I feel like I am different.....

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have had this feeling ever since I can remember. My mum told me that when I was a little girl, I always refused to go and play with other kids. When she asked me why - I would say "I find them boring. All their games are silly. Nothing they say interests me". So I would sit at home and read books and play by myself.

 

When I started primary school, I was content to just sit back and didn't have many friends at all. From observing, I figured out what personality traits made other kids popular. My family moved around a lot so whenever I changed school, I would try and adopt some of the personality traits of the popular kids. Despite feeling different, I longed to be liked and accepted. It did work, and I ended up being quite popular at all the schools.

 

This carried on into the adulthood and I was never short of friends. However, I felt like I was holding parts of my personality back, and even "acting" in some sense with those friends. Due to this, I never felt a deep bond with any of them, yet they felt the bond with me (I guess it's because they were being themselves and I wasn't). I was able to move on to new friendships (typically after about 2-3 years) without feeling any sense of loss. I was always the one who left friendships for new ones and lots of the times my former friends felt hurt and abandonded. Yet, besides some guilt, I would feel nothing for them.

 

This carried on into my dating life. I am physically quite attractive and have no problem getting dates (although it's getting herder as I get older and there are less single men in my age group). But I never felt truly bonded with any of the men I dated. Even having sex didn't make me emotionally attached to them. On the other hand, I would develop strong infatuations with emotionally unavailable men (the current one being my married boss). Those infatuations were mostly based on fantasy (even though the common theme is that I had lots of ineractions with all of my crushes, and felt like I knew them well albeit in a non-dating way).

 

I kind of feel that for every person, there is a large number of potential partners that would be good matches. If you are familiar with normal distribution curve (or bell's curve) and if say a combination of different personality traits followed the normal distribution (with some combinations being much more common then the others) - I feel that my particular personality is at the very tail end of the curve. Thus, for me there will be MUCH less people that would be compatible matches than for people whose personalities are near the middle of the curve.

 

At 31 years of age, it has become very clear that if I want a partner, I would have to settle for someone that I am really not that into.

 

I am not asking for advice really, I just needed to get this out....and I wonder if anyone else feels this way too.

Edited January 23, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA

[shadowplay]

What you wrote here pretty much describes the way I am wired, so you're not alone. I don't know if I've ever had incredibly strong feelings for anyone I've been close to in my entire life.

 

I felt little for the guys I've dated. It doesn't matter how close we got or how long we were together. My feelings for the person never grew. When I was with them, I was blank inside. Whenever we were kissing, having sex, I felt nothing.

 

I would usually just fake it for their benefit. Or sometimes I'd get a low level physical satisfaction that I could have gotten from anybody. Kissing is the worst. I find it so tedious.

 

Yet from a distance I can experience intense feelings. This was particularly true for one guy I was in love with for years (my boss at the college paper).

 

I can't tell if it's a problem of me not being with the right guys or an inability to feel strongly for somebody that's close to me. I'm starting to think it's more of the latter. I was crushing pretty strongly on my current boyfriend when I didn't know him (just from seeing him around), and thinking to myself how amazing it would be to actually be with him. Now that I'm with him it's quite nice, but it doesn't live up to the fantasy.

 

And I don't mean to imply that my fantasies consist of unrealistically pronounced feelings that people wouldn't experience in a normal, loving relationship. I think what I feel in fantasy is comparable to what other people feel when they're in love with a partner.

 

Somehow the feeling just dissipates when I'm actually close to the person. I almost wonder if it's an attentional thing or something about the way my synapses fire.

 

I will say that I feel far more strongly for my boyfriend than I have for any other guy. The main reason is that I respect him. I do love him, but I suspect it's a somewhat milder version of the love others experience.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Shadowplay,

 

I could tell from your threads that we are similar when it comes to men. I also question myself if it is because I just haven't met the right guy (and hope this is the case) or I am unable to have feelings for anyone I am truly close to (which I fear and would probably require extensive counselling).

