plati-patti Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 It didn't start out this way. Neither of us were perfect when we met. I always tended to be little overweight and had gained a bit more after a terrible divorce from a substance abusing husband. My second H was a bit more overweight than me. We hit it off right away and always had a great time together. I had moved far away from family and friends and started a new life after my divorce. Things were going well with work, but I was terribly lonely. We carried on a long-distance relationship for a couple of years and decided to move in together. He sold his house and moved cross country to be with me. We bought a home together and about a year later decided to get married. At first, things seemed great. We never fought and got along very well. Unlike most of these stories, he landed a good job and we've done fine financially. But as time went on, I began to see some patterns emerge that his weight problem wasn't the normal chubby hubby. While sometimes we would diet together and lose a few pounds, his weight kept going up. In retrospect, I can see that he is eating to cover emotions and problems he had growing. He found out late in life that his father wasn't his biological father and that his mother had an affair and he was their child. He found this out when his father's new wife cruelly blurted all this out as a way to drive his kids out of their new life together. His mother passed away years ago and his father remarried this crazy woman. His father though, did confirm the reality of all of this and I'm sure it was devastating. I can only imagine growing up in a house of secrets. Now we're 6 years married out of a 9 year relationship. His weight continued to go up and he's now over 400 lbs. His health is in jeopardy from blood pressure and diabetes. He can't even walk very far and I sometimes fear he is going to drop dead of a heart attack. I've begged pleaded with him so many times to do something about his weight which was met with a lot of dismissal and anger and "yeah I'm going to go to weight watchers". Sometimes he starts a diet for a while, but gives up after a few weeks and the weight continued to go up and up. The love has gone out of me and I just don't want him to touch me and I will not have sex with him. His hygiene is bad from not being able to wash properly and he's sweaty from just moving around the house. I cannot sleep because the snoring is so bad. I can hear him from the other side of the house. I cry myself to sleep every night because I just don't want to be here in this misery any longer. Some months ago the feeling that I had to leave began to take hold. Some days I felt myself on the brink of making the break, but there was always some crisis that held me back. His sister passed away after a long struggle with cancer and they were very close. I felt like such a terrible person for wanting to end it while he was going through this so I just held it in to be supportive. A couple of months after the funeral, I told him that things had to change and I couldn't watch him kill himself. Nothing much came of it until after Thanksgiving when I began feeling strongly that I must leave him and started telling him that I was unhappy. That must have reached him because he finally decided to see a doctor about his weight and started working on getting stomach reduction surgery. I have no desire for him anymore. I hope he goes through with the surgery and wish him well, but without me. I am ashamed to be seen with him. I turn down party invitations and work functions all the time because I just don't want to have him around my friends and coworkers. It sounds cruel but that's how I feel. To make this all worse, I realized that I have begun to fall for a man at work who's been a good friend for many years before we got married. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. This really just snuck up on me and surprised even me that I was feeling this way about him. I kissed him a couple of weeks ago and it felt so good to be in his arms and feel alive for a change. I am mature enough to not throw all of my emotions into a fling. But looking at him, he's gorgeous and would clearly be a much better life partner in so many ways that my husband cannot be. I walked down the street holding his arm and I felt so happy to be seen with an attractive man. I can't help but think I can do better and be happier somewhere else, either with him or someone else or even all on my own. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave my husband and my emotions are a wreck. Somehow I need to find the strength to end this or stick with it. At this point, I think I would be happier completely alone than stay in this marriage any longer. Then I feel like completely selfish guilty bitch and just want to cry. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sorry it is such a long story. I've held so much in for so long.
