I'm 19, with a MM, but feel so guilty..

[magicstickers19]

I dont really know why im writing this, just to make myself feel better really.

I'm with a man, whos not married, but engaged, (so almost) has 2 kids with his GF, and another with an ex. When we first met over a year ago, i didn't know about the married/kids thing, but he told me pretty soon. I said we can keep going as we are. I guess sub-consioully i wasn't really thinking about the furture as im only 19, but now we've been together for so long, i've started thinking about it more, and about how guilty i feel, i feel terrible, as his kids are young and so's his wife and im sure she loves him very much, although they dont see each other/ do things together i still feel so bad.

The problem is not will he leave her, i know he will, but i dont want him too just yet, not until after uni and we can live together, but since he has kids we can't move outta the city we live in, and i hate that city btw but oh well.

 

I know he wouldn't cheat on me, i wouldn't, he wouldn't do bad things, infact he wont even talk to other girls now, even friendly, he almost loves me too much lol.

If it wasn't for the wife/kids, it would be so perfect, but i am going to feel so much guilt over ruining a family, i could never tell my friends about it bcos they obv. wouldn't approve, i try to take comfort in stupid things, like how it can turn out happy like Richard and Judy (TV chatshow hosts, v.popular).

 

I guess i just need to know im not an awful person, if i wasn't with an (almost) married man, id thinking girls who did this were home-wreckers, but since im on the other side, i just love him too much too leave, but my guilt is over-powering at times, i feel selfish (i am), i feel stupid, i feel evil for doing this...Although its not a happy family he wouldn't leave if it wasn't for me..Im ruining so many peoples lives..

 

How do i cope with this??!!

 

Btw, i know you'll all probably say 'leave him' but i really dont want to, i just feel so guilty and i know im young, but that doesn't mean it wont work and i think im quite old for my age.

[anne1707]

Sigh....

 

How old is he? How old are his kids? Why do youknow he will leave his partner? Why do you know he would not cheat on you (seeing as he cheats on the mother of his children)? What has he said about your future together?

[bentnotbroken]

Ahh, the rose colored glasses of youth. You can bet if he does it with you, he will do it to you. Guilt is your conscious telling you what you already know, you are wrong. You know deep down that he could do it to you. If he is doing it to someone who brought his children into the world and he is engaged to her, what's to stop him from screwing (pun intended) you over too?

[fooled once]

I dont really know why im writing this, just to make myself feel better really.

I'm with a man, whos not married, but engaged, (so almost) has 2 kids with his GF, and another with an ex. When we first met over a year ago, i didn't know about the married/kids thing, but he told me pretty soon. I said we can keep going as we are. I guess sub-consioully i wasn't really thinking about the furture as im only 19, but now we've been together for so long, i've started thinking about it more, and about how guilty i feel, i feel terrible, as his kids are young and so's his wife and im sure she loves him very much, although they dont see each other/ do things together i still feel so bad.

The problem is not will he leave her, i know he will, but i dont want him too just yet, not until after uni and we can live together, but since he has kids we can't move outta the city we live in, and i hate that city btw but oh well.

 

I know he wouldn't cheat on me, i wouldn't, he wouldn't do bad things, infact he wont even talk to other girls now, even friendly, he almost loves me too much lol.

If it wasn't for the wife/kids, it would be so perfect, but i am going to feel so much guilt over ruining a family, i could never tell my friends about it bcos they obv. wouldn't approve, i try to take comfort in stupid things, like how it can turn out happy like Richard and Judy (TV chatshow hosts, v.popular).

 

I guess i just need to know im not an awful person, if i wasn't with an (almost) married man, id thinking girls who did this were home-wreckers, but since im on the other side, i just love him too much too leave, but my guilt is over-powering at times, i feel selfish (i am), i feel stupid, i feel evil for doing this...Although its not a happy family he wouldn't leave if it wasn't for me..Im ruining so many peoples lives..