 

I do think that what you have with your BF is extremly special and I am glad that you haven't felt the urge to bolt (I did think this could happen when you started posting about him). It gives me hope too, maybe it just IS a matter of meeting the right guy.

[Meaplus3]

I have had this feeling ever since I can remember. My mum told me that when I was a little girl, I always refused to go and play with other kids. When she asked me why - I would say "I find them boring. All their games are silly. Nothing they say interests me". So I would sit at home and read books and play by myself.

 

When I started primary school, I was content to just sit back and didn't have many friends at all. From observing, I figured out what personality traits made other kids popular. My family moved around a lot so whenever I changed school, I would try and adopt some of the personality traits of the popular kids. Despite feeling different, I longed to be liked and accepted. It did work, and I ended up being quite popular at all the schools.

 

This carried on into the adulthood and I was never short of friends. However, I felt like I was holding parts of my personality back, and even "acting" in some sense with those friends. Due to this, I never felt a deep bond with any of them, yet they felt the bond with me (I guess it's because they were being themselves and I wasn't). I was able to move on to new friendships (typically after about 2-3 years) without feeling any sense of loss. I was always the one who left friendships for new ones and lots of the times my former friends felt hurt and abandonded. Yet, besides some guilt, I would feel nothing for them.

 

This carried on into my dating life. I am physically quite attractive and have no problem getting dates (although it's getting herder as I get older and there are less single men in my age group). But I never felt truly bonded with any of the men I dated. Even having sex didn't make me emotionally attached to them. On the other hand, I would develop strong infatuations with emotionally unavailable men (the current one being my married boss). Those infatuations were mostly based on fantasy (even though the common theme is that I had lots of ineractions with all of my crushes, and felt like I knew them well albeit in a non-dating way).

 

I kind of feel that for every person, there is a large number of potential partners that would be good matches. If you are familiar with normal distribution curve (or bell's curve) and if say a combination of different personality traits followed the normal distribution (with some combinations being much more common then the others) - I feel that my particular personality is at the very tail end of the curve. Thus, for me there will be MUCH less people that would be compatible matches than for people whose personalities are near the middle of the curve.

 

At 31 years of age, it has become very clear that if I want a partner, I would have to settle for someone that I am really not that into.

 

I am not asking for advice really, I just needed to get this out....and I wonder if anyone else feels this way too.

 

Sad, I think we all feel a bit different from time to time there is nothing wrong with that. Just be your GREAT self and the world will become your oyster. And NEVER settle for anyone. There are plenty of potential men out there.. whom just might be right for you. Cheer up and keep the faith. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

[Jeff1962]

There is no magical age in which you have to find the right partner or friend. All you can do is be you and when the time is right it will happen.

 

You really did not define WHAT you are looking for in a partner.

 

What do you want?

[nobody's girl]

Yes, yes, yes! It's the same for me! I just posted this quote in another thread, but it seems to fit here too. It's by Salman Rushdie from the book The Ground Beneath Her Feet.

 

"For a long while I have believed...that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not belonging, who come into the world semi-detached, if you like, without strong affiliation to family or location or nation or race; that there may even be millions, billions of such souls, as many non-belongers as belongers, perhaps; that, in sum, the phenomenon may be as "natural" a manifestation of human nature as its opposite, but one that has been mostly frustrated, throughout human history, by lack of opportunity.

 

And not only by that: for those who value stability, who fear transience, uncertainty, change, have erected powerful system of stigmas and taboos against rootlessness, that disruptive, anti-social force, so that we mostly conform, we pretend to be motivated by loyalties and solidarities we do not really feel, we hide our secret identities beneath the false skins of those identities which bear the belongers' seal of approval.

 

But the truth leaks out in our dreams...: alone in our beds (because we are alone at night, even if we do not sleep by ourselves), we soar, we fly, we flee. And in the waking dreams our societies permit, in our myths, our arts, our songs, we celebrate the non-belongers, the different ones, the outlaws, the freaks.