cuppa Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 It didn't start out this way. Neither of us were perfect when we met. I always tended to be little overweight and had gained a bit more after a terrible divorce from a substance abusing husband. My second H was a bit more overweight than me. We hit it off right away and always had a great time together. I had moved far away from family and friends and started a new life after my divorce. Things were going well with work, but I was terribly lonely. We carried on a long-distance relationship for a couple of years and decided to move in together. He sold his house and moved cross country to be with me. We bought a home together and about a year later decided to get married. At first, things seemed great. We never fought and got along very well. Unlike most of these stories, he landed a good job and we've done fine financially. But as time went on, I began to see some patterns emerge that his weight problem wasn't the normal chubby hubby. While sometimes we would diet together and lose a few pounds, his weight kept going up. In retrospect, I can see that he is eating to cover emotions and problems he had growing. He found out late in life that his father wasn't his biological father and that his mother had an affair and he was their child. He found this out when his father's new wife cruelly blurted all this out as a way to drive his kids out of their new life together. His mother passed away years ago and his father remarried this crazy woman. His father though, did confirm the reality of all of this and I'm sure it was devastating. I can only imagine growing up in a house of secrets. Now we're 6 years married out of a 9 year relationship. His weight continued to go up and he's now over 400 lbs. His health is in jeopardy from blood pressure and diabetes. He can't even walk very far and I sometimes fear he is going to drop dead of a heart attack. I've begged pleaded with him so many times to do something about his weight which was met with a lot of dismissal and anger and "yeah I'm going to go to weight watchers". Sometimes he starts a diet for a while, but gives up after a few weeks and the weight continued to go up and up. The love has gone out of me and I just don't want him to touch me and I will not have sex with him. His hygiene is bad from not being able to wash properly and he's sweaty from just moving around the house. I cannot sleep because the snoring is so bad. I can hear him from the other side of the house. I cry myself to sleep every night because I just don't want to be here in this misery any longer. Some months ago the feeling that I had to leave began to take hold. Some days I felt myself on the brink of making the break, but there was always some crisis that held me back. His sister passed away after a long struggle with cancer and they were very close. I felt like such a terrible person for wanting to end it while he was going through this so I just held it in to be supportive. A couple of months after the funeral, I told him that things had to change and I couldn't watch him kill himself. Nothing much came of it until after Thanksgiving when I began feeling strongly that I must leave him and started telling him that I was unhappy. That must have reached him because he finally decided to see a doctor about his weight and started working on getting stomach reduction surgery. I have no desire for him anymore. I hope he goes through with the surgery and wish him well, but without me. I am ashamed to be seen with him. I turn down party invitations and work functions all the time because I just don't want to have him around my friends and coworkers. It sounds cruel but that's how I feel. To make this all worse, I realized that I have begun to fall for a man at work who's been a good friend for many years before we got married. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. This really just snuck up on me and surprised even me that I was feeling this way about him. I kissed him a couple of weeks ago and it felt so good to be in his arms and feel alive for a change. I am mature enough to not throw all of my emotions into a fling. But looking at him, he's gorgeous and would clearly be a much better life partner in so many ways that my husband cannot be. I walked down the street holding his arm and I felt so happy to be seen with an attractive man. I can't help but think I can do better and be happier somewhere else, either with him or someone else or even all on my own. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave my husband and my emotions are a wreck. Somehow I need to find the strength to end this or stick with it. At this point, I think I would be happier completely alone than stay in this marriage any longer. Then I feel like completely selfish guilty bitch and just want to cry. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sorry it is such a long story. I've held so much in for so long. Don't cry ....big hug for you! I think you have done everything you could. I think physical attraction is very important and people who said otherwise, they are never in your shoes. Obviously, he doesn't love him enough to get well and get fit and I don't know why he thinks that it's fair of him to expect you to love him like that. Like me, we deserve to be happy. So don't feel guilty and you can cry tonight but try to feel better tomorrow. You are not a horrible person to want to leave and the truth is if you were the one who doesn't care and keep putting on weight like that, I'm not sure if he will do the same for you. He's an adult and he's responsible for his own happiness and same for yours.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Drastic changes will happen only with drastic actions. You can't help someone who refuses to help himself, and staying there would only continue to enable him. I would tell him that you want a legal separation, move to a different place, and let him know that you would be open to reconciliation when and ONLY when he is ready to start taking steps to improve his health. If he doesn't, then move ahead with the divorce. It is not fair for him to do this to himself or to you, and you are not responsible for his health or his inaction to improve it.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Before you leave him, talk to the WHOLE FAMILY. Kids, your parents, close friends, your siblings,anyone else who is close to him and truly cares.. and seriously, consider doing an intervention. Talk to his Dr, find out how to do this and DO IT. Your H needs help, badly..Leaving him MAY push him to do something to lose weight, but it also do the opposite and he'll get worse......... He needs counselling, he needs to be somewhere like "the biggest loser" (not saying for him to go on the show, but I'm sure there are various places that help people to lose weight) so he can start his life over again.
