decide how far you are willing to go. Are you willing to end your marriage over this? Are you willing to let your wife sneak around?

 

I'm almost 2 and a half years past finding out about my H's affair, so from where I'm at my advice is to tell your wife to either completely dump the other guy, or get the hell out. But don't say this unless you are willing to back it up.

 

Also, if you do confront, remember, they are not just friends, so don't let her convince you otherwise. I have male friends, and I speak to them in front of my H. They come to our house. I don't delete my texts or emails, and I don't sneak around to read them.

[jwi71]

Shes certainly having an EA...maybe its turned physical by this point. I bet it is given the timeframe.

 

I would first decide what YOU want to do.

 

Do you want to fight for her or not?

 

If not, then file for D and move on.

If you do, then you NEED PROOF.

 

The first thing she will do, as your thread is titled, is LIE. You MUST have undeniable unambiguous proof.

 

1)Keyloggers are great. Installl one on ALL computers.

2)Call your cell provider and purchase "detailed billing" for the account.

3)Read the owners manual of her cell phone.

4)At night when she is asleep, go through her cell phone's texts...deleted, inbox, sent and drafts...FORWARD suspicious or "Affair" ones to yourself. Be sure to clear those from the sent folder in the phone. Ditto for FB messages and emails...go through all the inbox, sent, deleted, draft folders and send copies to yourself - followed by deleting the sent evidence from the "sent" folders.

5)Change YOUR passwords on your email so she can't erase your repository of evidence.

6)Create "time traps"...purposefully be away to give her time to communicate with her lover then, after she is asleep, check all the above.

7)Install #1 and purposefully break her cell...thus forcing her to use email. Then say you can't afford to replace it for a few days...until next check hits...whatever excuse works for you. This is to force her on the PC where you can keylog her.

 

This is just the beginning. This is you HAVE to do to get the PROOF you need. To get her to confess the A. And, my friend, this IS the EASY part.

 

Tell no one. Try and not CHANGE your mannerisms. Don't tip her off...you MUST catch her to begin to separate her from the AP.

 

And if you're not up to it...file for D and move on.

[DNU1]

i would say stay low, if you want know whts actually going on

here are some tools might be useful

 

 

install flexispy-pro-X version on her mobile(which will capture deleted maessages, you can listen to calls,you can even trace where she is(gps tracker) )

 

install real time spy on home system...which can not be detectable through any antivirus sw....sit back enjoy the ride....

 

and do not use your credit/debit card for the purchase....

 

Snoop her tail off! Spy everything you can to ensure that she is remaining honest and open.

 

FLEXISPY is GREAT! Spectorsoft makes some great keyloggers. Get them installed NOW!

[dazzle22]

I agree. You should monitor her to decide what you need to do.

 

I wouldn't confront her, since she has shown her true colors with this-she'll just get sneakier and hide things better, so no point tipping her off to your advantage.

 

You have every right to do what you need to do to protect yourself and see what really is going on here. Her privacy is secondary to your protection as a potentially betrayed spouse here.

[atlnay]

May I respectfully ask why is the 1st or 2nd solutions to either snoop or D?

 

OP, you've been with her at least 10 years, can you not express to her finding out about the emails to another man concerns you that she's reaching out to another person for an emotional need and you'd like to be that person she turns to?

[dazzle22]

But doesn't it seem like he has already done that? He went to therapy with her and brought it up appropriately and she got defensive and then sneakier and continued the contact?

[atlnay]

But doesn't it seem like he has already done that? He went to therapy with her and brought it up appropriately and she got defensive and then sneakier and continued the contact?

 

Based on that & what you pointed out, maybe they can try another counselor, maybe that counselor wasn't for them? Maybe?

 

And remember the options he threw out for himself:

 

Do I let it slide and try to keep tabs on it?

Do I confront her and demand we go back to therapy?

 

He's already open to going back to therapy, so add that to being honest with her about how it's hurting him emotionally (something 'some' BWs express their husbands don't do or WW use as one of the justifications for why they cheated) he too can set to tone and HONESTLY tell her how it makes him feel.

[dazzle22]

Based on that & what you pointed out, maybe they can try another counselor, maybe that counselor wasn't for them? Maybe?

 

And remember the options he threw out for himself:

 

Do I let it slide and try to keep tabs on it?

Do I confront her and demand we go back to therapy?

 

He's already open to going back to therapy, so add that to being honest with her about how it's hurting him emotionally (something 'some' BWs express their husbands don't do or WW use as one of the justifications for why they cheated) he too can set to tone and HONESTLY tell her how it makes him feel.

 

Of course we all use our own experience when giving opinions, and mine would tell me, if he already confronted her once in front of a counselor, and told her how it hurt him, and she persists, and in fact, just got sneakier and continued contact, I would personally like to see what her character was really made of by just WATCHING her for awhile...to see just how far she would go...(wow. long sentence!)