 

How do i cope with this??!!

 

Btw, i know you'll all probably say 'leave him' but i really dont want to, i just feel so guilty and i know im young, but that doesn't mean it wont work and i think im quite old for my age.

 

LOL - you really think he would leave the mother of 2 of his kids for you? Really? Honey, he is feeding you lines. I am betting he won't because that will be 3 kids he will have to pay child support for

 

You are 19 -- you really don't know what true love is.

 

I know you like to think he won't do it to you --- but if he has no problem doing it to someone else, he can and might do it to you too. You can't see that because you are too full of giddiness of it all.

 

You obviously don't feel that guilty because after finding out he was 'taken', you continued to sleep with/see him.

 

He sure has you fooled by thinking he will willingly dump this woman for you. He is getting his ego fed by you.

 

Why don't you clue in his girlfriend to his actions? She will take the guilt right out of your hands and she will probably dump him and you can pick him right up. Don't be shocked if he goes running back to her though, many usually do.

 

You have choices. YOU can end it. YOU are choosing not to.

[jwi71]

I dont really know why im writing this, just to make myself feel better really.

 

No, you're looking for validation from other OW.

And you're going to get a VERY rude awakening.

I'm with a man, whos not married, but engaged, (so almost) has 2 kids with his GF, and another with an ex.

How old is he?

How old are his kids?

Have you had yourself screened for STDs? Because thats a lot of kids and least two different mothers...are you having unprotected sex...and I mean condoms here to help reduce the chance for an STD.

When we first met over a year ago, i didn't know about the married/kids thing, but he told me pretty soon.

So this man met an 18 year old girl, lied about being engaged and began an A. Sorry, but telling "pretty soon" is a lie. Get used to this lying thing...

I guess sub-consioully i wasn't really thinking about the furture as im only 19, but now we've been together for so long,

You met over a year ago? When exactly? How old were you again?

I hate to say this but there is no way to sugarcoat it - he's preying on a young, naive girl.

 

He's not a man, he's a predator.

 

How old is the fiancee? How old is the ex (with whom he has a child)?

although they dont see each other/ do things together i still feel so bad.

You know this how?

The problem is not will he leave her, i know he will, but i dont want him too just yet, not until after uni and we can live together, but since he has kids we can't move outta the city we live in, and i hate that city btw but oh well.

You are way too young to recognize all the red flags here.

What kind of man fathers multiple children with multiple mothers and then seemingly has no issue LEAVING these women? See a pattern here...

 

I know he wouldn't cheat on me, i wouldn't, he wouldn't do bad things, infact he wont even talk to other girls now, even friendly, he almost loves me too much lol.

Nope...so much for pattern recognition.

He wouldn't cheat you? Ask his ex. Or ask his fiancee. Hello? He has a history of cheating...

 

Loves you too much? <shakes head>

Sometimes "men" like this just make me shake my head.

 

He wouldn't do "bad things"? Hello...what do you think he's doing NOW?

If it wasn't for the wife/kids,

Damn the woman he asked to marry him and got pregnant twice by him. How DARE she!

 

So lets see...since he LOVES you so much, he can call off the wedding right?

it would be so perfect, but i am going to feel so much guilt over ruining a family, i could never tell my friends about it bcos they obv. wouldn't approve, i try to take comfort in stupid things, like how it can turn out happy like Richard and Judy (TV chatshow hosts, v.popular).

I know right...how dare your friends JUDGE your A like that. I mean, your lover made a few mistakes...like getting women pregnant, leaving them, getting engaged and cheating and whatever else you don't know...I mean, he just made a bad call or 20 right?

Can you imagine what your parents, grandparents and siblings will say?

 

I have no idea who Richard and Judy are...Brits will have to comment here...

 

I guess i just need to know im not an awful person

Just naive...and yes, you are doing something AWFUL.

Just ask ask his family. Hell, just ask your friends.

