What changes have you made as a BS to improve your M?

[datura_noir]

I don't think I've ever seen this asked here, so I wanted to start a thread.

 

What changes have you, as a BS, implemented to make your M better than it was before your WS's affair?

 

For myself, I have:

 

1. insisted on being a true partner in our finances
   
2. Spent more time watching movies and just hanging out with my H
   
3. Asking my H detailed questions about stuff
   
4. listening better
   
5. Doing things with his family, his kids
   
6. telling him everything that is on my mind
   

 

These are things he initially griped about when I discovered his affair, and to be honest, it hasn't been a bowl of cherries. But, we're more real now, as opposed to before.

 

My H is a true passive/aggressive conflict avoider. He won't tell me what's wrong, I have to probe. To him, that is a loving action on my part. I am a conflict starter:D:D, and I ask direct questions, and I can be somewhat blunt and crass when doing so. To me, when I want to be alone, it really means just that. It has worked so far for us, and we are both seeing our weaknesses and patterns, and trying to be more like the other in some respects.

[bentnotbroken]

I filed for divorce.

[crazycatlady]

Well.....

 

1. I started asking for more sex - I need it regularly or my drive drops to nothing - including morning sex which isn't my favorite but I'm starting to remember the fun of it.

2. I'm touching more. This is HUGE for me. I am not a snuggler and just tend to avoid contact as a general rule. H knows I'm big on personal space and will leave me alone. I'm starting to learn that you can touch and still have personal space respected. I make a point of touching him when I walk by and he's doing the same, and just the few touches is helping.

3. I'm making more of an effort to get things ready for this fall so I can hopefully go back to work as a para in the schools. Including increasing the amount of volunteer work I do in the classrooms as a tutor so I'll have experience to help me secure a position. So I can do my part to support the family too - in return h is talking about taking over dinner 2 nights a week.

4. I'm watching myself to make sure I don't make snide comments. I can be really bad about that. I'm also trying not to get as b!tchy with him when I'm tired or stressed.

5. I'm asking for more from him, and not expecting him to be a mind reader.

 

Unfortunitely some of the stressors that were there last year when the A happened, and I think part of the reason why it happened, are coming back right now. And I feel some plans made last May are now in really poor timing, but they aren't plans that can be changed unless I want to toss away 700 dollars. So it feels darned if I do and darned if I don't there. But I do feel him pulling away and I'm at a loss as to how to bring him back in. I know he's trying very hard not to stress me out - job and possible lack there of in March - and I know this isn't something I can help with (just trust me there). And its stressing for him because he truly wants to take care of us - something he's always been is the provider and he's always wanted to be the provider. I'm the care taker. It will do us good starting next school year to take on some of each other's roles. But we gotta get past this stress right now.

 

CCL

[jwi71]

I filed for divorce.

 

Oh damnit BNB...I was going to say that.

I'm going to go grumbling off to the corner and sulk now...stole my line...

[bentnotbroken]

Oh damnit BNB...I was going to say that.

I'm going to go grumbling off to the corner and sulk now...stole my line...

 

 

:oSorry. Don't go off all sulky.

[Dexter Morgan]

the change I made as a BS was to divorce her, therefore improving the marriage. Because a marriage dissolved was better than a marriage with her.

[silktricks]

I try harder to avoid OT, and when I can't I make a point to check out his schedule before scheduling my time.

 

I talk to him about how I feel.

 

I don't ignore his jealousy, nor pretend it doesn't exist in an effort to make my life easier.

 

I never "fudge" an answer. When he asks me a straight question, he gets a straight answer. Sometimes one he doesn't really want, mind you, but I don't avoid conflict by avoiding the complete truth.

 

I don't sulk.

 

If I can see that my brain is going into ruminative negative thinking, I talk to him about it, and about the sad/bad thoughts I'm having.

 

I let him know how much I enjoy sex verbally instead of just assuming that he knows by my actions. I've discovered that he likes hearing it, too. (You wouldn't think it would take 30 years to figure that one out.... )

 

I listen, not just with my ears, but with my heart, too.

[crazycatlady]

I listen, not just with my ears, but with my heart, too.

 

 

I love that! Its a good trick to learn.

 

CCL