FryFish Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I usually have zero sympathy for cheaters but I have even less than that for people who choose to become fat. So my advice is to STOP seeing other guys until after you have left your husband. On the flip side, guys, if your chick decides to gain weight, its ok to leave her.
hopeful1980 Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 Personally, I don't blame you for the way you feel. However, I think your H is at the lowest point in his life and he desperately needs your help. I feel sorry for everyone involved.
Passion4Life Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I usually have zero sympathy for cheaters but I have even less than that for people who choose to become fat. So my advice is to STOP seeing other guys until after you have left your husband. On the flip side, guys, if your chick decides to gain weight, its ok to leave her. thanx , i will remember that
cuppa Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I usually have zero sympathy for cheaters but I have even less than that for people who choose to become fat. So my advice is to STOP seeing other guys until after you have left your husband. On the flip side, guys, if your chick decides to gain weight, its ok to leave her. I'd say it's ok if they refuse to face the reality and seek helps to get fit. If things have dragged on for years to the point that even she or he doesn't love what they see in the mirror, it's definitely not fair to expect the spouse to be passionately and deeply in love with him/her. However, if they are working on it (says a few extra lbs here and there, some love handles here and there, but they always dress nice and smell nice and try to look nice for you), then give it a shot and keep on trying until we can gain the sparks back.
BettyBoop Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Problem is that when you marry someone...it's for better or worse. I understand it sucks when it's been "worse" for longer than perhaps it was "better"... He is not going to change long-term until he decides he will do it for himself. It sounds like now he will consider it not for himself - but for you and the marriage. I am wondering if he knows how bad it REALLY is? It sounds like he will do this to save the marriage...but it sounds like you've checked out and is not willing to check back in. Does he still have the qualities you once fell for? Hygiene, less obese...that's not why you fall for someone. Put it sure can lessen the attraction, I'll give you that. Do you think you could love him again? About feeling proud walking down the street holding hands with someone gorgeous? I feel proud/amazing walking down the street holding hands with a man who loves me...if you have that, looks don't matter. Just my two cents...
xpaperxcutx Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Problem is that when you marry someone...it's for better or worse. I understand it sucks when it's been "worse" for longer than perhaps it was "better"... He is not going to change long-term until he decides he will do it for himself. It sounds like now he will consider it not for himself - but for you and the marriage. I am wondering if he knows how bad it REALLY is? It sounds like he will do this to save the marriage...but it sounds like you've checked out and is not willing to check back in. Does he still have the qualities you once fell for? Hygiene, less obese...that's not why you fall for someone. Put it sure can lessen the attraction, I'll give you that. Do you think you could love him again? About feeling proud walking down the street holding hands with someone gorgeous? I feel proud/amazing walking down the street holding hands with a man who loves me...if you have that, looks don't matter. Just my two cents... Worse does not equate to gaining 2x times an average person's weight. And to expect empathy and understanding is even harder since the husband did this to himself.