Better still, ask YOUR FATHER...

 

, if i wasn't with an (almost) married man, id thinking girls who did this were home-wreckers, but since im on the other side, i just love him too much too leave, but my guilt is over-powering at times, i feel selfish (i am), i feel stupid, i feel evil for doing this...Although its not a happy family he wouldn't leave if it wasn't for me..Im ruining so many peoples lives..

OW have "earned" the label. Buts its not entirely accurate. The person to blame is the lying, cheating WS. However, since you KNOW he is engaged (or married...you've said both)...you OWN it TOO.

 

How do i cope with this??!!

You don't. Its a slow soul sucking cancer. Look what you do now, once you cast dispersion on OW...now you do your best to justify it. You have more changes to go through in this A..and NONE are good.

 

It steadily gets worse.

 

And given his propensity to impregnate then leave women...

 

Btw, i know you'll all probably say 'leave him' but i really dont want to

Leave him.

I wonder what you will tell people when the ask "How did you meet"?

 

, i just feel so guilty and i know im young, but that doesn't mean it wont work and i think im quite old for my age.

Oh darling...I just don't know what to say.

You are SO young, so inexperienced...you don't even RECOGNIZE it. Its part of life...we were all there at one point...we knew it all and parents were old dummies who had no CLUE how the Earth turned.

 

I'm BEGGING you to end this. Spare yourself the pain.

 

Look up posts by alg24 here...

 

I AM on your side...

[Samantha0905]

I generally don't go with the suggestion to tell the spouse (almost spouse), but in this case -- I agree. Take fooled once's suggestion. That way the almost wife can find out and he will be forced to make a decision. He's obviously older and you are way too young to be wasting your time.

 

I guess i just need to know im not an awful person, if i wasn't with an (almost) married man, id thinking girls who did this were home-wreckers, but since im on the other side, i just love him too much too leave, but my guilt is over-powering at times, i feel selfish (i am), i feel stupid, i feel evil for doing this...Although its not a happy family he wouldn't leave if it wasn't for me..Im ruining so many peoples lives..

 

Well, you aren't an awful person -- but that guilt you are feeling is trying to tell you something. It is a selfish act. It's not an intelligent act on your part. It isn't a nice thing to do to his wife and children on your part. I won't go into how bad it is on his part.

 

Don't assume he's that miserable with his family. He may just be a very selfish person and like the fact he's stringing along a 19 year old young woman. If the decision is forced upon him, don't be surprised if he stays with the mother of his children and the children. That's if she allows him to do so. Even if she does not, it doesn't sound like it would be a good thing for you to end up with him. You need to run away from this guy fastly.

Edited January 23, 2010 by Samantha0905

[magicstickers19]

Wow..Ok.

 

I know what you're saying, im bad ok right i get this, thanks.

I'm young i 'dont know what love is' and all i also get this.

But these things do work sometimes, most of the time, ok not, but they do, my mum got with together with my step-dad when she was 16, and he was alot older, and their fine.

 

His kids are young, about 3yrs old, and there are no mulitple mothers...Just one, the've been together 5yrs.

 

And im not saying my friends/his GF are bad...I said i am, i understand why my friends wouldn't approve.

 

And yeah he could cheat on me, right, i dont think he would, dont have to believe me.

And he would, i told him not too just yet as im in uni.

 

I would just like to know, if there are any postive stories really?

[anne1707]

I'm with a man, whos not married, but engaged, (so almost) has 2 kids with his GF, and another with an ex.

 

His kids are young, about 3yrs old, and there are no mulitple mothers...Just one, the've been together 5yrs.

 

 

I'm confused.....

[reboot]

And her mother was 16 when she married her step dad. So mom had her when she was 15 or younger?

[fooled once]

Wow..Ok.

 

I know what you're saying, im bad ok right i get this, thanks.

I'm young i 'dont know what love is' and all i also get this.

