ty1987 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Let me give a little background info about myself and past relationships. I'm 23 years old and have only had a handful of relationships in my life. I tend to be very picky, and very rarely am able to get close to anyone. When I was 19, I fell in love for the first time...long story short, we had been together for about a year when I discovered she was cheating on me. Needless to say, I was devastated. I'm not one of those people who likes to open up to people and discuss personal issues, so I pretty much kept my feelings bottled up inside. I also began using drugs to help numb the pain, which they did for a while. About a year later, I was finally starting to let go of my first love. I met another girl, who I starting getting close to. We would hang out often, and hook up all the time. We started getting closer and closer, until one day she tells me that she has a boyfriend and we can't see each other anymore. It was at this point where I decided that I could never again fully trust anyone. Last February I started dating a girl I had known for about two years. She is absolutely gorgeous, smart, funny, and everything I'd ever want a woman to be. However, being in the terrible relationships I've been in, I could never trust her. I would get jealous when other guys would talk to her, get suspicious when she would be texting on her phone all night, and get upset when she wouldn't open up to me. I couldn't help it. I was sure that somehow, someway she would end up cheating on me. About three months into our relationship, she informs me that she's been texting/talking with her ex. This did not really bother me...she had told me about it, so I assumed there was nothing to worry about. One day, she left her phone at my apartment...I proceeded to look through it, and discovered that she indeed was being unfaithful to me. I confronted her about it, and she was very open and honest about the whole thing. She had never actually cheated on me, she was just confused about us and about her ex, which I was very understanding. We broke things off for about two weeks, then started dating again. This summer I discovered she cheated on me again with some guy she met while waitressing. I was devastated, yet still took her back. Since then, we have technically not been dating, yet we have been together nearly every day. We still had sex, still said "i love you" to each other, and still acted like a happy couple. I told her that I wanted to be together again, but she has insisted that we arent ready. Yet still, we continue to act like a couple. I do everything for her, am always there for her, and I really do love her. But she is never there when I need her, and whenever I find she's been flirting with other guys her excuse is "we aren't dating" or "it's none of your business." For the past two months I've known that our relationship will never work, yet I can't seem to let go of her. About the same time we started dating, I was very depressed and began taking prescription drugs to self-medicate (I've posted about this in the addiction forum). Long story short, I am addicted to the drugs I was taking for depression. I'm no longer the person I was 11 months ago when we started dating. I rarely go out anymore, never want to be with friends, and generally hate everything in my life. About 4 days ago, my girlfriend left me. I don't blame her for leaving, as I am a completely different person than I was when we first met. I've read before that it's hard to love someone when you hate yourself...well, I guess that turns out to be very true. Neither of us have contacted each other for the last three days. I love her very much, and know that I'm in a very bad place right now with my addiction. She was the only person who knows about my addiction...I was trying to get clean for her, and now I'm right back to where I was. I guess I just need someone right now. I need someone to talk to. I've burned my bridges with all my friends, as I've stopped hanging out with them months ago. The drugs just make me want to be alone. They make me miserable, yet I need to take them in order to function. I'm in a very, very bad place right now, and know that I need to get some help. Thanks for listening.
madisonlayne Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 The first thing you need to do is get off the Tramadol. I don't believe it's something you can just suddenly stop though. You definitely need to consult a doctor. Don't be embarrassed. There are people out there who are addicted to aspirin! Doctors see all kinds of addictions. The important thing is that you know you need help with it. Reach out and get that support. Secondly, this relationship is toxic. You are not getting what you need, want, and deserve. Change has to start from within you. You're going to keep attracting these types of situations until you make that internal change. It's not going to be simple, but you know what? It's something you can overcome. You just have to want it. You haven't lost yourself. You've just quit caring about your own needs. It's time to put you first.
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