I feel like a freak

[neowulf]

Ok, not something I'd normally do, but here goes.

 

Pretty much my whole life I've felt different from everyone around me. Like I couldn't relate. Like there was something wrong with me that I couldn't put my finger on.

 

From an early age, I began to realise that I felt and thought differently to the majority of other males in my life.

 

Notiably;

-Disinterest in most pass times enjoyed by men (fishing, organised sport, cars, sleeping around)

-Far more female friends than male ones

-Deeply emotional

-Easily moved by emotional situations (ie Movies, Stories, Peoples pain)

-Easily hurt emotionally

-Highly aware of my emotions (sometimes more than my thoughts)

-Natual desire to communicate, talk about feelings etc

-Artistic, with musical and writing talents

 

As a result of the above, all throughout my life I've had people mock my sensitive nature, calling me "Gay" or "Queer".

 

In the past, I tried to take an object appraisal of the claims, given that I do appear to share a lot of qualities one might find in a gay male. I thought "Maybe I am gay and am just repressed or something. I mean, all these people can't think I'm gay for no reason right?"

 

The thing is, I'm not attracted to men. Not even a little. I see other men as either friends or competition. I've never had "warm fuzzy feelings" for a another man. I even tried looking at gay porn to see if I'd feel anything. I don't feel "disgust".. but I'm not turned on either.

 

On the other hand, I've experienced increditable highs of joy and attraction with women in my life.. but rarely. I think there's only been twice in my life when I've met a women who made me "feel" something.

 

So.. best as I can tell, dispite being highly intune with my emotions.. I'm not gay.

 

The thing is, as a result of my nature I feel isolated from almost all the men in my life. I just struggle to relate to them. Other men appear to "think" so much differently to the way I do that I struggle to fit in.

 

I do a reasonable good job of shielding my emotional nature a lot of the time, but this ends up making me seem withdrawn or volatile.

 

As a defense mechanism, I've developed manarisms that make me appear much more agressive and unapproachable than I am.

 

Other men appear to pickup on this, because when ever I try to make new male friends, sooner or later I appear to be shunned (uninvited to things etc).

 

I feel sometimes like I exist between worlds. That I appear to think like a women a lot of the time, dispite being male. No, I don't think I *am* a woman in a man's body or anything. I'm happy being male. Well, with my approximation of it anyways.

 

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to achieve with this post. I suppose I'd like to hear that I'm not the only person to feels this way. I try to be "Ok" with who and what I am.. but it's hard when I feel so disconnected.

 

I wish I could relate better with other men. It doesn't seem right for me to have the number of female friends I do.. or to be as emotional as I am.

 

It's lonely feeling different from everyone around me.

[Jeff1962]

Neowulf. Dude. Continue to believe in yourself and live your life.

 

I don't get into ALL the guy hobbies as well. I don't sleep around on my wife. I used to hunt but since I returned from Iraq, I never want to fire another weapon as long as I live, so I no longer hunt. Some guy's do not understand these two details about me. I'm like, it's ok for you to not understand or agree with me but I do expect you to let me be how I am without pressure. If not, have a nice life.

 

It's ok to be how you are. Keep it up and someday I get the feeling that some young lady is going to consider herself very fourtnate to have found you.

 

Good luck.

[neowulf]

Neowulf. Dude. Continue to believe in yourself and live your life.

 

I don't get into ALL the guy hobbies as well. I don't sleep around on my wife. I used to hunt but since I returned from Iraq, I never want to fire another weapon as long as I live, so I no longer hunt. Some guy's do not understand these two details about me. I'm like, it's ok for you to not understand or agree with me but I do expect you to let me be how I am without pressure. If not, have a nice life.

 

It's ok to be how you are. Keep it up and someday I get the feeling that some young lady is going to consider herself very fourtnate to have found you.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for the kind words Jeff. Thanks for taking the time to write.

[nobody's girl]

I feel the same way. Whenever it starts to get to me, I read this quote by Salman Rushdie from his book The Ground Beneath Her Feet. It always puts things into perspective (for me anyway).

 

 

"For a long while I have believed...that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not belonging, who come into the world semi-detached, if you like, without strong affiliation to family or location or nation or race; that there may even be millions, billions of such souls, as many non-belongers as belongers, perhaps; that, in sum, the phenomenon may be as "natural" a manifestation of human nature as its opposite, but one that has been mostly frustrated, throughout human history, by lack of opportunity.