But these things do work sometimes, most of the time, ok not, but they do, my mum got with together with my step-dad when she was 16, and he was alot older, and their fine.

 

His kids are young, about 3yrs old, and there are no mulitple mothers...Just one, the've been together 5yrs.

 

And im not saying my friends/his GF are bad...I said i am, i understand why my friends wouldn't approve.

 

And yeah he could cheat on me, right, i dont think he would, dont have to believe me.

And he would, i told him not too just yet as im in uni.

 

I would just like to know, if there are any postive stories really?

 

So he has 3 kids or 2?

 

You ARE too young to see this. You really are. He enjoys having this young girl all excited about him. And just because your mum got together with a guy at 16 doesn't mean this will work. My parents met at 16 and have been together ever since -- almost 50 years. But that doesn't mean ANYTHING. I am not my mom. Times are different than when my mom was my age. My boyfriends weren't my dad.

 

I know you want to think this poor guy is stuck with this woman he obviously enjoys having sex with and he is being forced to marry her LOL

 

You ARE young. You ARE naive. Your behavior is not appropriate. You KNEW he was involved with someone yet you continued to see him anyway. You made those CHOICES.

 

You are saying if you asked him to leave his wife/girlfriend for you, he would. Is that because that is what he tells you? How about he leave her now, or at least break the engagement and he work on HIMSELF and getting himself situation on his own, get his visitation worked out and after you finish university, then YOU can just go and move in with him? How about he show you by ACTIONS that he isn't just yanking your chain? Everyone can provide lip service.

 

Wait?

 

Your mom got together with your STEPdad when she was 16; yet he isn't YOUR father. So your mom either had a baby very early on and didn't marry your biological father or your mom cheated on your biological father with your step father..... Or am I missing something?

[magicstickers19]

Yeah she was young.

 

Well they had a son, but he died, then they broke up.

[dazzle22]

This is the definition of YOUTH: they ASK for advice from people who have been on the planet 3 and 4 times longer than they have, they GET great advice from aforementioned persons. They naively DISMISS this advice as not pertinent to them, won't happen to them, they will be the exception. They then PAY the consequences for the rest of their lives for REALLY REALLY STUPID things they did which could have been avoided had they LISTENED to wiser older people. Yep, think that about covers it.

[Samantha0905]

This is the definition of YOUTH: they ASK for advice from people who have been on the planet 3 and 4 times longer than they have, they GET great advice from aforementioned persons. They naively DISMISS this advice as not pertinent to them, won't happen to them, they will be the exception. They then PAY the consequences for the rest of their lives for REALLY REALLY STUPID things they did which could have been avoided had they LISTENED to wiser older people. Yep, think that about covers it.

 

Well, maybe that's how we learned some of the things we know in our old age.

 

It would be nice if the OP would listen, however, as this situation sounds like it's going to be very detrimental for her in the long run. I suppose if that's the case, a lesson or two learned....

[dazzle22]

Well, maybe that's how we learned some of the things we know in our old age.

 

It would be nice if the OP would listen, however, as this situation sounds like it's going to be very detrimental for her in the long run. I suppose if that's the case, a lesson or two learned....

 

 

HaHa! Yes, unfortunately from the "yes, but, are there any good stories out there" I am getting the feeling that she is going to need to experience the wonders of GRAVITY all for herself and not take anyone's word for it.

 

No, young lady, there are NO stories out there like yours that turn out PEACHY! I will bet my entire 401K on this one...

[magicstickers19]

Is everyone saying its so bad becuase im 19?

 

I don't really understand as the other women in this fourm who are in the same situation, aprat from older, get at least constructive crtisitim.

Just becuase im youger, doesn't make me sillier than the women who are TOW involved with an taken man does it?