 

I think that would be more telling as to whether there was hope for the marriage rather than confronting again, and her realizing," oops, caught again, must be even sneakier".

 

I feel this way: "you can try to rub off the spots on a leopard, you can pluck them, but the only true test of any permanance is to see if they "grow back" all on their own...

 

What do you think at this point, OP?

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Sorry your wife is being so disrespectful to you and your feelings. It sounds like your on the right path and willing to help your marriage but she doesn't seem to have her head in the game. Give her an ultimatum. stay with you go through the steps you need to make sure this doesn't happen again or...keep contact with the guy and you walk away. simple as that. Don't snoop anymore..trust me...it eats at your entire being and it will only bring you hurt.

[mixedupone]

Sorry for the late reply. Had to wait till the wife went to bed.

 

So far this is just an emotional affair. I have decided not to confront her yet and for now to keep tabs on this and see where it goes.

 

She turned 40 about 6 months ago and has been unhappy for at least over a year now. According to her it's because I have been reluctant to have a second child and to take on the added responsibility of a bigger house/larger mortgage. My primary reasons are that I don't think our relationship is solid enough to withstand either of those stressors.

 

We have gone to therapy 3 times over the course of our 13 year marriage. I have grown and changed more each time as a result of the therapy but my wife tends to use therapy as a bitch session rather than a tool for growth.

 

She has a lot of issues with communication. I tried to get her to open up tonight about how she's feeling and expressed concern about the lack of communication with us -- she assured me that nothing is wrong and didn't want to discuss anything.

 

I'm reluctant to go back to therapy. I am also reluctant to head right to divorce because of our child. If we did not have a child I would be strongly considering divorce because my trust in her has been seriously affected.

 

I don't think she's specifically looking for a physical affair but I know that she's bored, frustrated and unhappy and she's the kind of person that seeks external validation.

 

Going to wait a bit more till she's in a deep sleep then check her phone again.

Edited January 24, 2010 by mixedupone

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be accepting of such disrespect as you apparently. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

[seibert253]

IMO you need to nip this in the butt before anything more happens.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

 

It was an EA, and still is.

 

Your wife is now contacting this dude after you confronted her the first time.

 

If I were you I'd confront her again and give her the option of ending it, or moving out and D.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Affairs do not end for altruistic reasons. There is no way she is going to end this for your benefit. The only way she will end it is if she is faced with some serious and real consequences to herself - ie: she either stops or you will divorce her. Period. The only way it will work is if she knows without a shadow of a doubt that you are serious.

[mixedupone]

Thanks everyone. Still mulling it over.

 

So far no further contact between them.

 

I guess I want to see where this is going. Is it just going to be a once a month "Hi how are you?" thing or is it going to frequent contact expressing emotions/feelings or are they going to try to actually meet for coffee/drinks.

 

The thing is she doesn't feel she's doing anything wrong by being "friends" with this guy. I'm pretty sure if I confront her now it will just drive her deeper into secrecy and then how will I ever know if she has cut it off for good?

 

 

Right now I'm still ahead of the curve on her

 

Looking into spy tech for her phone I don't think the flexipro will work she has Verizon LG env3 and I think the o/s is java.

 

 

Regarding divorce, not going to raise the issue until I know what I'm dealing with and I've first consulted with an attorney

Edited January 25, 2010 by mixedupone

[mixedupone]

I don't know. Now I'm leaning toward just confronting her.

 

Looking back at the old emails from 2008 that still exist (she only deleted certain emails) -- last time it took a few months of idle chit chat before the talk turned toward crush/mutual attraction.

 

I don't know if I wait that long.

 

Also thinking about I do know about her lack of honesty -- it's caused problems in other areas of our marriage before:

 

-she purchased IPO stocks once that we had discussed and I thought were too risky. After the discussion she went ahead and purchased them anyway and we of course we lost money (could have been a lot worse but still).

 

-she has told our child not to tell me about fights/spankings that have happened when I come home from work

 

-she has let payment of bills slide, only paid the minimum on accounts even though I've asked her not too

 

-even mundane **** like cooking with salt. I've asked her not to -- that salt can be added by anyone who wants to later. But I caught her adding salt while cooking. When I pressed her about it she said she complained to her mom and her mom told her to just put it in anyway that I'd never know about it and the her father had a thing about butter but she would just add it and then tell him that it didn't contain anything.