 

What we forbid ourselves, we pay good money to watch, in a playhouse or movie theatre, or to read about between the secret covers of a book. Our libraries, our palaces of entertainment tell the truth. The tramp, the assassin, the rebel, the thief, the mutant, the outcast, the delinquent, the devil, the sinner, the traveller, the gangster, the runner, the mask: if we did not recognize in them our least-fulfilled needs, we would not invent them over and over again, in every place, in every language, in every time."

[SadandConfusedWA]

Wow, nobody's girl - you have no idea how much I identify with that quote. I was nearly in tears reading it. It describes EXACTLY how I feel. I am now going to get that book. Thank you so much

[SadandConfusedWA]

Sad, I think we all feel a bit different from time to time there is nothing wrong with that. Just be your GREAT self and the world will become your oyster. And NEVER settle for anyone. There are plenty of potential men out there.. whom just might be right for you. Cheer up and keep the faith. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

 

Thanks Mea. You are such a sweetie, with sunny, optimistic personality that I wish I could be more like you...Your kids are very lucky to have you!

[SadandConfusedWA]

There is no magical age in which you have to find the right partner or friend. All you can do is be you and when the time is right it will happen.

 

You really did not define WHAT you are looking for in a partner.

 

What do you want?

 

Actually, what I want in a man is a kindred spirit, Someone that I feel is different in the same way that I am (this is borrowed from one of Shadowplay's posts).

 

Someone who will not only tolerate my "differentness" but will value it highly and almost think that it's magical.

[josie54]

I wanted to add to this post, to let you know that I'm another person who feels exactly the same way as you do. I know how to interact so that I make friends easily--people like being around me. They invite me to lunch and to parties, but I rarely even think to invite them to do something. I will often hold a party to reciprocate their previous invitations, because that's what you're supposed to do. It's more of an obligation than a pleasure. (None of them know this.) I find it difficult to maintain the energy required to carry on a conversation, let alone a friendship. My ideal social situation is in a group, where I can watch and listen, and not have to contribute unless I want to.

 

And when a friend leaves/moves (or if I do), I don't really maintain contact. It's like I forget about them....it's hard to explain.

 

It's the same with my own family. I care ABOUT them and their welfare. I don't want to see them hurt (of course). But at the same time, I feel very far away from them, even when I'm in the same room. When my grandmother died, my mother and aunt were devastated because they'd lost their best friend. I was devastated because she had lost her life. That is, although I knew I would miss her, I cried more for her own loss of life, than for my loss of her. I felt horrible about my reaction. But my family does not know I feel or think this way. I've never told anyone.

 

I have been with the same man for 12 years (engaged for nearly 4), but I do not want to marry him. I've tried many times to gear myself up to break up with him, but I don't want to see him hurt. He loves me....I don't love anyone. Again, it's horrible.

 

The Salman Rushdie quote resonates with me except for one thing. I do not gravitate toward the rebels and wanderers in books. I gravitate toward the characters that are deeply connected to each other, and I feel vicariously through those characters. It's almost painful to read, but I do anyway. I would love to feel what it's like to be so connected to another person. But after 40 years, I doubt that's going to happen.

 

So there are others just like you! Rushdie's probably right. There are more of us than one might think.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Josie,

 

Thanks. Your post resonates deeply with me. I also feel like I don't love anyone and that I can't love anyone. I am very close to my mother but even with her, I feel like she is so much more attached to me than I am to her. I do nice things for her because I feel like that is what I am supposed to do. My indifference seems to be growing as I get older. I sometimes cry at my inability to love people that love me. I am often around people and even when I am interacting with them and when I outwardly seem engaged, I am so dettached inside.

 

Even when I was a lot younger, I felt like this. I had my first french kiss because I felt that most people at my age have done so and so should I. So I made it happen. Same thing with losing my virginity. There was no genuine feeling or connection at all. I am probably going to marry someone just because I should. I wish I was strong enough to live a truly nihilistic life, but I am not. Conflict between my need to be alone and desire to belong is almost too much to bear.

[josie54]

Conflict between my need to be alone and desire to belong is almost too much to bear.