 

Yeah, ok, im stupid and navie, and am idiot etc. But just say, for arguments sake, we do stay together, and get married etc. etc. ( i know no one will believe this, but just humour me), how hard will it be to get over my grief for his GF/kids? He doesn't love his GF, and i dont really see the point in staying in a loveless relationship...But its of course, the kids thats the main thing, and he would see them everyday, and i would have no jealousy and would encouge him too see them as much as possible.

How bad a-person am i for doing this.. (lets say it works out ok?). I will always feel guilt, but he will see his kids everyday, but not really the point huh?

[jwi71]

Is everyone saying its so bad becuase im 19?

 

Yes and No.

 

No, its the same advice given to virtually ALL who come here.

And yes, because its so tragic for you because of your age. This isn't love, NOT EVEN CLOSE.

 

I don't really understand as the other women in this fourm who are in the same situation, aprat from older, get at least constructive crtisitim.

 

Kindly define constructive criticism.

And there is NOTHING constructive about an A...they are soul sucking destructive endeavors.

 

Just becuase im youger, doesn't make me sillier than the women who are TOW involved with an taken man does it?

 

No...it makes it more TRAGIC.

For YOU.

 

But just say, for arguments sake, we do stay together, and get married etc. etc. ( i know no one will believe this, but just humour me), how hard will it be to get over my grief for his GF/kids?

 

Not hard because that grief isn't stopping you NOW.

Can you not see the change in you already?

Justifying and excusing the pain YOU inflict on others.

 

He doesn't love his GF,

 

Wife? Fiancee? GF?

Which is it already.

 

and i dont really see the point in staying in a loveless relationship...

 

So loveless he's left for you right?

Oh...he hasn't?

And WHY not?

For the kids?

He's NOT married to the kids...besides, you already say he'll see them everyday...so how's that an issue?

Really...he's with his W/fiancee/GF for WHAT reason again?

 

But its of course, the kids thats the main thing, and he would see them everyday, and i would have no jealousy and would encouge him too see them as much as possible.

How bad a-person am i for doing this.. (lets say it works out ok?). I will always feel guilt, but he will see his kids everyday, but not really the point huh?

 

And WHY does he see the kids everyday again?

 

How many kids again?

How many mothers?

His age again?

His marital status?

 

This is beginning to sound like youthful fantasy...aka a troll...since BASIC facts can't stay straight from one post to the next...

[fooled once]

Is everyone saying its so bad becuase im 19?

 

I don't really understand as the other women in this fourm who are in the same situation, aprat from older, get at least constructive crtisitim.

Just becuase im youger, doesn't make me sillier than the women who are TOW involved with an taken man does it?

 

Yeah, ok, im stupid and navie, and am idiot etc. But just say, for arguments sake, we do stay together, and get married etc. etc. ( i know no one will believe this, but just humour me), how hard will it be to get over my grief for his GF/kids? He doesn't love his GF, and i dont really see the point in staying in a loveless relationship...But its of course, the kids thats the main thing, and he would see them everyday, and i would have no jealousy and would encouge him too see them as much as possible.

How bad a-person am i for doing this.. (lets say it works out ok?). I will always feel guilt, but he will see his kids everyday, but not really the point huh?

 

See, the point is you have no idea if he really loves her or not. He is telling you he doesn't because why in the WORLD would he tell you he did? And if he doesn't love her, why is he engaged?

 

Why do you think he would see his kids everyday? Seriously - when the parents split up, it is very rare, UNLESS the dad has custody - which is very rare - that the dad sees the kids every day.

 

And if you haven't been involved in a situation like this, you are thinking "Brady Bunch" where the bio parents all get along and the new partners of those bio parents are all happy.

 

Doesn't work that way.

 

usually, there is a lot of fighting among the bio parents. one if jealous that the other has moved on so quickly. one may use the kids as a pawn.

 

I can cite you thousands of examples of step life hell. HELL. Using you as an example, let me explain....

 

The guy you are seeing breaks off the engagement and moves out.

 

The former soon to be wife discovers the affair (and she will).