Maxxx Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 It didn't start out this way. Neither of us were perfect when we met. I always tended to be little overweight and had gained a bit more after a terrible divorce from a substance abusing husband. My second H was a bit more overweight than me. We hit it off right away and always had a great time together. I had moved far away from family and friends and started a new life after my divorce. Things were going well with work, but I was terribly lonely. We carried on a long-distance relationship for a couple of years and decided to move in together. He sold his house and moved cross country to be with me. We bought a home together and about a year later decided to get married. At first, things seemed great. We never fought and got along very well. Unlike most of these stories, he landed a good job and we've done fine financially. But as time went on, I began to see some patterns emerge that his weight problem wasn't the normal chubby hubby. While sometimes we would diet together and lose a few pounds, his weight kept going up. In retrospect, I can see that he is eating to cover emotions and problems he had growing. He found out late in life that his father wasn't his biological father and that his mother had an affair and he was their child. He found this out when his father's new wife cruelly blurted all this out as a way to drive his kids out of their new life together. His mother passed away years ago and his father remarried this crazy woman. His father though, did confirm the reality of all of this and I'm sure it was devastating. I can only imagine growing up in a house of secrets. Now we're 6 years married out of a 9 year relationship. His weight continued to go up and he's now over 400 lbs. His health is in jeopardy from blood pressure and diabetes. He can't even walk very far and I sometimes fear he is going to drop dead of a heart attack. I've begged pleaded with him so many times to do something about his weight which was met with a lot of dismissal and anger and "yeah I'm going to go to weight watchers". Sometimes he starts a diet for a while, but gives up after a few weeks and the weight continued to go up and up. The love has gone out of me and I just don't want him to touch me and I will not have sex with him. His hygiene is bad from not being able to wash properly and he's sweaty from just moving around the house. I cannot sleep because the snoring is so bad. I can hear him from the other side of the house. I cry myself to sleep every night because I just don't want to be here in this misery any longer. Some months ago the feeling that I had to leave began to take hold. Some days I felt myself on the brink of making the break, but there was always some crisis that held me back. His sister passed away after a long struggle with cancer and they were very close. I felt like such a terrible person for wanting to end it while he was going through this so I just held it in to be supportive. A couple of months after the funeral, I told him that things had to change and I couldn't watch him kill himself. Nothing much came of it until after Thanksgiving when I began feeling strongly that I must leave him and started telling him that I was unhappy. That must have reached him because he finally decided to see a doctor about his weight and started working on getting stomach reduction surgery. I have no desire for him anymore. I hope he goes through with the surgery and wish him well, but without me. I am ashamed to be seen with him. I turn down party invitations and work functions all the time because I just don't want to have him around my friends and coworkers. It sounds cruel but that's how I feel. To make this all worse, I realized that I have begun to fall for a man at work who's been a good friend for many years before we got married. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. This really just snuck up on me and surprised even me that I was feeling this way about him. I kissed him a couple of weeks ago and it felt so good to be in his arms and feel alive for a change. I am mature enough to not throw all of my emotions into a fling. But looking at him, he's gorgeous and would clearly be a much better life partner in so many ways that my husband cannot be. I walked down the street holding his arm and I felt so happy to be seen with an attractive man. I can't help but think I can do better and be happier somewhere else, either with him or someone else or even all on my own. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave my husband and my emotions are a wreck. Somehow I need to find the strength to end this or stick with it. At this point, I think I would be happier completely alone than stay in this marriage any longer. Then I feel like completely selfish guilty bitch and just want to cry. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sorry it is such a long story. I've held so much in for so long. The part in bold you should! I guess NO ONE believes in death do us part anymore...... I have a family member who's wife was if you'll excuse me "One hot mama" when they got married. I wont say for how long but they have been married for a LONG TIME a hell of allot longer then either one of your marriages put together......... She (after three kids) ballooned up to almost 375 maybe a bit more I am not sure.................. Not one time has her husband uttered a word about leaving her. She has since had gastric bypass and is starting come down on the lbs. she is still way heavy but her husband is in it for the long run as you should be to thats whats wrong with this country people just feel they can walk out on a marriage at the drop of a hat and it sickens me
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 What if we like 'em plump 'n' juicy? Then you need to go to IC...