 

And not only by that: for those who value stability, who fear transience, uncertainty, change, have erected powerful system of stigmas and taboos against rootlessness, that disruptive, anti-social force, so that we mostly conform, we pretend to be motivated by loyalties and solidarities we do not really feel, we hide our secret identities beneath the false skins of those identities which bear the belongers' seal of approval.

 

But the truth leaks out in our dreams...: alone in our beds (because we are alone at night, even if we do not sleep by ourselves), we soar, we fly, we flee. And in the waking dreams our societies permit, in our myths, our arts, our songs, we celebrate the non-belongers, the different ones, the outlaws, the freaks.

 

What we forbid ourselves, we pay good money to watch, in a playhouse or movie theatre, or to read about between the secret covers of a book. Our libraries, our palaces of entertainment tell the truth. The tramp, the assassin, the rebel, the thief, the mutant, the outcast, the delinquent, the devil, the sinner, the traveller, the gangster, the runner, the mask: if we did not recognize in them our least-fulfilled needs, we would not invent them over and over again, in every place, in every language, in every time."

[neowulf]

I feel the same way. Whenever it starts to get to me, I read this quote by Salman Rushdie from his book The Ground Beneath Her Feet. It always puts things into perspective (for me anyway).

 

 

"For a long while I have believed...that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not belonging, who come into the world semi-detached, if you like, without strong affiliation to family or location or nation or race; that there may even be millions, billions of such souls, as many non-belongers as belongers, perhaps; that, in sum, the phenomenon may be as "natural" a manifestation of human nature as its opposite, but one that has been mostly frustrated, throughout human history, by lack of opportunity.

 

And not only by that: for those who value stability, who fear transience, uncertainty, change, have erected powerful system of stigmas and taboos against rootlessness, that disruptive, anti-social force, so that we mostly conform, we pretend to be motivated by loyalties and solidarities we do not really feel, we hide our secret identities beneath the false skins of those identities which bear the belongers' seal of approval.

 

But the truth leaks out in our dreams...: alone in our beds (because we are alone at night, even if we do not sleep by ourselves), we soar, we fly, we flee. And in the waking dreams our societies permit, in our myths, our arts, our songs, we celebrate the non-belongers, the different ones, the outlaws, the freaks.

 

What we forbid ourselves, we pay good money to watch, in a playhouse or movie theatre, or to read about between the secret covers of a book. Our libraries, our palaces of entertainment tell the truth. The tramp, the assassin, the rebel, the thief, the mutant, the outcast, the delinquent, the devil, the sinner, the traveller, the gangster, the runner, the mask: if we did not recognize in them our least-fulfilled needs, we would not invent them over and over again, in every place, in every language, in every time."

 

Thank you for sharing. I haven't seen it before. It helps.

[torranceshipman]

I think you sound great. I am guessing you live in an area or were bought up in a family that has a very specific view of what it is to be masculine? Because maybe you don't conform to that narrow view but so what? You sound great how you are.

 

There is nothing wrong with you...please don't feel pushed into wondering if you're gay when you're not, just because joe schmo's out there don't think you're the cookie cutter version of what they think you should be.

[neowulf]

I think you sound great. I am guessing you live in an area or were bought up in a family that has a very specific view of what it is to be masculine? Because maybe you don't conform to that narrow view but so what? You sound great how you are.

 

There is nothing wrong with you...please don't feel pushed into wondering if you're gay when you're not, just because joe schmo's out there don't think you're the cookie cutter version of what they think you should be.

 

Thank you for the kind words. I did grow up in an area where I was very out of place with those around me I guess. Very blue collar, so I guess that explains a few things.

 

I do my best not to let it get to me. Most of the time I manage ok. It's been easier since I moved to a larger city, with a greater cross section of people.

 

Guess we all have our low days now and then huh. Thanks again for stopping by.

[Aedra]

Pretty much story of my life, except swap the genders. Always been more of a tomboy. I felt some pretty bad pressure to be into feminine things growing up, even my mother complained about me not being into shopping and looking pretty. She praised me more for losing weight then anything else. I never wore makeup until I was 20, 22 now. I always felt different, felt like a complete freak for a while, still do. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Now I wear makeup all the time because people don't look at me oddly when I do, since I have bad skin.

 

I know how you feel at least. You wanna fit in somewhere, but it seems no one lets you, you gotta hide your real self and it just eats away at you.