 

She then decides she doesn't want you around her kids. She will do whatever she can to prevent you from being around them. She may even have a clause put in their visitation agreement that states there are no over night visitors allowed when he has the children (this is common).

 

Soon, you will begin to resent the kids because they restrict your time with him. He will be put into a position to choose -- spending time with you or his kids.

 

His kids may even be told that mommy and daddy would be together still if you had stayed away from daddy.

 

They will come to a visitation agreement. Could be he has his kids every other weekend and one overnight during the week (which is pretty standard). She can also state that if he has the kids, HE is to be with them, he is not to leave them with you as visitation is for HIM, not you.

 

With there being only 4 weekends a month, 2 of those will be with his kids and possibly, not you. You will begin to resent it.

 

He will have school events too -- and if she is there and is resentful of your intrusion into their prior relationship, she will make it very uncomfortable for you to be there. She will make sure others know of your involvement with him prior to him ending the engagement.

 

She doesn't ever have to like you or deal with you as you are nothing to her. You aren't the kids stepmother, you aren't their mother. She doesn't have to talk to you, she doesn't need your opinion on anything regarding the kids and she can be quite rude to you.

 

Again, you will begin to resent her. You could begin to resent the kids. You are 19 - you will have different idea of fun than him. He is a parent. He has 2-3 kids already. He may not want more kids. He may not be able to afford more kids since he will be paying child support. He won't have much money possibly for anything "fun".

 

I am not sure of the age difference between you and him -- again, there may not be much "in common" between the two of you.

 

He will also be probably paying for 'extra's -- which can be anywhere from $100 dance classes, $100 for soccer, etc.

 

In addition, his weekends with the kids will revolve around the kids. He will be making up for the time he hasn't had with them. He will probably be lax on actually parenting them (teaching them manners, correcting bad behavior, etc.) This could drive you batty since he is too busy playing "Disney Dad" and not wanting to make the kids mad at him.

 

Did I mention step life is hard? I was 33 when I entered step life. I also had a son from my previous marriage. We blended our family. STEP LIFE WAS HARD. We had numerous fights, many issues and it took about 2-3 years for things to even out.

 

So again, take off the rose colored glasses and quit thinking you two are going to be playing house and it is all going to be fun. There are fun moments, but for the most part, it is hard as hell.

 

You are 19. You are young and naive. I never called you stupid. But I really don't think you can see it; that you can really understand all of this because you are so young and have little life experience.

 

You are in an affair fog -- you just don't see what so many of us see.

 

IF it is really love, let him go. Let him deal with his fiance and figure out separating from her. Continue going to school. But if this 'love' is going to last, both of you have priorities that need to be taken care of -- especially him.

 

IF he loves you like you believe, then he will end his engagement NOW and quit cheating on the mother of some of his kids. He will MAN UP and do right by her. This shows his character, in my view. If he can't be honest with the woman he chose to have children with, pledged his love to and asked to be his wife....... what does that say about him?

[bentnotbroken]

Is everyone saying its so bad becuase im 19?

 

I don't really understand as the other women in this fourm who are in the same situation, aprat from older, get at least constructive crtisitim.

Just becuase im youger, doesn't make me sillier than the women who are TOW involved with an taken man does it?

 

Yeah, ok, im stupid and navie, and am idiot etc. But just say, for arguments sake, we do stay together, and get married etc. etc. ( i know no one will believe this, but just humour me), how hard will it be to get over my grief for his GF/kids? He doesn't love his GF, and i dont really see the point in staying in a loveless relationship...But its of course, the kids thats the main thing, and he would see them everyday, and i would have no jealousy and would encouge him too see them as much as possible.

How bad a-person am i for doing this.. (lets say it works out ok?). I will always feel guilt, but he will see his kids everyday, but not really the point huh?