Author plati-patti Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 I want to thank you all for your response, both the sympathetic and the not so sympathetic ones. I have been reading them. A little more background: We have no children. He has family, but not nearby. We have consulted medical professionals about his problems. I was there with the surgeon's consultation and I got to finally hear what his true weight is. My weight is not perfect either. But I exercise regularly and try, every day, to eat right and stay in good health. I'm up in the wee hours again because the snoring is rattling the walls of the house. Another day at work tomorrow with red eyes from lack of sleep for me. "till death do you part." I sometimes wonder if marriage is meant to be contest to the death for who can endure the most, the winner being the one who dies first. Besides, that isn't the only vow made at a wedding, is it? Cheating? I hardly call it that. Developing a crush on a guy (note singular) is not cheating, not even in a marriage. That's just silly. Kissing the other man was over the line, but more of a minor transgression than an act of unfaithfulness. Blaming my H for that? Nope, never said that. I own it, every bit of it. Walking half a block with the OM to my car felt like heaven to me, but in reality, it is nothing more than a walk. I haven't slept with anyone or stayed out all night or started a secret email account or anything like that. It is more a symptom of my loneliness and desperation than it is an act of infidelity. Needs me. Sigh. My whole life, I've been the rock, the responsible one, the one that made things right, the one that was there, the one that fixed everything and everybody and always could be counted on to do the right thing, no matter what. I'm tired. I took care of both my parents. I took care of my addicted first husband, put him through the hospital, put up with his stuff as long as I could as he tried to maintain sobriety and work his program. I've been here being helpful and supportive while my H took care of his family and gave all I had to be loving and understanding as he worked on his slow-motion suicide a spoonful at a time. I'm tired. Where's my soft place? Who is there for me now? I gave away all I had, my youth, my reproductive years, because someone else needed me. Now I'm too old and my dreams are behind me, like the print on an old newspaper from an irrelevant slow news day that no one remembers anyway. Anger. I'm not only tired, I'm angry. Where is my lover? Where is the man who can ride a bike or walk with me on a nice sunny day? Didn't he abandon me by way of destroying himself with food? Did he not push me out and insulate himself away with a wall of fat and take away my husband? What about after the surgery? What addiction is going to replace the eating? Will it be gambling or women or alcohol? What will fill the void when the stomach is made too small to take the abuse? At his weight, he has about a solid two years of weight loss to look at. The success rate is not all that attractive. Most gain about half of what they lose over time. Which means I can look forward to a 300lb husband someday. Better than 400. I just can't do another person's recovery in my life again. I just can't do it, the strength is not within me.
Ronni_W Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 We have no children. run...run...RUN for your life!!! No, marriage is not to be endured. Neither is life. Get the heck outta Dodge, before Dodge runs you over. You have done your share. You have done all that you can. You have done MORE than enough. Set your Self free...and live a long, happy, healthy, prosperous life Big hugs, and lots of luck.
just_some_guy Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 That's a tough place to be and I can sympathize completely. Not sure what the answer is about what to do, but you have to take care of yourself and your health first. It sounds like sleep is a big problem for you. Maybe you can find other sleeping arrangements to catch up on your rest.
carhill Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 OP, my sympathies. My first instinct was also to tell you to run. However, upon minor reflection, I will suggest that you try to get as healthy (psychologically) as you can within the marriage to make a clear and reasoned decision. If that means your own 'space', then that's what you do. Earplugs for the snoring so you can get some sleep? Yup. Walking 10 minutes a day with a friend or neighbor? Not too time consuming. Attending some IC to help you process the emotions and communicate them to your H with clarity? If you believe it can help you, even if you end up leaving your H, it will. Even if you leave your H, the effects of this and your prior marriage still will weigh upon your psyche. Unburden yourself. Best wishes
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