[SleepingDog]

You are perfectly aware of what is going and letting it all happen. I remember being the same. If you don't act now, you risk losing all self respect. First of all, inform the guy that he has to back off. Don't go into a discussion, but be aggressive. You will make him pay if you discover they are having an affair. As these kind of guys lack backbone to begin with, it may help. He needs to be shown that his actions will have results beyond his control. Don't listen to any objection ('we atre just friends', 'don't be controlling' ' you are paranoid') but say "I don't care what you think, back off, or you will suffer"

 

If he has a wife or girlfriend make sure to inform her. It will work wonders.

 

Second, you do need to install keystroke loggers on the PC's as advised, and as soon as possible. I did so but too late. I could have caught them out before it went completely out of hand. I think you may be too late already.

[mixedupone]

OK, so last night I confronted her and told her the contact needs to stop or our marriage is done.

 

She tried to minimize it stating he was just a friend. I told her that's not true. He's not a friend and if he were she wouldn't have to go around hiding contact from me. He's not a friend he's just some dude you met in a bar and flirted with

 

When I asked her why she contacted him she tried to tell me that she just contacted him to explain why she stopped contact last year. I told her don't lie to me. I've read the emails and texts. You told him that you stopped contact because I found out and made you stop and you recontacted him and told him to call/text on your phone instead of email so I won't know about it. Please don't tell me that I don't understand something I read.

 

When I asked her why again, she said just because he's a friend and we have a lot in common to talk about. I told her bull**** - that I know the day she made contact with him was right after we had a fight so that she's looking for emotional support and turning to him instead of coming to me.

 

She said she wants to be with me and will stop all contact. She admitted she is unhappy and has self esteem issues. I told her that does not excuse what she did and the lack of respect she has shown me.

 

We have a lot of work to do.

 

This guy is a player. He's 40 something never married and has no SO. I'm going to send him an email today letting him know I know what's going on and telling him to just drop it. Unfortunately I can't send anything too threatening he's a lawyer.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

This guy is a player. He's 40 something never married and has no SO. I'm going to send him an email today letting him know I know what's going on and telling him to just drop it. Unfortunately I can't send anything too threatening he's a lawyer.

 

VERY TYPICAL...hes made a game out of this kind of thing..what a douche.

[Church Bells]

OK, so last night I confronted her and told her the contact needs to stop or our marriage is done.

 

She tried to minimize it stating he was just a friend. I told her that's not true. He's not a friend and if he were she wouldn't have to go around hiding contact from me. He's not a friend he's just some dude you met in a bar and flirted with

 

When I asked her why she contacted him she tried to tell me that she just contacted him to explain why she stopped contact last year. I told her don't lie to me. I've read the emails and texts. You told him that you stopped contact because I found out and made you stop and you recontacted him and told him to call/text on your phone instead of email so I won't know about it. Please don't tell me that I don't understand something I read.

 

When I asked her why again, she said just because he's a friend and we have a lot in common to talk about. I told her bull**** - that I know the day she made contact with him was right after we had a fight so that she's looking for emotional support and turning to him instead of coming to me.

 

She said she wants to be with me and will stop all contact. She admitted she is unhappy and has self esteem issues. I told her that does not excuse what she did and the lack of respect she has shown me.

 

We have a lot of work to do.

 

This guy is a player. He's 40 something never married and has no SO. I'm going to send him an email today letting him know I know what's going on and telling him to just drop it. Unfortunately I can't send anything too threatening he's a lawyer.

 

Well Done ... but don't stop now ... keep up the pressure. Proactive, assertive BH's succeed, where weak, undecisive one's continue to get abused.

 

So what if the OM is a lawyer. You think he wants to sue you or get some form of TRO against you???

 

OM to Judge: "I need a TRO against mixedupone because I continue to have a secret friendship with HIS W and he's mad at me."

 

An attorney is only as good as his reputation, and keep in mind that "TRUTH IS AN ABSOLUTE DEFENSE". In effect, you could take out a billboard on the way to his office that says "Lawyer OM won't stop inappropriately communicating with my WIFE, even though I've asked him to stop".

 

You have more power here than you realize. Have your W send him a NC letter, certified with return receipt requested. If he accepts the letter, and then continues to contact your W ... get a TRO on him for harrassment and report him to the local/state bar association.

 

However, if your W won't maintain NC ... proceed directly to D, and don't look back. No man deserves to be disrespected like that ... its bad enough that your W is seeking validation from another man ... but its a deal breaker if she feels she can rub your face in her deception.

[mixedupone]

Yes, I can see that this is going to be a long process.

I noticed that she has not deleted his contact info from her phone.

 

Last time I found out about these emails I was too easy on her. Time it's not going to be so easy.

 

It's not just NC, she needs to work on our marriage: communicate with me and to learn how to deal with her frustration/depression in healthier ways or end the marriage.

 

I will email the OM and tell him I know what's going on and to knock it off and I will tell her that I've contacted him.

 

I just called the therapist and told him we need to start counseling again.