 

 

If you are looking for ways to "get over your guilt" and you continue to see him knowing that your are participating in hurting his family....you don't have as much guilt as you pretend you do. Why should you be jealous of his children, why even make a statement like that? If he didn't want to be with her(in love with her or not) he wouldn't be there. When she finds out, guess who is going to need a cushion on her tush? Make sure it's a thick one, the curbs are made of concrete.

[Jeff1962]

I'm with a man, whos not married, but engaged, (so almost) has 2 kids with his GF, and another with an ex.

 

I'm going to stop you right there.

 

Re-read your words, see a pattern here? Your BF has an ex whom he had a kid with, no big deal it happens, that's life. Now he has a fiance with 2 kids from her and he is sleeping around with you.

 

You'd better wake up sister. You'll end up pregnant and he will be sleeping around with someone else.

 

You are 19 years old. What the hell are you doing with this guy? Go out and experience the world. Enjoy your life. Find a man that you truly love and that will be faithful TO ONLY YOU.

 

Good luck.

[pureinheart]

Is everyone saying its so bad becuase im 19?

 

I don't really understand as the other women in this fourm who are in the same situation, aprat from older, get at least constructive crtisitim.

Just becuase im youger, doesn't make me sillier than the women who are TOW involved with an taken man does it?

 

Yeah, ok, im stupid and navie, and am idiot etc. But just say, for arguments sake, we do stay together, and get married etc. etc. ( i know no one will believe this, but just humour me), how hard will it be to get over my grief for his GF/kids? He doesn't love his GF, and i dont really see the point in staying in a loveless relationship...But its of course, the kids thats the main thing, and he would see them everyday, and i would have no jealousy and would encouge him too see them as much as possible.

How bad a-person am i for doing this.. (lets say it works out ok?). I will always feel guilt, but he will see his kids everyday, but not really the point huh?

 

Hey MS19...felt like you were being talked down to. Personally I will be 50 here in a couple of months and when my kids were younger, mainly in their early teens, if I needed some real wisdom and advice on a matter, I went to them and their friends. When talking to them it gave me a fresh outlook....actually, I hang with my kids and their friends and have a really good time!

 

Hey, forgive yourself , love yourself and try NC until he can make some decisions and be with you all of the way, you deserve that...I totally understand ....find you, and who you are and if this makes any sense throw this in the wind and see what happens....

[Jeff1962]

Hey MS19...felt like you were being talked down to.

 

If you are refering to my response I am truly sorry. This was not my intent. Being 19 has little to do with my response to the OP. I just don't want to see anyone get screwed over because of their heart and because of how cheating partners are selfesh and can destroy lives.

 

Where I am coming from is this. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how you can cheat on someone if you are commited and if you truly love them. I mean no harm, this is just how I am.

 

I am not judging in anyway. I just feel that one owes it to themselves to not be in this situation because emotional and sometimes physical pain is usually the end result.

 

My marriage is not perfect, far from it. My wife is my soul mate. My love for her as a person out weighs our issues by far. She's a big pain in the ass sometimes, lol but she means a lot to me. I want to grow old with her despite our issues.

 

I just don't want to see someone especially so young get involved with someone else's problems. This guy has 3 kids from 2 different women and he is cheating on his fiance. In my book, this guy is not the greatest catch in the world. Would you want your daughter dating a man that holds these values?

[Jeff1962]

Maybe I was being a dad instead of unbiased.

[crystal_lostheart]

I dont really know why im writing this, just to make myself feel better really.

I'm with a man, whos not married, but engaged, (so almost) has 2 kids with his GF, and another with an ex. When we first met over a year ago, i didn't know about the married/kids thing, but he told me pretty soon. I said we can keep going as we are. I guess sub-consioully i wasn't really thinking about the furture as im only 19, but now we've been together for so long, i've started thinking about it more, and about how guilty i feel, i feel terrible, as his kids are young and so's his wife and im sure she loves him very much, although they dont see each other/ do things together i still feel so bad.