 

It produces quite the ache, doesn't it? For me, it's almost to the point of physical pain.

 

BUT I try to distance myself from that as much as I can. I've been successful with that for most of my life. I'm incredibly....busy. However, just recently, it has become much more difficult to ignore this part of my life. This change was triggered by something so incredibly stupid, I don't even want to admit it. But what the heck....I guess I can, since no one knows who I am here. A few weeks ago, I read a popular romance novel that a friend recommended--it wasn't even something I wanted to read. I thought it would be a silly book, and it was. It was silly and completely unrealistic, and I fell into it more strongly than I'd thought possible. Taking away the fantasy aspects of it, it represented much of the emotion that I have been missing my entire life and it just made absolutely clear how WRONG things are. It brought everything up to the surface.

 

I want so much to find someone who KNOWS me--friend, lover, stranger on the street, I wouldn't care who it was. Right now, no one knows me at all. There is not a single person whom I can look in the eyes and know that they get it--that they get ME. You said it well. I'm looking for a kindred spirit.

 

And this is why I really stopped over your post, because it coincided so much with what I'm dealing with right now.

 

I want to leave my fiance more than anything and "start over" as much as I can--so, at the very least, I can sink back into my own thoughts and life and not be so upset by how distant I feel from him and everyone else. It would be more...truthful, I guess, for lack of a better word.

 

But I'm so focused on what HE'LL feel like (not just him, but his family and his friends and my family and friends and everyone who wants to see us together). I'm not stupid--I know that he knows something is missing. He just wants that to go away; he wants me to love him. If that weren't the case, he would have broken up with me long ago. Who doesn't offer an ultimatum after 12 years together and four years of engagement and no wedding? But he's not going to let me off the hook. I have to break it....he's not going to do it.

 

I find it ironic that I'm the one who doesn't feel love for anyone--but at the same time, the COMPASSION I feel is crushing. And intellectually, I know my "compassion" is quite selfish--to stop my own guilt--and it has done my fiance no favors over these 12 years. It would have been infinitely better for both of us had I broken up with him 10 years ago when I first wanted to.

 

I also wish I could completely give myself over to the disconnect, to accepting this part of myself and just breaking all ties. But of course, I want the other option--I want the connection that I've never felt directly. It definitely can be almost too much to bear.

[Blackfrost]

Yes, yes, yes! It's the same for me! I just posted this quote in another thread, but it seems to fit here too. It's by Salman Rushdie from the book The Ground Beneath Her Feet.

 

"For a long while I have believed...that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not belonging, who come into the world semi-detached, if you like, without strong affiliation to family or location or nation or race; that there may even be millions, billions of such souls, as many non-belongers as belongers, perhaps; that, in sum, the phenomenon may be as "natural" a manifestation of human nature as its opposite, but one that has been mostly frustrated, throughout human history, by lack of opportunity.

 

And not only by that: for those who value stability, who fear transience, uncertainty, change, have erected powerful system of stigmas and taboos against rootlessness, that disruptive, anti-social force, so that we mostly conform, we pretend to be motivated by loyalties and solidarities we do not really feel, we hide our secret identities beneath the false skins of those identities which bear the belongers' seal of approval.

 

But the truth leaks out in our dreams...: alone in our beds (because we are alone at night, even if we do not sleep by ourselves), we soar, we fly, we flee. And in the waking dreams our societies permit, in our myths, our arts, our songs, we celebrate the non-belongers, the different ones, the outlaws, the freaks.

 

What we forbid ourselves, we pay good money to watch, in a playhouse or movie theatre, or to read about between the secret covers of a book. Our libraries, our palaces of entertainment tell the truth. The tramp, the assassin, the rebel, the thief, the mutant, the outcast, the delinquent, the devil, the sinner, the traveller, the gangster, the runner, the mask: if we did not recognize in them our least-fulfilled needs, we would not invent them over and over again, in every place, in every language, in every time."

 

OMG...I must have this book. That was one of the most insightful tidbits I have read in many years.