ricearoni4hamburger Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I'm trying, but I'm not sure if I can...what do you think? (Sorry - long post) Brief summary: My ex and I met almost three years ago in an elevator, had a whirlwind romance, literally fell in love within a week over the telephone (he's German, but was visiting the East Coast back then - we met in an airport elevator when I missed my flight). We moved in together within two weeks, and literally started a relationship way too fast, but really felt we were soul mates. He went back to Germany, and made several visits over the next two years. At the beginning of last year, we decided to try living together, permanently, but we found out he really, really could not deal with the commitment issue and just couldn't handle leaving his bachelor life (he also turned 40 last year). He'd also been in only one serious relationship before ours. After our relationship began to deteriorate, with lots of arguments, depression on my part, and lots of other issues, he finally decided to go back to Germany, and I ended up breaking up with him over the phone in June. Also, there were a lot of intimacy issues, and he had basically closed up and was completely unavailable. We had no contact for about two months, and I started going crazy: I still was deeply in love with the man, despite everything. I broke NC and called him. He was seeing a girl, actually living with her in Germany, but alas, they were having problems because he told me she was jealous - of me! Apparently he talked a lot about me; he said he kept telling her we were over, but apparently she didn't believe him. For some reason, I agreed to go to Germany so we could "break up in person" and get closure for both of us. We decided we wanted to both be "just friends". I knew I was still desperately in love with him, though. And I felt that connection was also there on his side. There was no talk of love at that point, though. At this point I'm going to tell you that his intimacy problems were the major reason for the breakup, and I basically did not want to face a future with him without physical intimacy. (I think it boils down to basically he has a very low libido - and a long-term relationship simply makes that worse. The newness of a relationship lights a fire for him, but by his admission, his attraction doesn't last long with any girl. One of the reasons his first relationship ended, too.) That problem remains to this day, and that is the only barrier I really see as to a viable future with him. (However, he has always left the door open for me to get my needs fulfilled elsewhere, even while we are together.) Anyway, I went to Germany, and immediately when I saw him, I wanted him back. However, it seemed as though he had moved on. We talked for a couple of hours in the park, and when we parted, I felt we were really just going to be friends. He rode his bike off literally into the sunset, and I flew back home. I decided to go no contact again, because I felt it would be too difficult for me to talk to him after my feelings for him had resurfaced, although I knew he just wanted to be friends. He called me a week later to say he couldn't stop thinking about our visit, how wonderful I had looked, and that the girl he had been staying with ended up kicking him out because he was "obviously not over" me. That's what he said SHE SAID. He denied it, again stating we were just friends, and asking me to confirm it. I agreed, but for some reason, at the end of the call, I told him I loved him! He didn't respond, but the next time we talked, when he called me the next week, he this time told me that he loved me! He also, again, called me his friend. He's been calling me at least every week since then! (When we were together, he almost NEVER called me - I was always calling him!) He tells me he loves me each time. He also calls me his friend, though. At some point, I did tell him that in an ideal world, I would like to get back with him, as his girlfriend (not mentioning the dreaded "wife" word), but that I knew that was unlikely. He said he didn't think it would work, because of his fear of commitment and intimacy problem. Then, just yesterday, he called me "Baby", said he "really" loved me, and also said he believed some wonderful surprises were in store for "us"! I don't have a clue as to what his cryptic words mean. I don't even know why I fantasize about a future with us as a couple, but I do. I just love him, and it's apparent he loves me. We're soul mates, and I just want to be with him, in person. Am I just crazy?
aerogurl87 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Wow, he's 40 and playing games like this? That's pretty sad. OP he obviously isn't able to fulfill two needs of yours that seem to be very important to you. I mean he has a low libido which you stated is a problem and he's a commitment phobe, and to me that is also a problem. This man is not your soulmate and he sounds like this guy who was my FWB. That guy ended up telling me one night that he thought we were soulmates, but whenever I mentioned us dating he'd magically lose interest. Then when we'd hang out he'd be all over me and into me. But then he'd say the distance between us (a one hour drive mind you) was too great for us to overcome to have a relationship. In the end I gave up and moved on, which in hindsight was for the best. I'm usually an optimist but this man is just pulling your strings. He doesn't want a relationship with you, but he also doesn't want you moving on. Your his backup, his safety, and he knows with the right words you'll come back to him. Go watch 500 Days of Summer and you'll see what I mean. In the movie the girl Summer, tells the guy at the end that he was always right about love, soulmates, etc. but he just wasn't right about her (meaning she wasn't the one for him). But she still strung him along because she "liked" him but she didn't love him and thus refused to commit to him. Anyway, to sum this up, he may like you but he doesn't love you. Go out there and find someone who really loves you and who is willing to commit to you. You owe yourself happiness and this man will never give it to you.
Limbo21 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 It sounds to me like he wants what he can't have, and what's he's got it he doesn't want it anymore? That's what my ex seems to be doing (our stories have some similarities). The longer you drag it out, the more you'll hurt & you'll wish you went nc from here on out. I'm sure you'll make the same mistakes as I did but for your hearts sake ... Don't, no matter how much you love him
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