wheelwright Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 When I was young I felt an instinctive 'understanding' that no real love is unrequited. I feel the same now, even though I was thrown under a bus by a major love in my life. Is it really possible to love someone if they don't love you back? What about 'in love' with someone?
NowhereToHide Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Well, I have a strong "romantic" streak in me... and I would say that you can absolutely fall in love with someone that doesn't love you back. I think it's more likely, though, that you were in love with someone that didn't love you back in the SAME WAY as you, or to the same degree.
fooled once Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 When I was young I felt an instinctive 'understanding' that no real love is unrequited. I feel the same now, even though I was thrown under a bus by a major love in my life. Is it really possible to love someone if they don't love you back? What about 'in love' with someone? This is a good question. I think you can love someone and that person not love you. I don't think you can be "in love" with someone that doesn't love you --- except maybe a spouse. I think you can be in love with a spouse and that spouse fall out of love with you. But I also don't believe you can be "in love" with someone who treats you like crap.
jwi71 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 When I was young I felt an instinctive 'understanding' that no real love is unrequited. I feel the same now, even though I was thrown under a bus by a major love in my life. Is it really possible to love someone if they don't love you back? What about 'in love' with someone? Great question. I'll be interested to see the replies as, to my own surprise, I'm not sure myself. I tend to lean to NTH's reply...a question of degrees.
Author wheelwright Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 This is a good question. I think you can love someone and that person not love you. I don't think you can be "in love" with someone that doesn't love you --- except maybe a spouse. I think you can be in love with a spouse and that spouse fall out of love with you. But I also don't believe you can be "in love" with someone who treats you like crap. That must be what broke my heart then. Or can you have a broken heart if you weren't in love? Perhaps that's what heartbreak is. Finding out they don't love you. Unrequited or not, I knew it for what it was, I recognised it. It was how I feel about my kids. And I think the sad thing is that as FO said, maybe the amount can differ. Or the capability. Taking that on board means readdressing my original position on this.
crazycatlady Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Interesting question. While I loved people before H, I don't think I loved anyone enough to spend the rest of my life with them. I had been asked previously if I wanted to get married and while I loved them all, not enough to give up my freedom. With H we kinda just fell into it. I never lived with anyone else, never dated anyone longer then 3 months - a few were off and ons for longer time, and I did have a teenage crush that lasted years and years, and probably the one person I might be tempted to cheat on H with if he ever came asking, meaning though while H and I have an open marriage, we have veto power, and I might ignore a veto just to experience my teenage crush :laugh: . I have to say though that my love for H has grown through our marriage. I don't think I loved him nearly as much in the beginning as I do now. And I do think the depth of my love developed over the years without my even expecting it. For the most part we grew closer together, were as a lot of married people grow apart. I think you can crush on someone who doesn't love you back. But the type of love I feel for H I think has to be returned because its a symbiotic love of lives entwined. And each heartache seems to bring us closer, each shared experience binds us tighter. Its amazing. And its well worth the heartache over the years because the joy is much much much stronger. There may come a time where hardships instead of bringing us closer push us apart. When we grow, its in different directions. I'm aware that love and relationships are not static, but are ever changing and that we might not always move in the same direction. But I think we will. Because I think he is some what polyamorous new loves will come in and out of our lives through him, but I think his main devotion will always be to me as long as I'm open to sharing him and his love....which does make his love for me grow even more. An after thought....If for some reason we grow apart and move on from each other, I won't look for a new love. But then...I didn't look for this one either. CCL CCL
Author wheelwright Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Interesting question. While I loved people before H, I don't think I loved anyone enough to spend the rest of my life with them. CCL CCL This is interesting, because in all the disussions I have read on LS nobody has pointed to this essential - could you spend the rest of your life with this person? I think those of us in love and those of us M (in love or no) would say yes. But an A makes this decision difficult not because of the raw emotion, but because of circumstances. Did anyone love you enough to spend the rest of their life with you, but you turned them down?
Fallen Angel Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 When I was young I felt an instinctive 'understanding' that no real love is unrequited. I feel the same now, even though I was thrown under a bus by a major love in my life. Is it really possible to love someone if they don't love you back? What about 'in love' with someone? Certainly real love can be unrequited. How? Because real love is about giving yourself, even if you never get anything in return for it. I love My MM with my soul. I have loved him for a very long time. He was the first one who said the words "I love you", but I loved him long before that, even though I had no idea that he felt the same towards me. If he had never told me of his love for me, it would not have changed the fact that I loved him. The fact that he loved me too... well that was just an amazing and beautiful bonus!
crazycatlady Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 This is interesting, because in all the disussions I have read on LS nobody has pointed to this essential - could you spend the rest of your life with this person? I think those of us in love and those of us M (in love or no) would say yes. But an A makes this decision difficult not because of the raw emotion, but because of circumstances. Did anyone love you enough to spend the rest of their life with you, but you turned them down? Yes, two asked me to marry them. I loved one of them so much. He was a most wonderful amazing man. He saved my life. I'm serious here. He is the reason I am alive today. But as much as I loved him and thought he was the most wonderful person in the world, I couldn't marry him. Later on I introduced H to him and he told me afterwards that he could just see us together forever. Oh he was such a lovely man and I'm sorry I lost touch with him years ago. I've searched for him now and then but I've never found him. But I hope he is well and happy. The other well I'm not proud of myself how I treated him. And he let me do it....I'm so ashamed. I hope he's happy too. Last I had heard about him he had found someone else and was just over the moon thrilled to find someone who didn't treat him like sh*t like I did. I have loved many people, but nothing to the extent that I love H. And its nothing like my love for my children. I expect them to grow up one day and leave home, start their own small family of which I'll only be on the sidelines of. I can only imagine death ending the love I have for H. I think that is part of why I feel so much for all your OW and OM out there. I'll share him to have him in my life. Because I know he loves me too. However if he ever hit me or emotionally abused me, I would leave. I have my limits. CCL
OWoman Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Is it really possible to love someone if they don't love you back? What about 'in love' with someone? Did anyone love you enough to spend the rest of their life with you, but you turned them down? BTDT many times. It's very easy for love flourish in the absence of any direct investment from the object - projection interprets even quite neutral behaviour as somehow encouraging. It's a situation that sucks on both sides - having to break the news to some smitten guy that you're really not remotely interested (except, perhaps, as a friend - if that) can be difficult and can make you question your behaviour - what unintended signals have you been giving out? What might possibly have "led him on"? etc - and can be quite inhibiting, and it feels like you're being subjected to all kinds of pressure and manipulation. And, I imagine for the person on the other end, it can be quite disappointing. I guess that's part of the reason for me being VERY explicit now in all of my Rs about where I stand and what I'm interested in.
Ellin Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I've been told recently that real love and real hate are never unrequited. I tend to think that way. If you really love someone than likely there has been some input from the other person, even if not words then body language or other kind of signals.
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