The problem is not will he leave her, i know he will, but i dont want him too just yet, not until after uni and we can live together, but since he has kids we can't move outta the city we live in, and i hate that city btw but oh well.

 

I know he wouldn't cheat on me, i wouldn't, he wouldn't do bad things, infact he wont even talk to other girls now, even friendly, he almost loves me too much lol.

If it wasn't for the wife/kids, it would be so perfect, but i am going to feel so much guilt over ruining a family, i could never tell my friends about it bcos they obv. wouldn't approve, i try to take comfort in stupid things, like how it can turn out happy like Richard and Judy (TV chatshow hosts, v.popular).

 

I guess i just need to know im not an awful person, if i wasn't with an (almost) married man, id thinking girls who did this were home-wreckers, but since im on the other side, i just love him too much too leave, but my guilt is over-powering at times, i feel selfish (i am), i feel stupid, i feel evil for doing this...Although its not a happy family he wouldn't leave if it wasn't for me..Im ruining so many peoples lives..

 

How do i cope with this??!!

 

Btw, i know you'll all probably say 'leave him' but i really dont want to, i just feel so guilty and i know im young, but that doesn't mean it wont work and i think im quite old for my age.

 

Hi MS,

 

You sound like a really cool young loving girl....don't put yourself second... For a lot of OW here, it doesn't work out. Only a few men step up to the plate and admit that A's are wrong and they do what they need to do to sort out the mess and they face the consequences of their actions as do the OW. There are not many success stories.

 

My point with you is... you're young. And that's an awesome thing. You are really in a place in your life where you should be having fun, finding out about the world and meeting nice single guys.

 

Please don't do what I have done and look back and say 'i wasted those years - I should've been smarter about things'. I can't change it and my aim now is to just enjoy life and surround myself with very positive, powerful minded, honest and supportive people. Your situation is not honest and if you feel guilty like you say you do, well then, you should let go. Sometimes it's hard to look at it from a right or wrong perspective, so ask yourself instead 'is this situation healthy for my mind, body and soul - what does it do to help me grow into a positive person?'

 

Take care

[Fallen Angel]

I am an OW.

 

I am twice your age.

 

I have step-children older than you, so I guess this is coming from a place of 'been there, done that", a place of with age comes experience (the saying is with age comes wisdom, but that is not always the case), and a place of "I could be your momma, so therefore I am going to speak to you like I am.."

 

My advice is this.. get out now. Go out and live life, meet and date (by dating I do not mean have sex with) huge numbers of men. Sample what the world has to offer. Find your life calling and seek it with your whole soul. Become a whole person in your own right, without ties that bind you to someone (in this case many someones.. the MM(?), his kids, his maybe exes... for a lifetime).

 

Once you have found yourself, once you have become a woman in your own right, standing totally on your own two feet and living a happy life unburdened and unhampered by all the drama involved in living in an affair, then if your love is still so strong for this man, see if he is available.

 

If he loves you like he says he does, then he should be disentangling himself from this relationship he is in NOW, so that when you are done with your educational carreer that the two of you can be together, with all of the wrinkles already ironed out from his past relationships.

 

If he is so unhappy now, then he shouldn't be staying in that relationship while 'waiting' for you. Just because you are not ready to move in with him and become his wife today, doesn't mean that he should just keep slagging on in his current relationship. is he not capable of living on his own?

 

I wish you would see that no one here is trying to be cruel to you, but we do have experience that you do not have. We know first hand that the "love" you feel at age 19 is not the "love" you feel at 22, or 32, or 42. If it was so simple that your "first real love" happens at 19 and the relationships that you start then last a lifetime, then there would be no need for this board, or the infidelity board, or divorce... it isn't that it is impossible, it is that it is improbable, and we all want to see better for you than you wasting your youth on a dream.

 

I wish you much love, and happiness, and I hope that you come to see (very soon) that if this was 'forever love' then things would be changing NOW, not later.... ((hugs to you))