[Simon Attwood]

It is dysfunctional to judge ourselves based upon our perception of how others are judging us.

 

I would class myself as fitting just about all your noteworthy attributes from above. And I spent many years trying to fit in. These were my most dysfunctional years.

 

It wasn't until I just accepted myself as I was, and stopped trying to fit in, that I actually found my place within my view of the world. I now fit in, because I stopped trying to fit in.

[Malenfant]

I know how you feel.

 

One of my friends is just like you, in fact, if it were not for the fact that you are in Australia, i would have sworn it was him writing.

 

I am also the same, but as i am female, i find it slightly easier than he does to fit in with his gender.

 

The way i see it, i've always been glad i was different, i felt it made me special, complicated, deep.

Even i cant 100% fathom myself out.

 

you're not alone, although you feel it.

Anything that sets you apart from someone else is something to be cherished.

 

you have a rare gift to observe the world slightly differently than most people.

 

The only way i can kind of explain it is some people see the world in 2d, or 3d. you see it in 4d. your sensitivities allow you to truly 'feel' life. it hurts more, but being moved easily is a wonderful gift that i would never give away, even for the sake of being able to relate to others easier.

 

[In_Repair]

I'll make a guess here.

 

Everybody feels "different" in some way. It's like that saying "Remember, you are special... just like everyone else". There is nothing in your list that would make any casual observer think that you are gay. That list probably describes half of the straight men here on this site. People think you are gay because you probably have mannerisms that are similar to that of the stereotypical gay guy... which is basically just acting feminine. Constantly surrounding yourself with females, where you are actually trying to be close friends and relate to them on that level, is your main problem in this regard. Did you spend a lot of time with your mother or older sisters growing up?

 

Men generally have male friends and female "friends"... if you know what I mean. **** rubs off on you man, and it not only changes your mannerisms, it skews your perception of everything. The worst part is that even though you are surrounded by women, you have a snowballs chance in hell of banging any of them because you act like one of them, but they are attracted to men who act like men. Men shun you because... well, honestly, men generally don't really want to "hang out" with women unless they are either A-having sex with them, B-want to have sex with them, or C-their buddy brought them along.

[neowulf]

I'll make a guess here.

 

Everybody feels "different" in some way. It's like that saying "Remember, you are special... just like everyone else". There is nothing in your list that would make any casual observer think that you are gay. That list probably describes half of the straight men here on this site. People think you are gay because you probably have mannerisms that are similar to that of the stereotypical gay guy... which is basically just acting feminine. Constantly surrounding yourself with females, where you are actually trying to be close friends and relate to them on that level, is your main problem in this regard. Did you spend a lot of time with your mother or older sisters growing up?

 

Men generally have male friends and female "friends"... if you know what I mean. **** rubs off on you man, and it not only changes your mannerisms, it skews your perception of everything. The worst part is that even though you are surrounded by women, you have a snowballs chance in hell of banging any of them because you act like one of them, but they are attracted to men who act like men. Men shun you because... well, honestly, men generally don't really want to "hang out" with women unless they are either A-having sex with them, B-want to have sex with them, or C-their buddy brought them along.

 

This is pretty much an example of what I was talking about when I said I struggle to fit in with men.

 

My mother worked shifts and I didn't get alone with my sister that well. I spent most of my time with my father, who was an electrician by trade. He's gruff, to the point. Great with his hands (can fix *anything*), used to drag cars when he was younger.

 

I spent most of my life with him not knowing how to relate to me because I was so different from him.

 

This may come as a shock, but I have more female friends because I generally like them more than the men I've met in my life. It doesn't really phase me that I can't "bang" any of them because.. they're my friends? If I wanted to sleep with them, I'd approach them differently.

 

I've been in relationships pretty much non-stop since the age of 16. I've never had a problem getting a love interest.

 

I do have one or two close male friends, but for the most part I have little to say to the average guy on the street.

 

What are we suppose to talk about? Sport? Them doing up their car? The number of women they picked up last night? None of it interests me. World events are interesting, but you'd be surprised at the number of people I meet who a) don't care or b) can't be bothered thinking about it.

 

As for "acting gay", I've asked this of a few people and been told it's not the case. It's the unusual level of emotional sensitivity that gets people to wondering. Not the way I dress, speak or behave.

 

Thanks for the thoughts though.

[In_Repair]

Well, that's why I said I would take a guess. I was thinking of a friend IRL. Seemed like the same story.